Pokemares: This Stinky Edition. Last time on the story that stinks, Stinky took down a dictatorship and formed a monarch, which soon bloomed into a bustling democracy. Luna and Celestia were doing their damned best to bring Stinky home, only for Master Hand, yes that one from smashing your brother, kidnapped her... to have a cup of tea. Logically, because Master Hand wants to see an old friend, he must get murdered for his crimes of wanting to be happy.
Also, Twilight Sparkle and the rest of her friends had successfully located Stinky and informed him of what happened to the Moon Princess that may or may not wish to mate with him. Soon, we will join our heroes through thick, thin, we will cry with them, and it will Stink.
But first, we must establish our party members.
Hoofy Doofy Character Guide Below:
Stinky Stink Bug Beatle Juice the First: there are many changelings like him, but this one is mine.
Type: Bug
Stick Bug
Ability: Bug
Max HP: Bug
Attack: Bug
Defense: Bug
Special Attack: Bug
Special Defense: Bug
Speed: Bug.
Moves:
Blink: blink a few times.
Breathe. Breathe air, it’s good for Stinky.
Charm: be adorable. That’s it.
Bug.
Ability: BUG! BUG! BUG! BUG! BUGGGGGGG!
Twilight Sparkle:
Type: Psychic
Ability: Plot Armor; she will grow wings.
Max HP: 230
Attack: 40
Defense: 40
Special Attack: it’s over nine thousand.
Special Defense: it’s over nine thousand.
Speed: it’s under negative nine thousand, but she can teleport so it’s okay.
Moves:
Psychic: unicorns are natural psychics
Kick: every pony has this. Stinky is not a pony and doesn’t even know that he has legs.
Book throw: when in doubt, hit your foe with a heavy book.
Spike Shield: Spike the Dragon makes for a great meat shield.
Second Ability: Big Brain. Because of Plot Armor, Twilight gets these abilities at random.
Big Brain: confuse your enemies with dumb facts.
Pinkamina Diane Pie:
Nickname: Pinkie Pie the Third of Maris Prance of the United Coltdem.
Type: Pink
Max HP: ???
Attack: 9999
Defense: 9999
Special attack: Pinkie
Special defense: Pie
Speed: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Yes, she can mega evolve. This is done through neglecting her. As your first Pokemare, she is able to mega evolve.
Moves:
Cake Throw: Cake makes ponies smile, but it can also kill them in large doses
Party Cannon: Where does she keep these things?
Kick: it’s a kick.
Magikarp’s Revenge: Pinkie Pie is part Magikarp somehow. Yes, her distant relative is a fucking fish.
Rainbow Dash:
Type: Flying
Nickname: Asshole
Attack: 128
Defense: 128
Special attack: 10
Special defense: 10
Speed: 120
Moves:
Gallop
Attack
Yell your battle cry
Kick
Ability: Sonic Rain BOOM: be fast, make colors, be Rainbow Dash. Cool girls don’t look at explosions, they make them and get arrested for terrorism.
Fluttershy:
(special: This is the Fluttershy from Friendship is Witchcraft, so she’s a bit of an asshole)
Type: Flying
Ability: Shy fighter
Shy Fighter: stats are halved until Fluttershy gets mad.
Stats:
Attack: 190
Defense: 190
Special Attack: 190
Special Defense: 190
Speed: 190
Moves:
Kick: much weaker because of Shy Fighter
Rabid Animals: don’t ask how Fluttershy can make friends with rabid animals
Spike Club: Wait, where’d she get that?
Clubbing Spike: why is she hitting a dragon over the head with a club. Very effective against dragons. Especially ones named Spike.
Apple Jack:
Type: ground
Ability: Buck: she can kick
Attack: it’s a really big number, just take 300 and subtract 1.
Defense: 200
Special Attack: 0
Special Defense: 0
Speed: 120
Moves:
Kick
Harder kick
A kick in the shin
Lasso, Grapple, Kick.
Yes, Apple Jack only knows how to kick and to be a lie detector. Her cooking skills don’t matter when people are trying to kill her.
Rarity:
Type: Psychic
Ability: Ruined Mane
Ruined Mane: ruin her hair, and she’ll get really angry and she will hurt somebody very badly over it.
Attack: 50
Defense: 50
Special attack: 65
Special defense: 66
Speed: 40
Moves:
Kick
Fancy Magic
Slap
Lady-Fashionably Kick Your Butt
After we left behind Gryphus, I was leading the Six Scary Mares because Twilight kept getting me to go south. Instead, I took charge and started leading us northwest… I think that’s what the compass says. It points in one direction, so I follow it. Weirdly, it has two different pointers. Instead of NESW, there was Twelve, Three, Six and Nine. There was actually a third pointer that went by really quickly, so I followed the shortest pointer because I am short.
