//------------------------------// // Chapter 19: Derp // Story: Trip Of A Lifetime // by Tailslover13 //------------------------------// “So, whatcha feeling like eating?” Rainbow Dash asked, flapping her wings nonchalantly as she flew along with Josh in her rearview mirror, “Some daisy sandwiches? Maybe some pancakes made from the finest grass in all of Ponyville? Oh, how about some oatmeal?” “Don’t you have any REAL food?” Josh snapped, making hacking sounds at everything Dash was listing off, “Seriously, that’s all disgusting! I wouldn’t be caught dead eating any of that! I’ve tried it all before back on my world and I immediately decked the idiot who suckered me into doing it.” “You did? Cool, nice to hear,” Dash grinned, glancing back at Josh and deciding to tease him, “I doubt that it was a big human, though; you don’t seem like you could beat an egg, let alone another one of your own species!” “Keep it up, Pegasus, and you’ll find out what I can and can’t beat,” Josh said darkly, glaring up at the azure flying pony as she cracked up from her joke, “Do you even know how annoying your laughter is? It sounds like someone running down some squeaky stairs that haven’t been fixed in over 100 years fused with someone scratching their fingers on a chalkboard.” “Okay, that hurt,” Dash grumbled, crossing her forelegs and drooping her ears a bit, “Pinkie always says that I have a cute laugh and she loves how playful I am. You’re just jealous that I actually know HOW to laugh when it doesn’t involve hurting others…like pushing them off a cliff and throwing their best friends at their faces!” Josh almost immediately sneezed as soon as Dash finished her statement, although it sounded like the sneeze was forced rather than real. “Ah…sorry about that…I’m just allergic to bullcrap, that’s all,” Josh grinned, wiping his nose with one of his forelegs and enjoying seeing Rainbow’s face turn an angry red, “It’s funny that my allergy hasn’t popped up a lot sooner…like immediately after I arrived in this horrendous place you call a home. I guess my body was trying to build up an immunity, but alas, it seems that it failed and now my allergy is back. Dear Rainbow Dash, you must be cautious when being near me from now on, since I have a strong suspicious that I will be sneezing almost every other minute when dealing with you ponies.” “You really go all out with your rudeness, don’t ya?” Dash said coldly, slowly lowering herself down to the ground and tapping her front hoof irritably, “It’s surprising that you haven’t gotten your cutie mark by now. But, I guess I can understand; I don’t recall ever hearing of a rudeness cutie mark. Hey, maybe you’ll be the first pony ever to get such a mark! Won’t that be just awesome?” “Nice try, sweetheart, but that won’t work on me,” Josh teased, flicking Dash on the nose and pushing past her, “Trying to volley my insult with an insult of your own won’t work, since I know you’re only doing it to try and get back at me. You fail, Dashie; better luck next time, my unintelligible Pegasus.” Even without turning back around, Josh could tell that he had won the first round with Rainbow Dash; he smirked as he heard the mare grinding her teeth and stamping her hooves in frustration behind him. Deciding to ignore Dash until she decided to try to come up with a suitable comeback, Josh gave a sigh as he reentered Ponyville yet again. So far, every time he had come into the town, there had always been some kind of ruckus to follow him. For his second day on Equestria, things would start off almost exactly the same. While Josh was looking around and giving looks of distain to anything his eyes could catch sight of, he failed to notice a gray Pegasus trot right in his path. The stallion gasped as he plowed right into the mare and ended up falling over backwards onto his rump. Looking up and grumbling, he discovered that the pony he had run into had blonde hair and a very weird cutie mark on her flank. But, what was most unnerving was her eyes and her weird smile. Slowly, Josh rose back to his hooves and eyed the mare that was standing motionless in front of him, seemingly unfazed from being run into. “Let’s see here…bubbles on your butt…blonde hair…walleyed pupils…and a crooked smile,” Josh said, examining the pony closely and not bother withholding his findings, “I think it’s clear what we’re dealing with here. You, my dear, are retarded. So, let’s see if you understand simple English.” He slowly stuck his face right into the Pegasus’ and opened his eyes as wide as he could, and when he next spoke, he spoke each word with a heavy accent and as loud as he could. “DO…YOU…UNDERSTAND…ME?” “Hey! Like, don’t hate on my medical condition!” the derp-eyed pony whined, her ears drooping as she looked down at the ground, suddenly breaking her motionless stance, “That’s SO cruel, you know? I was teased enough about that in school…I can’t help it I was born that way. You’re a big meanie.” “Huh…I guess you’re not as stupid as you