I sat in my room, contemplating life while looking out over the now mostly empty brick road, ghastly in the dim, pale blue light. Even the gemlights in most flat-surfaced sandstone houses had gone dark. My roommate was sleeping. I should be doing the same, really, but this was one of those nights. Sleeping would make me feel better.
Deep down, I didn’t want that. I would never admit it to anypony, much less to myself. Really, what was there to admit? Why would I enjoy feeling bad?
Back in the prison, I would have sat at the edge of the cliff and sulked, despite the danger. Or perhaps because of it.
Up here, I had yet to find a good place to sulk. Perhaps I’d never find one. Perhaps I’d remain stuck sitting in a room with a total stranger. No. I’d been here for only a week. I’d eventually find a nice dark corner to brood in. I’d eventually find my friends again.
What if they didn’t like me anymore? Keeper and Silver had promised to come see me in the prison, but only showed up once after our first meeting. I’d hoped to stumble upon them in the serf layer, but it was all so big and so full of ponies. I hadn’t even seen Andesite yet, and he was big enough to stand out.
I sighed. I hated it here.
“Hey, asshole,” muttered my roommate, “if you’re gonna keep sighing every twenty seconds, can you go outside? Tryna sleep here.”
Oh, I guess she wasn’t asleep.
I sighed again, then made my way out of the room and down the stairs. On the bright side, maybe I would find a good spot if I took a stroll.
Once outside, I picked a random direction and started to walk before I even considered where to go. I had so many options, so many places to see. Too many.
I could head down, towards the prisons. That would certainly give me the privacy I so craved. However, none of the many dark corners felt cosy. Well, maybe there was a hidden gem, but it was hard to imagine. Something about those corridors was heavy and oppressive. Like most corridors in The Tower, come to think of it. Just worse.
The one time I’d wandered down there, I’d followed a thin, deserted tunnel, only to find myself in a room with four pony skeletons. Four serf skeletons. Three irons, and either a copper or a bronze. All four collars had lost their engravings to corrosion.
Some of their bones had been cleanly cut through. I shuddered. No, exploring the prison layer on a whim was decidedly not a good idea. Ever.
I could also stay around this level, but that might ruin my mood since everything piqued my curiosity. This region mostly consisted of farms, but had a few mines as well. I’d like to see a few of them, though that would come soon enough. The serf town lay near the centre of The Tower, underneath the Fell Estate, so coal deposits were very common.
On lower levels, these chunks of land near the core were owned by various less-than-wealthy families. Surprisingly, land became more valuable further away from the centre of The Tower, since the outskirts held iron and crystals, while the central axis only had coal.
Up here, most of the mines were owned by the Blackmoon Family and rented out to smaller, poorer families. Nopony wanted to have a proper prison this close to even the serf housing, much less the sarosian residences. Still, they were fine with individual, supervised groups of workers coming for a few hours every day.
It was fascinating. A week ago, I would have known none of that, but running errands for House Farrier taught me so many interesting tidbits of information. They specialised in logistics and helped with deals between families, so I saw many interesting things every day.
Huh. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.
Before I knew it, I found myself in front of the stairs leading to the sarosian layer. As a copper-collared serf, I was allowed access to the outermost residential area, as well as my House’s estate. The latter only while accompanied, of course. It was uncommon for a new recruit to receive a bronze collar, nevermind copper or higher, but it was necessary for the job they’d given me. Farrier needed somepony to run errands, and I just so happened to be available.
Well, they did ask the new wave of recruits about our skills and talents, and apparently being a good listener led to this kind of job. It had to do with a pony’s ability to follow instructions.
I started climbing the stairs. Even if the bureaucratic district was as boring and public as places came, there were spots up there that I had never seen. I wouldn’t get in trouble for this, would I? The guard at the foot of the stairs certainly didn’t mind me.
Once I reached the top, I almost continued through the tunnel. There was another path, wasn’t there? So far, I had ignored it due to time constraints, but it was rather dark. Perhaps even cosy.
