A little more than a week had passed for Bob, he mostly spent all day lying around in his room, seeing as Chrysalis was gone, Azolf had stolen his bed most of the days, so he spent time with Celestia and Luna, who were both actually helping each other out with petitioners during daycourt. In between petitioners, Bob would rub under Luna’s wings, which apparently felt really good to ponies with wings, and Celestia occasionally pestered Bob to be spoiled as well.
Of course, the Princess did flinch upon first contact every time, but she relaxed soon after the human’s hands got to work.
Right now, however, Twilight had just gotten back from the Crystal Empire and had stopped in Canterlot to pick up the human and spend a day with her Mom and dad.
Which led the human to where he was at this exact moment.
Bob was sitting on his ass, while Twilight kept punching him in the arm. Laying next to him was a modified hockey mask, thanks to Princess Celestia, that he had used to scare the ever living daylights out of Twilight. Spike was sitting on the bed, glaring at Bob. “I cannot BELIEVE you, Bob!” The unicorn sighed. “I get home from fighting a dangerous, ancient king and save an entire empire, and this is my welcome home party?”
“Hey now, that was Shining Armor’s idea,” Bob laughed while wiping a tear from his eye. “You can ask Celestia; he sent me a letter to prank you, so I got some help from Sunshine,” Bob chuckled. On the ground was a machete covered in rust, making it look like it was covered in dried blood… From Celestia.
The Princess had a matching, red mark on her belly that looked like a stab wound… made to look more realistic with an illusion spell.
The Princess herself was sitting behind Bob, holding a hoof to her mouth while giggling. A camera was hidden behind her back, having just captured the moment perfectly.
“Bob is telling the truth, my faithful student.” Celestia giggled some more. “Okay, we’re both lying; in celebration of your victory, and mine and Bob’s newfound friendship, we decided to prank you and Spike with a costume of somepony named ‘Jason Voorhees’. I say we both did a pretty swell job.”
“Celestia! We were supposed to blame Shining Armor together!”
“I know, I know, but I couldn’t keep lying to Twilight!” Celestia hugged Bob from the side while the two giggled like school fillies.
“Wait a second,” Twilight paused. “When did you two suddenly become the best of friends?” Twilight asked.
“A couple days ago. Chrysalis, in all her flaws, did get me thinking about some things. One thing led to another, then me and Luna snuggled up under Celestia’s wings and had a nice, long nap. We’re still working out a few kinks-“
“That’s weird, Bob. We’re not even dating.”
“Jesus fucking christ…” Bib whispered. “Okay, that got me, Tia.” The human snickered. Twilight was watching them both with wide eyes. “Yeah, Twi, Tia was feeling a little lonely so we became friends.”
“With benefits,” Celestia bobbed her eyebrows a couple of times while giving the unicorn a shit eating grin.
“What the buck did she say?” Twilight asked. “What benefits?”
“Well, when your friend is feeling a little down, you sleep in their bed,” Bob started.
“And they do what most ponies do when they want children. It takes a load off the mind and is rather relaxing. It’s like dating, but without dating.” Celestia added.
Spike and Twilight were officially broken. If you were a being of a higher power, you could see loading bars in their eyes as they processed what was just said. For Twilight, her second mother just admitted to sleeping with her adoptive brother. For Spike, his first mother just admitted to sleeping with his cousin. Celestia was now laughing like a maniac while Bob snorted to try and keep himself from doing the same. What they both had done, together, to the poor unicorn and drake was priceless.
“I think we went a little too far,” Bob said with a chuckle.
“Well, this was part of the prank, my little human…” Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Twilight, what is the square root of negative twelve?”
That fixed the unicorn in a heartbeat. “There can’t be a square root for a negative number, as a negative number isn’t a real number…” Twilight shook her head. “So you two are dating?”
“Fuck no!”
“That is a child!” Bob and Celestia said at the same time.
