Bob put down the book he was reading, when the front door opened. It had been a week since Hearth’s Warming, and life went back to how it always was. Bob sits in the library, reads, or practices his guitar, and occasionally shows up to school. Sometimes Venice and Golden Arrow would show up at the library after school, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders also show up to check in on Bob.
For the most part, Bob remained reclusive, sometimes he would venture out to help Spike with grocery shopping, or just to go walk around at night. Today, it was Bob’s turn to watch the library while Spike and Twilight went out to have fun with their friends. Bob looked up from his book when an earth pony in a collar and tie around his neck. His brown coat was nicely complimented by the stallion’s well kept dark brown mane and tale.
“Ah, just the pony I was hoping to see.” The earth pony said as he approached Bob.
“What…?” Bob started eying the window. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before in my life.”
“I don’t believe you would’ve, but I know I’ve seen you around the school where my daughter goes. First,” the earth pony offered his hoof. “I am Filthy Rich, but you can just call me Rich, and I’m Diamond Tiara’s father.” Bob nodded while taking the hoof.
“Wow… you and Diamond Tiara are night and day.”
“I know, I get that comment a lot. I will admit that making sure my company stays afloat does subtract some time away from my daughter, so she’s not fully to blame for this. I would like to apologize for her, for what she said to you the last time you two talked. I heard her say… some horrible things to you, and that compared you to a stray dog.”
Bob shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what your daughter said, sir. It doesn’t really change my situation or make it worse. It was a hiccup that made me feel a little like shit, but that’s it.”
Filthy Rich shook his head. “I still wanted to stop by and apologize. I know you are more than intelligent, and deserve more than to be compared to a dog of all things.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “Everypony in town knows that you played every bit of music in the play the week before Nightmare Night. You played several instruments, sang and wrote a song for the play as well according to Ms. Sparkle…. With that said, you are certainly a talented… My apologies, I never caught what you are.”
“I’m a human, you can call me a boy or man.”
“Well, you’re a talented young man, and everypony agrees that you should've been acknowledged for the work you put in. However, I have a proposition for you.” Bob raised an eyebrow. “I would like you to perform a concert. Seeing you switch between a violin, and guitar and a set of drums sure would be interesting to watch, especially with your proficiency with each instrument.
“I’ll pay for the vendor, I'll rent you the instruments you want, and I’ll advertise the concert. You’ll get a small cut for working incredibly hard if you agree to this deal. I’ll get a majority due to how much money this will take.”
“And why do you want me to do this?”
“As an apology, and to do you some justice. An apology for letting my daughter harass and belittle you, and the whole town will finally see you playing. You will be able to perform in an audience, and Ponyville will get some entertainment. What do you say?”
“What if I put on a comedy show mixed with a concert? I could make a few ‘human jokes’, play a few songs. If the town likes me and treats me better because of this, then I’m down to do it. When’s the concert?”
“In a month, just after Winter Wrap up.” Both stallion and man shook hoof and hand, before going about their day.
A few days later, Bob found himself sitting in Cheerilee’s class. It was Show and Tell day, which happened once a week on Friday. He rested a hand in his palm as students walked up and showed something off from their home. The human had brought his guitar, since he was given the idea by the Crusaders during the weekend. “Bob, it’s your turn, if you would like to show anything… even if you really aren’t my student anymore.” Cheerilee said with a cheerful little smile. “I see you brought your guitar, perhaps you can show us it?”
“Oh yeah,” Bob said as he got to the front of the room and turned to face the class. “This here, I got while working at Apple Jack’s farm. I remember it like it was yesterday; it’s where I met my first friends,” the human said while pointedly staring at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “I was asked that day to help clean out Apple Jack’s basement, and since I did it pretty quickly, I got to keep this ol’ thing after I found it. It’s… really all I have, honestly, and it’s the one thing in this world that brings me some form of peace.” Bob strummed a few chords. “I may as well show you all what I usually do with it so… Here’s a song that has to do with Princess Luna, since she’s my best friend… The Moon is Made of Cheese.”
By the time Bob stopped singing, he was now snickering at all the confused looks in class while the Crusaders and Golden Arrow were snickering. “So, any questions?”
