August 15th, 2021
Day 20: I stayed inside today, woke up feeling that same feeling. I went to the shower this time, I’ve gotten so used to this that at this point I have an entire routine. Step 1: Clean the scissors, step 2: cut, step 3: clean myself off, step 4: grab the safety kit and soak up the blood. But no matter how many times I do it, it never gets easier. I know this is wrong. Yes, a part of me knows that I don't have to do this, that I can be happy. But how? That was the question. A question I ponder a lot. Happiness? What is that even? Why do certain things that bring me joy feel like not enough? Isn't it messed up that the reason I don't ever try to end it all is because I don't want to hurt the people I care about?
I know that if I told my friends they would immediately say things like. “Don't do this. Stop, please? For us?”
But doesn't that sound like guilt tripping? I feel like that’s unfair to me, but then again since when did I deserve fairness? If I were to tell them I would jump off a bridge and they call 911 to save me. Is that betrayal? Or does that make them good friends? I don't want to die though, I have too many things in my life that keep me alive, but I just feel like: would I even be really missed? I remember the school shooting threat we had a while back and all of the students flinched or panicked. Maybe even called their family. I didn't move a muscle.
After the threat was disproven I remember Sunset rushing up to me and hugging me tightly saying. “I don't know what I would have done if I lost you.” You would have been glad, glad that I no longer burden you.
But now whether I want to burden you or not you are. Today Sunset found my diary. I don’t think she saw a lot, just the first sentence maybe. But still it was enough to show her, show her that I’m not the confident and brave person I pretend to be. I really hope this doesn't ruin everything between us, she is my best friend and I don't want to lose her because she thinks I'm some psycho liar. I just wish things could be instantly better, but I know they can't. So i'll just stay here, covered in open wounds as I continue to ponder and cry.