//------------------------------// // A Lyra In Equestria Story // Story: Short Scraps and Explosions // by shortskirtsandexplosions //------------------------------// Here's something interesting. This is a story concept that I think would still be cool to do someday, but if I ever tackle it at this point, it'd have to be way shorter and lose a lot of unnecessarily convoluted elements that I have written in here. The idea of this fanfic should be obvious from the title itself. That's how I was hoping the story would sell. Also, this was manufactured back in spring of 2012, when I was having a full-on obsession with Lyra. But more on that later. Here, we see some scant elements that make it into Background Pony, but then things take on an insanely different turn. The personality behind Lyra here is almost insulting, but in my head I was speculating that she was... the embodiment of a 45+ year old hippy female who was into classic rock and psychodelic experimentation. Er... yeah. This is an example of a nifty concept with a screwed up execution. Going into it, I realized I sugar-coated some of the diction with prevailing themes of Twilestia, perhaps in hopes that it would sway Vimbert's editorial opinions in my favor. It did not work, and praise Nietzshe for that. A Lyra in Equestria Story by short skirts and explosions Dear Princess Celestia, I just recently finished reading your Treatise on the Dangers of Telekinetic Mine Sweeping, and I must say that I was thoroughly thrilled. It's invigorating to know that Equestrian Civilization has come so far from the warmongering species of seriously ticked-off horses that we used to be, and it saddens me that there are still parts of the world with more bomb fragments in the backyard than silver spoons in foals' mouths. I shall make it my goal to study further into this subject, in the event that I might lose a leg and need to marry a popular music star in order to raise funds for anti-landmine charities. However, I would like to take this moment to bring up a rather bizarre observation of mine. I believe there may have been some cross-dimensional interference the last time you used the transportation spell to send your letters to my dragon assistant, Spike. Don't be too concerned, Princess; the letters arrived in one piece. Still, upon closer examination they had a strange smell to them. I'm wondering if perhaps the parchments accidentally crossed over into a gaseous, parallel universe full of random, pungent dust particles. If so, it would explain why my nose tickled upon opening your most personal letters to me. I mean, why else would mail from Princess Celestia of Equestria smell like they had been perfumed— Twilight Sparkle stopped in the middle of writing. Her rosy cheeks matched the purple haze of magic that was encompassing the floating quill and parchment in front of her. She had paused her penwork upon hearing the awkward sound of a pony's voice singing in the distance. Twilight glanced up—confused and blinking—from where she squatted on the edge of a bench along the outskirts of Ponyville in the glistening afternoon. She wasn't alone; Rarity sat on a pillow in a nearby patch of grass, sketching here newest dress design across a sheet of white canvas. “My my, what is that grating cauterwauling?” the fashionista exclaimed, battling a crooked grimace. “Uhm...” Twilight Sparkle blinked. She glanced down at her latest letter to Celestia, at the word “Princess” that had tumorously acquired a heart symbol over the letter “i”. She let loose an errant cough, telekinetically crumbled the sheet of paper, and tossed it into a nearby garbage can. “I don't know. Who besides Fluttershy sings at this time of the day?” “And out in the open, no less?” Rarity's eyes were thin, jaded sapphires, or some other optical metaphor of crystalline nature. “I swear, everypony in town wants to be a diva these days.” “Shhh... Whoever it is, I think she's coming around the bend.” Both unicorns craned their necks and waited for the mysterious singer to appear, a singular act that alone was a testament to how confoundedly bored the two of them were. They were awarded with a neon green hoodie and a gray pair of pants and were both mutually disgusted to realize that a living, breathing pony was squeezed into them. It was a turquoise pony, a unicorn at that, with a shiny horn and an even shinier smile that followed her humming figure as she sauntered down the hill, tossing her hood back to reveal a mane of glossy gray threads. “Nobody knows where you are, how near or how far. Shine on you crazy diamond,” she sang, or pretended to sing. “Pile