“Why are birds made of trees?” Dinky asked.
“I’ve explained that,” Bob smirked.
A random colt raised his hoof. “...Bob, did you sniff something in the library? We all know that Twilight is crazy, but-”
‘Hey, that’s my friend you’re talking about. No, being human comes with an odd side effect called ‘being clinically stupid’. Princess Luna approves of that song, by the way. I played it for her on Hearth’s Warming Eve and she laughed and promptly banned me from singing it.” On queue, since Bob spent the weekend coordinating this moment, Princess Luna broke down the classroom door. She was wearing a beanie and a white hoodie.
“Forgive us for allowing our human friend to play his stupid song. We shall take him to the dungeons!” She looked around and drooped a little when everypony in the room began shivering in fear of her. Even Cheerilee got to the ground and was cowering behind her desk. The human and Princess walked out of the door and the ladder was immediately pulled into a hug.
“Sorry Luna, I forgot about that…”
“‘Tis not your fault, Bob. Most of my subjects still do not accept me, and often only tolerate my public appearances when I am with my sister. I hope that will change soon, but,” Luna nuzzled the human. “It matters not, since you are still here for me.” Bob took a moment to see what Luna was wearing. On top of her usual regalia, Luna was wearing a cute, simple snow-white hoodie, along with socks, only on her hindlegs, that went up to her flanks. What really sold the outfit was the beanie on her head instead of a crown. Bob chuckled. “What, Bob? Is our-”
“No Luna, I’m not making fun of your plight. You just look adorable.”
“I am not adorable, I am supposed to be beautiful and regal…” She huffed. “No, I am not cute, either.”
“Yes you are,” Bob chuckled as the Princess smacked him in the back of the head with a wing, but didn’t continue to argue that point. “You know, somepony named Filthy Rich asked me to put on a show for him. Wanna come by when it starts? It’s just after Winter Wrap up, since it’s happening outside, and having a concert during winter just sounds like a disaster.”
“I would, I would have to switch my sleep schedule around to make it, but to see you perform in front of a crowd would be worth it. Now come, I know you set this up as an excuse for me to take you to my palace for a sleepover with you, myself, and Twilight and her friends. Let the fun multiply!” Luna knelt down to let Bob climb on her back and the two rode off through town in order to retrieve the unicorn and friends. Upon gathering their group, they all went to, at Luna’s insistence on trying it out, the train station.
Upon taking a seat, in a normal train car, Luna giggled. “I always wanted to see what it would be like to be a normal citizen upon my return. This… is almost as close as I can get. I can’t use the post office, since all my letters get sent through the Royal Mail Box since they must be reviewed, and most of the time, I am traveling by chariot or teleportation.” She clapped her hooves and sighed. “This is rather relaxing. The Royal Car is nice, but I hate using it sometimes. I…” She paused as Bob started scratching behind her ears. “Please keep scratching there, it feels really nice.”
Rarity took a seat across from the two. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I would assume that you two are in a relationship. You two would be such a cute couple!”
Luna’s nose scrunched up. “Bob is sixteen, as far as anypony knows, and the legal age of consent, even a thousand years ago, is eighteen. Bob wouldn’t even be considered a mature adult until twenty five. Meanwhile, I am nearly five thousand years old, and have picked up many lovers. I have even met the inventor of the snowflake and watched her grow up before I was sent to the moon. I have watched kingdoms rise and fall, some of which were at my hoof. If I were to date Bob, that would be disgusting and nearly predatory behavior.” She leaned into Bob’s hand more as it dipped around her neck and started for her chin. “I like Bob, but he is merely a friend; he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t find ponies attractive, even if his eyes did wander a bit while checking out my outfit.”
“You’re a pony wearing a hoodie, which is adorable. You are adorable; don’t argue, because I’ll keep saying it.” Luna promptly licked Bob in the eye. “AH! Fuck, woman! That still feels weird.”
“I’ll stop doing that to you when you stop calling me cute. Call Twilight Sparkle cute if you desire, but not me!” She leaned in and whispered. “Even if I still do appreciate being called cute. Sorry about the eye!” Both the human and Princess blew raspberries at each other… Then Bob blew a bunch into Luna’s neck and the entire car was filled with Luna’s laughter.
