//------------------------------// // 34 - Ethical Equations // Story: The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper // by Techogre //------------------------------// My eyes snapped open from the pain of my arm being crushed and gouged. I looked to my left to see the thing's middle paw crushing and its claws digging into my bicep. In a moment of dispassionate and lucid thought, “Huh. That feels like about five hundred kilos.” That didn't last long, and it only took a moment to assess my perilous situation fully. I was pinned to the ground by my left arm, my legs and belly exposed to the creature's dripping maw, and my head between its middle and hind legs. I desperately tried to remember the lessons about fighting larger animals. The only thing I could remember was, 'slit the belly.' The beast reared back to rip me to shreds and I panicked. My mind screamed FULL.COMBAT.MODE. The blade shot out to its full length; razor sharp, continually adapting and adjusting to produce the deepest, most grievous cut. In a single desperate slash, I slit its belly open. A torrent of blood and gore poured out. It roared in pain and took a few staggering steps, grinding my arm further in the process, until it finally collapsed in a boneless heap. I dragged myself to my feet and stumbled to my fallen foe. I stood over the body, my heart pounding in my ears, my left arm screaming in pain. I could see its eyes fluttering, the blood and ichor still dripping from its open belly. I crouched beside its head and stroked its rough fur. “Please forgive me for taking your life. If I had been a little smarter, a little faster, a little better, I could have done otherwise. I promise you, I will do the decent thing and treat your body with dignity.” With a heavy heart, I take a moment to put it out of its misery. I then stagger a few steps and drop onto a fallen tree log in exhaustion. I was tired and sore; all I wanted was a hot shower, a warm bed, and a soft wing around me to forget this horrible evening. Still breathing hard, I heard some rustling behind me, followed by rushed steps and a warm embrace. I could hear the fear and relief in Dash's voice. “I was so worried.” She kissed my dirty face, not caring about the filth, “Thank Celestia you're still alive. What—” I snapped back to reality, realizing I only had one thing on my mind. In a panicked voice, I asked Dash, “Scoots! Is she alright? Did... did you get her to safety?” I gently pushed Dash away and started examining her sky-blue coat and feathers. It was hard to tell if she had been injured because she was covered in the same gore I was. I spoke softly, shakily, “My god... were you hurt?” “She's fine. I'm fine. Both thanks to you. What...” She trailed off as she looked around and seemed to see the carnage for the first time. She continued softly, “What happened?” Before I could answer, I heard weeping. I looked around and saw it was Fluttershy. My heart sank. She moved forward, her eyes on the popping cat. “You killed her, Alex. Why?” She hovers past me, tears streaming down her face as she gently closes the beast's eyes and suddenly gasps. “Look,” Fluttershy pointed to the teats, and for the first time I saw some kind of milky fluid seeping, “she was lactating. She has cubs, Alex. Somewhere out there, not too far.” I spit out some of the gore that had made its way into my mouth. I was still buzzing from the adrenaline rush of the fight and wanted to snarl at her, but this was Fluttershy. I knew I had to keep a soft, even tone or it would upset her. I spoke softly, my voice filled with grief, “I'm so very sorry Fluttershy. It... had me pinned. It was going to rip me apart. My instincts forced my hand and it was the only thing I could do. I... I wanted to see my family and friends again, Fluttershy. Please understand I—” “I saw her wounds, Alex Roberts.” Her voice was harsh and I think she was on the edge of a full-blown 'Flutterage'. Dash had told me about them, and they were not a harmless bit of bad attitude as presented on the show. She was prone to violence and considering the strength difference, that could be deadly for me. “You weren't happy to simply hurt her very badly. No, you had to end her life. You had to go out of your way and,” she spat out the last few words through gritted teeth, “Kill. Her.” Dash spoke up in my defence, desperately trying to reason with her friend, “Fluttershy, that's not fair. Look at that belly.” Fluttershy's eyes flicked from Dash to the cooling corpse, “Look at it. Unless we could have flown a vet here with us with surgical equipment, you know darn well it would have—” “He should have known better, Rainbow Dash. You always said he's a high and mighty adventurer over a hundred years old, and he's oh so wise. Surely the mighty Alex Roberts should know how to handle a dangerous animal without killing it.” Fluttershy turned her glare at me again, “Unless he wanted to kill it, to feed his bloodlust. I'll bet he planned the whole thing. I'll bet he—” I was getting sick of Fluttershy's holier-than-thou attitude. I looked at the ground, spitting out more gore and composing myself. Looking up at Fluttershy, I involuntarily raised my voice, “I'm very sorry I had to kill it, I really am, but if killing this animal means Dash or Scootaloo, or any pony for that matter, stays safe, then I'll do it again and not lose a single solitary second of sleep.”  