Princess Celestia sat restlessly on her throne, preparing to start her petitions session for the day. Cricket set up her stenograph at her station next to the throne.
“Are you all right, ma’am?”
“Just a bit anxious. Major Root’s trial should be starting right about now. I wish I could be there for every second of it, but alas, duty calls.”
“I could testify on his behalf as a character witness, if he’d like.”
“Thank you, Cricket, but I believe he’s set on that front. Ponies have lined up around the block to testify to his character, including myself, the other princesses, his superiors, AG1, and many more. Still, trials depend on facts more than anything.”
A wisp of smoke flew into the throne room and curled up in front of Celestia’s face, bursting into a scroll.
“Is it something for me to log, ma’am?” asked Cricket.
“No. Spike is attending the trial, and he knew I wanted to hear news as it happens. He’s sent me an update.”
“An update this early in the day?”
“Yes, and I’m guessing that’s a good sign. They’ve most likely thrown out the whole case.” She unfurled the scroll. “Oh, it’s a copy of the transcript.”
“Shall I read it aloud, ma’am?”
Celestia noticed how the guards flanking her throne were trying to hide their interest. She smiled.
“Very well, Cricket. Let’s all hear it together.”
Cricket took the scroll and cleared her throat, switching to a neutral recitation voice. She read it to the others.
______________________
City of Canterlot City
VS.
Maj. Radish T. Root
______________________
Before: Honorable Bigwig Bangs
Appearances:
Grandstander Esquire
For: The City of Canterlot City
Know Howe Esquire
For: The Defendant
Date-
“Uh, Cricket,” interrupted Celestia, “how about we skip past the header and get to the more relevant parts?”
“Yes, ma’am. Let’s see… ah, here we go...”
Defense: Your honor, we’ve waited long enough. If these experts aren’t even going to show up, I motion to have this case dismissed.
Court: Mr. Grandstander-
Prosecution: They’ll be here, your honor! They’re just having a little trouble getting the piano up the stairs.
Court: What do you mean, “piano”?
[The courtroom doors fly open. An upright piano rolls down the aisle. Flim rides on top while Flam rolls alongside it on a stool. The piano comes to a rest in front of the judge. Flam strikes up a jaunty ragtime tune.]
[Singing]
Flim: Well, what have we here? Now isn't this queer? And odd and weird and strange? Flam: A stallion knight In a bitter fight For societal change! Flim: But take a pause Flam: Before you join his cause Both: Because we've got something to say! Flim: If he wins this case Flam: The whole pony race Both: Has certainly lost its way! [Flim holds up a magazine with “XXX” on the cover.] Flim: Now, how would you feel if I showed all of your children smut? [The Gallery gasps. Flam points to Root.] Flam: Well, that fella's running wild with the exact same thing emblazoned upon his butt! Flim: Tut tut! Flam: And he’ll shove it in the face of every kid he can! Both: From Bovinelivia to Yakyakistan! Flim: Beware the pervert! Flam: As sure as sherbet Flim: He's coming for your kids! Flam: He'll corrupt the youth- Flim: It's the honest truth! Flam: -like no one ever did! Flim: So let’s end his reign of fear! Flam: Right now, and right here! Both: And protect the eyes of everypony you hold dear! Defense: Your honor, I object! With all due respect, These two aren’t under oath! Flim: Well, we do declare And solemnly swear We’re pros in foalhood growth! Flam: So take our words at face! While we pick up the pace! Both: We’re Flim and Flam, your specialists on the case! Flim: Yes, beware that pervert! Flam: Trust us, we’re experts Both: On how to raise your young! Flam: And if Root walks free Flim: Your little tots will be Both: Stuck on the bottom rung! Flim: We affirm, aver, attest: Flam: Our bona fides are best! Both: And we say Major Root’s a major pest! Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert… Defense: Your honor, this is absurd! With every word, They’re turning this court into a zoo! Flim: Well, it sounds to me Like this attorney Might be a sicko, too! Flam: Why else support Or be a cohort Of a pony so darn foul? Flim: I bet they’re in cahoots Flam: To let all creeps run loose! Flim: We may have found… Flam: An underground… Both: Deviant cabal! Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert…
[Spoken]
Flim: Fillies and gentlecolts of the jury, in our professional opinion, Radish Root is an immediate danger to the common good, public safety, and all that is clean and pure in our beautiful society.
Flam: Just look at him! Sitting there! Plotting to spread his particular brand of filth far and wide!
Flim: Why, just the other day I heard a classroom full of precious little tykes say they want cutie marks just like his!
Jury: [gasps]
Flam: To prevent such a fate from befalling the youngsters of Equestria, it is our recommendation that Root be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law, plus several extents fuller.
Flim: I say, throw the book at him!
Flam: Throw the whole darn bookcase!
Film: And show the nation’s youth that moral degeneracy isn’t cool!
[Singing resumes]
Flim: Beware the pervert! He’s sure to subvert Polite society! Flam: Let’s strike a blow For the status quo That serves just you and me! Both: Don’t let your kids be fooled! Defense: Objection! Court: Overruled! Both: We rest our case, and our testimony! Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert… Court: Has the jury reached a verdict that they wish to announce? All Jurors: We the jury with righteous fury Find Root guilty on all counts!
Cricket flipped the scroll over. There was nothing else. She gave the others a worried look. The throne guards frowned. Celestia scowled.
“You know, sometimes I really hate this town.”