Gentle knocking filled the cabin.
He was tired, so very tired. The train wasn't helping either. The rhythm of the train chugging alone was calling him to return to the peaceful void, forcing him to hark the siren call of the dead as his eyes unwillingly closed, but he could still think, he could still hear the train moving, still feel Chrysalis somewhere.
Alyosha wanted to focus on something, so he tried to think about where to go now. More accurately, just what had happened? There were changelings and dying, and also resurrection and he jumped out of a window. Lots of stuff. He even had a few memories that he was certain were not His, but instead from the Many that came from Him.
...Why was he thinking of himself like that?
'Doesn't matter. Not important.' He thought to himself. He didn't even know what was more important than that right now. Well, there was something. The pain in his sides. His difficulty breathing, and his broken body. Born defective. Again.
The train ride was going to be very uneventful. Nothing was going to happen soon, so his focus was drifting. First his hearing went, drifting away into nothing as the unchanging melody of the train was tuned out. Then the feeling in his body, he couldn't feel the way he shook ever so slightly anymore. Then lastly, his thoughts went.
His thoughts went mad. Alyosha's eyes flew open and he fell out of his chair. He almost stopped thinking, he almost stopped being. Where was he going? Is that death? That's death. Ceasing to think is death. Ceasing to exist is death.
"I need you to sleep, child. You'll die if you don't. I can't bring you back if you die this time." Chided the ghost of Chrysalis. Right. She was still around. Her normally calming presence had no typical effect as Alyosha just breathed harder, faster, twitching on the seat, fighting to stay awake.
"I don't want to. It's dark. There's nothing there." He whimpered.
"You need sleep. It's an unchangeable fact. You are biological now, you aren't a shadow anymore. Didn't you always want this?"
"It's terrifying. I'm scared."
Chrysalis sighed. "I know you are. Look, can you get back on the chair? You'll break your seals like that, and then you'll be bleeding out all over the floor again."
Alyosha quickly hopped back onto the chair, settling into a loaf-like shape. It was hardly a proper way to sit, but it helped keep all of the correct organs in the right positions. As Alyosha whimpered, Chrysalis sighed. She had been trying to help him - to put him to sleep so that his mind could rest.
"It's ok, Alyosha," she said softly. "It's ok." She placed a hoof on his shoulder, pulling away his attention from oblivion to her as she stared him in the eyes.
"Nothing's going to hurt you," she told him, and in her eyes, the voice, was reflected a promise. Admittedly a very weak promise, but it was enough to get Alyosha to breathe deeply, and exhale.
"That's better. Listen to me, child. You remember me still, right?" Chrysalis asked, and she stared into the remaining good eye of Alyosha.
Familiarity. Distant.
He did not. Or perhaps he did. He remembered one mind, one goal, one body. Peace. Love. He didn't remember why, but he did remember the name.
"Chrysalis" He murmured.
"Good. Anything else?" She asked, prodding for answers. Questions he didn't know the answers to. Alyosha's eye tracked the interior of the train. Faux leather upholstery, like the vinyl of a restaurants booth seat. Carpeted flooring, built it. Lamps. Electrical. Modern. New.
None of what he saw matched what a different name of his remembered, but his other name, his first one did.
"No." He lied.
Calm.
Didn't want to be. The alabaster changeling didn't want to sleep. He remembered that now. In spite of all his freshly sealed injuries he didn't want to sleep. He remembered the last time sleep embraced him, the embrace of death. Inevitable, cascading, furious, white hot, painful.
Thoughts came cascading downward, he was going to die. Not this second, or maybe he would- maybe in an hour or a day or five years. His eyes widened, and his breathing turned sharp and rigid. "I don't want to die." He mewled pathetically.
"Shh..."
Chrysalis's voice was calm again, trying to ease Alyosha's fears.
"It's just sleep, child. Sleep is good. Let yourself rest."
Chrysalis placed both hooves on Alyosha's shoulders, trying to soothe him.
"Rest now, Alyosha," she whispered. "You'll feel better when you wake up."
"I promise," Chrysalis said softly.
She could sense Alyosha's fears and hesitations, and she tried to provide him with all the reassurance she could.
"There's no need to be afraid," she told him. "Just close your eyes and rest... That's all I ask of you, child."
Hesitant. He closed his remaining eye, and curled up his legs close to himself like a cat would loaf, and tried to rest.