I tried to stand, but I stumbled and fell. I grimaced, gripping my injured arm, and stood back up. Dash came to my side, but I brushed her away before she could do anything. I realized she was just standing there, looking at me, her face a picture of pained confusion. In that moment of silence, I glanced at the pink-maned pegasus only to find her glaring at me, anger the clear emotion she was projecting. She charged up to me, actually shoving Dash out of the way, getting nose to snout with me, almost pushing me back to the ground. “How can you say something like that?” She turned to Dash, despair in her voice, “How can you be in love with something like him? He's worse than Gilda!” She turned back to me, pushing her hoof on my chest, shoving me to the ground, “You meenie, you brute, you... you... you monster!” I finally lost my temper. With all that adrenaline still in my system, I simply lost control. I easily slapped her hoof off my chest, “First, take your fucking hoof off me before I remove it permanently. Second, what the hell do you know about monsters? Real monsters! Huh?” I sneered at her damn naivete, the increasingly sickening innocence of this whole damn world. “Well, let me tell you a little story about some real monsters called the Illithid. They're slavers, not in the simple way Diamond Dogs are. These monsters enslave your mind. But not in the nice tidy way like a Need-It-Want-It spell. Do you know what they do?” I looked at her, holding her glare, “Of course you don't. They bite into your skull, right about here,“ I indicated the top back of my head, “and they remove a little piece of your brain and replace it with one of their larvae. Do you know how I know this? Well, let me tell you about the last five minutes in the life of Essak the candlestick maker.” “He was a friend, an ally really, but that's just semantics. He was my friend, and he had promised to find a quiet, out-of-way spot for me to jump. I said I would give him all the grots I had. Hell, I didn't need them anymore, and he was my pal and he could use them for his family. So, when we get to the spot, we hear a patrol coming our way. Essak was as surprised as I was, so he got me to hide in a small outcropping. It wasn't much, but it was enough to hide me. He stood out there and started talking.” “Do you want to know when you know you're dealing with monsters? It's while you're hiding in terror, soiling yourself, hoping they don't look in your hiding spot, thinking how happy you are they're killing your friend instead of you. You watch as it takes your friend and gnaws through their skull.” I moaned in grief at the memory and it took a moment for me to compose myself enough to continue, tears streaming down my cheeks. “And for a split second, before the larva takes over, Essak made eye contact with me, his eye begging me to do something, anything. And there's not a goddamn thing I could do to save him. But, there was one thing I could do to end the horror.” My expression hardened, “A few moments before I jumped, I lept out to what was left of my friend and I stabbed him through the heart.” Fluttershy and Dash looked at me in slack-jawed horror, “It was all I could do for him. He died knowing he wouldn't be serving those abominations.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, collecting myself for a moment. “Those are monsters, Fluttershy. Those... are monsters.” I stood unsteadily, but I was still full of rage. I thumped my chest, “Me? I'm just an ordinary guy, and I wanted to see my family again. I'm sorry, but there was no choice to make. Feed her cubs or see Dash and Scootaloo again? What would you have me do? If you were in my position, with my limitations, what the fuck would you have done?” Fluttershy just glared at me for a moment. A small part of my mind was shocked at the rage I was directing at Fluttershy, but my voice of reason was silent, and I was in the haze of surviving a fight.  I knew it was wrong, but I continued, venting myself at that innocent creature, “Do you have any idea what kind of responsibility it is to take a life? Do you?”  In that moment of rage, I realized she was no longer fluttering in front of me, trying to intimidate me. I was standing over her, unsteady, spittle dripping from my mouth; my face contorted in fury. I looked down and saw my knife was still in full combat mode, the blade razor sharp, glowing from the dancing electrical discharge and hungrily twisting and turning, eager to cut and maim. Dash spoke quietly but firmly, “Back off, Alex. You're scaring her.” I dropped the knife and took a few steps away from Fluttershy, realizing she was cringing, her fearful expression mixed with indignation. I wiped a blood-covered arm across my mouth and spat out some of the gore that had made its way into it. “Oh, god, Fluttershy, I...” I turned my head to Dash, pleading forgiveness, “Dash I... I... I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I...” I dropped to my knees and wordlessly stared at the palm of my right hand. Just on the edge of my vision, I could make out that old stain of green blood over the blood and gore from the popping cat. I quickly look away from it. I wiped the tears from my eyes and turned to Fluttershy, our