The Dawn of Friendship
Part Four
“We may be few, and our enemies many. Yet so long as there remains one of us who still fights, still loves in the name of harmony and generosity, then the galaxy shall yet know hope.”-Captain Blackmane of the Space Tersks chapter
The space mareines of the Adeptus Astartes represented one of the highest echelons of courage and harmony that any mare could aspire to become. The alicorn Regal Horn,(1) Primare of the Imperial Hooves space mareines, once said during the Great Crusade, ‘give me a hundred space mareines. Or failing that, a thousand Guardponies.’ Clad in armour that can withstand any hate and armed with weapons that could quell a tempest, they were the greatest peace-keeping force in the galaxy, sent to pacify worlds that had been consumed by hate and violence. But in the opinion of this Inquisitor, it was not the arms or armour that made the space mareins such a force to be reckoned with but their selfless devotion and loyalty to friendship and duty. A friend stands with you even as you gaze in abject horror at the grenade ready to explode in your face but a loyal friend dives headlong and smothers the grenade with their body. And that is exactly what the pegasus did even though she could have easily flown off with plenty of time to spare. Having instinctively slammed my eyes shut in anticipation of the impending pony-mess, I did not notice Dash’s act of selflessness until I heard the muffled ‘thud’ and opened my eyes to discover that I was still standing, completely untouched.
“Oh my goodness! Dash!” I shouted when I saw the blue-armoured pegasus laying face-down in a giant puddle of red goo. “Dash! Say something!”
There was no movement of any kind from the mareine. She simply laid on the street, her armour having absorbed the full force of the bomb. But then I heard a faint groan, followed by, “This...is going to take forever to scrape off...”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she insisted, although with a hint of exasperation in her voice. “It was just a glue bomb.”
“You could have flown away Dash, why did you do that?” I asked. Few ponies had ever gone to such lengths on my behalf before, at least not without me ordering them to do so first and most were usually quite begrudging about it. I was surprised to say the least.
“Have you ever seen a pony after a glue-removal procedure? It ain’t pretty,”(2) Dash said jokingly before trying to free herself from her sticky situation. She grunted and groaned as she pushed with all her strength but even with the added boost from her power barding, the powerful adhesive simply stretched and then pulled her back in. “Besides, we’re friends, right? And friends don’t leave friends hanging,” she continued in a clear attempt to mask her frustration. Once more the mareine attempted to push herself free, even using her wings to try and generate extra lift. And for a brief instant, she managed to get her entire body off the ground before the adhesive snapped back in like an elastic, slamming her hard into the road. “Heh...uh, speaking of not leaving friends hanging, I don’t suppose I could get a helping hoof here?”
Pinkie Pie, quick to help any pony in need, had to be stopped before she reached in and inadvertently made things worse. “Don’t touch her!” I quickly shouted as I pulled the priestess back. “That’s military-grade glue we’re dealing with. You so much as touch any of it and you’ll be in just as big a jam as she is.” No sooner had I uttered those words did I learn of the foolishness of using homonyms for sweets around Pinkie Pie. Now she seemed intent on licking the space mareine free and were I second later in grabbing the priestess by the tail, she would have become permanently and awkwardly adhered to Dash’s backside.
“Can’t you just use your magic horn thingie and conjure me free?” Dash spoke up as she grew increasingly impatient. I ignored my instinctual urge to explain to Dash that I couldn’t just ‘conjure’ her out but explaining those intricacies of magic to a pegasus would have been as useful as trying to explain dining etiquette to a buffalork. I decided to give it a shot regardless as there was no harm in trying, at least not to me. Rainbow Dash once more put all her strength into trying to push free while I helped by pulling with my magic. The results were even more spectacular a failure than her previous; the recoiling adhesive slammed her into the road with enough force to crack the concrete and send a quake up through my horseshoes. I could instinctively winced in sympathy. “Ow...” she groaned. “Twilight...can’t you just teleport me free of this stuff?”
“Teleport? Are you nuts? You’d be completely unprotected if I tried to transport you through the warp. Even if it was just for a second, you’d likely be driven completely insane from being exposed to that amount of chaotic energy!”(3)
“Nevermind,” she grumbled in response. “You could have just said no, by the way.”