on many more layers and I'll be joining you there—Oh! Hiya!” A pair of golden eyes glimmered brightly. Grinding her hooves to a stop, the unicorn raised her front limbs and stretched her spine perpendicular to the earth. “Allow me to introduce myself, my name is—aw crap!” Her exclamation came to the same bitter end that her skull did, slamming full force into the dirt road behind her. The unicorn briefly flailed in the dust after falling from the bizarre posture she had attempted to assume. Twilight Sparkle and Rarity stared in mutual silence, still as stone. They could very well have been posing for a double-portrait. “Just a minute,” the unicorn grunted while struggling to get a hoof-hold of the situation. “Gosh darn this quantum jet lag! If I had a dollar for every time I fell over myself, I'd be Sabu from ECW—Ah! There we go.” She stood back up on all fours, her grin as immaculate and shiny as before the pull of gravity took her. “I apologize. Getting here took a lot more out of me than I thought it would.” “Uhm, it's okay,” Twilight Sparkle said with a nervous smile. Rarity squinted. “Darling, are you feeling alright?” “Alright?! This is Ponyville! Home to the Elements of Harmony! Land of magical, prancing equine and other assorted subjects of exploitable macros! How could I be anything but ecstatic?!” The unicorn's smile was briefly interrupted by a frustrated glance thrown at her hooves as she backtrotted towards a lamppost. “Let me just get my bearings here. I swear, I'm dizzier than a Bangkok reporter at the hands of Bjork.” “Bang... Cock...?” Twilight's violet eyes briefly crossed. “Uhm...” Rarity folded her sketch and held it protectively away from this sudden, perplexing creature. “I do believe you are spouting a whole lot of nothing, dear.” “Shhh! Hold on. I gotta do this right. Heeheehee—Ahem.” The unicorn backed completely into the lamppost, stood up on her hind legs, and braced her spine against the thing so that she could stretch her forward body into a ghastly, vertical position. Once her head was so forcibly elevated, the stranger adjusted the hem of her sweaterjacket, cleared her voice, and spoke with such booming presence that it forced the heads of many distant, picnicking ponies to turn and blink her way. “Greetings, my little ponies!” She paused briefly to let loose another excited giggle, then jubilantly continued, “Do not be alarmed by my appearance! Though I may be tall and somewhat ugly by your standards, I assure you that I mean you pretty horsies no harm! I come from a faraway land on the other side of the rainbow! I bring you tidings of joy, good cheer and self-indulgent monologues. Heeheehee... oh god, I'm so excited right now!” Several ponies quietly clustered around Twilight and Rarity, staring in numb unison at the rambling equine against the lamppost. Slowly, Twilight Sparkle stepped down from the bench and bravely walked forward with an even braver smile. “Well, uhm, that's most certainly interesting. I'm not quite sure if I understand it all, but I appreciate a friendly pony when I see one. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is—” “Twilight Sparkle!” the unicorn grinned wide. “And what a pretty, lavender unicorn you are! Especially in this sunlight! Heehee heee!” She paused to lean forward and add in a hoarse whisper, “I really like your mane. It's like a Pepto Bismol angel vomited across a sea of violet silk.” She stretched a turquoise hoof up at a forty-five degree angle. “There! Gimme five, Sparkles!” “Uhm? Five what?” the mare remarked with a crooked blink, followed up by a double-take. “And how do you know my name?” “Pffft! Like, who doesn't know Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, most faithful student to Princess Celestia, demon daughter of Trigon's seed—whoops, okay, that last one was a stretch. Ahem.” She smiled and emphatically wriggled her outstretched hoof. “Don't leave me hanging, girl!” Twilight Sparkle bit her lip and glanced Rarity's way, shrugging. Rarirty returned the gesture. “I think somepony is lost in more ways than one.” “Says you, Rarity!” the unicorn in the center of the gathering crowd of ponies exclaimed with a smile. “You know, I wish that everytime a truck full of blueberry Pop-Tarts slammed into a marshmallow factory, we got a hundred more of you, because the world could always stand to become that much more fabulous—oh fudge!” She shrieked as she lost her balance against the lamppost and fell back onto the ground once again. “It's okay! I'm protected! All State and all that crap!” Twilight nevertheless reached over and helped the unicorn up. “You know, you're just making it harder on yourself.” Overhead, a curiously blinking Rainbow Dash had hovered down, staring at the scene. “It'd be a lot easier if you just stood on the four hooves that nature gave you.” “Pfft, yeah right,” the unicorn grunted while rolling her golden eyes. An unbreakable smirk once again donned her face as she brushed off her green jacket and gray pants. “I'm only doing this because of the disorientation.” “Disorientation?