//------------------------------// // A Canterlot Wedding // Story: Man in a Pony’s World // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// Bob plopped down next to Twilight while the rest of the girls were happily chatting to each other while the lavender mare rested her head in a hoof as she stared out the window. “You know,” Bob leaned back. “I can’t really fault Shining Armor for not telling me of all people,” he shrugged. “We met just before Hearth’s Warming, and I still think he’s getting used to me despite us ending off as friends,” he pointed to Twilight. “And I can get why he didn’t tell you he and Cadance were dating, and subsequently not telling you that he’s getting married.”  “Why wouldn’t he tell me?” Twilight asked. “I’m his LSBFF, he’s my BBBFF! We tell each other everything!” “Well, put yourself in his shoes, er, hooves for a moment. Imagine just sitting at the dinner table one day, and you suddenly let out ‘oh yeah, I’m dating your old foalsitter’ to your younger sibling. Just out of the blue, no warning, just ‘I found somebody I love’ or whatever. Your parents probably saw it a mile away, but I don’t think Shining Armor took a moment to introduce Cadance to the family as his girlfriend. My older brother was scared as fuck as to what Dad woulda thought of his girlfriend, and his girlfriend was equally as nervous. On top of that, I’m assuming you and Shining Armor should still be living with your parents at your age, right?” “Yeah… Shining Armor’s barely twenty six, and I’m only twenty one. Ponies aren’t even considered legal adults until they’re twenty one, even if some ponies choose to go live on their own at around eighteen. It’s… I haven’t really even been inside of my parents’ home since I was twelve and my parents gave me the okay to live in Canterlot Castle when I was thirteen to help with my studies…” Twilight took a deep breath. “Shining could’ve sent me a letter about the wedding himself! Maybe even during Hearth’s Warming! Princess Celestia was the one who sent the letter, not Shiny!” “...Yeah, I’m not saying Shining Armor didn’t fuck up, that’s obvious; he fucked up. What I’m saying is don’t be too rough on him. I get where he’s coming from, and you should totally get him back for this. Does he know how to preen wings?” “No…” Twilight said. “Do research, and give him a five, no, ten page long report with graphs, graphs on how to properly preen wings. He’ll have to read all of that, be traumatized by graphs, and Cadance will get somebody who can properly preen her wings, who happens to be her husband.” Twilight grinned. “Bob, you are devious… I’m going to make it a twenty page report.” Bob laughed. “Oh fuck, I can imagine Shining Armor’s face when he’ll receive it…” Bob looked the unicorn in the eyes. “Make that his wedding gift.” “...Good call,” Twilight nuzzled Bob. “There’s a reason why I keep you around.” “Because I can scratch your chin better than your hooves and magic.” “And because you humans are inherently evil as we’ve discussed. You tickled me for six minutes straight last week!” “You were loafing while reading a book! How could I not come over and immediately start pestering you? It’s your fault for trying to lick my neck when I’m ticklish when you do that.”  With Twilight’s mood lifted, the train ride went over much, much quicker. Now Twilight was also happily discussing the wedding, her testing procedures for making sure everything goes well, and how beautiful and handsome Cadance and Shining, respectively, would look in their wedding dress and suit. Bob was more than content to lean back and relax… If anyone were paying attention, they would’ve noticed a pair of large, blue, insect-like eyes staring at them from the overhead suitcase storage. The Queen is going to have my head for this… I was supposed to spy on Ponyville, and I got distracted. The creature thought as it slipped away. A pink barrier made him shiver, as everypony and human on the train started asking about the pink barrier. Twilight was quick to point out that it was a shield spell, noting how similar it was to the shields her older brother had made, only it was… a lot bigger.  