//------------------------------//
// (Canoptional) Homer to the Rescue! Wait really? 
// Story: Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga 
// by Barry the Brony 
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Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga
By Barry the Brony

The first sign that something was amiss was Homer was woken up by neither the smell of breakfast nor the sensation of Pinkie Pie poking him in the face with her hoof while making a little ‘boop’ sound. 

His cat Snowball 2 often used a similar trick when she wanted his attention in bed, pressing her paw right against his face and using her claws. Of course unlike Snowball, Homer had yet to experience the urge to hurl Pinkie Pie clear across the room.

“Pinkie Pie? Mr. and Mrs. Cake? Pound? Pumpkin? Anyone?” Homer called out as he came into the kitchen after getting dressed. Turning to one of the kitchen walls he ran a finger down it slowly. “Hmm, no trace of baby food. Guess they didn’t have time to make breakfast. Oh well, Plan B it is then.”

Homer went over to the cupboard and opened one before giving a grunt as he hauled out an enormous burlap bag labeled ‘HOMER’S FEED BAG’. “Ahh the old feed bag.” Homer said, reaching in and beginning to graze with loud content noises.

While the Cakes had no problem baking for Homer whenever he had a particular craving, they had discovered he was more than happy polishing off anything on the verge of going stale, and had started to leave him a bag of old stock to feed on as he served as a living garbage disposal.

This soon left him with a full stomach, but still quite curious as to where everyone had gone. Stepping outside Homer saw the streets were as empty as Sugarcube Corner. “Okay…getting a little concerned. Theories right now range from zombie apocalypse to pony rapture.”

The distant sound of someone shouting caught his attention leading Homer down the street towards the middle of town, until he finally started to see a few ponies, then steadily more and more. It looked like the whole town was present, gathered in a crowd and talking to themselves in hushed voices.

One pony who was most certainly not speaking in a hushed voice was a gangly red unicorn wearing a cape and an upturned collar like something out of Dracula. His hair and eyes were both jet black and he had red almost reptilian pupils with teeth like fangs. The unicorn strode back and forth ranting only pausing every so often to give what sounded like a very well rehearsed evil laugh.

But what really had Homer’s attention was the fact that right behind the unicorn was Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and even Spike all floating in the air trapped in glowing red bubbles of energy. Even as he watched they tried to break free using either their hooves, claws or magic but even though the bubbles stretched and moved they always popped right back into place.

“Oh good morning Homer,” Mayor Mare said as she noticed Homer coming over to the edge of the crowd. “Well, for a given value of ‘good’ I suppose, we have a bit of a situation.” She gave the weary sigh of the public servant faced with the ever looming threat of more paperwork. 

“Yeah I noticed, who's the jackass in the cape?” Homer asked. There was the unmistakable sound of someone clearing their throat. “Oh! Sorry Cranky, didn’t see you there.”

“Homer I’ll tell you the same thing I tell all the other tall folk who come to visit Ponyville, you can’t just look around you have to look down once in a while too,” Said Cranky Doodle, local mule and one of the Canterlot Wig Emporium’s best customers bar none. 

“Anyway to answer your question, this joker’s been calling himself Obsidian Dagger all morning, and before you ask no I have no idea if that’s his real name. Though if it is I have no sympathy for his parents whatsoever.” Cranky added, giving a loud snort. 

“He showed up this morning and captured the girls with his magic and now he’s demanding everyone in town do his bidding!” Mayor Mare groaned. “Oh it’s Trixie all over again.” 

“Okay so, why doesn’t someone call for help? Do you guys have cops?”

“In general yes, but police are largely for the bigger pony settlements like Manehattan. The two biggest lines of defense Ponyville has are the Element Bearers and our direct line to Princess Celestia in the form of Spike’s ability to send her messages.” Mayor Mare explained.

“And apparently Obsidian’s got at least a couple brain cells to rub together because he made sure to capture Spike and Twilight first. Now we’ve got some wannabe Tirek barking orders and it could be days before anyone catches wind of what’s going on.” Cranky said, sounding more annoyed than genuinely worried.

“Okay, what’s to stop everyone from just, I dunno, rushing the guy?” 

Mayor Mare and Cranky Doodle exchanged a sidelong glance before the latter held up a hoof. “Observe,” He turned to the nearest group of ponies and suddenly barked. “The girls are in trouble, we have to do something!”