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, on account of the teleportation spell and all. It's thrown me off balance. So long as I don't move around too much while I'm like this,” she uttered while waving her front hooves around at eye-level, “Then I shouldn't worry about getting blisters on my fingers.” “Uhhhh...” Rainbow Dash murmured while Rarity and the other ponies exchanged stupified glances. “What are 'fingers?'” “I...” Twilight thought aloud, “I-I think they're the names of the five digits located at the end of a small primate's limb.” “Oh.” Rainbow Dash hovered, blinking. “What's a 'primate?'” “What is anything anymore?” Rarity exclaimed, the edge of her voice carrying a hissing tone. “I'm quite vexed with confusion right now.” “What is there to be confused about?!” The unicorn grinned and wrapped a forelimb around a skittish Twilight's neck as she leaned in and winked. “Just because I'm human doesn't mean we can't pursue friendship and harmony and all those other bitchin' qualities of awesomeness together!” “'Human'?” Rarity made a face. “'Bitchin'?'” Rainbow Dash made one of her own. “I came at just the right time too, Rainbow Dash!” the silver-haired stranger continued, a few inches away from nuzzling Twilight. “Because this magical land of Equestria is under the impending shadow of the wicked witch, Hydia, and her infernal Smooze! And the only thing that can defeat such an insufferable blight is my rainbow locket, the power of friendship, and also the flutter ponies—or else some other goofy deus ex machina. But hey! Whatever works, amiright? Amiright?!” “Well, uhm...” Twilight smiled bashfully and gently disentangled herself from the excited unicorn. “That all sounds... really exciting! But perhaps there's another time and place to talk about such... uh... adventures when there aren't so many ponies staring at us?” “No, I wanna hear this,” Rainbow Dash hovered even lower. “This 'Witch Hydia' is relevant to my interests.” “Witch Who now?” Applejack remarked, trotting up with a basket full of apples lying predictably on her flank. “Just who in the hay is this fru-fru'd silo of squabble? I've been listenin' to her gabbin' from my apple stand, clear across Ponyville!” “Oh snap. Applejack's right,” the unicorn said with an embarassed wince. “I guess not everybody can be George Foreman's son; far be it for me to assume you ponies know my name like I know all of yours.” She cleared her throat, sat on her haunches, and planted a hoof over her chest. “I'm a human. You can call me Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings.” She blushed with a grin, rolling her golden eyes. “Yeah yeah, I know. My parents were hippies, you see. It's not what you think, though. Sure, they went to Woodstock, but what better a way to have been conceived than in the broad daylight while they listened to Carlos Santana's Soul Sacrifice? Decades later, my boyfriend and I tried preserving the tradition to a VH1 televised performance of Smooth. Eh... it didn't work out too well. Besides, who wants their kid growing up to look like Rob Thomas?” “Err...” Applejack took a few cautious steps back, a loose apple or two falling out of her basket. “Y'all mind tellin' me why nopony's called the cops on this yahoo yet?” “Oh! Please do!” Lyra leaned forward with a grin. More apples spilled as she trotted around in the freshly formed circle of curious, gazing ponies surrounding her. “Call the cops! Call the farmers and the musicians! Call the artists and the scientists and all of the scholars in between! Preach it to the streets and sing it to the mountains! A human is in Equestria! This is a monumental event! We've slayed Plato's shadowy god of yesteryear to erect this new idol of fantastic crossover, comingingling, coexistence and.. and... dang it, I've run out of abstract nouns. Alliteration will do that, you know.” “Yes, well—” Twilight began. “Hey!” Lyra hopped in place, only to land on her chest as her hooves gave way once more. “Nnngh—Ahem.” She stood back up on wobbly knees “You guys want to see something crazy?” “Good heavens, no!” Rarity was already recoiling. “Sure!” Rainbow Dash excitedly leaned forward. “Most