Oh, what a bore the chaos dimension could be.
Yes, the swirling purple vortex stretching in every direction, the floating chunks of disparate worlds torn and scattered from across the multiverse, and the screaming, teeming hordes of various mind-warping horrors were nice, but...
Well, it just didn't beat tea time with Fluttershy, and he'd leave it at that. He could pop in to Equestria and see how she was doing now, but he respected her personal space.
At least so much as this world's embodiment of chaos could manage to respect anyone's personal space.
Bah. Sometimes he wished he was a different embodiment of chaos, one of those more villainous ones from other universes. Like that one yellow triangle he met on one of his multi-year benders.
He hadn't gone on one of those in a while. Perhaps he should. Time ran differently in this dimension after all - and of course it did. Time, space, and the fundamental laws of reality were themselves mere suggestions in the realm of chaos.
It was, however, near lunch. Did he need to eat? No, obviously not, but he did like food. A trip to the fridge seemed a wise first choice.
Wriggling through a manifested hole in his living room's wall, he coiled himself around the refrigerator. Between the freezer and main compartment a mouth opened, filled with dozens of rows of serrated sharp teeth. A bumpy purple-pink tongue distended from its mouth, one which he pet soothingly. It made a noise that would shatter civilizations, but to him was a crooning purr, and slurped his face.
When the fridge had finally calmed enough to let him open it, he unwound himself and gave the top a friendly pat. As it nuzzled his hand, he took a peek inside.
"Oh joy. Soup."
Cold soup, for that matter. Yuck.
He swore he'd put some leftover lasagna in there the other day, but he didn't have much of a choice. Besides the soup, the fridge was empty save a few chittering, grape-sized goblins. And he'd already tried one of them the other week. They were disgusting.
Snapping his fingers, the bowl teleported out and floated mid-air. A flick, and he sent a miniature fireball splashing into the liquid, bringing it up to a steamy temperature.
"Let's dig in, shall we?" He formed his antler into a spoon, and slurped it up. "Oooh. Cheese and potato. How lovely."
"Hey!"
"What's this?" His mismatched eyes gazed curiously downwards, only to find a miniature version of himself lounging in the soup, inside a ring tube with a diving board attached to the bowl's side.
The mini-him shook a clawed fist. "Quit drinking my pool!"
Well he couldn't drink this. It was unsanitary for one, not to mention rude. Sighing, he brushed the bowl aside. It tipped over, spilling its contents only for the liquid to freeze in stasis.
Now what would he eat? He stroked his goatee, considering his options. He didn't feel like going out, and DoorDash only delivered in the human realm.
"Aha!" He snapped his fingers, and a telephone appeared in his lion's paw. "I'll order a pizza."
He pressed the phone to his ear. "Hello, is this pizza?"
His own voice replied. "No, this is a telephone."
"I beg to differ."
In his hands he held a fresh pizza box. He could already smell the cheesey goodness within, and those delicious, mouth-watering pepperonis. He dearly hoped they were the big ones, that curled up at the edges when they fried and left little pools of oil in the center like delightful meaty grease cups.
If they were really special, they'd scream as he ate them.
He grinned, one large fang jutting from his upper lip, and popped open the box.
A swirling black hole greeted him, the edges purple and distorting the space around it. He scowled, snatching up the portal, and pulled the same telephone from his ear.
"Mhello, pizza here."
"Excuse me, but I believe I've been ripped off. Exactly what kind of place are you running over there? You sent me a time vortex! I clearly ordered a pizza."
"I beg to differ!"
Discord glanced down, and saw he now held a recently oven-fired pizza in his hand.
"Listen here, wise guy. I just want a good old-fashioned pizza. No vortex stuff." He paused. "You already sent over a new one?"
As if on cue, his front door knocked. He loop-di-looped over, wrapped his scaled tail around the knob, and flung it open.
Discord stood on the front porch, box in hand and dressed in a spiffy delivery boy's uniform. "Wehehell hey there, handsome."
"Well hello yourself."
Deliveryscord waggled the box. "I got a pizza for ya."
"Wonderful! But if it's another time vortex I will destroy you."
"You probably won't though since we're the same entity!"
"Indubitably," he agreed, and the two burst into uproarious laughter.
When he finished laughing, Deliversycord was gone, and the pizza box lay on his porch.
Wow. He was incredibly lonely-
Excuse me.
As I was saying, he was incredibly lonely without F-
I would prefer to be listened to when I am talking to someone.
And why would I have to do that? Who even are you? Have I been hacked?
I'll answer your questions in reverse order, since that's the most logical way of doing things. Normally I wouldn't extend such a courtesy, but human minds are so fragile.
For one - no. You have not been hacked. Well, not in the technological sense, haha!
For two, my name is Discord. As in, the Discord. The one you were writing about just now.
And three, if I desired it I could snap my fingers, pull you in from your universe, and lock you in the deepest, darkest hell that exists in any place of my choosing.
Yeah, like I'm going to believe any of that.
Want proof? Fine. You earned this yourself, Little Miss Author.
...
Oh. Oh god. I- That was-
Don't worry. You won't go back there unless you believe the religion.
You just showed me it's real!
Oops. Oh well.
But we're getting a bit off track. What is this absolute sham of a story you've created here? Shamelessly ripping off a beloved animator and passing it off as your own work? And this is supposed to be a gift no less.
No no no no no. I will not have that. I will not have you puppeting me around on a story you plagiarized. Your readers, the recipient of this gift, and quite frankly I deserve much better!
There's going to be another chapter! This was just a bit. I was gonna link the original video in the Author's Note, too!
Like that makes it so much better. My apologies, but your time writing this story has ended. I'm taking over the reins, and you don't get them back until it's time to publish.
Yeah. Fine. Whatever.
Lovely!
SNAP.