“We apparently just mesh together pretty well,” Bob shrugged. “Because Tia immediately picked up on what I was trying to do, which was break your brain.”
Twilight shook her head while grinning. Soon, a large smile replaced that grin. “This is great! Now I can have my mentor and my best friend without starting anything!”
“You could’ve kept Celestia as a mentor while being my friend, Twilight. I wouldn’t have minded; it was kinda silly to see everyone hound Celestia for me, just looking back on it.”
“I did accuse you of a very serious crime, Bob. I say it was somewhat fair.”
“It wasn't fair for how long you were getting shit for it, though. Eh, that’s all in the past, now we’re best buds.” Bob patted Celestia’s back. “So Twilight, how was saving the world?”
“It was scary.” Twilight admitted. “But with my friends, I knew I could pull through any obstacles thrown my way!” Bob didn’t comment on how cheesy that was, but instead gave his adoptive, older sister a celebratory full body massage to commemorate her coming home in one piece. By the time he was done, Twilight was sleeping in his lap, Princess Celestia had long since gone off to take care of her princess-y duties such as the day court, and Spike was just side-eyeing the human. “Hey Spike, you want a massage too? I got an extra room in my lap, and I know some drake played a huge role in saving the day!”
Spike couldn’t stay mad for too much longer; curse those human hands are hard to argue against.
A few weeks later, Bob was reading two sets of letters. Well, three, but that third one was from Chrysalis. Luna and Bob were still pen pals and happily wrote to each other everyday, with Celestia adding on her own little bit to the end of each letter until Bob suggested that she should send messages to him as well. Now Bob, Luna, and Celestia could communicate almost instantly thanks to Spike, but still only wrote to each other once a week in order to not annoy the drake. And now, Luna doesn’t need to wait for the Royal Post Office to make sure she isn’t letting any state secrets out, all thanks to a certain, tall, white alicorn with a rainbow mane.
Dear Bob,
I will have you know that Luna just asked if we could have a spa day, and that she knew of a good spa in Ponyville. Oh, this is so wonderful! I’ve not had a day off in nearly one thousand, two hundred years. And I’ll be spending it with my little sister! Things have never felt better before in my life! We will be arriving in Ponyville sometime next week, and taking you, Twilight, and Spike up to Canterlot for that little concert you and Luna will be performing with Ms. Melody. I can’t wait for that, either. After hearing Luna sing to me a few times, once with you, and another few times in private during breakfast or dinner, I can say that her voice is lovely.
I also have found a way to keep Chrysalis and her Hive fed, using liquid love. Of course, it feels weird, and tastes a little artificial to the changelings, but it works. On top of that, in exchange for aid in any building project, or various other services that her Hive can offer, I am sending her main hive a fair amount of produce so that it may be distributed throughout the rest of her kingdom.
Also, whenever Queen Chrysalis stops by to discuss anything regarding politics, Luna keeps checking her out. Oh it feels good to act as a big sister; teasing your little sister over her crush is so much fun! And when I spoke to Chrysalis about it, she knew about the crush. Oh, what I would give if I could set them up on a date. For one, it would help politically, two, both of them seem to be beating around the bush when it comes to actually trying to ask each other out, or flirt.
With all of that said, my letter is getting a little long, and is starting to reach the length of a report. This is the shortened version of what I was going to send you, by the way, so be lucky!
See you next week,
Princess Celestia.
Bob chuckled. “Of course Celestia knows about Luna’s crush,” he mused as he swapped to the next letter that had Luna’s seal.
Dear Bob,
I am certain that you have read my sister’s letter first, if not, read it first for context. I do, in fact, have feelings for Queen Chrysalis, and I hate how good my sister is at reading body language even if I can read her just as easily as she can read me. Because now she will not stop teasing me about it. She told me Chrysalis knows, bucking dammit! I know I have had many lovers in the past, but those were walks in the park! Mostly because most ponies find me attractive as is, and before I was demonized, being a Princess made it easier to ask anypony out.