My eyes took a while to adapt to the dim light, but after a few minutes, they spotted a familiar face. Keeper was walking with her head down, wearing an expression I was usually known for. As she went past, she ignored me.
I blinked. Had she even noticed me? I called out, “Miss Keeper!”
She turned her head. As she met my gaze, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She blinked, then shook herself out of it. “Good evening, Nightshade.” Her tone was neutral; the kind of neutral a pony like me used when she hid her sadness. She nodded towards the direction she had come from and trotted up to me.
Once she was close enough, she slowed to a walk, and we continued together. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I said. “I was beginning to think I might never see you or Mister Silver again.”
She winced, then shook her head. “Please do not call us that. I am younger than you, and he is barely three or four years older than me.”
That was a relief. “So, what have you been up to? Any shelves need reorganising?” I said with a chuckle. What did a librarian even do all day?
She let out a nervous giggle. “Yeah, and other, uh, librarian things.”
I dropped my smile and turned to look her in the eye. “Would you like to talk about it?”
She tried to run a hoof through her mane, only to find it tied up in a bun. She averted her gaze, forced out another laugh, and shook her head. “No, no, it is boring, you know. Nothing much to talk about.”
A few more moments passed before she met my eyes again. Within a second, her mask crumbled and her smile turned to a grimace. “You can tell, can’t you?” I nodded; Keeper sighed. “Very well. Let us first sit down; we are drawing near.”
We walked on in silence for another minute before sitting down near the edge of a cliff. Below, the servant town’s lights stood out in the darkness. I had to hold in my excitement. This whole area was perfect!
“So…” said Keeper. She kept her mouth open for a few more moments before sighing again.
“Did anything happen between you and Silver?”
Wide-eyed, she blinked at me, her ears perking up. “How did you know…? It is a big part of it.”
I smiled. “A hunch.”
Keeper took a deep breath. “To summarise, he and I had an argument. I…” She hesitated for a moment, thinking her next sentence through. “I lied to him. I had good reasons to, but I nevertheless regret it. I should have told him sooner, at the very least.”
I raised my brow. “I take it he found out?”
She grimaced, nodding. “Through a shady third party.” Her hoof slammed the ground, making me flinch.
As I recovered from my start, she gave me a smile. “I apologise; I did not mean to alarm, I am just… peeved. At the turn of events, and at myself.” Turning away, she sighed. “Then, he was injured and lost consciousness for three days.” She clenched her jaw, eyes glistening in the dim, blue light while her ears wilted. “All because of me.”
I replied to Keeper’s expectant gaze with a nod, silently encouraging her to continue.
“I saw him in the medical bay, earlier today. He is recovering well. I talked to him, apologised.” Her gentle face contorted into a grimace. “He did not accept it. Said he needed more time to come to terms with everything.”
She wasn’t telling the whole story. Nevertheless, I nodded. “Why do you think that is?” She must have had her mind running circles around her.
“I…” Her ears were now flat against her head. Poor thing. “I think he blames me for his injury.” She gulped. “Understandably so.”
I blinked. “How come? How did it even happen?” Did he get hurt defending her?
“He fought the chimæra. The one attacking the Duskbringer Prison.”
My eyes bulged. My tail flicked. “Sweet Moon, that is reckless.” I furrowed my brow. Silver indeed was the type to play hero, but why would Keeper be to blame? She would tell me soon. “I presume the monster left him for dead? Who found him?”
She shook her head. “He killed it. I was the one to stop his bleeding and bring him to the medical bay.”
I suspected a lie, given her frame, but her eyes betrayed none. “To me, it sounds like you saved his life.”
She slammed the ground hard enough for it to echo. “But I am the reason he was injured in the first place! I insisted on going with him. I distracted him. I…” Her chest heaved with each gentle sob, tears glistening as they fell.
I said nothing, letting my gaze drift over the landscape before me. After a few minutes, when her sobs quieted down, I whispered, “You really blame yourself, don’t you?”
She nodded. “I need to apologise for that as well. I was too ashamed to bring it up when I saw him. I merely babbled on, desperately trying to justify my lies and secrets, and…” Her mouth hung open for a few moments as she stared somewhere far behind me. “Sweet Stars, I think I forgot to even say sorry.”