A minute passed, and his breathing turned slow and rhythmic, as the flower that had claimed his other eye closed into a bud as well, signaling his passing into the hold of sleep.
Chrysalis exhaled in relief.
She gently placed a gossamer wing over his body, faux security. "You're safe now." she whispered to him.
As she gazed down at him, her heart felt filled with a strange mixture of pride and anguish.
In spite of everything, he had made it out alive.... She'd done it. She'd brought him back. Incomplete, and wrong, but he was here again. Her first friend. Her first equal.
....
The train cabin shaked softly as it glided on steel tracks, taking them to their destination far away from the beaten city of Canterlot.
As the train glided along the rails, Chrysalis couldn't help but think. Think about everything, every step and every day that has brought them both to here, the present.
She thought back to his last moments before his death, his true death. How terrified and alone he had been. And then how quickly he had come to trust her, even after everything she'd done. And now, this, blindly trusting her still after being reborn in active combat.
She felt a strange sense of pride, knowing that she had helped him in his time of need. And she felt a strange sense of guilt as well. She felt guilt because he had trusted her, and she knew that he shouldn't have. Because she was behind all of this.
She wanted to hiss at herself, at her emotions. He was obedient, willing. All of it was his fault, his consequence for choosing to place his trust in her.
This... This mercy, this empathy, was a passing fad. It would leave soon enough, and it would be just like old times.
As the train continued on its journey, Chrysalis found herself slipping back into her old, cold persona. She was the Queen of the Changelings. She couldn't afford to let emotions like empathy or mercy cloud her judgment.
Just as she began to feel herself slipping back into her old ways, she felt another presence near her.
She turned to find that Alyosha was stirring. Alyosha was sleeping.
Something to dream about, though what he had to dream of that was still pleasant, she had no idea.
As Alyosha continued to sleep, he had a dream. The dream of the dreamless sleep.
The void.
It was familiar.
The void.
It was where he'd been for nearly a thousand years. Since he was a child, he could never dream. Always stuck in a memory, or here, in the abyss where he would rest until his living body awoke.
The void was peaceful. Empty and safe and secure, and only lasting just a moment before the daylight brought him out.
Alyosha didn't mind the emptiness. In fact, he found it comforting. He felt free here. He had no worries or fears. He could simply exist.
As he drifted deeper into the void, he heard a faint voice in the distance.
"Alyosha.."
It was so faint, that he wasn't sure if it was even real. The whisper of a devil hiding in the dark, soft tones sending shivers up his spine.
But it sounded like... Like her.. The voice of a name most unspeakable.
His heart stopped with shock and awe as a wave of memory struck him fiercely. All perspectives. To watch how the sun wrought down pillars of flame on cities, screams beginning and silencing, the howling of balefire winds and Equestrian atrocities.
The voice of someone he remembered only once upon a time, as a friend.
Was that real?
Alyosha's mind and his heart raced as he tried to figure out what was happening.
The voice calling to him seemed familiar, and it sounded like her. But that wasn't possible...
But... What if it was?
For the first time since the beginning of forever and the end of all things, the void bent to his will.
His mind was a canvas of black ink, and he ordered it to reveal the source of that voice. The voice of the one who left him locked up in that tower. The one who killed his creations.
Celestia. Caged.
As the void obeyed his will, Alyosha could see a vision forming in his mind.
He saw Celestia, being held captive. But he also saw her looking straight at him, as if she knew that he was watching her.
"Alyosha..." She seemed to be saying.
Her eyes met his, even across the vast expanse of the void.
"Please... Help me."
She was kind. Kind once. The tower. They first met there. Shared tea. There was two of them.
His eyes squeezed themselves shut and averted her sight. Don't be afraid. It's just a dream. It's a just a dream. Not real. Not real.
He waited. For a response. For them to go away. Anything.
But you can't avert your eyes from death.
As he waited for a response, for Celestia to go away, for everything to go back to normal, instead, he heard her speak again...
"I know that you're there, Alyosha. Please... I need your help."
He couldn't help but feel the emotion in her voice.
Could it be true..? Was Celestia really asking him for help? Not really. Not plausible.
He wanted to scream at her to go away. Summon forth hate, shout and cry and scorn her with all his venom.
But he had no fangs with which to cast, meak jaws long since rendered harmless and ineffectual, and his well of emotions was dry.