Once the group reached the castle, Luna quickly led them to her private chambers. Out of everyone there, Twilight was the only one to ever be inside of a Princess’s private chambers at all, and that was Celestia’s. Celestia’s chambers were rather simple, just a bed, a fireplace, and a bathroom. Luna’s looked like a full blown apartment, with a living room, a bathroom, a small kitchen which was really just a microwave and a sink, and even a closet. There was an office too. It was all made of dark, oak wood and was lined with light blue carpet. It felt very homely. Bob sat down on the couch and grinned up at a very irate Princess Luna.
“You did not need to tickle me that much, Bob. I really should throw you in the dungeons for that,” she hopped up on the couch and laid down across it. Now she was laying in the human’s lap.
“You won’t, because then you wouldn’t get any ear scratches from me.” Bob chuckled. The human didn’t have much in the way of possessions, or clothes, so it was just him and Luna while Twilight and her friends all got settled in. “Say Luna,” Bob asked. “If you have a whole staff team, that should be more than willing to bring food up to you, why do you have a microwave and a bunch of noodle cups?” Bob tilted his head. “Wouldn’t that take you away from night court, or any of your other duties to make, if you make your own stuff?”
“It does. As you should know, I can go through your dreams,” Bob raised an eyebrow. “How… did I not ever tell you that I can do that?!” Luna sighed. “Well, I can, and I often like to make sure foals are dreaming safely and soundly… until they see who is in their dream and start having nightmares again. Or I take care of the finances since our current financier takes too long to do anything right. I would say that it takes me away from my court, but nopony shows up…”
“So why… is everyone scared of you?”
“Bob, most of the castle staff fear me still. They don’t see the Luna you see, they see me only as Nightmare Moon.” Luna was quickly enveloped in light as she rolled off the couch. “This is what they see me.” The light dissolved and what stood before Bob made his jaw drop. Before him was a jet black mare that was just as tall as Celestia. Her mane and tail were very similar to Luna’s, even if they were a bit more wild. The human noted that the regalia he usually saw on Luna, in public, looked more like armor. She had snake-like eyes, fangs that could make a shark back away in fear, and she was giving a menacing little smile. “Well, Bob? Does this make you back away in fright?”
Bob got up and looked Nightmare Moon in the eye. “Ponies are scared of that?” Bob placed both hands on her cheeks and squished them. “That’s not too scary; I’ve seen worse and have heard of worse.” Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow. “There are these things in my world called movies. They’re like private plays that can happen in theaters too, but they’re pre-recorded… actually no, horror movies aren’t the worst thing I’ve seen. Humans are horrible; imagine the most efficient way to kill… let’s say every single pegasus on the planet. How would you do it?”
“I would… probably have them wiped out with an army, why do you ask?”
“...Man, the Germans would be laughing at you over that. So imagine a camp, which is more like a prison where you send ponies to, in order to not only get free labor, but as a punishment for existing. Now, imagine having a special thing called a shower, but instead of it being a large, communal shower, you get a bunch of people into a room and fill it with gasses that can kill you. Then, in order to get rid of the bodies, because those take up a lot of room, you promptly burn them right after. Now that is pure evil.”
“By the Night… You are so nice though, and humans-”
“Humans are a weird gray area, just like your ponies are, as I’ve come to understand. For instance, I found myself in this position because some of your subjects didn’t like me and would like to kill me. Meanwhile, Twilight’s family has been nothing but sweet to me. You have been nothing but sweet to me. We’ve all got skeletons in our closets, Luna. Sure, me stealing candy from a store isn’t as bad as you starting a war, but nobody’s perfect. Nothing good is perfect. It just happens that the minority of people in the world, that are assholes, are usually the loudest…” Bob backed away.
“And you kinda look like a badass as Nightmare Moon; it’s really cool, and you’re still squishy as fuck.” Nightmare Moon giggled before turning back into Luna.
“Such a profound way of thinking for somepony so young… You said I was squishy as Nightmare Moon. Are you implying that I am fat?”