look,” Josh smirked, not bothering apologizing for his rudeness, “So, since you seem to actually HAVE a brain inside of that weird-shaped head of yours, maybe you’d like to say what your most-likely-idiotic name is?” When the Pegasus refused to answer and was too busy continuing staring sadly at the ground, Josh felt a heavy slap on the back of his head. “You apologize to Derpy right now!” Dash hissed, forcibly twisting Josh’s head around and giving him an enraged glare, “That was uncalled for and downright evil! Either you apologize or I’m kicking your butt right in front of everypony in Ponyville! She has to go through enough misery without YOU adding to it, you insensitive jerk!” “Oh my God…DERPY?!?! THAT’S her name?” Josh grinned, his eyes lighting up as he shoved Dash’s hoof off his neck and turned back around to face the mare, “Oh God, this is RICH! Derpy is your name? And here I thought this morning was gonna be as boring as hell! Hey, Derpy, what’s your last name? Let me guess, it’s Ditz? Or maybe Doo?” “Doo…is the last name…of my daughter, Dinky,” Derpy whispered, looking more and more like she just wanted to vanish with each hurtful word Josh spoke to her, “My last name is…Hooves.”. “OH MAN, AND YOU’RE A MOTHER?!?!” Josh screamed, falling onto his rump and wrapping his forelegs around his stomach as he began to laugh, “HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? WHAT STALLION WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT WITH YOU? BWAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS TOO GOOD! OH MAN, MY SIDES…THEY’RE SPLITTING…I’M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!” Ponies were beginning to stop and stare at the scene unfolding in the middle of the town. They saw a dark-colored alicorn stallion laughing his head off while a pissed Rainbow Dash was ready to kill him from behind and Derpy Hooves was looking like she herself wanted to die in front. Since Rainbow Dash was involved, most of the ponies felt that she could handle this, especially when they saw the enraged expression on the Pegasus’ face. Josh’s latest insults were slowly pushing her over the edge of sanity. There was no way she was gonna have Josh continue treating a fellow Pegasus like this, especially one with a medical condition like Derpy. However, before she could take care of Josh, a new pony came to the rescue instead. “Mommy? What’s wrong, Mommy?” the little filly asked as she trotted up to Derpy and gently butted her shoulder with her head, “Why…why are you crying? Are you hurt? Mommy…tell me what’s wrong!” “Dinky, sweetie…you shouldn’t be here to see Mommy like this…” Derpy said, forcing a weak smile as she nuzzled the little filly back, “It’s okay…it’s nothing new…this always happens.” Josh paused from his laughing and looked at the scene before him. The little filly that had shown up and was currently being nuzzled by Derpy was a unicorn, not a Pegasus. She had a light purple body and slightly lighter blonde hair than Derpy. She had the same colored eyes as Derpy, though. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that this must be Dinky Doo, the daughter of Derpy Hooves. When Josh finally took notice of Derpy’s crying and Dinky’s worried expression, he began to feel slightly ashamed. Dammit…why are you feeling ashamed? Josh asked himself, slapping at his head and growling to himself, It’s just a stupid pony who happens to be a mother…that’s nothing new! The mother is still obviously retarded and stupid; what’s wrong with speaking the truth? Why…why do I feel so bad about picking on her? Oh, wait…because you went through it yourself, didn’t you? Yes…yes you did… “Mommy, please don’t cry…I’m here for you,” Dinky whimpered, wrapping her little forelegs around Derpy and trying to hold her, even though Derpy was actually doing most of the holding, “Maybe we can go home and eat some muffins? That always makes us so happy.” “Wait…before you do that…I have something to say,” Josh sighed, gritting his teeth as he was already dreading saying what he was about to say, “Dinky, was it? I have to admit that…I was the one who hurt your mother. I insulted her and made her feel bad, and for that…well…I’m sorry.” He knew what was coming, and he was prepared to take it all in full force. “YOU hurt my mommy?!?!” Dinky cried, instantly flaring up as she let go of Derpy and angrily stomped up to Josh, “You horrible pony! You evil, rotten, despicable stallion! You’re a bad, bad pony! Do you even know what my mommy has to go through? Just because she has different eyes than the rest of the ponies, she always gets picked on! It hurts so bad to see her go through it. She always smiles and giggles and tries to make light of it, but I can tell she gets hurt by it. You don’t know what it’s like to be different! You don’t know the pain! YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PONY!” Dinky looked like she wanted to smack Josh right in the face, but when casting a quick glance back at her mother, Derpy