equines have shoulders! But not you cute, colorful, little quadrupeds!” Lyra reached over and grasped Applejack's upper body, wiggling her back and forth and knocking more apples loose from the basket. “See how these legs of yours just shoot out from underneath your chest cavities like the hydraulic support struts of AT-AT walkers? Ever noticed that before? Heheheh—Paging Darwiiiiin!” The only part of Applejack that wasn't rocking back and forth was her burning frown as she glared in the direction of her three friends. “Okay, just who is this pony and are there any of her folks nearby who will regret seeing what Kicks McGee is about to do to her face?” “Ha! Kicks McGee...” Lyra poked her hoof into Applejack's mane. “Who's a silly pony?” “I beg yer pardon?!” Applejack sneered, her blood boiling. Rainbow Dash hugged herself in mid-air. “Hahahaha! I like this unicorn! Hey!” She grinned and wiped a tear. “Shake Applejack some more!” “Okie dokie!” “Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute—!” “I've got an idea!” Twilight suddenly stood in between the enraged farmfilly and the turquoise stranger. “Now that we've gotten to know each other, perhaps it's time we got to... er... know ourselves!” “What, is this a zen thing?” Lyra hobbled backwards, raising an eyebrow. “Japan's a long way from Equestria. Plus, they got less ponies and slightly more old people.” “What I mean to say is... erm...” Twilight looked Lyra up and down. “Have you looked in a mirror lately, darling?” Rarity added nervously from behind Twilight. “Why, am I having a Stevie Nicks day?” Lyra blinked, and then her golden eyes widened brightly as she ran two hooves through her frazzled mane. “Oh god. I'm having a Stevie Nicks day, aren't I?” “Heeeeey!” Lyra trotted about the library interior of Twilight's abode. “This place looks so much cooler when you're actually standing inside it! Nice pad, Twilight. I like what you've done with the... wood!” “I don't recall ever inviting you to my place before,” Twilight said while Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity stood behind her. “And you never had to! You see... erm... how can I put this?” Lyra squatted on her haunches, surrounded by bookcases, as she gestured dramatically with her hooves. “In the land I'm from, humans like me have access to this magical portal call 'Youtube,' through which we can see you ponies in their natural habitat, ponies having conversation, and fat Australian kids suplexing scrawny bullies.” “Ughh...” Applejack moaned and cast her green eyes across the room. “Please tell me we brought her here for a reason, Twilight.” “Shhh!” Rainbow Dash hovered and leaned towards Lyra. “I wanna hear more about Lyra's magical tube! Can it cause explosions?” Before Lyra could respond, Twilight trotted into the center of the group. “As a matter of fact, I do have a purpose for bringing our... uhm... new friend here. Ahem. Rarity, if you would do the honors?” “Gladly,” Rarity strolled in from an adjacent room with an elegant canter. Her horn glowed, telekinetically dragging a tall dressing mirror into the center of the library so that it stretched before Lyra. “I must say, Twilight, you should learn to clean this thing more often. Perhaps it would explain why you've walked out the door these past few weeks with your coat so garishly spotted—” “That's nice, Rarity. Now let's take a look into this mirror, shall we?” Twilight trotted up and stood beside Lyra so that their dual reflections stood tightly within the mirror's frame before them. “Okay, Ms. Hardsteves.” “Heartstrings.” “Er... Right. Tell me...” Twilight briefly nudged Lyra and pointed at the two equine images. “What do you see?” “Hmmmm... What else?” Lyra smiled and gestured her hoof over the reflected dimensions of Twilight. “Small, round face. Slender body. Conical tail. Simple color schemes. You're Faust's Generation Four at its best, hardly the gigantic hippopotamus sight of Generation One or Two. And—dear Jehovah—don't get me started on Generation Three-Point-Five. Frickin' Popeye-legged abominations, I swear to God!” Applejack glanced at Rainbow Dash. “We sure her last name ain't 'Hooeystrings?'” “Snkkkt—hahaha! 