As soon as the train stopped, everyone disembarked, while a small, black speck fell into Pinkie’s mane. Twilight rushed forward, likely to tell Shining Armor off, and Bob followed suit. The human quickly caught up to the unicorn. “I’ve got something to say to you mister!” Twilight yelled as she approached a wall. All the guards pointed spears at Bob and Twilight. “Twilie!” Shining Armor said after poking his head over the wall. He took his helmet off… right as a guard threw a spear at Bob. The human yelped and ducked. The spear soared overhead, it just barely missed Bob. Shining Armor quickly shot a glare at the guard that just tried to kill the teenager. “We’re having a word, later, Private Sharp Point,” Shining Armor growled. He rubbed the back of his head as Bob slowly stood back up to his full height. “Sorry about that, Bob. Everypony is just on edge right now.” Bob was rubbing the top of his head. “Fuck me…” He grumbled. “I thought we were past ‘let’s murder the hell out of the human’ bit of my life.” “I told my guards to not attack anything bipedal and hairless, and sompony couldn’t follow orders.” Shining Armor offered a hoof. “No hard feelings?” “You weren’t the one who threw the spear at me, man.” Bob took the hoof. “So where’s Cadance?” “And why didn’t you tell me you two are dating?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. “I uh…” Shining Armor scratched the back of his head.  “You were being stupid, weren’t you?” Bob asked. “...Yeah. I was so caught up with planning the wedding, and the guard because Canterlot was threatened. Between the threat, the wedding plans, and everything else… I couldn’t get the chance to write a letter to anypony. It’s why Princess Celestia sent the letter.” “You’re lucky that Bob had a talk with me on the train ride here, or I would be much, much more angry with you, mister.” Twilight sighed. “I guess with all that you’ve got your hooves on, you’re a bit too busy to let me know about the wedding.” “I saved the most important position for you, Twilie. Aside from wedding planning, you’re my best mare.” Twilight nodded and had a huge smile plastered on her face now. Shining Armor then turned his focus onto Bob. “And I hope that you give your all with Fluttershy; it would mean the world for me.” The human raised an eyebrow. “If I didn’t give my all in music, I would be a really shitty musician. I’m still a bit shitty, but I still give my all in what I do.” “Hey, don’t talk about yourself like that. Some of my guards managed to get a hold of your album, and I caught one of them singing it when they thought they were alone. A bunch of them sing songs from it, in the shower.” “...Okay then. Wish I didn’t know that. So, where’s Cadance?” Bob asked. “Surely she wouldn’t be too far away from you, with the two of you marrying.” As if, on queue, the Princess of Love walked down the steps of the wall. Her eyes widened upon seeing Bob, but showed indifference to Twilight. “Dear,” Cadance pointed at Bob. “What the buck is that, and why hasn’t it been thrown in the dungeons?” “...What?” Bob asked. Twilight took a step back at the words that left her old foalsitter’s mouth. “Cadance, we met on Hearth’s Warming. Are you suffering from dementia or something?” “It can talk?” Cadance asked. Bob and Twilight looked at each other before the unicorn took her turn in greeting Cadance. “Sunshine sunshine, ladybugs awake. Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” Twilight stopped when Cadance chose to not join in on her little ritual. Instead, she looked at the younger mare in confusion and almost… disgust. A few hours later, Bob and Twilight were sitting outside of a cafe, alone. “Okay, something’s wrong with Cadance,” Bob said immediately. “Either she hit her head really hard or something else is up.” “She didn’t even do our little friendship chant!” Twilight sighed. “She treated you like an animal!” “Maybe it’s because we were in public or something.” Bob shrugged. “Though Cadance, even in public, is sweeter than a donut with me, and I don’t think she’d miss out on properly greeting her future sister in law.” Bob rubbed his chin. “Well, I haven’t known her long enough to truly know how she operates, so I’ll leave you to be the judge of her. For now… let’s try and blow past this wedding, and maybe after your brother’s honeymoon, Cadance will be back to normal.” “You’re right, Bob. We’ll just have to wait and see.” The next day, Bob was sitting with Fluttershy, holding