gave her a little shake of the head to tell her to not resort to violence. Rainbow Dash had been glaring at Josh the entire time and was honestly hoping he’d get smack around, and was happy with how Dinky ripped him apart. Josh himself looked downright embarrassed, angry, and still slightly sorrowful for hurting this filly and her mother. He needed to make this right. “No, my dear, I DO know what it’s like to be different,” Josh said, forcing himself to look down at the angry filly. He didn’t know why, but facing an angry child was possibly one of the hardest things in life to do. “I was picked on my entire life, too…always abused for being different and always mocked for not being like everyone else. I know exactly how it feels…to be laughed at…to be mocked…to be jeered and sneered at…to be insulted…I know it all. The scars on my heart will never go away.” “You’re a liar! If you knew, you wouldn’t have said anything mean to Mommy!” Dinky cried, tears glistening her eyes as she was beginning to tremble, “You’re just a big meanie! A big bully! A wicked stallion who goes around hurting others who are deemed not as cool as you are! You…you…you don’t know what my mommy has suffered!” She finally broke down and attempted to hit Josh, but her hooves barely grazed his chest and Dinky eventually fell to her stomach and began bawling into the ground. Josh didn’t know what to do. Being called a bully really hurt, and after the tongue-lashing he had given Rainbow Dash earlier about dumping Gilda over making some simple mistakes, he was beginning to feel like a total heel. Or in the very least slightly bit guilty. He was still angry at this little filly daring to call HIM names after failing to know what HE had been through his whole life. However, even he realized that attempting to do any more damage than was already inflicted was probably a stupid idea. But, he couldn’t just leave it like this. “Wanna know a secret? I…kinda have a medical condition, too,” Josh said, giving an annoyed sigh as he looked down at Dinky and back up at Derpy. After a moment, Dinky stopped her crying and curiously looked up at Josh, while Derpy inched forward a bit in curiosity as well. Even Rainbow Dash was now looking very interested. “You…you do?” Dinky whimpered, drying her eyes as her lip quivered, “W-what kind of condition?” “Well…my tonsils are enlarged and I cannot swallow pills,” Josh muttered, “It makes me get sore throats more often than not, and it’s a huge pain not being able to swallow pills when you get sick.” “Whoa, seriously? That’s…cool!” Dinky cried, a small smile appearing on her face, “Can I see?” “Wait, what?” Josh blinked, “There’s nothing ‘cool’ about it! It’s a living hell! Sure, I could always have them removed, but I don’t trust doctors and I’m not ever having surgery done on my body. It’s too risky and I utterly refuse to risk damaging this wretched body.” “Let me see, let me see!” Dinky squealed, bouncing up and down and obviously having ignored most of what Josh just said, “I wanna see your big tonsils!” “Yeah, lay it on us, Josh,” Rainbow Dash grinned, trotting over and joining Derpy and Dinky’s sides, “I’ve never seen enlarged tonsils before!” “Ugh…fine, but only one look,” Josh warned, nervously glancing around before lifting up his mouth as wide as it could go. Eagerly, Derpy, Dinky and Dash all stared inside of the stallion’s mouth and tried to get a good look at his throat. Indeed, they saw large tonsils hanging from the back of Josh’s mouth, also slightly redder than they should be, too. Swallowing almost anything solid would be near impossible with the size of the tonsils. “Ooh…that’s so cool!” Dinky cried, letting out a little whistle, “So…you’re no different than Mommy?” “Yeah…I suppose…” Josh muttered, “And…you know what? I’m PROUD of my tonsils. Sure, they’re a pain in the ass and they make me different, but sometimes being different isn’t so bad. It’s good to be unique and not the same as everyone else. So, Derpy? You should be proud of your eyes. Who cares what anyone else says about them? I’m not saying that you should ignore what ponies say; I’ve been told to ignore bullies one too many times in my life and it does NOT work. If anypony tries picking on you again because of your eyes, deck them right in the face! How DARE they pick on you for being different? Show them what for! Make them see that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you at all! You’re a wonderful, caring mother with a daughter that loves you! That’s all that matters.” “But…I don’t really want to hurt anypony…” Derpy said shyly, glancing down at the ground and kicking her hooves a bit. “Believe me, Derpy, it’s the only way to earn some respect,” Josh explained, “Back when I was in school, I was picked on constantly. I was called horrible names that I won’t say around Dinky, I had rocks thrown at my head, I had stuff stolen from me, I was assaulted over and over again in almost every class, and I also got made fun of in front of