'Popeye...'” Rainbow Dash chuckled with a slack-jawed grin. Twilight Sparkle was in the middle of her tenth second of awkward blinking before she finally shook her head and exclaimed, “No! That's not... I don't even know what any of that means! Don't you see two ponies, Lyra? You know? Like you and me? Fellow unicorns?” “If that's your way of saying we've become fast friends, then sign me up!” Lyra stifled a giggle, her orange eyes flaring brightly over her grin. “Once you've become a pegasister, you never go back! Am I right?” “I... It... unngh...” Twilight ran a hoof over her face, took a deep breath, then calmed herself with a smile. “Here. Let's try something else, Lyra.” “Okay.” “Look at yourself and tell me what you see.” “What, are you suddenly blind, Twilight?” “She's an egghead,” Rainbow Dash said. “Unless you're a walking pile of letters, she'll never catch you fixing a bucket of water to the top of her front door.” “You're not helping, Rainbow—” Twilight briefly did a double-take. “Wait, that was you who soaked me last week?” Both Rainbow Dash and Applejack snickered at the same time. Rarity shuffled up and nudged Lyra's shoulder. “Well go on, dear. She asked you something simple, didn't she?” “Hey, whatever floats your boat, Ms. Hepburn.” Lyra cleared her throat and squatted on her haunches, her spine erect. “I see a strawberry blonde with a godawful widow's peak. The almond eyes are making me thirsty for a cappuccino. That stupid mole is still lying in the square of my neck like a damn tracheotomy scar.” She ran her hooves down to her sweaterjacketed waist. “I'm still carrying three Christmas parties' worth of fudge-dipped guilt from months ago. Heh... And—gawd—you can't guess how many people think these hips have squeezed out at least three kids, though I am quite blissfully inexperienced in the torturous affairs of childbirth. Heeheehee. Still, it's not so bad; I'm just waiting for pop culture to accept Rubenesque women as 'beautiful' again.” Twilight Sparkle was squinting, squinting hard. “You... You see all of that?” “Unfortunately, yeah. Why shouldn't I?” A blue hoof poked Lyra in the skull as Rainbow Dash flew low, her brow furrowed. “This horn! You mean to tell us that you can't see this freakin' horn on your forehead?” Lyra blinked, cross-eyed, as if noticing the shiny promontory on her cranium for the first time. The four ponies briefly leaned forward on their hooves, waiting for it... “Oh please, Rainbow Dash,” Lyra ultimately said with a sly smirk. “You may not know me as much as I know you, but good friends are reticent to point out one another's acne problems, and they're even less likely to wax hyperbolic when they do.” “Listen, sugarcube,” Applejack trotted up to the mirror with a persuasive smile. “I've seen a heap o'wild pranks in my day, but t'ain't a good thing to run a single joke into the ground. Now I'll be the first to admit it: you've got us all perplexed something fierce. But I reckon it's time you rein it in just a tad.” “No joke!” Lyra briefly frowned while rubbing a hoof over her face and nose. “I've got rosacea pretty bad! Well, maybe not President Clinton bad, but we only ever get older, right?” She giggled and blushed slightly as she added, “My shoulders are even worse off at this point. It's getting in the way of my tattoo. I blame it on my addiction to fried fishsticks.” “Tattoo?” Rarity made a face. “Yeah—Here, see?” Lyra pulled the left sleeve of her neon green jacket all the way up to the base of her limb. A thoroughly unblemished, turquoise coat shone in the library lanternlight. Lyra nevertheless pointed at it. “Granted, it's hardly as awesome as it looked when I first got it at Burning Man five summers ago, and—Snkkkt-Hehehehehe!” She almost fell entirely on the floor while snickering. “Now what's so dag-blamed hilarious?” Applejack exclaimed. “Oh... Just... Eheheh...” Lyra gulped, snorted, and giggled again. “How can I go about explaining to cute, colorful ponies what it means to walk down a giant paper mache uterus in the center of an arid valley? Hahaha—Whew. Anyways, you see, there's this place called Black Rock Desert in the middle of Nevada, and every year, before Labor Day, the Department of Mutant Vehicles is assembled to—” “Pssst...” Rarity leaned into Twilight while Lyra absent-mindedly went on. “She is rambling again! This is our opportunity!” “Agreed,” Twilight said with a nod. “Everypony—Group huddle!” Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack gathered in a tight circle—hoof-in-hoof—while Lyra's monologue dominated the volume of the opposite end of the room. “I think there is something terribly wrong with this pony,” Twilight said. “Yeah?” Rainbow Dash briefly frowned, murmuring face-to-face with the others. “What was your first clue?” “It doesn't take an Einstallion to know that the mare's one haystack short of a barn!” Applejack added to the tight group. “And where does she get off wearing such bright pastels in mid-April?” Rarity grimaced. “It's one thing to be deranged, but must she look like a fashion crime on the way to the asylum?” “Don't call her 'deranged', Rarity!” Twilight frowned. “That isn't very nice!” “I'm not sure there's any better way to describe her, Twi,” Applejack said with a somber expression. “I've seen Granny Smith lapse in and out of having all her marbles collected. T'ain't a pretty sight.” “I dunno; I think she's pretty funny. Heeheehee...” Rainbow Dash smirked slyly. “Say, you think she does cute-ceañeras?” “I'm serious, guys! I think this pony's in a bad place and doesn't know it!” Twilight said with a sad expression. “I-I think she needs our help.” “Ugh...” Rainbow Dash sighed, her eyes rolling. “Do you really...?” “Yes, really.” Twilight Sparkle frowned. “You all heard how she keeps going on and on with such crazy nonsense. She's pulling so many bizarre, random ideas from the depths of her mind that it couldn't possibly be healthy!” “My mother always said that eccentricity was a side-effect of genius,” Rarity remarked. “Yeah. Besides, I'm pretty sure it's all just an act!” Applejack exclaimed. “I mean, just look at her!” The huddle of four ponies glanced across the room. “Hey! I think the feeling in my hands is coming back!” Lyra exclaimed with a grin. She leaned her weight so that she briefly stood on her rear hooves while balancing a stapler, a bowling ball, and a wooden horse carving in her forward limbs. “Check this out! I used to juggle on the corner of Church Street Station in Downtown Orlando for tips! I totally outshone that stupid cartoon mouse whose name I can't mention due to copyright infringement! Ready? One, two, three—” She tossed all three items ceiling-ward, only to have them crash violently down over her skull. “Augh—Dammit!” Lyra was sent sprawling to the floor, clutching her throbbing nostrils. “Unngh... Duh nothe. Why iz id alwayth duh nothe?!” “Alright, so paint me stupid,” Applejack muttered as she and the other four returned to their tight huddle. “What y'all reckon we do for her?” “Let's get her to talk about the magical tube again!” Rainbow Dash smiled. “Anypony but Rainbow got an idea?” Applejack frowned. “Hey! I think she's harmless! Stupid, but mostly harmless!” “Yeah!” Pinkie Pie nodded, cheek-to-cheek with the other four. “And 'stupid' sells! You can't afford to turn away a good act when you see it!” Twilight did a double take. “Pinkie?! Since when did you get here?” “What?! It's a free huddle, isn't it?” “If you want my advice,” Rarity spoke, “I'd say a good visit to Miss Red Heart would do her some good.” “But of course!” Twilight brightened at that. “A doctor's appointment! Maybe all of this is because Ms. Heartstrings banged her head really hard or something!” “Ungh... Twilight, you're smart,” Applejack remarked. “Can't you just figure it all out on your own?” “No, I think we should take up Rarity's suggestion. I'm good at magic and sciences, but I can't pretend to be a competent physician. This confused unicorn trotted straight into our village and I feel like it's my duty to get her the help she needs.” “Oooh!” Pinkie Pie nearly bounced out of the huddle in her excitement. “On the way to getting her help, could we get her some peanut butter wafers too? Nurse Red Heart's station is just on the other side of Sugarcube Corner!” “I vote for Pinkie Pie's idea,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin. “No no no!” Twilight Sparkle frowned. “We're getting her to the doctor as soon as we can! Who knows?! She could possibly be a seizure victim waiting to happen!” “All the better reason to fill her mouth with peanut butter!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “That way she won't bite her own tongue!” “I vote for that idea too,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Ugh... This is the most dreadful huddle I've ever been in,” Rarity moaned. She blinked. “By the way, has anypony seen—?” “Twilight?” Fluttershy stuck her pink mane through the door to the library. She trotted pensively inside, gazing at the strangely gathered circle of friends. “I was hoping you would let me borrow an issue of Lepus Weekly... erm... if that was alright. Oh dear!” she gasped, gazing straight down. “Who left this bowling ball lying on the floor? Somepony could trip and hurt herself—” “Fluttershy!” Lyra gasped, hopping excitedly with bright eyes. “Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh!” The unicorn scampered over and came to a sliding stop with a jubilant “Squee!” She proceeded to wrap her upper arms fiercely around the yellow pegasus' body. “Ohhhh you are as sweet and adoring and squishably huggable as I ever fitfully dreamed you to be!” “Uhhhhhhh... uhhhh...” Fluttershy quivered