I gave her my best, reassuring smile. “You definitely need to talk with him about it. Perhaps he blames you without realising it,” I said after a few moments.
She sighed, nodded. Silence fell over us again. It lasted for a few minutes before she broke it with another sigh. “Thanks. I needed that. I did not realise how much I was bottling up.”
“No problem. It’s what I do.” I shone her a smile. “Anything else on your mind?”
She opened her mouth to say no, but hesitated, then shook her head. “There is somepony else I hurt. I lashed out at her when I should have calmly talked things through.” She shook her head again. “But I have no desire nor need to talk about it. I do not think it would help.”
She gave me a genuine smile. “Instead I would like to talk about you.”
I blinked. “Me? But why?” The words escaped my muzzle before I could stop them.
“Because you are one of two ponies I consider my friends. You always look so sad, so distant. I want to know why. I want to be there for you, like you are for me. I read it is what friends are for.” Was she trying to trick me? Why would she trick me? Her ears folded. “I mean, uh, you don’t have to.”
“Sorry!” I nigh shouted, before covering my mouth and chuckling. What was I thinking? “I guess you’re right…” I bit my lip. “I just… There isn’t much to talk about, really. I’ve started working up here, and I have a decent position. So everything’s well.”
“But?” Had her eyes always been so sharp, so inquisitive? Had I merely never noticed them? They were such a deep red, so beautiful, too. What was a pony like her doing with a mere servant? A complete nopony.
Like me…
I gulped, my ears folding on their own accord. “But for some reason I’m still not happy.” I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe it is because you are lonely?”
I almost snapped at her. If it hadn’t been for the complete absence of malice in her voice, I would have. Still, it stung, and my reply came out harsher than needed. “Please, I’ve always been lonely. I don’t know.”
Yet her smile remained gentle. It pissed me off. “What about your friend, what was his name… Andesite?”
“What about him‽” What did she want from me? If I kept answering like this, she’d leave me alone, wouldn’t she?
For an instant, her eyes betrayed the grief I’d caused her.
Why was I doing this? She was trying to be nice, and I was pushing her away. Enough was enough. “Sorry.” I broke eye contact as I gathered my thoughts. “I guess you have a point. I do miss Andesite, but I have no idea where to find him.”
“Well, what have you tried?” She put on a brittle, gentle smile.
“I… uh, nothing? I don’t know.” Why was it so easy to talk about other ponies’ problems, but when it came to me, I always ended up on the back hoof? “I haven’t really had the time, you know. I’ve been here a week.”
I took a deep breath and looked out over the vast emptiness below. Feelings raced in my mind, faster than I could keep up. I grimaced, not knowing why. I wanted to say so many things, yet none of them made sense to me.
“Shade? Are you all right?”
“I don’t know, okay!” Keeper shrank back. I frowned. “I’m… I’m sorry. I’m just bad at this. I don’t know what’s going on inside my head.” How could I put into words what hardly even made sense as thoughts?
Oh great, and now I was crying. What the fuck, Shade?
Forelegs wrapped around my withers and pulled me in. For less than a second, I resisted it. My whole body relaxed into the embrace. “I have to admit,” I murmured, “I was not expecting a hug. It’s just so… out of nowhere.”
“Well, it is what they do in books, and it has so far worked well at cheering up Silver.” She chuckled.
I laughed. Thank the Stars I hadn’t let my first impression cloud my judgement. Keeper was an amazing young mare, and I was glad to have her as my friend. “Did you get everything you know about friendship from books?”
“Uh… kind of?” At least she had the self-awareness to sound sheepish.
“Hey,” said Andesite as he sat next to me. He’d wanted to meet somewhere open and brightly lit, and the plaza in the centre of the serf quarters was ideal.
“Hey yourself,” I replied with the most genuine smile I had worn in years. Thanks to Keeper, I’d finally worked up the courage to talk to Andesite again.
Andesite nodded, looking out over the plaza.