Then as Homer watched the ponies…did absolutely nothing. Well not absolutely nothing, there was a lot of avoiding one another’s gazes, hoof dragging and half hearted excuses ranging from ‘I just got a manicure’ to ‘my doctor says I need to keep my blood pressure down’.

“Oh.” Was all Homer could say as he immediately saw the problem, the same problem that had once presented itself one night at the Kwik-E-Mart when he had been confronted with what, at the time, he had believed to be his son’s television idol Krusty the Clown holding up the store owner Apu with a gun.

Justice and doing the right thing were all well and good but usually the first inclination people had when confronted with real danger was to hope someone else was willing to risk life and limb for those lofty ideals. Thus Homer’s reaction when he had seen the aforementioned armed clown had been to shriek and dive into a pile of potato chip bags.

Thus as disappointed as Homer was that nobody seemed willing to step up and do something, he just didn’t have the heart to blame them. 

“Exactly, ponies are a naturally timid people, and honestly these things happen so often in Equestria most just learn to roll with it and wait for things to blow over.” The mayor explained. 

“Which means for the next few days we’ll probably be doing the same thing we did with Trixie and catering to Obsidian’s every whim until someone notices or the girls pull a solution out of their flanks. Ten bits says I’m going to end up peeling grapes for the jackass, and yes as a donkey I’m allowed to say it myself.” Cranky added that last part, noticing the odd look Homer was giving him.

Before Homer could say anything else, everyone paused as a soft and very familiar voice spoke up loud enough to interrupt Obsidian’s latest monologue. “Uhm, Mr. Obsidian Sir?”

The red pony blinked and turned to look at Fluttershy with an annoyed expression. “Excuse me, but I spent a lot of time rehearsing this speech and I don’t appreciate being interrupted.” He growled.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, it’s just, um, in all the excitement I haven’t had a chance to feed all my animals yet. Could you let me out so I can go and make sure they all have food? I’ll come right back.” 

Obsidian stared at Fluttershy for a moment before he gave a smile. Given how sharp his teeth were this wasn’t nearly as pleasant an expression as it should have been. “Aww isn’t that sweet, you’re worried about your little woodland friends. Of course I’ll let you out.”

“Really?” Fluttershy said looking hopeful. 

“NO STUPID!” Obsidian roared, making Fluttershy draw back as far as she could away from him with a whimper. “Now one more word out of you that isn’t ‘all hail Obsidian’ and I’m using your pets for a barbecue!”

Fluttershy’s eyes welled up with tears. The rest of the girls and Spike started protesting, and even a lot of ponies in the crowd were giving him dirty looks and some angry mutters, but that was nothing compared to the reaction Homer had.

(Deep in Homer’s brain) 

On what looked like the deck of the Starship Enterprise a crew of multiple Homers in various colored outfits ran back and forth as an alarm went off and flashing red lights strobed.

Up on an enormous monitor the image of Fluttershy’s frightened tear stained face seemed to be playing on a loop, all while a deep rumble shook the deck.

“Someone give me a status report damn it!” A Homer in gold barked while sitting at the captain’s chair.

“Captain, the system is being overridden by a signal from the Amy…the Amyg…oh, that part of the brain they named a boss after in Bloodborne!” A Homer in red piped up looking at a monitor before he paused. “Wait, how do I know what either of those things are?” 

“Self preservation and restraint is falling across the board sir! Fight or flight responses are kicking in full force!” Another Homer reported.

“Oh my God,” Captain Homer said, realization dawning on his face before hitting a button on his chair. “All hands brace, his paternal instincts are kicking in!” The rumbling intensified…

(Back in Ponyville) 

The rumbling was, in fact, vibrations caused by the deep full throated growl that bubbled out of Homer like a dog getting ready to bite someone. The novelty of the situation had promptly vanished and now every fiber of his being wanted to hurt Obsidian and hurt him badly.

“Why that LITTLE-” Homer lunged forward only to be (barely) held back by Cranky and the Mayor working in tandem. “Lemme go! He was mean to Fluttershy, he needs to die!” 

“Okay cool it cool it Homer!” Cranky growled as they dragged Homer around the corner before Obsidian could notice the commotion. “Listen, I get it. If it was my wife Matilda up there I’d be seeing red too but if you just rush in and get captured we’re right back where we started.”

It took a lot to snap Homer out of his anger once it was fully stoked, but the blend of paternal instinct and homicidal rage gave way to sheer surprise as he blinked. “Wait, you're married?” 