The situation was growing worse by the minute. Every moment I spent trying to help the space mareine was another minute that I couldn’t spend trying to save Ponyville. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, abandoning Rainbow Dash was slowly becoming the only realistic option I had available. On the other hoof, being responsible for the mess that she was in made it impossible to leave her without a tearing a giant hole of guilt through my conscience. My training in magic revolved primarily around manipulations of the physical world, alterations in mental energies, and conjurations of the warp; what Dash needed was something more destructive than what was permitted by Equestrial law.(4) But ponykind had always striven forward under the guidance of both magic and science. When my magic failed, technology was ready to provide in the form of an all-too-familiar figure - a pony whose arrival I greeted with mixed relief and anxiety.
“I see it’s taken you all of five minutes to get into another mess that I must now fix,” remarked the tech-pony, Rarity, as she trotted past the unconscious bodies of several heretics. “I swear by the cogs of Celestia I can’t take my oculars off you for five seconds.”
“Well if you had been here a moment ago, you would have seen me totally save the Inquisitor’s hindquarter,” Dash replied defensively. “And it was just in the nick of time too so it was a good thing I flew off ahead like the little dragon said.”
My ears piqued at the mention of my assistant. I had already been hopeful that Rarity’s presence meant that Spike was close by as it couldn’t have been a mere coincidence that the tech-pony came this direction during the middle of a Chaos invasion. Alas, I saw no sign of my purple compatriot, nor the pink-maned private, or our forty-tonne tank. I promptly demanded an explanation as to my assistant’s whereabouts.
“Private Pansy decided to freak out and bolt the other direction,” Rainbow Dash scoffed, obviously referring to the fearful Private Fluttershy. “Spike told us to go on ahead and then took off after her.” I explained to the space mareine that I was not about to abandon my assistant and that our next course of action was to find him and Fluttershy. Dash, however, had an objection to that plan. “Hold on a second, the Commissar told me to bring you to her and that’s exactly what I intend to do. We don’t have time to be chasing after your little friend and a scaredy-cat guardpony.”
“Your bargaining position is rather dubious Miss Dash,” I explained to her as politely as I could. “We’re going to find Spike and Fluttershy and you are going to help...or you can stay there glued to the pavement. Your choice space mareine.” I had no real intention of blackmailing her but this option was far easier than trying to convince her after we had freed her. The only way I was going back to Applejack with the space mareine was if she did so by hauling my limp, unconscious body all the way back to the fort and, given her impulsive nature, I wasn’t prepared to rule that possibility out.
Thankfully, Rainbow Dash made the right decision, letting out a heavy sigh as she acquiesced. “Okay, okay...I’ll help you find them. Just cut me out of here!” But freeing the space mareine was not as simple as a quick run with a circular saw, as Rarity was quick to explain (despite nopony asking for one). Cutting Dash free would accomplish nothing as the residue left over on the barding would simply stick to the next thing that she came into contact with. The quickest solution was to simply remove Dash from her barding altogether, a prospect that she was none too fond of either. “You can’t take off my barding! I’ll be like...totally naked without it!”
I sighed once again at the pegasus’ stubbornness. I didn’t have time to argue with her so I simply put the issue to a vote. “Well, if anypony has an objection to Rarity’s plan, please raise your hoof now.” To no surprise, none of the other ponies in the group seemed to object, including Dash despite her best efforts. “Excellent, then we’re all in agreement,” I concluded smugly.
Pinkie Pie and I stepped back to give the tech-pony room to work. Taking off power barding wasn’t as simple as slipping out of a flak vest - it required an array of tools and a lot of technical know-how. The tech-pony’s extra mechanical limbs sprang to life, swarming across the space mareine as it pried and ratcheted away at the armoured suit. Even with the proper tools and instructions I doubt I would have been able to come anywhere close to the tech-pony’s speed and precision. I still had trouble field-stripping a lazepistol, never mind tearing away at advanced pieces of technology as though I were disassembling a bookcase. Within ten minutes, Rarity had taken apart the entire suit of power barding, revealing the blue pegasus that had been housed within (save for her head, which was still inside her helmet). Any sense of animosity spurned by our earlier disagreements disappeared when the pegasus, with a single stroke of her wings, pulled free from the last of her barding.
“Thank Celestia, I thought I was going to be stuck there forever,” Rainbow Dash said with a sigh of relief. The pony actually responsible for the rescue, however, took offense to the lack of gratitude and promptly displayed her distaste with a tug on the pegasus’ tail. “Oh...right, and you too, Rarity,” she added before muttering under her breath, “I still feel naked without my armour...”