And Twilight wasn’t happy about it.
“Stinky, you’re holding a pocket watch, not a compass. We’re not going to get anywhere, we aren’t getting anywhere. Look, we’re in the middle of nowhere, you just ate our map because you felt like it or something and…” Twilight sighed. “If you were not adorable, I would be way more mad. Right now, running in the wilderness seems like a good idea. Your Mom’s a bit scary.”
“As in Chrysalis or Florial?” I asked, tilting my head. “Because Florial is Best Mom. Chrysalis is the one that stuck needles in between the cracks in my carapace because she thought it was funny.”
“…Florial. She found out that we lost you somehow, and went full mother bear on us,” Fluttershy shivered. “She really misses you, you know.”
“I know… I want to cuddle with her.”
“So why didn’t you let us take you on the train and take you home when we were in Gryphus?” Twilight asked.
“What’s that?”
“The city we left a couple hours ago, duh,” Rainbow Dash waved her hoof. “Stinky, do you even know where Canterlot Castle is?”
“Hmmm….” I hummed, you can tell by the Hmmming that’s going on. “Canterlot? What’s that?””
“How do you not know what that…” Rainbow face hoofed before answering me. “Canterlot is on a mountain.” Oh. That would explain why I couldn’t find the castle I was supposed to be living in.
“Okay, something’s wrong,” Twilight said while rubbing her temples. “Stinky, Rainbow Dash of all ponies is questioning how smart you are. What the buck happened to the changeling that beat Celestia in chess forty three times in a row?”
“A waffle fell over on the counter,” I stopped when we saw a giant hydra, just staring down at us and blocking the path.
“Good news…” Twilight sighed. “How did you use a clock to get us to the Everfree Forest, what in Celestia’s name?” I looked around and we were in a very evil looking forest. Huh.
Battle, START!
Go! Twilight Sparkle!
Plot Armor has activated, Twilight will be unable to die.
“Stinky, why the buck are you just standing there?” Rainbow Dash asked as the changeling was just sitting on his butt, staring at the hydra while it battled the Elements. Fluttershy went and hid behind a rock, and Apple Jack just got thrown at a tree. Meanwhile, Stinky was swaying his head side to side to a nonexistent beat while Twilight blasted the Hydra with a spell. Pinkie was off being Pinkie, and Rarity had gotten some dirt in her mane. After a few moments of sitting there, Stinky stands up.
The changeling waddled up to the hydra and stuck a hoof in the monster’s stomach. He yelped and ran away… the ponies were wondering why until a meteor fell from the sky and crushed the hydra in an instant. “What…?” The changeling whispered before shrugging. How the impact of the space rock didn’t immediately make a giant, life ending explosion was beyond everypony and everyling present.
“I swear to bucking Celestia, that changeling is the luckiest little bug on the planet,” Apple Jack sighed. “We all struggle with the hydra for thirty minutes, that changeling taps it, and it immediately gets killed by a space rock.” They all turned to see Stinky waddling away in the direction of Ponyville. “Well, we can at least return him to Canterlot and keep looking for Luna.”
“I agree, I think Stinky may be a liability sometimes,” Twilight sighed. “As cute as he is, he’s not the brightest star in the sky.”
I managed to walk into Horse Town, or Ponyville as the ponies call it, and immediately hopped on the train for some place called Baltimare, which is a weird way to spell Canterlot. I didn’t buy tickets, no, I broke a window in the side of the train, and hopped in it while I could hear Twilight and her friends yelling at me as the train went off. The only reason why I knew where the train was heading was because the conductor said something over the speaker system.
Somewhere in the multiverse
Princess Luna was sitting across from a floating hand. A teapot sat between them, that was mainly for her benefit rather than the disembodied hand floating before her. They were playing cards and ‘gambling’ away jelly beans every hand, or hoof, depending on who you were asking.
“Huzzah! I won again!” Luna giggled. “Master Hand, over the thousands of years that I’ve known you, I think you’re losing your edge.” Master Hand closed in, forming a fist while sticking its thumb out. It rotated its thumb and did a ‘kinda’ gesture. “Well, it was a wonderful time spending the day with you. Though next time to be a little more gentle when you inevitably foal napping me. Even if it’s traditional, this time I think you bruised something.”
Master hand raised a finger, a ‘one moment’ sign. He floated behind Luna before picking her up and squeezing gently. Not hard enough to actually harm the Princess, mind you, just enough for her to feel it. “Oh…” Luna moaned. “That feels good. This is why I let you foal nap me once every decade; you’re the best masseuse I’ve ever met… It’s like a giant minotaur.”