“...No…” Bob reached out and squished Luna’s face. “You’re pleasantly squishy and fluffy, if that’s what you mean. Now come on, let’s go raid the Royal Kitchens and I’ll try and bake up some snacks for the sleepover.” Luna nodded and Bob let go of her, and the two of them left a note for the rest of their slumber buddies.
The castle was bustling, maids going here and there, delegates walked by ignoring their assigned maids, guards were strewn about… standing guard. A few of them would nearly jump into action whenever Bob so much move an arm, or sneeze, while most of the ponies that weren’t guards stopped and cowered in fear at the sight of Luna, and would soon move to the other end of the hallway upon seeing who was in her company.
Bob sighed as he noted how the kitchen’s staff, as soon as the pair entered, fled. “Man, you weren’t exaggerating were you?” A cowering chef crawled out from under a food prep table and ran past.
“HELP! NIGHTMARE MOON’S CONTROLLING THE BEAST!” The mare shouted as she ran by.
…
…
…”The fuck was that about?” Bob asked.
Luna glared at the ground. “Insolent fools,” she grumbled. The two shrugged and got to work. Luna mostly just sat and watched, since she had little experience in actually cooking anything. Bob just slipped a tray of brownies into an oven and quickly started mixing up some guacamole. He hummed as he stuck a tortilla chip in and taste tested it. “Eeyup, that’s guacamole.” Bob pulled a tray of cookies out of the oven right afterwards.
“You… know how to multitask in a kitchen?”
“My brother worked in a bakery, Luna, guess who got to help him out? Or learnt everything he learnt,” Bob chuckled. “I barely know what I’m doing, but following a cook book isn’t too hard-no touchy the cookies-“ Bob lightly smacked Luna on the nose. “Plus baking brownies and cookies is pretty easy since they mostly have the same stuff in them-Fucking Luna!”
Luna had successfully stolen a cookie and yelled when it was still too hot to eat. She cooled it off with magic and stuffed it back in her mouth. She hummed and grabbed another only to be sprayed with water. “Bad Luna, bad.”
“Bob, do you dare tell your Princess no?”
“If I don’t tell her no, she’ll eat all the cookies that were meant to be for a slumber party.”
“Can I try that green stuff then? I’ve never seen it before.”
“How… Do you not know what guacamole is?” Bob shook his head and dipped a chip in the bowl and offered it to Luna. She ate it right out of his hand, before promptly licking his hand for any stray guacamole. “I am going to spoil the hell out of you with human snacks.” Bob giggled. The door slammed open and Celestia walked in with her horn lit… she stopped in surprise when what was happening.
Luna was licking Bob’s hand like a dog, and the human was giggling like a filly.
“Greetings sister,” Luna scowled for a moment before putting on a poker face fit for a Princess. “What are you doing in the Royal Kitchens? It is rare that you even walk in here.”
“I was coming to see what the head chef was screaming about. He interrupted Day Court to tell me about…” Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “Nightmare Moon and her Knight.” She looked around. “Is there any reason why you two are raiding the Royal Kitchens instead of requesting food be sent up to your room? I am aware that you are hosting a slumber party with the rest of Bob’s friends, and-”
“Princess,” Bob cut Celestia off. “Why is Luna eating instant noodles in her room? She had a sink and a microwave, which is really all you need for ramen, and Luna had several cases of the stuff. Given how Luna at least helps out with half the kingdom, don’t you think it’s a bit unfair that she’s eating motherfucking spicy vegetable flavored cups of noodles?” The human asked. “Or how when Luna picked me up from school, my entire class was scared of her? Or how people were running to YOU for help because Luna wanted to help me cook stuff for our friends?”
“...Luna, are you seriously eating instant-”
“Yes sister, aside from my nightguards, most if not all castle staff run in fear of me. My own personal maid, the one you hired specifically to help take care of me quit within a day of seeing me. She quit after seeing my weakened form, where I was barely the size of an average unicorn. The same form where I could barely even use my magic. She was the only one I could ask for anything, and she left. As for the concerns of Chef Beet,” Luna nodded to Bob. “Bob has shown me a human dish called guacamole, and I quite enjoy it. As it turns out, I was correct in offering Bob a job as the Royal Pastry chef; he is quite prolific preparing baked goods… Even if I am a bit unknowledgeable in doing the same.”