“Hey, I’m as surprised she said yes as you are,” Cranky admitted without skipping a beat. “But the point is, if Obsidian sees something he’s not expecting he’ll probably get spooked and things could escalate.”

“Exactly, we need some sort of a plan.” The mayor agreed. 

Homer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, well I think I have a plan.”

“You do? Oh, well that’s good to hear.” The mayor started looking hopeful that they could wrap this up relatively quickly.

“Wait for it…” Cranky said softly under his breath.

“Well step one is I make a fist, step two is I punch Obsidian in the face as hard as I can, and step three is I repeat the first two steps until he lets everyone go…or he blacks out. You know, whichever comes first.”

In the dead silence that followed this Cranky and the mayor exchanged a long sidelong glance that seemed to convey an entire conversation. “Well…I don’t have a problem with the end results.” The mayor finally managed.

“Spoken like a born politician.” Cranky said.

“Is that meant to be a compliment or an insult?” The mayor asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes.” The donkey couldn’t keep the smirk off his face.

The mayor merely sighed. “Fair enough.”

“No you guys are right, I’m not looking at this the right way,” Homer said, causing the donkey and pony to give him the same surprised expression. “I shouldn’t try to fight like a maniac, I should fight like a Simpson. Okay I think I know what to do, we’re just going to need a few things…”

(A few minutes later)

Twilight was not happy. The longer Obsidian Dagger talked the less happy she became, and the urge to make him stop talking would only lead to a fresh wave of frustration at how the bubbles she and her friends were in seemed to nullify her magic completely. 

She wasn’t afraid of being captured, more simply annoyed at the long list of better things she could do with her time than float helplessly in a magical bubble. 

Then, in the midst of racking her brain for a solution she paused. Had that bush always been there at the front of the crowd? It didn’t seem particularly healthy, just a loose collection of leaves and sticks cobbled together in a large lump. 

Then as she stared at it, she realized it was staring back at her with a pair of familiar eyes from deep in the middle of the foliage. 

‘Homer?’ Twilight thought. ‘But what’s he-wait he’s got something written down.’ 

Twilight had to squint a little at the message written on a piece of paper now sticking out of the bush now that Obsidian had turned away for a moment. Homer’s handwriting wasn’t exactly flawless, but she could just about make it out. ‘Distract him’’.

Twilight glanced over at the others just to make sure they had seen the message too. To be frank they all looked just as confused as to what was happening as she was, but one by one Spike and the other mares gave her quick nods to confirm they understood. 

“Excuse me, Obsidian?” Twilight asked, trying to make her tone as civil as possible.

Obsidian Dagger stopped and visibly ground his teeth, giving a loud snort. “I swear to Tartarus, if this is another stupid request…”

“No no! I was just, uh, wondering if maybe you could share a little about yourself? Maybe if we dig a little we can figure out what the root cause of your issues with society are.” Twilight offered.

Obsidian paused and turned to face her, and as he did the ‘bush suddenly sprouted a pair of legs and began to slowly inch closer. “Really?” 

“Well yeah, I can’t get kidnapped by someone out of the blue and not want to know at least a little about them.” Twilight said honestly.

Obsidian seemed to consider this before he gave a sigh. “I don’t know, maybe it all started when I was a kid. I didn’t have a lot growing up.” 

“Oh?” Now Twilight was truly interested. Maybe deep down Obsidian was just lashing out because of a troubled childhood.

“Yeah, just a warm safe house, parents who loved me, a successful family business I was guaranteed to inherit. You know, useless crap like that.” Obsidian said, waving a hoof dismissively.

In the stunned silence that followed the creak of Applejack clenching her jaw was deafening. “I…uh…I see.” Twilight offered lamely.

“But I weathered through that, in the hopes of one day achieving the one thing that would make me truly happy,” Obsidian gave a small wistful smile. “To have people cater to my every whim out of fear for their worthless little lives. Is that so much to ask?”

Twilight tried, she really did but she just couldn’t hold it in. “YES!” She shouted, making Obsidian draw back.

“Well excuse me princess! Just for that you can forget about being in my harem.” Obsidian huffed.

There was a pause as everyone else present digested this before they all shouted at the same time. “HAREM?!” 

“Hey it’s not my fault if you weren’t paying attention the first time I mentioned that. I spent a long time work-shopping this evil monologue and I don’t think it’s asking too much for you people to pay attention.”