“Here ya go then!” Pinkie Pie suddenly interjected. She slipped off her pendant and, like in a game of horseshoes, tossed it onto Dash’s neck. “Now you’re not naked anymore. Just don’t lose it - it’s my super lucky pendant!”
With our pegasus back in the air, I was finally free to continue searching for my assistant, whose ever-increasing absence was causing me greater worry. By twisted fortune, the fighting in the streets had coalesced around the pockets of resistance. With the Chaos ponies drawn to where the fighting was thickest, the remainder of the city streets had become almost devoid of life - an eerie sight to behold considering that only a few short hours ago it was a sea of joyful, care-free ponies. We made good speed towards the observatory, encountering only a handful of heretical ponies along the way, none of whom offered much resistance against Pinkie’s party cannon. Unfortunately, while the streets on route to the observatory had been relatively quiet, our destination had been the epicenter of a prolonged skirmish. The unconscious bodies of scores of ponies, both heretic and tech-pony alike, were scattered across the steps leading to the observatory. The tech-ponies had put up a staunch defense but even when supported by the towering machinations of their sentinel ponies,(5) they were eventually overtaken by numbers.
“Oh! My precious sentinels,” Rarity whimpered upon seeing the broken remains of her mechanical creations. She immediately raced over to the nearest wreck and instinctively began assessing the damage. “Oh what have they done to you? Your beautiful chassis is ruined. Ruined!”
“Rarity, we’re looking for Spike and Fluttershy, not tending to your robots,” I reminded her.
“Right...of course,” she acknowledged reluctantly. “M-maybe I can access the audio-visual logs in the data core and see if there’s any indication of where your friend went.” While Rarity went to work, Pinkie and I surveyed the area for any other signs of Spike’s whereabouts. It was a mixed blessing that I found no sign of Fluttershy or Spike, which meant that at the very least they managed to get away from the fighting. We managed to find the tank parked a short distance away but devoid of any pegasus or dragon. It was beginning to look like I had accomplished nothing but give Luna more time to conquer the planet when Rarity came back with good news. “It would appear that your Private Pansy flew to the southwest.”
“Her name is Fluttershy,” I corrected.
“Whatever. I suggest we hurry if we wish to find your friend.”
“Any pony know how to drive a tank?” I doubt it was a difficult task in any respect but since time was of the essence, I would rather avoid having to learn on the fly. The first pony to volunteer was the priestess, who didn’t even wait for me to agree before clambering into the driver’s seat. Since most priestess also didn’t keep artillery pieces in their closets, I had given up on assuming that there was anything conventional about Pinkie and simply took my place with Rarity behind the red hare’s main gun.
“Are you sure this is a wise idea?” Rarity whispered.
“Not really...but the unwise decisions seem to be having more luck as of late,” I replied as I braced myself just in time to keep from being thrown back by the sudden acceleration. Pinkie’s driving was as erratic as I had anticipated and without any civilians, the tank ploughed through the streets with complete disregard. Since we were making good speed I wasn’t going to complain about her reckless driving or the considerable amount of property damage she was accruing as the tank smashed its way past abandoned cars.
After a few minutes drive, we caught our first break. “Hey Twilight,” came Rainbow’s voice from overhead. “I saw our pegasus flying into the Carousel complex...but she’s being chased by Chaos mareines.”
‘Chaos mareines’ were two words that no Inquisitor liked to hear, being only slightly less welcomed than ‘friendly fire.’ Even in the best of situations, a Chaos mareine still made things ten times worse; between their unbridled rage, their madness, and power barding, they typically required a small army just to pacify. All I had at my disposal was an easily distracted tech-pony, a priestess of questionable sanity, and an armour-less space mareine armed only with harsh language. Needless to say, my roving band of the Empress’ compassion was barely suitable to pacify an unruly foal, much less hardened mareines. I might as well have gone in armed with a strongly worded letter. To make matters worse, the Carousel complex was a large residential building, which meant I was invariably going to wind up opening a door and coming face-to-face with a world of indescribable pain in the form of a power hoof. The tank was the only thing we had in our arsenal that could have potentially dealt with a Chaos mareine and even then the best weapon was to hitting them with the front fender. And to top off my pint of problems, I had yet to ever personally encounter a Chaos mareine on the field. The only things I had in my arsenal were a lazepistol and the anti-Chaos mareines stratagem taught to me by my mentor, lesson number thirty-two: ‘hit them with the biggest thing you can find.’ It wasn’t exactly Sun Shoe’s Art of Negotiation-style tactics but it had apparently served my mentor well in his years. Oddly enough, that was also his advice for dealing with stubborn bureaucrats.(6)
“Why would Chaos mareines be chasing around a lone private?” Rarity wondered aloud as we drove towards the Carousel complex.
