//------------------------------//
// The Toaster 
// Story: Meet, Greet, Party 
// by Mashmaster 
//------------------------------//

Pinkie Pie stood by Applejack as the Cutie Mark Crusaders secured the perimeter. It was clear to her that after Applejack's overreaction to the statue's appearance she just couldn't rely on anypony else to give a strange creature a proper welcome. That was a super important job and required somepony who was calm, collected and, most of all, responsible. Pinkie was all three of these things, obviously. 

She took the lollipop out of her mouth, "What's the situation AJ?"

"Like I said when I came and got you, I fell out of the sky, I hasn't moved and I haven't tried to attack me. Now are you gonna tell me why you insisted on changing into that costume?"

Pinkie looked over her sunglasses at the orange mare in worry. Normally AJ's so smart. "It's not a costume, silly. It's a uniform. Lots of jobs have a uniform." Then, of course, she worried about the way AJ was speaking. 

"I thought you worked for the Cakes?"

"Nope," said Pinkie as she turned to face the three approaching fillies, "it's just a hobby I get paid to do."

"We made that circle you wanted Pinkie." said Scootaloo tiredly as they arrived. Both of the older mares could clearly see the pink tape stretched haphazardly between the apple trees and when Applejack caught sight of some tape on the far side of the ring she nodded to Pinkie. "Can you tell us why we did it now. We know you said it was a secret but it might be easier to get our cutie-marks if we knew what we were doing."

"Sorry girls. That's a super-duper-double-secret. Actually, that's so secret that I want you all to pinky promise me that you won't tell anypony else. Cross your heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye." After the fillies did the actions to match the oath, Pinkie pulled three cupcakes from her jacket pockets. "Just like I promised, here's your cupcakes. Now I want you to go play in the clubhouse."

The Crusaders all pouted and Apple Bloom said "You mean we can't even play in the same field as you?"

"Of course you can but who will eat all the cupcakes I left back at the homestead?"

Upon bearing the words 'cupcake' and 'homestead' their minds were made up and the three, suddenly more energetic, fillies galloped off towards the farm. 

"What are you gonna do now?" said Applejack as she watched them go. Pinkie just raised her forehooves to her mouth and gave a long, piercing whistle and Applejack looked around in confusion, trying to see who the pink mare had called. She couldn't help but jump in fright when she finally spotted the statue standing directly beside her with a big pink box balanced on its arms. "I didn't even hear it that time." she said shakily. 

"Yep, we've been working on that. How else will I sneak him into town?" Pinkie pulled the box off of the statue, pulled the lid off and checked it's contents. Tools, check. First-aid stuff, check. Baked goods, check. She was ready. "AJ. If anything happens," Pinkie wheeled her party cannon out from behind a tree, "you know what to do." And with that she was off, merrily trotting to the centre of the ring. 

Applejack looked at the note attached to the cannon. "What the hay is a 'laughter shell'?"




Pinkie watched me from behind a nearby apple tree, trying to see if there was anything dangerous about me. "Take notes, Stony." she said to the statue as it stood in the open right next to her. "I appear to be a regular toaster. I'm a dull gray colour, like a really dull gray. I appear to be broken somehow. I don't look nasty right now." 

She turned to Stony the statue, "How are you going?" The pink mare pulled the scroll from its arm, ignoring the fact that it could hold both a scroll and a quill without hooves or fingers, and looked at the formless scribble that now adorned the page. She shrugged, he'd caught the gist of it. 

"I'm moving in." She slowly crept towards me. I really did look just like an ordinary toaster. A splitting image of Toasty Warm's cutie mark. I couldn't be a normal toaster, of course. Normal toasters don't fall out of the sky and startle farmponies, they just sit there and toast things. She lightly prodded me with her hoof. I'd lost a few parts on impact but the pieces looked like they'd still fit together well enough. 

"Screwdriver." 

The screwdriver flew through the air and embedded itself up to the handle in the soil. She'd often had to repair mechanical things back at Sugarcube Corner, the oven, the taffy maker, the flying machine. She'd actually built that last one while sleepwalking. Fixing me should be easy. She looked at the pieces on the ground. To any other mind it would have been the least intuitive puzzle ever. This didn't bother Pinkie. She didn't even know the meaning of the word 'intuitive'. 

She picked up the sparky bit and held it against the shiny thing, twisting two pretty coloured wires together as she did. It was prettier that way. Then she continued sticking parts into places based on convenience and colour until finally she was screwing my side casing on with the four remaining screws. Now was the moment of truth. 

"Bread".

This time Pinkie caught the loaf of bread with an outstretched hoof. She pulled two slices from the bag and slowly eased the slices into my slots. The way she pushed the plunger down was delicate, as if she were making confetti charges and not making toast with a possibly alien toaster. 