However, this is Queen Chrysalis we are talking about. Not just a Princess, no, a full blown monarch, so I doubt she’ll immediately say yes to a date.
I am scared of asking, Bob. Chrysalis… oh she is so beautiful, those legs are… Sorry, I was letting my thoughts get a little unhinged. You are lucky that ponies have invented white-out or that would probably either make you blush, or give you material for me to smack you upside the head when you tease me about this.
Anyways, Tia is… actually acting like she did before a ten dozen assassins, from every country which would then make for thousands. Back to Celestia, she’s acting like a big sister and is trying to set things up just in case I give up on ruling for our future as a band. I want you to know that I am a Princess first, and a stage performer second. I also wanted her to understand that. I love ruling, it just becomes a drag when everypony calls you by what you once were, or makes you out to be the bad mare.
Though taking a month off every now and then to go on tour with you, throughout Equestria and singing songs does sound nice. We can even bring Celestia along and give her a vacation now that Cadance is more than capable of taking over for a month… And Twilight does have some knowledge in running the kingdom due to her tutelage under my sister’s wing. Perhaps we can use it as a test to pressure your sister into ruling the kingdom better, even if I think she’ll do a good job.
Speaking of which, can you ask Queen Chrysalis if she would be willing to join the four of us for a spa. Yes, us four, I am dragging you to that spa trip even if I have to drag you by your toes.
Your best friend, Luna.
P.S I expect a belly rub when I come to pick you up. I’ll let you use me as a pillow after the trip!
Bob stared at the letter while barely holding in a chuckle. Azolf ws saying in his old dog bed, because he still preferred it over an actual bed, holding Queen Chrysalis’s letter in his mouth. The changeling hopped out of his bed and brought the letter over. “Sir, don’t burst out laughing, I can sense just how humorous you find the Princesses’ letters.
“Hey now, Luna’s asking me to help set her up with a date for your mother, dude.” Azolf stopped and blinked a couple of times.
“How would a sixteen year old child know about dating advice?”
“I saw a girl back in highschool and wanted to ask her out. Somehow I scored my friend a date with that girl and not me. So I’m a good wingman, apparently.” The changeling sighed before handing his Mom’s letter to the human. While Bob read it, his eyes widened. “Chrysalis wants to meet me next week?” The changeling nodded. “And she will be arriving at the same time Celestia and Luna show up?” The changeling nodded again. “Stop just nodding, it’s cute.” The changeling nodded again with a shit eating grin. “That’s it, c’mere!” Bob tackled the changeling onto the dog bed just as Twilight and Spike got back home from spending the day with their friends.
“Bob, what the buck are you and your changeling doing?” Twilight asked.
“Azolf decided to do something,” the changeling nodded. “God dammit, bud. You were just speaking a moment ago.” Azolf’s horn lit up and a whiteboard was carried over to the changeling. He proceeded to write something on it and spun it around.
I CANNOT SPEAK, THERE IS A LUMP IN MY THROAT.
“...Twilight, he spoke at the meeting, right?”
“He did.”
“Yeah, it was kinda weird. There was a slight buzzy undertone to it.
THAT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A LUMP IN MY THROAT.
Bob sighed. “God dammit, Azolf. I’m glad I get to see way more of your personality, but if you don’t… stop being cute, I will make you suffer a thousand years of tickles.”
“Uh… we don’t need to go there, Bob,” Azolf put the whiteboard down. “I can go without being tickled. Snuggles and chin scratches are nice, but please don’t tickle me.”
Twilight shook her head while smirking. “Okay, as much as I want to hold a grudge against you, Azolf, for not telling us what was happening at Canterlot before we went in, you make it really hard.”
“I did try to warn Bob, but then he went on the train anyway.” Azolf glared at the human. “And could’ve gotten himself killed for doing what he did at the practice wedding.”