“I can recreate what my brother showed me. Brownies? Easy. Fruit Cake? Literally a piece of a cake. Some cookies? That’s also pretty easy. Ask me to make a fancy wedding cake? Nah, I can’t do that. Hell, I’m lucky that I’ve not burnt anything yet… Don’t let Pinkie know that I can bake, or she will ask me, to no end, that I can bake-JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” Bob yelped and fell on his butt as Pinkie jumped out of the oven holding the tray of brownies, barehoofed, while chewing on one.
“I already know, silly! I was waiting for an excuse to help out and learn some cool, super awesome, totally fantastic human baking methods!”
“What the actual- no, you hopped out of a candy wrapper before, I’m not going to question how, and just accept the fact that you do not abide by physics.”
“And I’ll ignore you not telling anypony that you could bake, because you rub my belly so much! You know, you’re better at baking than you are at singing, but-”
“We were having a talk with my sister, Pinkie Pie. If you would-”
“Don’t worry, Lulu! Auntie Pinkie already knows… I prepared cupcakes. See you at the slumber party!” Pinkie jumped through a random portal after snatching a cookie from the now dwindling pile of treats.
Bob took a few deep breaths before chuckling. “Fuck, that mare scares me sometimes. She’s sweet, but she was in a fuckin’ oven!”
“Well, Twilight did warn me to not look into Pinkie’s antics, as it even broke her when it came to understanding Pinkie Pie,” Celestia hummed. “I quite like Pinkie; I’ll have to ask her to help out with a few pranks.” She took a deep breath before turning to Bob. “I know the two of us aren’t on the best of terms.”
“That is a severe understatement, your highness. I don’t even want to call you that anymore, but I can’t call you Celestia. I don’t want to, and if I do, I’m accepting you as a friend. I drop honorifics with Luna because she’s my best friend,” his glare turned playful as he casted it to the Moon Princess, who was sampling a brownie. “Because she licks my eye on occasion, like an ass.”
“Now Bob,” Luna said in a very Princess-esk manner: with chewed up brownie in her mouth. “There are some nice donkeys out there. Pay them some respect.”
“Oh, so you know some human swears?”
“You only use them in every letter because you realize that I am a grown mare.” She clapped her hooves. “Oh how I love reading those letters, much better than all those overly formal letters from the griffins or the minotaurs. Which made your letters less formal when I told you that I preferred your casual letters.” They both giggled. They both turned to Celestia. “So why did you assume my best friend would poison me of all mares? Twilight Sparkle was there as well, and since I’ve wavered his crimes, the two of them are apparently best friends as well. Are you that scared that Bob held a grudge against you? Bob is a rather blunt individual, if he doesn’t like you, you would’ve known.”
“It’s… hard to read his expressions; I’ve never seen a human before so I couldn’t pick up on body language very quickly. The eyes-”
“Your highness, stop trying to cover your ass. You just don’t like me.”
“It’s hard for me to like you, okay? It’s hard to imagine that the child in front of me was responsible for hurting ponies either directly, through self defense, or by taking bread that was meant to go to orphanages-”
Luna clamped Celestia’s jaw shut with her magic. “Sister, please… what was the phrase, shut the fuck up? Am I using that phrase correctly, Bob?” The human gave a thumb’s up. “Bob gave you the benefit of the doubt, and you did not do likewise. I acted as a foal, because I know Bob finds it adorable, and so you two would interact more while watching me have fun on Nightmare Night. Bob talked about giving you a belly rub if you held to your word and treated him well. And since you wouldn’t give my human the benefit of a doubt, neither shall I. Good day sister, you best wish upon a shooting star that Bob somehow forgives you, because I doubt he will.”
“I can speak for myself,” Bob pouted as Luna carried two trays of brownies, two trays of cookies in her magic, and a bowl of chips and various ‘chip dips’ on her back.