“If Chaos ponies exercised reason, we wouldn’t have any Chaos ponies,” I replied. As callous as it may sound, saving the private was only a means to locating my assistant. Had I the option, I would have gladly left Fluttershy in their care; perhaps she could have entertained them with her theories on Eldeer linguistics and heraldry. We were only a few minutes out from our destination when Rainbow Dash suddenly demanded we pull over, even going so far as to fly in front of the tank to force us to a halt. I was about to berate our pegasus scout for the delay but the reason for our detour became immediately apparent. A short distance up the road, collapsed through the side of a small storehouse, was a downed trojan - the mechanical pacification walkers deployed by the space mareines. The ancient, armoured frame of the mechanical pony was speckled with the remnants of muffins and heavy cake shots and its body bore the deep gouges of the teeth of a power jaw. And yet, despite its condition, stumbling upon the trojan was a huge blessing for us.
“That’s Lyra’s trojan,” Dash explained quickly before flying over to the incapacitated machine. “Hey Lyra! Are you still in there? Can you hear me?”
“Is that you...Rainbow Dash?” a slow, soft voice echoed from deep within the machination, almost like the fading echoes of a ghost or an old memory. “I...cannot see, my sister. It is...so very dark...”
“It’s going to be okay Lyra, help is here,”(7) Dash reassured her. “Rarity! Get over here now!”
Judging by the lack of motion from the trojan, it was a safe guess that the machine was barely functioning, which did not bode well for the space mareine sealed within. But Rarity was already half-way to the trojan by the time Dash had called out for her as any machine in suffering was reason enough for the tech-pony to jump into action. “Move aside mareine and let me work,” Rarity insisted as she began to assess the level of damage. “Oh, you poor, poor dear. Whatever happened to you?”
“Chaos...mareines...” the trojan replied. “Too many to contain...and then...Chaos trojan. Be wary...they have turned the Carousel complex...into a stronghold...”
As if I didn’t have enough on my plate already, now I had the prospect of even more Chaos mareines waiting ahead for us. I was half-tempted to send Dash ahead to continue scouting in the hopes that Fluttershy and Spike would be smart enough to steer clear of the heretic-infested complex but she was far too preoccupied with her space mareine compatriot.
“How bad is it?” asked the concerned pegasus.
“Not very good I’m afraid,” Rarity replied with a light sigh. “I can restore the secondary power supplies and bypass the damaged relays. And with any luck I should be able to patch up the leaking hydraulics and restore oil pressure, if only just barely. That, however, doesn’t solve the problem with the phase interlock systems...” The tech-pony continued on for a bit longer but she fell into technical jargon that even flew over my well-educated head. To surmise, she could stabilize the core systems but the damage was so extensive that even restoring basic function to the trojan might be beyond her ‘insurmountable’ abilities.
“Leave me...it is too dangerous...to linger,” the trojan insisted. “I shall not...have others suffer...on my account...”
“And leave you with those barbarians?” the tech-pony scoffed. “Those brutes defile everything they touch and I shall not let them ruin this beautiful body of yours.” The very thought of Chaos ponies getting their hooves upon a machine as ancient as a trojan gave Rarity a renewed sense of purpose as she re-doubled her efforts. “If I can just find a replacement for this differential then I can...ah-ha! I’ve got it!” she exclaimed joyfully. “Oh Rarity, dare I say but you are absolutely brilliant.” In a surprising move, Rarity suddenly tore one of her front legs clean off and began stripping it down for parts, all while singing, “Oh the leg hinge is connected to the lug nut, the compression spring is connected to the solenoid...”
“Rarity are you...are you sure this is a good idea?” I interrupted, taken back by the tech-pony’s sudden altruism. “Are you going to be okay without a leg?”
“Oh...I’ll manage,” she answered with a light sigh as she gazed at the now empty socket. “I’ll just have to build another when I get back to my workshop. Besides, without it, this poor trojan will be helpless.” After a few more minutes of tinkering, she finally stepped back, very carefully and with the support of her mechadendrites, and the trojan began to stir back to life. First it was just the head, the eyes lighting up and the jaw opening wide as though it were breathing in new life; next came to the newly repaired front legs, which cautiously scratched at the ground before Lyra trusted the repair job enough to dig them into the concrete; and lastly, the trojan pushed herself up onto all four, nearly knocking over what remained of the building she had been lodged within. “My thanks to you...tech-pony. Once again...I may serve the Empress’ will...” Lyra spoke, her voice now resonating from the machination.