Alyosha whimpered. "What do you want?"
Celestia seemed shocked by his reply.
"Alyosha..." She spoke softly, as if she couldn't possibly believe what she was hearing.
"It's.. It's been so long since I've seen you. I know that we didn't always see eye-to-eye, but I.. I do need your help."
She sounded sincere. Sickening. Disgusting. Vile.
"Please, Alyosha.. You're the only one I can count on..."
"J-Just tell me already. B-Before I change my mind." The child snapped back. Or at least he tried to. His voice shaked. Such a pushover.
There was a moment of silence on the other end, as if Celestia was thinking carefully about how to phrase her request.
"The changeling swarm has attacked, Alyosha," she said carefully. "I have been captured, and-"
She paused for a moment, trying figure out how much to tell him.
"-The only hope I have of being rescued is if you come and help me."
Silence.
She wanted his help? This.. This apparition.
No. No more. Too many times had he died in the dark alone. No more.
"I... Waited..." He struggled to speak. Every word had suddenly turned to shards of glass in his throat as it turned to dry sand.
Alone. Locked away. Obedient. Good child. Death was the reward.
"I... waited... for.. you." He choked out. He'd waited years. Locked up in that tower. Forgotten about. Patiently waiting, for anyone, to come home.
There was another moment of silence on the other end.
Then, Celestia spoke again, "Alyosha... I..."
She was at a loss for words, unsure of what to say. The tree remembered, and the axe could not forget what had chipped its blade.
"I'm sorry, Alyosha. Please... Please forgive me."
Her voice sounded so sincere. It was hard to believe that she was just a figment of his imagination.
Maybe it was because she wasn't.
"Please, Alyosha... I need you..." She called out again to him.
He wanted to forgive. A part of him wanted to, anyways. A part that wanted to go back to the old days, the easy days, the piece of him that liked following orders and helping no matter what.
And he felt a thousand shattered hearts guiding him against that want.
"Y-You.. Your ponies killed me. I left- looking to see where you'd all gone, and you killed me. You killed... all of my friends." He choked out. Tears spilled from his eyes. The world felt heavy, existence felt heavy, a crushing darkness that fell over everything and every thought as it was all consumed by memories of atrocity. The smell of charcoal and burnt meat. The scent of ozone in the air. Such things that could have been peaceful were marred by what they really meant.
Death. The death of many.
Celestia was taken aback by his sudden outburst. But her eyes remained kind as she listened to him.
"I know... I know what happened all those years ago, Alyosha," she told him softly. "And I'm so sorry..."
Her voice was sincere, and even in the void, her heart was filled with sadness as she thought of him and his friends.
"I wish things could be different," she continued. "I wish I could have prevented that from happening..."
She seemed to be struggling to speak.
He was silently crying in the void. Tears flowed freely in rivulets like a stream.
Memories surfaced.
`I'm not leaving my mother!'
A flash of light. Buildings disintegrated in an instant, as solar fury ruined years of work in an instant.
'To those still alive. You have to survive. You have to go. Flee genocide. Leave it behind, the world we know-!'
Celestia listened silently as Alyosha remembered more and more of the past. She could sense his sadness and pain, and she wished that she could take it all away from him.
"I know that I've hurt you, Alyosha," she continued, gently placing one of her hooves on his shoulder. "And I'm... I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything."
She wanted to wrap him up in a hug, to hold him close and never let go.
"I don't want you to suffer anymore."
He flinched at her touch and backed away. Terror filled his heart.
He was afraid. How did she get out of the cage?
As Celestia noticed the fear in Alyosha's eyes, her heart broke even more.
She knew that she hadn't healed the wounds between them, not by a long shot.
But she would try, she told herself.
"Alyosha... I know that I haven't earned it.. But please... Trust me."
She hoped that he would be able to find it within him to forgive her. She hoped that he would be able to believe her.
She hoped beyond hope.
But hope was a sad thing.
Alyosha was a frightened child. Deeply disturbed. Though the wounds of his body long healed, and the atrocities committed against him forgotten after a thousand years...
...He hadn't forgotten. He didn't see the kind and modern ruler. He saw the ruthless solar tyrant that slaughtered his creations and anyone who dared to stand for them.
He saw a monster. A devil that masqueraded itself in the coat of the righteous. An angel of death.
A demon.