“I am aware, but you can’t make my sister shut up. I know this is a tactic my sister picked up, due to nearly everyday of both of our lives being revolved around politics. She will make an excuse, no matter how easy it is for me to see through, if she believes the excuse would sell. I know my sister, I know she could probably tell what you’re thinking by looking you in the eye, and I also know that she knows she messed up on Hearth’s Warming Eve of all times of the year. She’s just trying to find some way to salvage any form of friendship with you, from this, to make me happy.”
“...She isn’t interested in being my friend because I’m me, but because you wanted her to?”
“I asked her to genuinely give you a chance. I quite enjoy having you around, and I wanted to be able to spend time with two of my favorite ponies in the world at the same time, I hope that when you're older that you’ll see ponies…”
“You wanna date me when I’m legally available?”
“I would, but I also know your boundaries, and you only find ponies cute, not attractive.”
“Well, you are cute… please don’t lick my eye again, it feels weird when you-” Luna licked his cheek. “Why can’t you do that more? instead of licking my eye?”
“Because, I wanted to make you smile, and I succeeded. You love it when I groom you and lick you like I am a dog.”
“...Doesn’t acting like a dog feel degrading-”
“It’s not the most degrading thing I have done. I was used as… a slave to pleasure a griffin that had captured me. That was degrading. What is with that look on your face?”
Bob’s eyes were big and watery now. If he were a pony, tears would be falling like waterfalls. “You were… being used for sex?”
“I was. It took Celestia three weeks to rescue me.”
“...Luna, what-”
“I move past it, as that was nearly two thousand years before I got sent to the moon. It hurts to think about it sometimes, but I know I’ll live. I personally got to execute that griffin with a guillotine.”
Bob took three steps a little quicker than usual, got in Luna’s way, and hugged her. She squeaked for a moment before accepting it. “I’m glad you moved past that, but I still feel bad for hearing that you’ve been through that. Just let me hug you a bit longer.” After a moment, the two of them kept marching towards their slumber party.
“As for your question, Bob, the first one. Ponies generally lick and groom each other when they either are mates, or very close friends. You are my best friend, and it happens that your planet also shares dogs. So instead of the single lick of affection… I’ll lick you several times, just like a dog. It’s worth it; you’re salty, and you like it and I get a few ear scratches right afterwards. Trust me, if I thought that acting as a dog was degrading, I wouldn’t let you pet me.” They stopped in front of Luna’s personal chambers and took a deep breath.
“Be ready, I bet Pinkie’s gonna surprise us, and label it. “Bob’s first party, welcome to Ponyville, welcome to Canterlot-blah, blah, blah.”
“Three thousand bits says she doesn’t.” Bob shrugged and agreed.
It turns out that was exactly what the banner, that wasn’t there before, had exactly what Bob said, written into it. “Hey Bob! I know you were hoping for a first party party, a Ponyville, congrats on being a citizen of Equestria, a ‘your first play party’, a Nightmare Night party, and a welcome to Canterlot party, but I ran out of space on the banner to write on. So… I hope it’s still good. Is it?”
It was still a slumber party, just Pinkie hung a banner and set cupcakes up.
“Yeah, yeah it is.” As soon as the snacks were placed on the coffee table, Luna presented Bob with a brown bag.
“What’s this?”
“Three thousand bits. You won our bet. You can buy a small, humble house and buy groceries for four and a half years without ever having to work throughout that. I was going to give it to you anyway, should you want to move out of Twilight’s house. If not… you have three thousand bits.”
“Luna, why do you keep making me love you more and more?”
“Because…” Luna turned into a form Bob hadn’t seen before. She was smaller, around Twilight’s size, and was a lighter shade of blue. “I am adorable, and this is my master plan… for making you give me chin scratches. Please give me a chin scratch, it’s been bothering me all day.”
“You don’t gotta do much to make me wanna scratch your jaw, and that form is just demanding that it be scratched down.” Bob, Luna, and the rest of the Elements laughed and told stories that night. They were… enjoying themselves. Meanwhile, in the west-most tower of Canterlot Castle, Celestia sat alone, staring off into the night sky. She sighed; Luna stopped visiting her after Hearth’s Warming, and Twilight didn’t even bother visiting her before the slumber party she had with Bob and Luna…
Celestia was alone, and it was her own fault. She laid down and cried herself to sleep.