in Lyra's embrace, her blue eyes twitching to the point of bursting. “St-St-St-Stranger h-h-h-hugging meeeeee...” She looked ready to either faint or turn into a yellow and pink mushroom cloud. “Heeeee! I'm actually hugging Fluttershy!” Lyra euphorically cooed. “Sing to me a lullaby while we go out shopping for lace socks—!” “Shimmer down, sugarcube.” Applejack calmly drotted over and pulled Lyra off of Fluttershy with a toothed grip to the unicorn's mane. The visitor fell awkwardly to the floor while Applejack stared down at her. “'Human' or not, you should know better than to go around touchin' other ponies without asking.” “But... But you're all so bouncy and bright!” Lyra dizzily sat up. “Not to mention marketable!” Rainbow Dash trotted over to Fluttershy's side. “Sorry about that, Fluttershy. Let's introduce you to our new friend—Whoah!” She collapsed under Fluttershy's heavy embrace. “Spooky! Stranger! Hugging me! Without permission! Horrible sweatjacket!” Fluttershy clung to Rainbow Dash and murmured into her mane, on the verge of tears. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and patted Fluttershy's back before tossing a glare Twilight's way. “So, about that visit to the doctor's office...” “Right,” Twilight nodded, wrenchin her worried eyes away from Fluttershy's trembling form. “Lyra, I'd like for you to meet a good friend of mine. She's named Nurse Red Heart. Uhm... considering all the times you've fallen down and banged your head since we met, I think it'd only be right that I help you get a thorough physical.” “Hey, I'm game!” Lyra shrugged. “Granted, if I knew I'd be coming here to 'play doctor' with ponies, I'd have hung out on Furaffinity a lot more.” “Fur-a-whatnow?” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Hahaha—Oh god. Forget I said anything,” Lyra said with a snicker. “I teleported here to bump ideas, not uglies. Besides, that'd be too dangerously close to clop, and when I get back home and write about this experience, I want to be able to submit it to Equestria Daily.” “There'll be plenty of newspaper stands along the way, darling,” Rarity said. “Hah! Still, not what I meant, but you get a gold star nonetheless.” Lyra pivoted her smirk to aim at Twilight once again. “Before we go, though, aren't you forgetting something?” “I am?” Twilight blinked. “Uh... Yeah. Hello?!” Lyra gestured to herself. “I'm certainly not a pleasant sight to behold.” “What?” Rainbow Dash squinted, still consoling a shivering Fluttershy. “You mean your clothes? Just take them off!” “Heck no!” Lyra flung her green hoodie back over her horn. “I'd only strip if you paid me with the tears of Mel Gibson!” she exclaimed. “I mean—I'm only going to frighten all of your friends as soon as they see a freakishly tall human strolling down the streets of Ponyville!” “Lyra, you look fine,” Twilight Sparkle said with a smile. “I seriously doubt you're going to frighten anypony.” There was a timid squeak from Fluttershy behind her. Twilight blushed. “Well, most everypony.” “I'm sure you've got a solution somewhere in your bank of knowledge and plot contrivances!” Lyra grinned brightly. “Why don't you give me the zap!” “I'm sorry?” “Use a spell that'll turn me into a pony!” Lyra beamed. “Just for a little while, of course. That way, all the ponies will be fooled.” “Oh, heavens to Betsy.” Applejack face-hoofed. “Uhhh... Let me get this straight,” Twilight squinted. “You want me to cast a spell that will turn you into a pony?” “Egads, what do I have to use—a Moonspeak translator?! Somepony give me something to write with—” “Oh no no no no!” Twilight waved a hoof. “No need for that! It just so happens that... Uhm...” She scratched her chin with a hoof, thought, then brightened. “I've been working on such a spell! Spike's been wanting to join the nearby hockey team but they don't allow dragons to play!” “Hey, I'll believe that. Where I come from, they only accept white people.” “So... Uhm... Yeah! Let me just—uhh—fire up the 'ol horn here!” “Wait!” Lyra raised two hooves. “Wh-What?” Twilight blinked. “This has gotta be some powerful spell!” Lyra squinted. “Shouldn't it require the Elements of Harmony or something?” “You...” Twilight sighed, her head and tail drooping on either ends of her. “You really think so...?” “We don't want to take any chances, fillyfriend!” Lyra's teeth glistened under her grin. “I'm sure if a talking pony walked into my house back home, I'd have to change underwear for a week!” “Fine.” Twilight glanced behind her. “Girls? Gather around in a circle.” “What for?” Rainbow Dash frowned. “You heard her. We... uh... need the Elements of