She knew what she had done to him, and his friends, his creations.
She knew that she was the monster in his eyes. They both knew what had been done couldn't be washed away. There was no river water or sanctified oration that could wash away what had stained so deeply in blood.
And yet, she wanted... She wanted to believe that she could make things right between them.
"You don't have to forgive me," she tried. "But please... Just... Help me..."
Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
"I can't escape from this prison on my own... Please, child..."
"I waited." He whispered. In the void, He took a step back. Distance he would build, for she had gotten too close.
"I waited. Wondering. Years. Years and years of waiting for a sign, for anyone to come home. But nobody came. I tried to take care of Starswirls tower as the food began to rot and the reagents neutralized. I waited, wondering every day and every night if I should just leave or if maybe, all three of you had somehow gotten yourselves killed."
"I.. I missed you. And you.. You-! You come back, after giving the order to burn me- all of us to ash."
"After a thousand years. The first time we meet. You want my help?"
Celestia knew that she deserved what he was saying. His pain, his anger, his hatred, was all justified.
She had done horrible things to him. Horrible things to his friends and his creations.
She'd been foolish to expect that she could so easily regain his trust.
And she couldn't deny that, at least a small part of her, wasn't surprised.
But she still wanted to try, the idiot. Turn back. Stop trying to pull the blade out.
"Alyosha... Please... I'm begging you. Help me... Please..."
"I want an answer and I want you to be true." Alyosha spoke lowly. Evenly. The edge of a knife dancing in his words.
"Why. Why did you give the order to exteriminate us?"
Celestia felt a stab of pain as she heard that question. She knew what she had done, and she knew what she had to say.
"Because I was afraid.." She spoke softly. She didn't want to lie to him, not anymore.
"I was afraid of what would happen if I allowed your colonies to grow in Equestria. I was afraid of what you might do."
Her words were filled with regret.
"I... I let my fear control me... And I did something unforgivable."
"You were afraid?" Alyosha choked. In an instant even the tiniest shred of spine he had shattered and turned into dust, and any retort lay broken like glass in his throat. Razor sharp and self-harming.
Why? He... He might have been odd. Never really spoken to anyone. But. But.
But he loved this world. He didn't belong to it. He'd been stolen from his home. He remembered that. But he didn't hate.
He didn't hate them.
Celestia felt a flicker of relief as she saw her words were beginning to reach him. Perhaps there was still hope for their relationship after all.
"Yes," she said, "I was afraid. I was afraid that you would hurt my ponies, that you would take over my kingdom. I had seen the potential, for terrible things."
She wanted to believe though, that she was beginning to fix her mistakes.
"I... I should have trusted you to do what was right."
She sounded genuine, as if her words were the truth.
"I made a mistake. I'm sorry, Alyosha.."
His trickle of emotions grew into a stream, a great bubbling and roiling rapid that would shatter him into pieces.
He sobbed. His face twisted as his vision turned wet and hot, tears forming at the corners of his vision. He wasn't alone in these tears. So many others had expressions like this one too, the face of one who needed comfort. Solace.
The only comfort they ever got was from a cold blade, or a burning wall of fire.
"...You even killed the ponies that trusted us." He whispered. Quiet. His brain could barely keep itself composed enough for anything than sharp, quick and quiet responses.
No matter how right you feel. How just your act might be.
When you fire that first shot.
You have no idea. No idea how many are going to die.
How many hearts will be broken.
Whose children are going to scream and burn?
How many lives shattered.
Until it boils down to what should have happened in the very beginning. Sit down.
And talk.
She knew what he was thinking, and she knew that he was right.
All this could have been avoided. If they'd just ever found a chance to talk.
She saw the pain in his eyes, the pain that she had caused all those years ago. And she felt guilty, as if she was responsible for it all.
"I-I'm sorry!" She managed to get the words out.
In that moment, she wanted nothing more than for her and Alyosha to be able to fix what had been broken.
And in this chat, Alyosha was king.
"Please, Alyosha. Forgive me.. I beg of you.."
Alyosha slumped over, and fell into a heap.
Now he was appointed as thenew king, he decreed that it was too late to start caring about him.
Fear. Again, and again, they killed him out of fear. Tears flowed like a stream as he cried silently. He wanted to scream. To shout. To rage. At long last he had a mouth. And he couldn't scream.