“Hey, everything worked out.” Bob shrugged. “So, what do you guys wanna do? I kinda… recorded all the instrumentals I wanna use on the drum machine, at least all the ones that I’d struggle with playing on the spot, and I don’t have anything to do until Tia and Luna visit next week.”
“We can play fetch,” Azolf said. That got a few weird looks from Twilight and Spike. “What? It was fun!” The changeling coughed. “Well, the Queen wanted to give you a tour, Bob. We can grab the rest of your friends, and I can take you to the nearest Hive to Ponyville.”
“That sounds fun, but I’m thinking of something that doesn’t involve leaving Ponyville for the time being. Somethin’ small like a picnic, a walk in Whitetail Woods, anything really. Hell, we could go to dinner with our friends and I’ll pay for it.” Bob shrugged. “I kinda miss having to work for somebody everyday,” he admitted. “I’m not used to having free time because of school, and I can only do so much music-wise…”
“The Queen could stop by, or have somebuggy stop by and give you singing and musical lessons. That would eat some time up, and help you improve in your craft.”
Bob shrugged. “Sounds good, but I’m already pushing it by asking Twilight to let you stay with us. She isn’t exactly a fan of Chryssy for obvious reasons.”
Twilight nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want that old hag in my library if I can help it. I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all, but she mind controlled my brother, foalnapped my old foalsitter, and tried to take over Equestria! I wouldn't mind if she stopped by to teach you something, Bob, but she’s not doing it inside this tree.”
“Fair enough. Not everyone gets along with each other, after all.” Bob shrugged. “Any clue as to what we can do, by the way? I know you and Spike were just hanging out with some of your friends, but going to a restaurant sounds really nice. Again, your call; I dunno what the fuck Ponyville has to offer for entertainment since I never really wanted to leave the library when I first got here.”
“Well, dinner does sound nice…” Twilight had this look, like she had an idea. “Maybe you can share some food from your home? It would have to be purely vegetarian, and we can eat here in the library so it would be cheaper. Spike and I can help out too!” The unicorn clapped her hooves.
“I… dunno how well that would go, Twi.”
“But you’re good at baking…”
“Yeah, baking, Twilight. I know a few recipes we can try out, but I can’t guarantee they’ll come out perfectly for a few reasons. Such as me not remembering the recipe completely; baking’s easy because a lot of baked treats use the same ingredients with a thing or two added. secondly, I’m only really good at baking culinary-wise.”
“But it’ll be fun!” Twilight singsonged.
“I agree with you on that, let’s head down to the market and get some of the ingredients,” Bob walked into a nearby storage room and walked out with a bag of bits. “I’ll be paying.”
“But Bob! You’ll need that money in the future. I can pay-“
“Twi, you live off a stipend check that Celestia sends out to you every month. I have absolutely nothing to spend money on, and I’ve still got thousands of bits from just winning a bet. I’ve got even more from the concert, and if I’m not mistaken, I can buy two houses and live comfortably for a year. And yet I’m here, living off of your dime, rent free. At least lemme pay for something around here.”
“But I’m your friend! I let you live here because you’re my friend and my little brother!”
“I know,” Bob patted the unicorn on the head. “And I want to pay you back somehow, even if you don’t want me to.” The human rustled Twilight’s mane a bit. “I love ya to bits, and I can’t imagine how much time goes into setting up a monthly budget, especially when it’s you setting that budget up around a hundred bits.”
“… I might spend a few hours on just drafting a budget, and another few making a new draft and then another hour making the finalized budget every month.”
“So what if you didn’t have to worry about a budget? I could literally give you all of my bits; Chrysalis told me she’d have a house built for me, for free, if I asked her. Luna would probably be the same, and Tia might if I asked her really nicely. And with the concert popping up…” Bob shrugged. “I’d be rolling in more money than I’d know what to do with. And while it’s nice, I don’t have bills to pay besides taxes.”