Not one to look a gift pony in the mouth, I stepped forward and put on my best ‘listen to me because I’m the Inquisitor’ face. “Trojan, your compassion and friendship are needed once more. Her Majesty’s Inquisition calls upon you to serve.” I had to lay on the formalities quite heavily despite my usual pragmatic nature but it helped stress the importance of my request, not to mention it adhered to one of the prime tenants of my mentor - always sound as though you know what you’re doing even when you’re clueless.
“Then my hooves...are yours to command...”
Now that I had a trojan at my disposal, taking on the Carousel complex suddenly looked like a possibility.
“So...on a scale of one to ten, how bad does it look?” Dash asked as she hovered incessantly overly my shoulder. As our tech-pony was now a cripple and tanks were the opposite of subtle, I had opted to have Pinkie Pie and Rarity on stand-by with the red hare a few blocks away in the event that we needed to make a hasty escape. And given what I saw through my binoculars, a hasty exit was as good an exit strategy as any other. The Carousel complex was a major residential spire, towering upwards at least twenty floors or more and likely extended downwards in the same direction. Part of me could understand why Fluttershy had chosen it as a sanctuary - there were enough floors, twisted corridors, and backrooms to lose an entire battalion in. I wasn’t entirely certain if such buildings were designed by a cross-eyed architecture or were some kind of ‘rat in a maze’ social experiment. Sergeant Gutterbug of the 171st Trottington Sentinels was credited with pacifying an entire horde of buffalork by simply leading them through the twisting corridors of a hundred-story spire before simply flying out of the upper floor windows to freedom. The buffalork eventually got so lost that they decided to just set up camp inside the spire and to this day they are said to still be roaming the halls, looking for an exit.
“I’d say about a six-point-five,” I answered after a second sweep with my binoculars. Dash and I had been spending the past few minutes scouting out the Carousel complex, primarily in the hopes that we would find something I could use as an excuse to bypass the area altogether. Dealing with a stronghold with Celestia knows how many Chaos mareines inside was an obstacle I’d rather solve with an orbital friendship laser. My plan was to sneak past the Chaos mareines with the aid of my magic, find Fluttershy, and then use Lyra as a distraction while we made our escape. However, instead of finding an excuse to leave, I only found proof that we were where we needed to be. “Scratch that...I see Spike,” I reported as I spotted my purple-scaled assistant skulking through the complex’s patio garden. “He’s...actually trying to sneak inside.”
“Past Chaos mareines? No way he’ll make it.”
Despite my normal level of confidence in Spike’s abilities, I had to admit that Dash was probably right. But unless I was prepared to charge across the open street and courtyard, past the dozen or so Chaos mareines wandering the streets, I had no way of telling Spike how crazy his plan was. I kept watching, if only out of morbid curiosity, as Spike dove into the shrubs to avoid a passing mareine guard. “He is so in over his head...” I muttered in dismay. But just as the mareine passed him, Spike suddenly leapt forth, tackling the mareine to the ground and shoving his lazepistol into the small unarmoured gap just beneath the mareine’s helmet.
“Did...he just...”
“Y-yeah. He...he did,” I managed to stammer in response. Spike didn’t just take down a Chaos mareine but he made it look easy. As I stared on in awe-struck silence, Spike continued his one-dragon assault on Carousel complex. A few seconds after he disappeared into the building, the echos of gunfire and exploding glue bombs rang forth.
“You didn’t mention Spike was some kind of commando dragon.”
“He isn’t...at least I’m pretty sure he isn’t. It must be some of his dragon instincts kicking in.”(8) Just then, a blast from the complex made the earth shake, accompanied by one of the window belching out a massive column of green flame. “M-maybe we should get moving and help him.” If there had been any hope of a silent approach, they had incinerated in a puff of smoke thanks to my gung-ho assistant. Dash and I raced back to street level where Lyra was trying her best to remain hidden, although I hadn’t the heart to tell her that she was still painfully visible behind the overturned truck she was using. Though I was reluctant to do so, a direct approach was the now only option at this point. I had always considered direct assaults to be the refuge of the tactically-challenged - the order sent forth when you cannot admit openly that you have exhausted your mental faculties. Though a lot of Inquisitors seemed to favour this approach, I prescribed to the school of thought that stressed the importance of not letting the opposition know when and where you were approaching from and giving them ample time to prepare a proper welcoming. “Lyra, I need you to keep the mareines distracted for us. Run up there and make as much of a mess as possible.”