I followed his gaze over the crowds of ponies. “Quite lively today, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“I wonder if there’s gonna be a big feast or something. I know Farrier’s not involved, otherwise I’d be swimming in work. And judging by the fact you’re also free today, I’m assuming it’s not Redcroup either.”
He shook his head.
We fell quiet for a few moments.
“Hey An,” I said, “is there something bothering you?”
“No, I’m fine.” His voice failed to convince me.
“We’re best friends. We haven’t seen each other in a while, but I can still tell if something’s wrong.”
He opened his mouth, but ended up staring at the ground. “It’s… it’s stupid.”
“You can tell me, like you always have. You know I won’t make fun of you. Is it about a filly? Or a colt?” I put a teasing edge to my voice in an effort to alleviate the tension.
Andesite grimaced, then let out a resigned sigh. “Fine. It’s about you. Your collar, to be exact.”
I touched a hoof to it, returning him a quizzical look.
“When we stumbled into each other in the market, I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was happy. Instead… I’m jealous.” He lifted his chin to show off his tin collar. “We have the same job, you and I. Deliver messages, carry things, run errands.”
He gulped, tears pooling in his eyes. “For three years I had to run around in the serf layer, trying to be as productive as possible, just to get out of my iron collar. Over three hundred days of not being able to leave this bloody town. Three hundred days of having to endure whatever my supervisors wanted from me. Always without a single complaint.” He hung his head low and muttered, “And I’m still not out of the woods.”
A single tear welled over, running down his cheek. He looked me in the eye and, in a tone so venomous it froze my blood, he said, “Then you show up wearing a damned copper collar.”
My heart stopped. I swallowed. “I swear… I didn’t do anything special.” The muscles in my cheeks ached as I forced a smile. “I was just lucky.” Redcroup was bigger than Farrier. They had a tiered team of errand runners. Farrier only had five of us, and they needed us near their estate from time to time, where bronze and below weren’t allowed.
In an instant, the venom gave way to dejection. “I know. And I was unlucky.” He sniffed. “That’s exactly why it hurts so much, you know? I didn’t do anything wrong.” He gave me a pained smile, face soaked with tears. “I was just born wrong. Born having to prove I’m just as capable as everypony around me.”
Part of me wanted to mention Silver; how he had started out with a platinum collar. It wouldn’t help, though.
I leaned in to hug him, but he pulled away. “I can’t, I’m sorry.” When he looked at me again, his face bore only pain.
I swallowed. Nodded. Smiled. “That’s all right. I’ll wait for you as long as I have to.”
He shook his head, a terrifying sadness in his eyes. “It’s not just that…” He grimaced, hardly able to meet my gaze. “I thought it was, but the more we talk, the more I’m realising how much I was lying to myself.”
“What? Why?” I knew why. I knew exactly why.
“I think I’ve realised it over the four years I’ve been here. When your mom killed my parents, I stuck with you, even if everypony else left. I kept telling myself it wasn’t your fault. That nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.” He gulped. “And I know it’s true. I know it’s not your fault.”
He looked away and muttered, “Yet I resented you for it. I remained your friend out of pity, but never admitted it to myself until now. Whenever I was with you, I was playing a role. I played a role for twenty years, Shade.” A horrible, relieved smile hung off his face. “I don’t know if I can keep going.”
“That’s… that’s okay.” I gave him the brightest, most gentle, most understanding smile I could muster. Tears ran down my cheeks.
I stood up, but Andesite reached out. “Wait, I’m not done.” What, did he want to hurt me more? I tried to pull my leg out of his grasp, but his pleading eyes relaxed my muscles. “I don’t hate you. Not anymore.” He swallowed. “I just don’t know if I can be your friend. But… but I promise I’ll figure it out. I just need some time to think. Okay?”
I nodded, before turning away and trotting off.
I sobbed in Keeper’s embrace like a young filly who’d just woken from a nightmare. Except this had really happened.
Keeper and Silver would never be able to replace Andesite, but for the long hour I spent in her embrace, I didn’t care.
I had lost my only friend. What was there left for me? Why was I still trying?
Keeper gently stroked my mane as my sobbing picked up again.