“Uh, yeah quick question,” Rainbow Dash said holding up a hoof. “Can we take a public execution as an alternative? I would literally rather wind up with my head on a pike. I went through enough of that from Fluttershy’s brother, I’m not putting up with that as a day job.”

“Eh no big loss, to be honest I could take or leave most of you, but Pinkie Pie has potential, I have a few copies of the magazines Fluttershy modeled for, and you better believe I have plans for the Element of Generosity here.” His gaze flicked over to Rarity as he gave an attempt at a sexy growl.

Predictably, Rarity looked like she was going to be sick. Even more predictably, Spike went off like a freshly triggered land mine. 

“YOU CAN HAVE RARITY WHEN YOU PRY HER FROM MY COLD DEAD CLAWS YOU DIRTY BAS-” the rest of his rant was muffled as Obsidian quickly cast a spell to muffle the little dragon’s voice from inside the bubble. 

“Watch out Rarity, he’s establishing territory.” Fluttershy said with a light tease in her voice.

“Oh my, they really do grow up so fast.” Rarity said a bit of color in her cheeks as she gave a delighted little titter.

By now Homer had closed the distance considerably, with everyone in the crowd now watching him shuffle along in his ‘disguise’ with a sort of morbid fascination, like onlookers anticipating a train wreck.

“I don’t know if it’s occurred to any of you, but you aren’t the ones in control here, I am!” Obsidian growled bearing his teeth as he glared at his captives. “I have the power here, I call the shots and I say-why am I in the shade all of a sudden?” 

Only then did Obsidian start to turn around, but it was too late. There was a sound exactly like a full grown adult man hitting a pony over the head with a chair. 

Earth pony craftsmanship was remarkable, but very few people in any universe design a chair to function as a weapon so Homer was left holding two broken pieces in his hand as Obsidian collapsed in a heap. Apparently his magic relied on him being conscious, as with a series of loud pops the bubbles burst letting everyone go.

For a moment nobody said anything, just trying to process what had just happened. Then finally Twilight managed to speak. “Seriously? Your plan was to hit him with a chair?” 

“Well my first plan was really more along the lines of ‘scream and charge’ but Cranky and Mare suggested something with a little more finesse so I tried a combination of distractions and a cheap shot. My family has a long and storied tradition of bending the rules to hold our own.”

“Well Hell he gets top marks in my book,” Rainbow Dash said stretching out her wings grateful to be out of confinement. “Though whose chair was that?”

“I was willing to sacrifice one of my spares at the office.” Mayor Mare, still keeping a bit of distance along with the townsfolk, many of whom were unsure if Obsidian was truly unconscious or just playing possum.

“You can go ahead and put that on my tab by the way,” Homer said, turning back to her for a moment before looking back down at Obsidian. “You think he’s dead?”

“Hang on I’ll check, I haven’t had a chance to do anything so far this chapter anyway.” Pinkie Pie piped up, suddenly wearing a stethoscope and a hospital coat. Trotting over she placed it against Obsidian’s side and listened. “Hmm, nope he’s still breathing.”

“Oh,” Homer said before he held up a broken leg of the chair with the jagged side facing outwards. “Want me to fix that?”

Twilight’s left eye suddenly gave a noticeable twitch. “Homer he’s a unicorn not a vampire.” 

“Well I mean, it doesn’t really matter to the stake.” Homer said.

Twilight wasn’t sure what bothered her more. How casual Homer was about potential murder or how she didn’t actually have a rebuttal to what he had just said. Her left eye twitched again. “Allow me to rephrase that, we are not stabbing Obsidian in the heart with a broken chair leg in full view of everyone in town.” 

“Twilight’s right. We should wait until nightfall when there’s less witnesses.” Rainbow Dash offered.

“What? No that’s not what I-”

“I vote we drop him off a cliff.” Applejack grumbled, still clearly upset from Obsidian’s earlier remark.

“I second that.” Spike growled, his arms folded in front of him. 

“There, there Spike, you were very gallant in trying to defend me.” Rarity said as she stroked his spines to calm him down. “And while I hardly say I approve of Obsidian’s behavior, I don’t think even a lout like him warrants such extreme measures…however tempting they may sound.”

Twilight flashed Rarity a grateful smile before she turned to Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. “And do I even want to know what you two think?”