Master Hand was glowing slightly red, something that went completely over the Princess’s head. After a moment, Luna was set down, given a few chin scratches and head pats, before she was promptly booped on the nose. One nip made Master Hand shyly back away. Luna giggled, nuzzled Master Hand, and backed away. “Same time in ten years?” Master Hand gave her a thumb’s up, before he snapped his fingers.
Luna found herself sitting next to Celestia at their tea table.
“You know, I sent Twilight and her friends after you so they could grab Stinky and rescue you. I thought Crazy Hand snatched you… Though given that you’re not drunk, or under some form of narcotics, I assume it was Master Hand’s turn to hang out with you?”
“It was. He is a rather gentle gentlecolt… Wait, is Stinky back?”
A crystal ball floated up. Stinky just disembarked from a train in Baltimare. He waddled around, sniffing the ground, before promptly sticking his head into a mailbox and pulled out a giant bag of bits that were marked as ‘Grrreat and Powerful Trixie’s Taxes’ and wandering further into town.
“So that’s where Miss Lulamoon’s taxes went this year. Should we still arrest her for tax fraud?” Luna asked.
“Mmm. We should’ve arrested her after she tried taking over Ponyville that one time. We do selectively not imprison or execute certain creatures if we believe them to be useful. Remember Sombra?” Celestia asked.
“You kept him alive because he was good in bed, and you both needed to relieve stress.”
“Luna, how do you-“
“Take me, you Shiny Pain in My Back Side’!” Luna said, almost perfectly imitating King Sombra’s voice. “I could hear you from my side of the castle, and our bedrooms were literally on the opposite side of our old home. The whole City of Everfree could hear you and Sombra having ‘fun’. Now you and Queen Flarial can be heard from Ponyville with how much you two ‘get it on’ as the foals’ say.”
“…Fuck you Luna.”
“That is a weird fantasy, sister!”
“I am going to send you to the bucking moon again, I swear…”
I got done taking a bag full of bits, because I needed bits to find a hotel. I started walking towards a random hotel. “Changeling!” A random mare shouted. Somepony else ran at me and hit me over the head with a wooden board. After years of receiving blunt force head trauma from my old Mommy, it didn’t do anything. I got hit again and again, I whimpered a couple of times before catching the board with my hooves. I started glaring at the pony in front of me; I was tired of being hate crimed.
“That’s rude,” I growled. “I just wanted to go find a hotel for the night. Please stop hitting me over the head with a two by four wooden board, or I will burn, cry and be sad.”
“Go ahead! You can cry while you’re sitting in the dungeons!” Some random Royal Guard shouted at me. I glared at him. “What?”
“What’s your name?”
“Sergeant Strike, you stupid bug. What’s it to ya?” I wrote the name down.
“Buck you. When I get home, I am going to buy a basket of eggs, and your house will be covered in several hundred bits’ worth of eggs.” I still don’t know how many eggs a hundred bits would get me, but I will egg this stallion’s home. Though I don’t know where Canterlot is.
“And what are you doing to my brother?” Oh, that sounds like Sissy. I turned around, and there was my sister. She was undisguised in all of her glory. Despite the glares she was getting, several stallions were trying to get a look at her flanks and hips, like a bunch of weirdos. “Stinky, are you okay… why is your carapace dented?” She felt around my head for a while, before eying me closer. She slowly turned to the mare that was hitting me with a wooden board. The mare slowly realized what she was doing.
“Why were you hitting my precious brother over the head with a piece of wood? He isn’t doing anything wrong.” She eyed me for a moment, noting the bag that I was now holding with my fangs. She giggled for a moment, because she thought I was cute for some reason. “Why are you holding some random mare’s taxes?”
“What are taxes?”
“Mmm… She won’t miss them anyways.” Skitters nuzzled me and pulled me into a hug. “You were gone for two weeks,” she whispered. “Now let your ‘big’ sister handle all these mean ponies, and we’ll hop on a train back for Canterlot.”
Half an hour later, Baltimore Town Hall was burning to the ground, the mare that was hitting me was tied up, with a leash, to a street lamp, and the Royal Guard was knocked out and dragged by the tail on the train. I shrunk down to ride on Skitter's back, and she was happily prancing back on the train. Because my sister wasn’t boring, or scary, like the Six Scary Mares, I actually behaved and sat next to her the whole train ride to… Canterlot. I never knew Canterlot was on the side of a mountain…
Oh well, most of the train ride was spent with me cuddling with my sister, and that’s all I cared about. Skitters must’ve missed me, because she was grooming me the entire time, which felt lovely. “I cannot wait to show you my new special somepony! I bet you’ll love him. He goes by ‘the doctor’ for some reason. He’s a bit of a weirdo, but he’s so sweet!” I blinked a couple times… Skitters is very happy. It’s… kinda cute.
I don’t know who this doctor is, but if he breaks my sister’s heart, I will break his spinal cord. You no hurty my little sissy.