eyes locking, “I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm not sorry for killing this animal. If one more scar is the price to pay to keep my family, or anypony, safe, then I'll gladly pay it. God help me, but that's what I'll do.” I could see the expression on Dash's face. She was caught between her oldest friend and her lover, loyal to both, unsure what to do. My heart went out to her, but there was nothing I could do. Fluttershy's tears were flowing freely now, her voice full of sadness, “But how can you justify your actions? How?” I took a deep breath to calm myself, but it was only marginally effective. My voice faltered as though I was trying to convince myself as much as her. “Easy. When she,” I pointed to the cooling corpse, “kills in the forest, do you chase her down and give her a stern talking to?” Fluttershy's expression changed to an incredulous scowl.  “No. She was just as ready to kill and eat me, Dash, Scootaloo, or you. She would have done so happily, knowing she was feeding her cubs. I, however, will have to live with regret and shame that I killed her. There will always be a little doubt that I could have done better, that I should have distracted her just a little longer. The point is, she was a predator, and predators eat meat. That means she needs to kill because unless I have been grievously misled, meat does not grow on trees.” She started staring at me, her expressive eyes seemingly looking for a way to get into my soul. I think she was trying to use her famed 'stare' on me, but under the circumstances, it just looked silly. After a few moments, she realized it wasn't working and began crying in earnest. Her bottom lip was now quivering, her now impotent glare was full of anger, and maybe it now contained just a hint of disdain. I know Fluttershy was never comfortable around me, but now, she was outright disgusted by me. She finally turned, sobbing, flying back to her cottage. Dash helped me stand, “I need to get this arm looked after. I'll be back tomorrow to bury her. Then I'll go looking for her cubs.” Dash objected, “Listen, Alex, you need rest and time—” “I'm not a monster, Dash. No matter what she may think, I'm not.” I sighed, “I took no pleasure in killing this animal, and I will do the decent thing and take care of it and the pups.” I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose, “God, tonight has been an absolute cluster-fuck.” “Alex I... I can't... I'm sorry...” Dash sat close, but not too close. “I understand, Dash. I said I would love you no matter what, but I won't hold you to returning that. I know what I did was barbaric in your eyes, and I don't expect you to demean yourself by staying with me. I won't blame you if you... I think I...” I wept quietly. Dash was so close yet so completely beyond my reach. Applejack was the first to arrive, fear and defiance in her voice, “Rainbow Dash! Is he alright? I saw Fluttershy leaven', bawling her head off. Don't tell me he's hurt or...” I mumbled, “I'm fine little sister, just some bumps and bruises, maybe a broken arm.” I heard Elusive exclaim, “Bucking moon, what happened to you, buddy?” “I'll tell you later, and you're buying the drinks.” There was a moment of silence, and I recognised Applejack by her unique scent, holding me, not too tight. “Oh, sugar cube, I was powerful worried about you.” I felt another body and Elusive's voice, “Man, I was worried about losing my drinking buddy. Cuz, you know, that's the only reason I let you hang around me.”  I chuckled a little, despite myself, and he patted me on the back. I could hear Beatrix's frantic, somewhat winded voice getting closer, “Please don't be hurt. Please don't be hurt. Oh dear Luna, please let him not be hurt. I never should have let him go for that walk. Luna said I needed to keep an eye on him. I knew I should have gone with him. This is all my fault-” I was surprised to hear a familiar baritone rumble interrupt her, “Now don't fret yourself, Miss Beatrix. Alex is a cagey rascal, and he was fightin' for kin. He'll be fine.” I could hear the worry in Beatrix's voice, and I was honestly touched, “Do you really think so?” Big Mac's voice was confident and steady, “I knows it.” I heard a sudden increase in the speed of hoofbeats, and I was fairly sure they were not from Big Macintosh. I suddenly felt another warm body wrap its forehooves around me, “Oh, thank Luna, you're alive. Princess Luna, I promise to start using my second name all the time from now on.” I felt a kiss on the back of my head, “Thank goodness you're alright.” I felt a large, rough hoof on my shoulder, “I told you, Miss Beatrix. He'll be just fine.” Finally, I heard the slightly out-of-breath voices of Twilight and Rarity. Rarity's affected accent was almost forgotten, “Oh, that brave gallant knight risking his life to keep his loved ones safe. Rainbow Dash is such a lucky mare to have such a—” “Fool. He was a fool, Rarity. I'm sure Rainbow Dash could have carried him and Scootaloo high enough and quickly enough to escape from that popping cat. He risked his life in a selfish act of bravado. He should be treasuring every moment, not- not living out some heroic fantasy.” “Twilight, Alex is many things, but he is certainly not a fool. I don't think you—” “Rarity, stop. You need to know something about Alex.” There