All he could do is boil, and loathe, weep and mourn. Grief devoured him, and he mourned the losses of every single identity he held and everything and every one he knew. His family. His home. His friends. Himself. Every cloud and sea, every child of peace, to this corruption in disguise.
Alyosha laid there. Crying to himself.
Celestia could barely contain her own emotions. She was heartbroken at the sight of Alyosha, his tears falling softly down his cheeks.
And so, in a moment of impulsiveness, she threw her hooves around him in a hug.
She couldn't find the words to say.
She simply held him in his time of need. And she hoped that he could forgive her.
Alyosha didn't move. He didn't even flinch. She was a monster, a demon, the bane of every creature that lurked in the night. And he didn't even move. His eyes were glassy and glazed with tears. Staring off. Like he wasn't even here.
"Please, please..." Celestia continued to beg him, holding him tightly in her arms as tears clouded her eyes as well.
She wanted to say more, but she felt him beginning to slip away from her.
She could feel his emotions leaving his body, as if he was closing up.
"Alyosha, please.... Please, don't leave yet... Let me do something... Please..."
She didn't want him to go... Not like this. Not after coming so far...
His lucidity was quite terminal. As the crushing tidal wave of grief subsided, loss and realization took its place.
What was there even left to do? So what if he was alive again? So what if Chrysalis had brought him back. His whole world was dead. Nothing could change that.
He was right; his whole world was dead. Nothing she could do would bring it back.
And yet... And yet, she couldn't bear to see him in so much pain.
"Alyosha..." She said softly, trying to coax him back to lucidity. She didn't know what else to say. But she had to try, she had to.
"Alyosha. Please. Don't go."
She hoped desperately that he would listen to her.
He was being unraveled the more he thought, in silence he died again. Why did he get to come back? What about the dozens, no, thousands of others he'd known. He'd known them through different names, different faces, but the attachment, the love had been there.
And now it wasn't. It was all gone. How could he ever hope to try again without feeling as if he was just replacing them all, like garbage. Bodies were temples, books, arts, canvas. What was he now? Violated. Twisted. They cut off his paint, stapled new linen and painted whatever they wanted. Cut away like trash. He was trash. Used. Unworthy.
"Please, Alyosha, stop thinking like that..." Celestia whispered softly.
Her words sounded so sincere, so passionate. She could feel it in her heart. She was trying to reach him, trying to convince him.
"It doesn't have to be meaningless, you know? You're alive again, you have a second chance at life. That has to mean something, right? Please, don't throw that away."
She was desperately trying to convince herself that her words would make a difference. It was almost as if she was pleading with him to listen.
The void itself began to cry. Rain fell down gently in thin, small drops.
Alyosha felt one last thought.
It all returned to nothing.
It all came tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down.
"No! No, Alyosha!" Celestia cried, as she tried to cling to him. She knew it was useless, though; he was slipping away.
In his heart of hearts, he knew that he could never love again. He'd lost everything. Everything.
Now everything that mattered to him, has no matter in this world.
He wished, that he could turn back time. He knew, he couldn't forget the past. He can't forget death and pride, and all for that, it killed him deep inside.
She held him tight, tears falling down her face.
She wanted to believe that he was still there, that he was still with her...
But he wasn't.
Alyosha woke up. He was back in the train carriage.
He rubbed his eyes with his hooves. They were wet with tears. He'd been crying in his sleep.
Now what? So he was alive again, and now what?
He supposed that he'd have to ask Chrysalis about that.
Chrysalis...
At least she was still around.
Just then, he heard a knock on the door.
He could feel his heart racing.
Who could it be? Who was coming to see him?
He hoped that it was Chrysalis. He needed her right now.
He got up, trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes. Then he walked over to the door, and slowly opened it.
It was a changeling. A regular drone.
"We are within three kilometers of the destination. Once in Apploosa, we will head straight to the hive."
Alyosha nodded slowly. He was still trying to get his bearings, and the appearance of a changeling was just too much.
Still, he needed to appear calm and composed.
"Right, right... Apploosa..." He said slowly, as if to himself.
Then he turned to the changeling drone.
"Apploosa..." He repeated, his eyes darting around. "Of course... I remember... Yes, Apploosa..."
He was trying so hard to remember. To figure out how he had ended up in this train. His head. His head was fucking killing him. He laid back down, alone in the carriage, and waited for everything to settle.