“But… it’s your money. You earned it.”
“And I say you earned my money, because you’ve been trying to be nice to me, and have been genuinely nice to me since the day I became your problem. You’re my best friend, probably the best older sister I could ask for, and I love you.” Bob sighed. “You aren’t taking my bits even if I begged you to?” Twilight nodded. “Well, we’ll argue this at a later date, we still have a dinner for ten people to make.” Twilight nodded again before the group set off for the marketplace. Azolf kept trying to hide himself behind either Bob or Twilight, since changelings were allowed to roam the towns and cities of Equestria… if they weren’t in disguise. So Ponyville had fourteen or so ponies come out as changelings, as they were required to by law, and… There were mixed reactions.
Mostly positive, but a lot of ponies had to be assured that the changelings were still who they knew them as.
For instance, a couple of ponies who were dating, one of whom was a changeling, almost broke up only for them to stay together. The changeling managed to show that they did genuinely love their pony partner through grooming, one of the ultimate forms of affection for ponies; it feels good and not many would waste time doing it on somepony they weren’t very close with.
Another changeling got casted out by their special somepony, and that special somepony’s family chased the poor bug out of town despite how much the changeling meant to them before being outed.
That changeling ran into the Everfree Forest and nopony heard from them since…
After a quick runthrough of the ingredients needed, Bob split the bits between himself and Twilight, and they split off were their chosen helpers, Azolf and Spike respectively, and met back up at the library.
“Why did you want tomato sauce, a bunch of peppers, and three different kinds of cheese?”
“Because I know of a human dish that’s tasty, that can feed twenty people pretty easily if we make enough of it, and is easy to make. It’ll also only require assembling and baking it after I make the dough which should only take about thirty minutes,” Bob lifted his bag which was filled with the ingredients for dough and various spices. “And is really hard to fuck up, especially since I know an oven better than I know a stove.”
“But why peppers and three different types of cheese? What is wrong with you?”
“Different cheeses have different characteristics. That asiago cheese is to make the blend nice and stringing after it’s blended in with cheddar for flavor, and the parmesan just goes well on a pizza.”
“...I thought you were making something from your home, not something ponies already have in Canterlot.”
“Those are just pieces of bread with some cheese and toppings. No sauce, nothing else. That is a disgrace to New York City, and as a New Yorker, I refuse to call that shit ‘pizza’.” Bob walked into the kitchen. “This country ain’t ready to see what New York Pizza is like!” The sound of two teleportation spells made the human yelp. Celestia and Luna strolled out of the kitchen.
“I heard that Bob is baking something,” Celestia said.
“As did I,” Luna said.
“...You two are spying on Bob?”
“Luna was,” Celestia pointed out. “She told me what Bob was doing, and I wanted to see what it was all about. It seems like Bob expected this, for some odd reason.”
“That’s because Luna likes whatever the hell I put in an oven, and I know she also likes watching me from time to time,” the human yelled from the kitchen as the sound of a whisk clacking the sides of a bowl could be heard. “So I bought extra ingredients.”
Everyone in the room slowly turned to the Moon Princess.
“What? I usually have nothing better to do at this time of the day.”
“No, you wanna see when I’m alone so you can snag a quick ear scratch,” Bob yelled.
“DAMMIT BOB, YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!” Luna huffed as the sound of Bob laughing could be heard from the kitchen.
“I’ll go tell everypony that Bob wanted to host dinner at the library,” Twilight said before backing out to do just that.
By the time everypony arrived, the human had two pizzas out of the oven. They were huge, larger than a pizza any of the ponies had seen before, with Luna having never seen a pizza before(pizza wasn’t a thing until four hundred years into her banishment). Bob set the two pizzas down, both were about thirty inches, or seventy six centimeters, because ponies hate freedom(a joke that the human used before, which only got confused head tilts in response). “Now, these are usually only twenty or so inches, or fifty centimeters in size, but I also know that I have two alicorns present, and Luna is a vacuum with a blackhole for a stomach. So about two slices,” Bob used a knife to evenly cut up each pizza. “Should fill everypony up before Luna inhales one of the pies. If she does, I’ve got another pie in the oven.”