was some whispering, a loud gasp, and a few more exchanged whisperings. In a softer, more tender tone, “Twilight, in view of this new information, I feel what he did was even more noble. However, in deference to his wishes, I shall endeavour to treat him as I always have. Now, he does not seem to be seriously injured. Let us present ourselves in as ladylike a manner as possible.” I sort of faded out at this point, answering questions in a simple monotone. Mac had insisted on carrying me, and seeing as I could barely stand, I gratefully accepted. I mumbled thanks as I tried to get on. I remember Beatrix and Rarity arguing who would lift me up and who would hold me in place on Mac's back. Beatrix won, saying Princess Luna had given me to her as her charge. I had three large gashes on my arm that would need a few stitches, various bruises and scrapes, and possibly a broken left arm. Someone had brought some first aid supplies and crudely bandaged my arm. Twilight, I think. I don't recall the trip back to the hospital. I remember telling the doctor in the emergency room I was fairly sure it was a hairline fracture about halfway down the left humerus. The location and type of break were confirmed, and the rest of the procedure went as smoothly as possible. They cleaned me up enough to get the sling on and told me I could remove it for a short time. This meant I could have that hot shower once I got home and then see my little girl. All told it was less than two hours before I could leave. During the whole thing, Dash didn't say much, but she did stay by my side and held my hand, especially during the stitching, as there were no painkillers available. I took a few willow bark tablets and bit on some tongue depressors. I thought I should visit Zecora and see if I can stock the hospital with a few basic medications. All things considered, they were fast and efficient. The doctor said I could leave at any time, and we thanked him. When we were alone, I was quiet, processing everything that had happened, trying not to dwell on the growing self-hatred I felt, partially just from my painfully obvious limitations that showed themselves this evening, but mostly from angering and disgusting the Element of Kindness. 'I really am just a monster in this place. Maybe I've just been fooling myself the last few months.' And then it hit me. I whispered to Dash, “Fluttershy was right, a monster like me doesn't deserve your loyalty, let alone your love.” Dash seemed confused, worried and surprisingly, she shifted slightly away from me. She's never shifted away from me. Never. I was sure she would say some comforting words like she always does. I could only look into her eyes in silence. Finally, with a guarded tone, she spoke, “I... I love you, Alex, as Celestia is my witness, I love you with all my heart, but right now, I don't know if I can be with you...” It was impossible not to hear the sadness in her voice, “I... I'm so sorry, Alex. This is just too much, and I need some time to think.” Dash turned and quickly left the room. In the echoing silence, I sat and stared at the door for I don't know how long. My trance was broken when there was a tentative knock, and the door opened a crack. Beatrix poked her head in. Her voice was soft and maybe a little fearful, “Hey, boss. How are you doing? I see they have your foreleg in a sling.” She walked in and chuckled, “Not a big deal for a biped like you, I guess, but a royal pain for us though.” I gave a little chuckle at her joke, causing her to smile too.  “So, the doctor said you were ready to go half an hour ago, and we saw Rainbow Dash leave without saying a word. We were wondering what was up.” She came up and put that soft, smooth hoof on my arm, a twang of shame for enjoying her touch made me blush. “Are you okay? Do you need to talk? I know you don't really know me, but I'm happy to lend an ear.” Still in shock, my voice was neutral, “I think Dash just left me.” Beatrix sputtered, “Leave you? Why? I've never seen such a happy couple as you two. What happened?” I collected my thoughts for a moment, looking at the floor. With my thoughts in order I explained myself, “From the moment Fluttershy arrived, she started hammering at me, asking me why I killed it, demanding explanations. I stayed calm, Bea. I was hurt and full of adrenaline. I wanted to lash out, but I stayed calm. And then what does Fluttershy do? She knocks me to the ground.” “I lost it. I told her to keep her hooves off me and threatened to take them off if she didn't.” I shook my head at the recollection, “It went downhill from there. She called me a monster, and I told them what real monsters are like. They do things to your friends, and the only way to save them is to kill them. I...” faltering I continued after clearing my throat, “Anyway, that's what I think did it. I know, to anypony, I must be as monstrous as any Illithid.” I looked up at Beatrix, expecting to see disgust. Instead, I saw compassion. She moved closer and placed her cheek against mine, holding me in a hug. She whispered sadly, “I don't know what happened to you or what you had to do, but I know you're a good person. Luna herself can see the good in you. If she's left you, then she's a fool.” She held me for a moment in silence, and I felt so grateful for a friend at that moment