“They shall feel...the Empress’ loving embrace!” the trojan acknowledged. The ground shook as the giant machination galloped down the streets towards the complex, it’s flank-mounted jokester cannon firing indiscriminately. For a brief moment, I almost felt bad for the Chaos mareines...almost.
While Lyra kept the mareines busy, Dash and I slipped into the complex undetected. Finding Spike wasn’t a difficult task as we were simply able to follow the trail of glued or unconscious ponies that lined the narrow halls. I had to admit, Spike definitely knew how to storm a building.
“Any idea where our Private Pansy is?” Dash asked as she helped herself to one of the Chaos mareine’s weapons.
“I might be able to track their life force. Keep me covered,” I answered. Using magic to track a known entity was a common tactic in the Inquisition although my spell was still quite limited in its range and power. I could focus on a life force so long as I had met them beforehand and was familiar with their particular bio-energy signature. It was like trying to recognize a voice in a crowd - the closer and more familiar I was with the target, the easier it would be to pick him out from the dozens of other interfering life forces. I focused my thoughts inward, listening to the magical energies of life that pulsed around me. Each one was like a beating heart and it was just a matter of finding the narrowing my focus onto the right one. Thanks to the limited number of interfering signals and the fact that a dragon’s life force was markedly different from a pony’s, it was extremely easy to pinpoint my assistant’s location. “Found him. Follow me!”
By some strange miracle, Spike was still on the ground floor. Perhaps Fluttershy had not been as successful in eluding her pursuers as I had originally hoped. Then again, she probably hadn’t expected her sanctuary to have already been commandeered by the very ponies she was fleeing from.
“He should be just through here,” I said as we approached a door at the far end of the corridor. For a brief moment, things were starting to look up and I was surprised at how easy this had become. But like every time I seemed to get my hopes up, the galaxy found a way to smack me back to the cold, hard earth of reality. The moment I had finished prying the door open, I was greeted with a double-power hoof to the face, knocking my senses off into the stratosphere. When I came to, I was being dragged through a peculiar pony-shaped hole in the wall with the sound of indecipherable chatter around me.
“Can you hear me?” a voice called out to me, though I was still far too dazed to discern the source.
“You’ll...never get the secrets...of Coltana from me...” I murmured in response. I’m not entirely certain what was going through my mind at that moment, aside from an indescribable amount of pain.
“Snap out of it Twilight!” a more familiar voice barked into my ear. It was Spike - there was no mistaking the sound or the smell. Slowly, the world came back into view and I saw Dash, Spike, and Fluttershy standing over me. “Come on, you have to wake up.”
“Wha...what happened?” I groaned.
“Private Pansy somehow mistook you for a Chaos mareine,” Dash explained. “Kicked ya straight across the room and then some.”
“I’m so very, very sorry Miss Inquisitor...” the private apologize profusely. “Spike told me to wear these things and...I, I guess I don’t know my own strength...” she explained as she lifted one of the power hooves for me to see. Since such equipment wasn’t standard issue for the Equestrian Guard, she had no doubt borrowed them from a Chaos pony, which would also explain why the words ‘face here’ was inscribed upon it with an arrow pointing towards the business end. The fact that she was normally as strong as a wet towel was probably the only reason I was able to get up so soon and still had all my teeth accounted for.(9) “Please don’t banish me to a Penal Legion.”
“Let’s just get out of here, okay?” I groaned, still rubbing the sore spot on the side of my head.
“That...might be a bit more difficult,” Spike interrupted as he directed our attention to a door on the far side of the room. More specifically, he was directing our attention at the trio of Chaos mareines that were now standing down range from us. As is her nature, Dash immediately sprang into action, flying towards the Chaos mareines with such blinding speed that she was able to crash-tackle one of them, carry her out the room and through several walls before the other mareines even realized there was a sudden draft in the room. That, unfortunately, still left us with two very angry ponies to contend with. We dove for what cover we could and I managed to find refuge behind a concrete pillar.