his guitar while he watched the pegasus act as a conductor for a small choir of birds. The human clapped as they reached the end. “Man, I wonder why Celestia asked me if I could help out with the music. You’ve got this covered, Flutters,” the human said as he set his guitar down. He started rubbing the yellow pegasus while she was trying to hide behind her mane. “Well, I, uh…” Fluttershy blushed. “It’s nothing special, really. The birds do all the work, really and-” “You’re a good conductor…” “T-thank you, Bob. Maybe you can show what you’re going to play?” Bob nodded. “I wrote a song I was gonna play for Cadance, as I said, and figured the wedding, or the reception would be as good of a place as any to play it. I even had to do some research to see if you guys have the radio... Because I don’t listen to the radio.” As Bob played the beginning of the song, he snickered at his cheesy openning, Fluttershy’s birds had already joined in on singing along to the guitar. Bob put the guitar down after the first verse. “I wish I could’ve brought my drum machine, so I could record some strings and piano; they would work so beautifully in the bridge, but I think I can get Octavia to help out with the strings. I’m sure she’d love to help out…” The human grinned. “Your choir did a good job at mimicking the violin though, so I don’t think asking her will be necessary.” Bob still just wanted an excuse to talk to Octavia… Even though he thinks that the cellist lived in Ponyville… Ponies need to have business cards.  “Necessary for what?” Cadance asked as she walked into the room. “Because I was hearing something that sounded… dreadfully cheesy. Why would you play something like that at a wedding when it could drown out the rest of the ceremony? Some of the words don’t even make sense!” “I was going to play a few songs during your reception. Don’t wanna steal the show from Fluttershy, and I’m terrible with wedding songs. I’ve got the song I just played, and another one planned for a slow dance towards the end of the reception,” Bob shrugged. “Wanna hear the slow dance?” “I will after I hear the music actually meant for the wedding. Actual music, not something that a monkey thought would sound good.” Bob flinched. He tried to open his mouth, but then Cadance closed it shut with her magic… That wasn’t the right color. It was green. “...Alrighty,” Bob sighed and walked to the corner of the room, towards the piano. As the birds sang, with Fluttershy leading on, Bob played a few notes on the piano to help supplement the choir… Until Cadance glared at him. Her horn lit up and Bob was subsequently dropped outside of the room. “Well, fuck you too, Cadance. I thought we were cool, but if you wanna be a cunt, you can enjoy your wedding; I’m done with you!” Bob flipped the Princess off, even if she had already closed the doors. The human grumbled as he made his way out of the castle and towards the Twilight Family home. He figured spending time there would be a much better use of his time… only nopony was there, they were all at the castle so they could be on standby for the wedding. Bob found himself sitting in his room for the rest of the evening. Luna was busy helping her sister watch over Canterlot, so he couldn’t even talk to her. Cadance was being a bitch, and Shining Armor would have supported it, no matter how much of a grade A bitch his fiance was being. Twilight was too busy making sure the wedding plans were going smoothly, and experiencing Cadance being a bitch, and the rest of her friends were too busy with busying themselves over their parts in the wedding. So he had nobody to talk to. So Bob just sat in his room, idly strumming his guitar as he hummed the song he wrote for Cadance. Before setting the guitar down and just leaning back against the bed frame. “Fucking ponies, dude.” The human figured, since he wasn’t really going to be doing anything for the wedding anymore, thanks to a certain alicorn, he figured it would be time that he went out and explored Canterlot. He took a deep breath before he walked out of his room. “Well hello, Bob,” the human sighed as he closed his room’s door shut. Princess Celestia walked up to him. “I thought you would be rehearsing some wedding songs alongside Fluttershy, like I asked you to. After all, I did quite enjoy your