I put my arm around her. My moment of comfort was broken by my sister's voice, “Woah nelly, I guess I should have knocked.” Beatrix pulled away from me and seemed a little panicked, “What? Trixie has done nothing wrong here.” I wondered if she used her Trixie persona as a crutch when she was scared. “Well, while you were holding him, your tail was higher than a feely* on nickel night.” I sighed, “Am I missing something here?” “Well, I don't blame you, sugar cube. It was Trixie here that was hugging you with her tail held high.” Beatrix looked away, obviously embarrassed. “So, what's the big deal? She lifted her tail...” I had a sudden realization, “Oh my god.” A lifted tail would be a sexual tell to a species with a tail. A really big, screaming to the heavens 'You're going to love me!' kind of tell. I pointed to Applejack, “You, and all those times we were alone, and Dash, and,” I did a quick mental inventory, “Rarity. Okay, that's everybody.” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, “Seriously, what's wrong with all you mares? Okay, look, what just happened does not leave this room, understand? Applejack, I just found out Dash may have left me, but keep that under your hat, please. And Beatrix was just comforting me. One friend to another. If she got a little excited, it was just an accident.” I looked kindly at both of these warm mares, “This has been the worst night since I landed here, and the worst part is that I may have lost the person I love. I could really use a hug from my sister and my friend.” Excerpt from Applejack's Diary In some ways, it was worse than we imagined. Alex was sitting on an old stump, covered in blood, crying. Dash wasn't holding him or comforting him at all. She was just sitting close by, her back to him. I was so mad at the so-called Element of Loyalty for abandoning her stallion that I walked right up to him and held him. Elusive followed suit, then that hussy Beatrix, even Big Mac put a hoof on his shoulder. We didn't hold on to him too tight, seeing as he had a hurt arm and all, but we did help him up and get him to the hospital. Everyone except me, Elusive, Big Mac, and Beatrix left. While we were waiting, Dash came out and gave me a sign that she wanted to talk in private. Bea and Mac was talking in the corner, so I sent my Elusive to get some coffee. He's real sweet and I think he knew we needed some private time because he said it may take a while, maybe half an hour. Then he quickly added, "Or, it can be faster or slower if you want it to be." He made me chuckle at his consideration, and I said a half hour would be fine. Me and Dash found a quiet spot, and as soon as the door was closed, Dash started to cry before it had even stopped swinging. "It was terrible. He killed it without a second thought. I told him, right there, AJ. I told him I didn't want to stay with him. I couldn't even make myself hold him and comfort him, AJ. I told him I didn't want to be with him tonight, and I didn't know when I would be ready."  Then, R.D. did something I have never seen her do, she cried and sobbed like a foal. "I don't want it to be Gilda all over again. He's not like her, AJ. He's warm and kind, and... and good, but he's got that same wild, dangerous animal inside of him. He can be so cold-blooded, just like when he cut the cat's throat and then yelled at Flutters for being upset with him. I don't want to deal with that kind of stuff again. Not again." R.D. carried on a while more, but all I could think about was that she may not love him anymore. In fact, I couldn't even bring myself to say anything in his defence, like... like I wanted their relationship to fail. The only thing I could say was that she should follow her heart. She took off right then and there. After we got word from the doc that he was patched up and could leave any time, he didn't come out of the treatment room. Beatrix had said Princess Luna told her to keep an eye on him, so after about half an hour, she went in to check on him. She didn't come out for a few minutes, so I went to see what in tarnation was going on. I got in there, and for a split second, I thought I was in the wrong room and had walked into a couple make'n hay. The Beatrix hussy was holding her tail high enough that I got an eyeful of her privates. Well, Alex being Alex, he smoothed everything over, and we both held him for a few minutes. The Beatrix isn't all that bad. I'll finish this up tomorrow. Signed, Tired from a long night. P.S. On the way home, after Alex did what he wanted to do, I had a thought catch me completely by surprise. 'If Dash don't want him, I'll take him.' I wanted to track her down and tell her to forget about him and find somepony else, anypony else, go back to Gilda, anything for me to try him again. I shouldn't be thinking this: I have a wonderful special friend, Elusive. I love him, don't I? Alex is just a brother, nothing more, right? Am I lying to myself about one or the other? I'm not, am I? I'm the Element of Honesty, I should know when I'm lying. I am truly ashamed and hate myself for thinking such thoughts. * A feely is slang for a kind of pony prostitute who lets stallions touch her cutie mark for cash. A place where they ply their trade is called a touchy house. A stallion might say "I'm going to the touchy-feely tonight".