Harmony to pull this spell off.” “Are you certain this requires such pretense?” Rarity exclaimed as she and the others shuffled into a circular formation. “This is getting melodramatic, even for me.” “Just stand here next to me, girls, as I... uhm... focus this 'beam.' It's very quick spell, that's why there's no magical aura in the visual spectrum.” “Oh golly.” Applejack was doing her best not to snicker. “Aaaaaaaaaaaand....” Twilight tensed her face, grounded her hooves, and yanked her skull forward. “Voila!” She smiled. “There! You've been zapped, Lyra. You're a pony now.” “My left nipple, I am!” Lyra frowned, staring at her hooves. “Your spell's a dud!” “Ugh—Seriously?” Twilight made a face. “Does it look like I'm a pony?” Lyra raised her hooves out in front of her. “These are the same pianist hands I was born with. Why I became a telemarketer for a living and not the next Alicia Keys is beyond me.” “Hey guys, when we're done here,” Pinkie Pie happily chirped, “Can we all turn me into a frisbee? I'm in the mood to visit the beach!” “Shhh!” Twilight frowned. “I don't think you all channeled the Elements of Harmony just right!” Lyra exclaimed. Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened. “Oh! Right! Of course, that's it!” She cleared her throat and flashed a glare at her friends that only they could see. “You heard her, girls. Help me... uhm... channel the spell.” Rarity and Applejack exchanged nervous glances. Shrugging, they proceeded to make various murmuring incantations and hoof gestures. Pinkie Pie giggled and added to the babel with a series of twisted, cartoony expressions. As the room filled with nonsensical, murmuring voices, Rainbow Dash joined the mix. “Ohhhmmmmmm... Ohmmmm...” She squinted Fluttershy's way. “Pssst... Why aren't you channeling n'stuff?” “This is all so confusing. What's even going on here?! Who is this scary pony?” “Dang it, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash growled. “Frickin' chant already or I'll tie Angel's ears to a windmill!” “Eeep!” Fluttershy trotted closer to the circle and started waving her upper hooves. “Humina-Humina-Humina!” In the center of the wildly chanting group of friends, Twilight Sparkle shook, shivered, and murmured. “Harmony... Harmony... Harmony!” She flung her body forward with outstretched limbs. “Aaaaaaaand—Pew Pew!” She slumped down, panting dramatically. “There, Lyra. How about now?” Lyra was biting her lip, staring at her hooves up close. “Uhm... I hate to break it to you, Twilight, but... eheheh...” Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were already groaning. Just then, Twilight brightened and sat up. “Oh! Did I mention it has a secondary effect of turning you invisible?” “Sweet!” Lyra grinned. “Well, in that case, let's begin our perilous journey to the magical doctor's office of detiny—Augh!” She tripped and slammed awkwardly into the library's front entrance. “Ughhh... It's dangerous business walking into doors.” “Here, allow me.” Twilight sighed and telekinetically opened the entrance. “Heh!” Lyra sat up, shook the cobwebs loose, and marched happily into the outside world. “It's a good thing I'm invisible or else everypony would have seen that!” Rarity shuffled up and murmured into Twilight's ear. “Any chance you have a real spell to make a pony mute?” “If I did, Rarity, you'd be the first to know.” Here are some notes I made for the next couple of unwritten chapters Lyra arrives in Ponyville, singing a song Lyra hugs Fluttershy; Fluttershy panics Lyra asks to be transformed temporarily into a pony Lyra makes “Bi-winning” joke – then rambles on about Francis Ford Coppola -Mane 6 converse about Lyra's craziness, decide to seek medical help -Nurse Red Heart -Zecora -Princess Celestia -Princess Luna Lyra gets Spike to write journal for him -observing ponies in their natural habitat -shipping Applejack and Rainbow Dash Lyra attempts riding bicycle Lyra and Pinkie Pie (Lyra always wins at rocks, paper, scissors) Lyra and Bon Bon (“I dIdN't PuT tHoSe In My BaG!”) Lyra and Ditzy (“Who's this moron and why would I want her muffin?”) Lyra and Dr. Whooves Lyra and Scootaloo (“Yeah, whatever, kid.”) Lyra forces Mane 6 to help her acquire the Rainbow Locket to fight back the Smooze from Dream Castle - “Shut up, Rarity!” - Twilight rebukes Rainbow Dash - “Shut up, Rarity!” Lyra decides to set up stage play to explain human-kind to ponies -becomes a laughing stock -good idea but poor execution -feels it's time to “be whisked back to Earth” (“Anytime now.”) -Attempts to fly away, hurts herself -Twilight exhaustedly goes to her aid Lyra and Twilight have a moment