concert, hence why I asked you.” “Cadance said she didn’t want an ape playing at her wedding reception. So I just kinda… walked out of the practice room and sat in here,” Bob jabbed at the door behind him. “Is it that time of the month? Because Cadance is acting the exact opposite of how she usually behaves. Like she’s being a whole ass cunt… don’t tell me that she’s started taking after her aunt. The tall white one, not Luna. Luna’s cool.” “...You just had to somehow insult me, didn’t you?” “You were a whole piece of shit, Princess, so it’s fair. Meh, fuck off. Hopefully Cadance is just nervous about getting married, and she’ll be back to normal. See you ‘round, your highness. Make sure to leave your local human alone, he doesn’t like sun controlling alicorns named Celestia. Wait, ‘it’, it doesn’t like sun moving alicorns. Aren’t you supposed to be watching over Canterlot right now?” “Luna has taken over the watch for the night. Perhaps I can point you to Twilight and her friends instead? You probably wouldn’t want to miss her.” Bob sighed and nodded. After he got his directions, he flipped Celestia off and went on his way. “What does that mean?” “Fuck you.” Bob said bluntly. He asked a nearby guard for directions out of the castle and went out on his way. When he found them, after a bunch of screams and running ponies… an autograph or two that made Bob smile. He found Twilight and her friends sitting around a table and having a drink. Twilight was going over how rude Cadance was to everypony. The human waved and took a seat at the ponies as he casually slid into the conversation. “Yo. Who we talkin’ shit ‘bout?” Bob asked, pretending to be oblivious. “About how Cadance suddenly became really mean!” twilight sighed. “And the girls won’t believe me because they haven’t gotten the chance to really know Cadance like you or I, Bob. What did she do to you? You weren’t around when I came to check in on you and Fluttershy.” “Oh, the same pony that found a lot of what I sang on Christ-Hearth’s Warming to be relaxing? Yeah, she called me an ape and didn’t know who the hell I was.” Bob leaned back. “I just thought she was being nervous, and pretending to be professional, but I think we’re dealing with an entirely different person, Twilight.” “What makes you say that, Bob?” Apple Jack asked. “Well, Cadance was usually pretty nice to me during the holidays. She didn’t remember who the hell Twilight is, which is a bit odd since we literally saw her at that little fan meetup a couple weeks ago. Cadance doesn’t know who I am. And… You guys can see unicorns using magic? Like Twi’s is kinda pink, Rarity’s is a bit bluer?” The ponies nodded. “Cadance’s magic is usually light blue, it’s kinda pretty… Cadance now? She shut my mouth with her magic… which was green. I dunno about how magic works, but I’m assuming a unicorn, or alicorn’s magic, is colored distinctly to the user? Like Luna has this blue magic that almost looks like the night sky, Prick-Lestia is golden. Or am I wrong?” Twilight shook her head. “You’re right on that assumption Bob… But how do we prove that we’re dealing with a fake… if you’re right on that front.” “I dunno. I wanna find the real Cadance if I am right. I don’t wanna… be right, which is a bit off. Because if I’m right, the real Cadance, the sweet, loving one you and I know and love, is trapped somewhere, or straight up dead. If that’s the case…” Bob shuddered. “For now, just keep going about the wedding plans as usual. Since the ‘fake’ Cadance doesn’t like me at all, I’m going to stay clear of her… Twi, go talk to Shining Armor, alone, and warn him. Aight? He might not know, or might already know.” A day later, Bob was forced into attending the practice wedding. Since he was adopted by Night light and Twilight Velvet, he had to be at the wedding regardless of how much ‘Cadance’ wanted him to be there. Or how much Bob wanted to be at a practice wedding. What the hell was he supposed to do? All he had to do was clap and stomp his feet when Cadance and Shining Armor kisses. Out of everyone, he wasn’t given a role since Cadance really didn’t enjoy his attempts at trying to harmonize with Fluttershy’s choir of birds. Since there were no seats, Bob stood out like a sore thumb. “Why aren’t you playing the violin for the wedding?” Twilight Velvet asked.  “Ask Cadance,” he whispered back. “I’m tempted to get a train ticket and head home for the wedding. Nobody'll miss me if I don’t attend the wedding or the reception…” Bob paused as the doors opened to reveal Cadance. The Alicorn of Love began to walk up the aisle… Twilight was notably missing. “Say, have you talked to Cadance recently? She was a wee bit snippy and racist with me.” “…I haven’t, why- wait, Cadance? Racist?” Twilight Velvet asked. The human nodded. “My word… I never had wedding stress so bad that it made me racist.”  “Stop!” Twilight shouted as she ran up the aisle and got into Cadance’s face. “She’s bucking evil!” Everyone stopped. Everyone was now staring at the lavender unicorn. “Cadance hit Shining Armor with a spell and-“ “Why can’t you let me be happy?” Cadance let out a slight snarl, and then started getting teary eyed. “Wow,” Bob spoke up. “That is some really shitty acting.” “What did you just say?” Cadance shouted.  “You glared at Twilight before you started crying. And now you’re angry as fuck. I’ve seen my fair share of shitty actors, but wow, you really take the cake.”  “Of course I’m mad! Twilight Sparkle is trying to ruin what will be my special day! And so are you!” “Okay Cadance… What did I bake for everyone on Hearth’s Warming?” “I don't bucking know who you even are!” Bob shrugged. “Fair enough… You’re not Cadance.” “See? This pony isn’t Cadance and she is evil!” Twilight yelled. “I mean, she doesn’t even recognize Bob! She didn't recognise me!” The alicorn growled and her eyes flashed green. “Twilight back the fuck up from that bitch!” Bob shouted. “That’s the look of a fucking predator!” Twilight took her gaze off Bob before staring back up at ‘Cadance’. She immediately started backing away… until the alicorn bursted into green flames. As the fire consumed her, it slowly started dying away to reveal a black carapace underneath. The… thing’s eyes opened and revealed two snake-like, acid green eyes. She almost looked like a pony… almost. She had a terrifying set of fangs in her jaw. Her legs were riddled with holes, and her tail and mane matched the dragonfly/like wings on her back. Her horn was crooked and jagged.  Whatever she was, she was terrifying. “You know, ape, I should've gone into your room and ripped your throat out last night. You just had to help little miss nosy to ruin my facade?” “It’s… not my fault that you’re shitty at acting.” Bob said casually stepping on onto the aisle and getting in front of Twilight. “So, what happens now?” The doors slammed open for the second time in that hour, revealing a large wolf, a timber wolf to be exact. It growled and ran in… it leaped clear over Bob and placed himself in between the bug pony and human. “Stop!” It growled.  “And just why are you away from your post, Azolf? You were meant to be stationed in Ponyville to gather info on it.” The big bug asked. “...Balto, what the fuck is she talking about?” “Bob, just be quiet and let me handle this…” “No. Tell me what the fuck is going on? How the fuck did you get here? I thought you were still in Ponyville?” The wolf slowly turned back to Bob, and the human couldn’t help but flinch. Instead of the big, yellow eyes that were full of affection, were cold, almost lifeless blue eyes staring back at him. “Balto, what the actual fuck is wrong with your eyes?” “Enough!” Celestia shouted. “Bob, I hate to tell you this, but your wolf is a changeling! I’ve seen them enough, they feast on emotions… whatever affection that thing showed you… is fake. And you,” the Princess snarled. “What have you done to my niece?” Her horn lit.  The Queen giggled. “She is perfectly safe, don't worry your pretty little flanks about her. Azolf, show your little friend what you are. Don’t worry, we’ll keep him alive after we take this city.” Balto nodded solemnly before turning to face Bob. “So, I didn’t want you to find out about what I actually am, but…” The wolf was soon enveloped in that same green fire. “But I didn’t want to lose my friend and food source,” he said as the fire dispersed. What stood before the human was… a bug pony. It had big, blue eyes that looked a lot less lifeless when compared to the little blue dots in the wolf’s face. Those were all Bob focused on reading. “But this is who I am,” the human slowly approached the