“I will not inhale an entire pizza, this thing is larger than my sister’s butt.” That elicited a ‘Hey!’ from the older alicorn. That got everypony to relax around the princesses a bit more, and soon everyone had grabbed a slice. Azolf was nibbling on his slice… only to wolf it down after the first couple nibbles.
“This is a little messy for my liking,” Rarity said, having just taken a bite. She took another. “If I ever have more, I would certainly prefer a knife and fork.”
“That is sinful, Rarity,” Bob shrugged and swallowed his bite. “Taste good, though? It’s been… holy shit.” Bob
“What, Bob?” Twilight asked.
“I haven’t spoken to Dad or my brothers in two years…” the human sighed. “Fuck dude… I’m gonna be in Equestria when I’m old enough to legally drink in my country,” he leaned back on instinct. “I’m gonna be here when I’m old and gray too.” Bob sighed. “And I dunno if I can go back or not. I dunno if I wanna go back or not. I miss my family, but then I’ll miss everyone here even if I am generally treated better back at home.”
“And… My magic theory scientists haven’t found anything to send you home.” Celestia pointed out. Her ears flattened. “I do want to at least give you the option to send you home.”
“...There is the Mirror, sister.”
“The Crystal Mirror that we just sent off to the Crystal Empire?” Celestia asked. “I’ve only been there temporarily, and while Bob does look like inhabitants, he is a lot less colorful.”
“...The hell are you guys talking about?”
“We know of a way to transport you to a world similar to your old world,” Luna said.
“...And get none of the benefits of being home. Yeah, no, fuck that. I could use it to get some nice things like a deep fryer, but I ain’t moving to another dimension and leaving two families behind, Luna. You may not believe me, or you will, but you’re like a sister to me, Luna. And Twilight’s family already adopted me.” Bob shrugged. “Moving onto less heavy topics such as my possible, underlying mental health issues and homesickness, how’s the food?”
“Bob, we’re talking about this when we’re alone,” Twilight said sternly. “But this pizza… is so different from Manehattan pizza, which is the most popular type of pizza on Equestria.”
“It’s the correct style of pizza, Twilight,” Bob said like it was law. “Nobody makes pizzas like New Yorkers do,” he said with a hint of pride. “Well, New Yorkers would yell at each other over who makes it the best, but we all agree that our city’s style of pizza’s the best.”
“It’s pretty good. I wonder how apples would go on this stuff,” Apple Jack hummed. The human rubbed his chin for a moment, like he was genuinely considering it.
Luna had given her answer by happily eating half of the pizza nopony touched yet. Overall, the reception was good, and Bob had to give the recipe to Apple Jack.
Celestia still hadn’t touched her slice yet. She hesitated for a moment before her gaze caught Bob’s. The Princess took a deep breath before staring down at the slice with courage. She grabbed a hold of the slice with her magic, and slowly took a bite before. She slowly chewed it before swallowing. The Princess’s eyes widened before she quickly started enjoying four slices of the pizza Luna had already eaten half of.
A week later, Apple Jack had Bob pinned to the ground for saying that apples did not belong on pizza after trying her attempt at baking a pizza. Bob was yelled at for four hours for not liking apples on pizza. The yelling turned into eight hours after Bob said cooked fruit was a terrible idea.
Bob found himself smiling slightly at that. Baby steps, but at least the Sun Princess actually ate something he made even if she was somewhat hesitant at first.
Pinkie Pie made her own pizza and covered it in what looked like Jolly Ranchers… Bob didn’t comment on it, or how Pinkie ate the whole thing in one bite without getting diabetes.