“Fluttershy,” I called out to the private taking cover behind an overturned table. “Spike and I will draw their fire - you fly up and take them out with the power hooves.” The hit to my head must have done more damage than I had initially thought if I had considered Fluttershy fighting to be a viable strategy. The guardpony had gone completely catatonic once the gunfire had started - she was now about as useful in a firefight as porcelain vase. I let out an exasperated sigh and decided that I needed to take matters into my own hooves. I had a pounding headache and the gunfire wasn’t making it any easier to cope with. With my magic, I tipped the paralyzed pony onto her side and slipped off the power hooves. Being a unicorn, going hoof-to-hoof against other ponies wasn’t my first choice for conflict resolution, or even in the top ten, but Chaos mareines had thick skulls and it took some forceful persuasion to calm them down. Once I had the bulky, hock-length boots on, I teleported myself right next to the Chaos mareines. “Hello ladies,” I quipped before giving the closest mareine both hooves. With an bone-shaking clang, the mareine was sent hurtling into the second and subsequently knocking both of them into the wall. Chances were, the most I did was annoy them but I had bought myself a few precious moments. “Pinkie Pie, bring the red hare in. We need to get out of here quickly,” I voxxed back to the awaiting priestess.
“Okie dokie lokie!” my vox box crackled in response.
“Good, now we just need to hold tight and wait for our ride out of-” my words were promptly interrupted when I noticed a rainbow-coloured blur out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t even have time to react before Rainbow Dash crashed into me. Our tangled mess bounced several times across the room before finally coming to a halt by crashing into Fluttershy.
“Ugh...incoming...” Dash groaned.
“Thanks for the heads up,” I murmured in response as I pulled myself out from under the pile of ponies. Marching back into the room was the third Chaos mareine, unarmed but still fully capable of kicking our hindquarters with her bare hooves. Spike tried holding the mareine off but she charged headlong through the barrage of jokester rounds and knocked my assistant to the ground.
“Ha! Foolish ponies. Where is your Empress now, hm?” the mareine boasted with a demented laugh.
At first, the situation looked rather grim but a flash of movement through the window beyond the mareine reassured me that the Empress always protected the faithful. “I’d say about...ten feet behind you,” I quipped just seconds before Lyra came crashing through the wall behind the mareine.
“Who wants a hug?” the trojan bellowed before seizing the mareine in her power jaw. The mareine shrieked and wailed in vain as the trojan proceeded to smash her repeatedly against the ground, the walls, the ceiling, and basically anything else solid, before finally pitching her across the room.
“Your timing is impeccable Lyra,” I thanked the trojan. “Come on, it’s time to leave.” A moment later, Pinkie Pie rolled up in the red hare and we loaded the still catatonic private into the back. We were almost in the clear when we heard something heavy bounding up the road and since Lyra was standing idle next to the tank, there were no prizes in guessing who had decided to show up and make our world miserable. All our fighting had given the Chaos mareines in the area the impression that a large scale attack was going on and arrived in force to block our escape. Standing alongside a half-dozen mareines was a towering trojan of their own,(10) a twisted machination of malice and spite, adorned from muzzle to dock with spikes and weapons. The Chaos trojan wasted no time in taking the fight to us, barreling head-long at Lyra ramming her straight through the side of the building. Given the huge disadvantage and the fact our only anti-armour weapon was now lodged half-way through a building, there was only one logical order to give, “Get us out of here Pinkie!”
Our best bet was to just drive as fast as possible past the Chaos trojan but as the tank accelerated, it opened its maw and belched forth a wall of orange mist in front of us. There was no possibility of stopping in time so Pinkie just plowed through the haze, which was nothing short of a complete disaster. The orange mist began to corrode the tank, rusting and eating away at every bit of metal on it. Within seconds, the once proud machine was a rusted heap, the treads screeching loudly as they turned until finally there came an unsettling bang from the engine and the entire vehicle seized up. “What do we do now?” Spike shouted as the passenger compartment was enveloped in smoke.
“This is horrible!” Rarity shouted. At first I thought she was just pointing out the painfully obvious but as she began to shriek in distress, I realized that it wasn’t the tank that was alarming her. For, just like the metal in the tank, Rarity’s mechanical limbs began to rust and corrode from the Chaos trojan’s weapon. “Not my beautiful legs! Anything but that!” she cried out. While everypony else in the tank was bailing out, Rarity was bawling her eyes out...well, the one that still had a tear duct.
“Come on Rarity, we need to move,” I said as I tugged on her tail.