“Well-ll, he is a super duper meanie pants but I think Rarity’s right. We’re the good guys which means no killing unless it’s some irredeemable world threatening big bad. Not unless we want to start getting all angsty anti-hero and I don't think that's the direction the author wants the story to go.” Pinkie Pie chirped.

“And if being a creepy jerk was a capital offense, you’d be killing people all day.” Fluttershy added.

“Alright so that’s four in favor and four opposed. However seeing as this is not a democracy and as the only princess here I say we let Obsidian live and turn him over to Celestia.”

“Awww.” Said Homer, Applejack, Spike and Rainbow Dash in unison.

Twilight sighed. “But Homer can get in one more cheap shot if he really wants to.”

“WOO-HOO!” Homer promptly whirled around and kicked Obsidian in a place that made every other male present wince. 

Speaking of others, as he faced the townsfolk still gathered Homer couldn’t help but notice how guilty they all looked at how it had taken a complete outsider to step in and help their local heroes. 

And that was how, for the second time in one day, Homer got an idea. “Hey Mayor? If you are open to a suggestion, I think I might have a way to help everyone in Ponyville feel a little more in control…”

(Later that night) 

In a crowded assembly in the Town Hall, Homer stood up in front of everyone and gestured with a pointer to a diagram Twilight had drawn to his instructions on a chalkboard, well into his sermon. “And to review, the T.E.G system, which stands for Throat, Eyes and Groin, is a system anyone can use to defend themselves in a crisis situation.” 

“Now I have to stress I can’t promise it will work on everyone. But the next time somebody like Obsidian shows up you have options in defending yourself. Remember, there is no dishonor in fighting dishonorably. Cheap shots, fake outs, dirty tricks, it’s all on the table, including hitting them with a table.”

Twilight wasn’t sure how she felt about how everyone in Ponyville was listening so intently as Homer shared his wisdom in the art of being a vicious underhanded bastard in a fight, but she had to admit everyone seemed a lot more confident now. Cranky Doodle kept nodding along as if this was nothing new and more than a few ponies were taking notes.

Homer paused as Mayor Mare motioned for him to kneel down before whispering in his ear. “Oh right, the mayor has asked me to emphasize that the T.E.G system is strictly to be used for self defense, and not for settling day to day disputes. I don’t want to hear someone punched someone else in the throat just because they cut in line ahead of them at the supermarket. Any questions? Yes you in the back.”

“What if the bad guy is a female? Is the T.E.G system still okay to use?” A pegasus asked.

“Ah, excellent question,” Homer said as he started to slowly pace back and forth. “You see, we live in an age of equality where there are a lot of questions on what is and is not okay to do in a fight against a member of the opposite sex. Well as a wise caped crusader once put it ‘the hammers of justice are unisex’. If a villain means you harm, you have every right to defend yourself. And on a practical note, hitting someone in the groin hurts like Hell regardless of their gender.”

More than a few male ponies in the audience turned to the nearest female with a questioning look, only to have said females give a nod of confirmation. 

“So, has there been any word on what’s going to happen to Obsidian?” Rarity asked sitting next to Twilight as she and the others had also shown up to support Homer. 

“Princess Celestia hasn’t decided on his exact punishment yet. After all, he was really more bark than bite during the whole incident, but for now he’s in a cell in the castle dungeon.”

“Hmph, hardly seems to be enough for what he put Fluttershy through.” Rarity said with a sniff.

Twilight let a smile play over her face at this. “I thought the same thing, until I found out Celestia already had a meeting with Discord planned before all of this went down. I’m sure he was very interested to hear all about it…”

(Deep in Canterlot Castle) 

Obsidian Dagger kept backing up until his flank hit the bars of his cell, his eyes wide and his pupils shrunk to pinpoints in sheer terror as the draconequus loomed over him in the dimly lit cell. 

“Well my little edge lord I have good news and bad news,” Discord said as his body oscillated slowly from side to side in a manner terrifyingly reminiscent of a snake, his jovial expression tinged with a hint of malice as Obsidian could swear he saw the flames of Hell itself dance in those red mismatched eyes.

“The good news is Celestia gave me painfully clear instructions not to kill or maim you. Due process and all of that. The bad news is this just means the way I plan to repay you for your boorish treatment of Fluttershy and the others will have to be more…creative.”

He held up two objects in his mismatched hands. A stuffed squirrel and a toy taxi car. “And you wouldn’t believe how creative I can be when I’m nursing a grudge…”

Obsidian’s scream echoed through the dungeon…