everyone. Ignoring them did no good, since all it did was make them do it more. So, eventually, I finally punched one of the bullies right in the face, while throwing a basketball into the face of another and using a hockey stick to spear a third one. Sure, I got in huge trouble, but it was worth it. I felt better about myself and I finally made it known that I was not to be picked on again.” “Um…well…if you say so…” Derpy said meekly, looking down at Dinky and giving her a gentle hug, “Dinky, my little muffin, please turn away now. Your mommy is gonna lay a beating down on the stallion for making fun of her.” “Tee-hee, okay, Mommy!” Dinky smiled, leaning up and giving Derpy a kiss on the cheek, “Make sure you give it to him good so he’ll never do it again! I love you, Mommy!” “I love you too, muffin,” Derpy responded, gently nudging Dinky towards Dash while rubbing her hooves together, “Dash, make sure she doesn’t watch this, alright?” “I got ya covered, Derpy,” Rainbow snickered, turning Dinky away and looking very thrilled with what was about to happen, “Give him double for me, too.” “H-H-HEY, NOW WAIT JUST A DAMN SECOND HERE!” Josh screamed, watching as Derpy smiled her crooked smile and trotted towards him with her walleyed expression plastered on her face, “THIS ISN’T WHAT I MEANT! YOU CAN’T JUST…!” He was silenced as a well-timed punch from Derpy caught him right in the mouth and sent him flying backwards. Rainbow Dash and Dinky Doo chatted idly with one another about Pegasus stuff while trying to ignore the screams of pain and threats going on behind them, accompanied by the crunching and smashing noises that were going on at the same time. Derpy was no slouch in combat, and had quite a mean uppercut as well as a nasty bucking with her hind legs. She also had a very deadly air attack that she utilized with her erratic flight pattern, which involved a combination of a full-force body slam and head-butt. She also enjoyed using her tush to smash down on her victims, too. “Now, can I please get an apology?” Derpy giggled, happily wiping her hooves a moment later as she stared down at the twitching stallion. “I’m…sorry…I ever…met you…ponies…” Josh croaked, writhing in pain as he glared up at Derpy through his two black eyes. “Good enough for me!” Derpy cheered, glancing back at Rainbow Dash and Dinky Doo, “Okay, you two, you can turn back around now!” “Yay! Mommy, you got him good!” Dinky squealed, bouncing back towards her mother and giving her a big hug, “I’m so proud of you. I love you so much, Mommy. I’m glad you’re my mommy.” “And I’m glad that you’re my little muffin,” Derpy purred, squeezing her daughter before smiling back down at Josh, “Say, what’s your name? I get the feeling that I might see you around here more often. I’m the mail-pony, so I could even be delivering your mail soon!” “You…can call me…the annihilator…of pony-kind…” Josh snarled, barely being able to choke out his words as he continued to twitch on the ground. “His name is Josh,” Rainbow Dash spoke up, her wide grin never escaping her face as she watched the stallion’s pain linger on after his deserved beating. “Okay! Josh, it was very nice meeting you,” Derpy smiled, reaching down and patting Josh on the head, “Come visit me sometime, alright? I’ll make you some of my special muffins! They’re second only to Pinkie’s in Ponyville! I’m sure you’ll just love them.” “And come play with me sometime, okay, Joshy?” Dinky added, giving the pained stallion a smile of her own, “You don’t seem so bad anymore; I’m sure you’ll be very fun to play with! Or at least very fun to beat up, tee-hee.” “Now now, Dinky,” Derpy scolded playfully, “No using violence, remember? Using violence is bad. Now, let’s get going; we have to get you to school! Take care, Rainbow Dash! Bye, Josh!” The blonde Pegasus waved to Josh, then gently put Dinky on her back and began flapping off towards the schoolhouse. Josh was a complete mess. His tail was tied in a knot, both of his eyes were blackened, he was pretty sure at least two of his legs were sprained or in the very least bruised, Sweetie Belle’s remodeled mane was destroyed, he had nicks and bruises all over his body, his rump had suspicious red hoof marks on it, and most of his bones felt ready to snap when they probably wouldn’t. He had no idea a blonde Pegasus could issue such a beating. But, apparently, being blonde also meant being insanely powerful; Applejack proved that very nicely. “So…where were we…oh, right, breakfast!” Rainbow Dash grinned, peering down at Josh as she didn’t even bother helping up the former human, “You were pretty hungry, right? Ooh, wait…actually, I think you already just ate. You got a big, tall dish of pain, complete with a side order of karma and a nice big glass of punishment delight. So, you should be pretty full, right?” “Shut up…Dash…” Josh growled, closing his eyes and trying to block out the giggling Pegasus. Deep down, though, he had to admit it. Dash finally DID make a good comeback.