bug pony. “A Changeling.” “You… you’re Balto?” Bob asked slowly as he approached. “Bob, don’t touch that thing?” “I… am. My actual name is Azolf, and… the Queen, and my mother,” the changeling nodded a head to the big bug behind him. “Is planning to take Canterlot… and it seems like it is too late to stop us.” The sound of glass shattering made everyone in the room flinch, save for the Queen, and Shining Armor who looked completely out of it. “And…” The human before him raised his hand. “Please don’t, if you hit me, it’ll be a lot harder to convince Mom to let you out of your cocoon.” The sound of small explosions rang through everyone’s ears as green blurs blasted towards the ground. “You…” Bob looked up and down the changeling, and took a peek at the sides of the changeling. He could see ribs. “You look really bony. Was I not feeding you enough?” “Well…” Azolf rubbed the back of his head. “I mainly feed on love; I’m still recovering from starvation when you left Ponyville, but you played a big part in keeping me full after we first met in the woods.” The changeling sighed. “Do you hate me for lying to you?” Bob opened his mouth, but a flash of gold. “Look out!” Bob tackled and grabbed the changeling and the two of them rolled out the way. Where Azolf was standing was a scorch mark. Celestia was standing with her horn lit. Chrysalis snarled and flew to the other side of the room. “Azolf, are you okay?” The Queen’s voice rang through the room… with genuine concern.  The human stared down at the changeling before him, and lent his hand. Once the bug pony got to his hooves, Bob turned to Celestia. “What the actual… fuck. Princess Celestia, I was having a conversation…” Bob knelt down and was eye level with who he thought was his wolf. “Are you alright?” If anyone was paying attention to Chrysalis, as their eyes were all on the human and weird pony-like creature in the center of the room, she was now watching with full intent. Azolf was clearly shaken by his near death experience. “C’mere, bud,” the human pulled the stunned changeling onto his lap and started rubbing the back of his head. “You’re still Balto in my eyes. Your eyes… They look different, but they’ve got that same look as the wolf that was pestering me to play with him last week. Minus the whole ‘terrified because I almost died’ bit. “I wish you woulda told me before… all of this. Those explosions… Are those changelings crashing down and attacking people?” The changeling nodded, though he was still shivering, while trying to hide as much of himself away from Celestia as possible. The human flinched as the Queen finally had enough of watching what was going on, and had placed a hoof on his shoulder. “Uh… Please don’t kill me. I swear I’m just petting your child.” “It has been a while since I’ve seen anything treat one of my children so nicely. I… am in debt to you for saving my son... You’re feeding him with actual love, without even knowing it, as well… I… Now I regret some of my actions towards you when I was disguised as Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. You are alright for something that hangs out with ponies.” Queen Chrysalis was a mother first, Queen second. Seeing one of her children being treated so kindly had polished both of her blackened hearts. “Can you call this invasion off and arrange some sort of peace treaty with Princess Celestia? As much as I hate a majority of ponies, I’m not a fan of genocide or taking down a country where I’m friends with one of the rulers.” Chrysalis paused at the request, before nodding. “We will see if we can reach a peace agreement. Azolf,” the changeling looked up from behind the human. “I sent a message out through the hive mind. Once Mi Amore Cadenza is moved from her prison, go make sure she is well taken care of.” The Queen’s gaze landed on Celestia, becoming cold again. “If you lay a hoof on any of my children, my children will take the city and have your head on a pike by sundown. I’m only doing this because I’m in debt to the creature that saved one of my children. Now… let us negotiate.”  Celestia was at a loss for words, for once in her dynasty that has lasted for years, she was shocked at what one human could do. Azolf nuzzled Bob before hopping out of his lap, and buzzed off, through the doors to retrieve Cadance.