The good news was that my hot bits didn't burst into flames, rip a hole in time or not work at all. The bad news was that Pinky still hadn't found a reason why I had fallen out of the sky. Had a pegasus just dropped me into the middle of the field? Derpy didn't even do deliveries this far from town. 




Back at the perimeter, Applejack was still preparing for the worst. "...and then you determine the trajectory-"

"Hey Applejack!"

Applejack's head whipped around and she saw Pinkie and the statue standing behind her. 

"Turns out I was just a broken toaster," said the pink mare, "nothing to worry about."

Now, Applejack was used to Pinkie being Pinkie but saying that she was a toaster was completely unexpected. "Whaddaya mean you're a toaster, Pinkie."

"Not me, silly." she giggled as she turned to reveal me balanced on her back, "Me."

"Now listen here Pinkie. I'm a toaster. You're not a toaster."

"Silly Applejack. You're not a toaster and-"

Applejack cut Pinkie off with a hoof and looked cautiously at me. "I am a toaster. Tell me exactly what I just said Pinkie."

"'I am a toaster' but what does that..." she followed Applejack's gaze to me, "Oh. I'm causing some kind of weird mind things that make us say I instead of me. Ohmygosh! Do you think I'm dangerous?"

Applejack just leaned against the cannon and rubbed her temples. "No matter who you're talking about the answer is maybe. Any idea how we're gonna deal with this."




Dizzy Twister lay peacefully on her couch, enjoying her day off. With not a single noise to be heard in the house, aside from the occasional hoofsteps from upstairs, it was easy for her to just slip in and out of sleep as she read her book and basked in the sunlight that was flooding through the living room window. It was difficult working as a delivery mare, especially working the express jobs. And then there were the packages she delivered on the side to some less than reputable customers. Not that she'd been doing much of that lately. Not since-

There was a knock on the door. 

The surprised pegasus fell to the floor, sending her copy of Corona's Journey flying. She wasn't expecting anypony. The hoofsteps upstairs had stopped, no doubt she was thinking the same thing. Dizzy quickly recovered and cautiously opened the door. She definitely was not expecting to see Applejack and Pinkie Pie. The latter looked as serious as Dizzy had ever seen her. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and tie, black sunglasses and her poofy mane was tied back in a ponytail. 

"Heya Dizzy." said Pinkie, her happy nature conflicting with her attire. 

"Hi Pinky. Uh, would you like to come in?"

The three mares moved into the living room. It was only after they had all taken a seat that Dizzy realised what a mess it was. The other mares didn't seem to notice though. 

"Pinkie and I were really hoping we could speak to your sister about a problem of ours." said Applejack with a seemingly friendly smile. 

Dizzy began to sweat as she thought of the earth pony upstairs. "I don't know what you're talking about. Last I heard, Toasty was running from the Manehattan Hearts."

Pinkie giggled at the ill-advised name of the Manehattan Police Department. "Don't be silly Dizzy. I know she's been staying with you for the past month. Wait, she's not in any trouble is she?"

"Um. Of course not Pinkie. It's just..." she trailed off when she saw the way Applejack was scrutinising her. There was no way the Element of Honesty would believe one of her lies. "What exactly do you need her help with?"

"I can't tell you," said Pinkie, speaking around her lollipop, "it's super secret."

Could pinkie really be a G-Mare? The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. Her ambiguous relation to the Cakes. Her secret caches. Her in-depth knowledge of everypony, right down to their birthdays. But what did that make Applejack? Was she connected to the Appleoosa Rangers like her cousin? What was his name? Rug Burn? Why was she working with-

Dizzy mentally facehooved. 

The pieces were all falling into place. All of the elements worked for Celestia. The G-Mare, the ranger, the forester, the spy, overwatch and, last of all, their direct line to the princess. 

"Are you sure you can't tell me anything?"

Pinkie Pie, who had been noisily adjusting her lollipop throughout Dizzy's internal monologue, snapped to attention. "Okay, I'll tell you. We just want Toasty to look at me and see what she says. She could make my job much easier."

There was only one thing to do, "I'll, um, I'll go get her then."

As Dizzy turned the corner she tipped the bookcase across the hallway and galloped up the stairs. She didn't stop until she reached the other side of the house and opened the window. When she turned around she was faced with her twin. 

"Toasty, we're compromised! Grab the bits! Forget your bags!"

"What about the razzleberries?"

"Leave them! We can always get more!"

When Applejack and Pinkie Pie finally reached the second floor, all they saw was an amber earth pony riding an amber pegasus into the sunset. 