“But...but...my leeeeegs! She ruined them! They used to be beautiful...now I’m a monster!” As the Chaos trojan began to approach our ruined tank, Rarity’s distress turned into rage that burned with a hatred so pure it was almost holy. “By the thousand pistons of the Golden Throne, you will pay for this insult! Twilight - throw me!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I said throw me! Quickly, before my circuit explode in seething fury!” As it appeared that Rarity was about to explode upon whoever was unfortunate enough to be standing close by, I decided to go with the plan and ensure that the trojan was the focus of her frustrations. I magically lifted the tech-pony and gave her a toss in the trojan’s direction. Even in a semi-rusted state, Rarity was able to latch onto the trojan’s head and her mechadendrites began scouring the machine even the slightest weaknesses in its armour. “Let’s see how tough you are when I start unbolting these,” she growled before detaching the trojan’s flank-mounted weapons. The trojan tried in vain to buck the tech-pony off but within seconds Rarity had control over the trojan’s motor functions. “Now let’s see...you can do without these. And this. Oh let’s not forget these...ahh, and these looks rather important. Opps, did I just disconnect your main coolant line? How clumsy of me! And do you mind if I borrow these differentials? I could certainly use them to repair my sentinels.” By the time the other Chaos mareines what was going and began firing on Rarity, almost half of the trojan now laid dismantled across the ground. With her rage sated and jokester rounds peppering the trojan, Rarity dove off from and hurried, quite noisily thanks to her rusted joints, to join Pinkie and the others.
I, however, held my ground before the trojan. Without our vehicle, the remaining Chaos mareines needed to be dealt with if we were to make any kind escape. The trojan howled and wailed in frustration, focusing its anger upon me as it attempted to seize me in its power jaw. But as I was still equipped with the power hooves, I knocked back its attempt with a swift blow to the chin. As its rage intensified, its attacks became more erratic and it swung wildly at me with its hooves. Between its unfocused anger and all the tampering done by Rarity, the trojan couldn’t have hit the road if it tripped and fell, let alone a tiny, fast-moving pony such as myself. As I dodged its clumsy attacks, I grabbed the largest piece of the trojan that had been dismantled, which just so happened to be what remained of its flank-mounted cannon. I stood still for a second to make myself an easier target and as I had hoped, the trojan reared up to stomp down with both hooves. The second it was at its peak, I swung the cannon right into its hocks, sending the machine crashing to the road.
Oddly enough, taking down the trojan was the easier task when compared to what I had to do next. As there were still several Chaos mareines wanting to be our new best friends, I needed to take care of them and quickly. Using every ounce of magic I had left, I hoisted the Chaos trojan and hurled it towards them. The tumbling mass of metal fell a bit short but the forward momentum carried it on as it bounced and skipped down the road until it bowled the Chaos mareines over, incapacitating all our pursuers.(11)
“Glad that’s over with,” I said with a tired sigh of relief.
“Lesson number thirty-two?” Spike remarked as he arrived at my side.
“Of course.”
“Care for some tea?” he asked as he whipped out his thermos.
“Tea would be divine.”
Footnotes:
1) Words that carry more weight given that Regal Horn was said to be incapable of telling a lie.
2) Let’s just say it involves a hot shower, an electric trimmer, and a large amount of rubbing alcohol.
3) Unicorns are trained from a young age to resist the Chaotic energies of the warp, while teleportation devices and star ships use special shielding for protection during warp travel. For more information, I recommend consulting Smart Cookies’ A Foals Guide to the Warp
4) Destructive magics are considered inherently evil and were outlawed in the Edicts of Unicornia of M30.151. Not that Inquisitors haven’t been known to ignore the rules in order to fulfill their missions.
5) These mechanical guardians are rarely seen in public. If you do see one, however, I suggest taking cover. They aren’t known for being able to discern friend from foe.
6) As well as broken toasters, unruly students, flickering holo-projectors, and stuck pickle jar lids.
7) Unlike the all-robotic sentinels, trojans are actually piloted vehicles. Sealed within the body is an honoured space mareine hero, whose body has become too injured or worn out to serve the Empress in a normal fashion.
8) Those instincts also include the recipe for a mean sapphire and ruby casserole.
9) A double-blessing, actually, as most Chaos power hooves lack the inhibitors used in Equestrian-made power hooves that keeps the force of impact below dangerous levels.
10) Unlike space mareine trojans, Chaos mareines are sealed within a trojan against their will, intensifying their hate and anger at their eternal fate.
11) Trojans suffer a crippling ‘tortoise’ problem. That is, when a trojan is knocked onto its backside, it’s almost impossible for it to right itself.