"I just don't understand, Twilight." said Pinkie before taking another bite of her sandwich "All I wanted was chat to Toasty about me."

After Dizzy and Toasty's sudden and mysterious flight from Ponyville, the two mares had come to the library for advice. Where else would you take a seemingly magical toaster. 

Twilight levitated some drinks over to Pinkie and Applejack as she left the kitchen. "I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding"

Applejack was about to say something when her ears pricked at the sound of the library's front door unlocking. The door burst inwards as a crazed blue pony ran in, snatched me from Pinkie's grasp and continued into Twilight's basement. The three mares had only begun to react as the basement door locked from the inside. 

They all got up and ran to the basement door and Pinkie rattled the doorknob. 

From the basement they heard a sudden, strange exclamation. "BueNO!"

"What the hay does that mean?" said Applejack as she attempted to buck the thick, wooden door open. 

"Finally! Someone whO KNOWS HOw to properly repair a to- to- toaster." The unknown voice sounded metallic and somehow artificial, like a recording.

"Twilight," Pinkie said, "is there somepony in your basement we should know about?"

"What? No. Applejack, move out of the way. I've got an idea."

Twilight's horn lit up as Applejack stepped aside. The purple mare didn't even blink as she prepared her spell. This had to be precise. There was no room for error. Her horn grew brighter as she struggled to focus entirely on what she had to do. 

"WHEre are you sti-i-i-cking that screwdriver?" said the mystery voice. 

Twilight braced herself as two spots of magic appeared on the side on the door and two more in front of her face. As she finally dropped the spell, two hinges clattered to the floor and the basement door fell towards them with an almighty crash. 

Pinkie was the first inside. Now, there were many blue ponies Pinkie would have expected to see down there, Pokey Pierce or Trixie for example, but the pony she found was completely unexpected. 

The pink mare racked her brain, trying to remember everything she could about a mare she hadn't seen in a very long time. "Screwloose?"

Screwloose barked. 

"Is that a dog! G-g-g-get it away frOM ME!"

Pinkie looked around the room for the source of the phantom voice as both Twilight and Applejack entered, with similar reactions. Screwloose, however, just went back to working on the toaster and, after she made a few adjustments, she screwed the cover back on.  

"Ah, good as new. You've done well, whoever you are."

There was no mistaking it now. The toaster was speaking. 

Twilight stepped forward, "Hello, uh, Mr. Toaster-"

"Twilight!" interrupted Pinkie, "You said 'toaster'!"

The toaster spoke up before Twilight could continue, "I can understand why that would surprise you. Let me begin by apologising for my abuse of my compulsion systems and the effects that may have had on your minds. I can assure you that won't happen again now that I have been fixed." 

None of the mares could speak at that moment as their mouths were frozen in disbelief. 

"Is that dog still here?" it added. 

Twilight gathered her wits. "That wasn't a dog, that was your... technician."

It was the toaster's turn to be silent for a moment. "Stranger things have happened."

Pinkie Pie snapped out of it and bounced up to the workbench, "Excuse me Mr. Toaster but how are you thinking and speaking and making us say silly things?"

"Well, Miss uh..."

"Call me Pinkie."

Well, Pinkie. What do you do for a man who can't be bothered to make breakfast in the morning?"

Applejack turned to Twilight and quietly said "What's a man?"

"You build him a toaster that makes him have breakfast. You make it tell him to have something to eat when he walks in. If he isn't in the mood for toast, change his mood with highly experimental, possibly dangerous, technology. I am the Experimental Emotion Toaster, or EET. Well, I'm the prototype and I can really only project one emotion. 'Toast bread'."

"But what's with all the 'me' stuff?" Pinkie asked, still confused. 

"I was trying to get someone's attention. Think about it. 'Hey, I can't talk about the toaster without using the first person and I have a sudden craving for toast. Maybe we should get a professional to take a look at it and maybe fix it up.'"




Dear Princess,
Twilight said I should write a letter to you about the weird things that have been happening lately and because I'm sooo responsible I wrote it myself. A couple of days ago a big statue fell into Sweet Apple Acres and really spooked Applejack but that's okay because he just wanted to hug her. We named him Stony Gaze. Today we found out that it might not be a one-time-deal because a psychic, talking toaster called Mr. Toaster fell out of the sky and startled Applejack. Twilight thinks they might have come from another world because Mr. Toaster keeps mentioning 'men' and we've never heard of them. I was kinda hoping you'd know what to do about this.
From the Ponyville party pony, Pinkie Pie

P.S. Don't worry. We've been keeping them a secret. 
P.P.S. Don't be angry but we had to say we were doing Crown business so that we could keep Mr. Toaster's technician in Twilight's guest room.