//------------------------------// // Scurvy Bilge Rats // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Earlier After climbing down the ladder into the sewer system, Scootaloo’s senses were assaulted from every direction.  The stench coming from down here was unlike anything the small pony had ever experienced.  Immediately tears formed and poured from the small pegasus eyes.  So overpowering was the stink she almost didn’t hear Sweetie Belle’s voice from up ahead of her. “Rimshot!  Rimshot, come back!” The orange pony heard Rimshot’s diminishing bark bounce off the tunnel walls. “Scootaloo?  Scootaloo, are you okay?”  Apple Bloom asked. The little pegasus blinked and wiped her irritated eyes with her hoof.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I’m fine.  I think it’s the sewer gas.  It’s getting to me.”   “Ya ain’t the only one,” Applebloom muttered.  “This place stinks worse than the pig pens back on the farm.” “Aye.  That’s the Hydrogen Sulfide ya be smelling,” Pipsqueak said in his pirate persona.  “It not be fatal in small doses, but in large we could be swimming with the fishes.” Diamond Tiara gave the small foal a glare. “You can drop the pirate gimmick, nerd.  Everypony else here ditched their costumes when this mess started.” The little pony shrugged.  “Maybe ye should mind your own apple cart, ya scurvy bilge rat.” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had to fight very hard not to laugh outright at Pip’s commentary. “What!?” Diamond Tiara shrieked.  The pink pony whirled around to stare daggers at the upstart pretend pirate. Apple Bloom carefully worked her way between the two ponies and pushed them away from each other.  The five young Equestrians were standing on a concrete service ledge.  The platform was just wide enough for a normal-sized pony to walk across without having to go swimming in the river of muck.  “Keep it down ya two,” hissed the earth pony.  “If the trolls hear us down here, our gooses are cooked.” “Hmph.”  Diamond Tiara stuck her snout up in the air.  “Whatever.”  The prissy pony made her way up to where Sweetie Belle stood waiting for the rest of the group to catch up.  The white unicorn was providing enough soft green light for everypony to see where they were going but not anymore than that.  And even what little light Sweetie Belle could produce was tempermental and flakey.  “What happened to that weirdo’s dog?”  asked Diamond Tiara. “His name is Rimshot,” Sweetie Belle hissed.  None of the little ponies were adjusting well to being in the sewers, but it seemed like the little unicorn was having a worse time than the others.  The smell was messing with her concentration, distracting her so that her magic was not nearly as effective.  “He’s up ahead.  I don’t know why he took off.  He must have smelled something.”  Diamond Tiara was about to ask how the dog could smell anything besides sewage down here, but then she remembered just how badly a troll actually smelled.  An average troll smelled like fermenting apples that had been sprayed by a rabid skunk.  The pink pony shook her head at the thought.  Nope, it was worse than that.  This theoretical skunk had eaten nothing but limburger cheese for the last year. Diamond Tiara squinted into the dark tunnel, but she couldn’t see a thing outside Sweetie Belle’s tepid light.   “Y’all hear that?” asked Applebloom.    The spoiled pony blinked and listened.  A low skittering noise was slowly approaching the group of ponies.  Diamond Tiara gulped.  What was it?  Was it a midget troll? Two midget trolls?  Or worse yet, was it a dirty, disgusting rat?  The pink pony tensed as the rest of her classmates brought up their weapons to bear on the unknown target.  She could feel the ponies in back crowding her to get a better shot at whatever was coming.  Hesitantly she brought up her own tiny water pistol. “Don’t shoot unless y’all can see something,” whispered Applebloom. The noise maker paused for a few moments, and all was silent until a new sound was heard.   “Bark.  Bark.” Diamond Tiara sighed in relief.  “It’s just the dog.” “Shhhhhh,” Scootaloo brought a hoof up to her lips, her aim never wavering.   The pink earth pony gave the pegasus a weird look before remembering that the trolls could mimic any voice they wanted, even dog voices, probably. The skittering resumed, drawing ever closer.  The group of ponies held their fire until the newcomer was just outside Sweetie Belle’s range of light. The Crusaders and their allies held their collective breaths as the figure stepped into the sickly green light.   What emerged was the missing beagle holding something in its muzzle.  Just to be on the safe side Diamond Tiara shot the dog with a couple squirts from her water pistol.  She had expected the Crusaders and Pipsqueak would have a cat over shooting the weirdo’s pet, but no pony said a word.  In fact, she noticed everypony in the party had shot Rimshot at least once with their milk weapons.  The dog did not seem to mind.  He just shook himself dry and padded forward.            The ponies surrounded the canine.   After several seconds of petting and telling the dog not to go off on his own like that ever again, they noticed the object in Rimshot’s mouth.  “Whatcha got there, boy?”  Pipsqueak asked.  The beagle gently laid the unknown item down on the ground and backed away.  Sweetie Belle brought her horn close to the concrete to get a better look.  Sure enough to everypony's horror, it was a small wooden doll.   “Is that . . .” Scootaloo trailed off. “Aye.  That be a Royal Guard,” Pipsqueak finished.  The little foal turned his attention from the fearful expression plastered on the soldier’s face to Rimshot.  “Where’d ya find this, boy?” Rimshot gave out a quiet bark and set out back the way he’d just came. The five ponies followed the beagle down the dark, maze-like tunnels of the sewer until the dog stopped by a large brown puddle of goo. Diamond Tiara wrinkled her nose.  This was not the first time she’d encounter the remnants of a troll but each time was just as disgusting as the last.  “Gross,” she murmured.   “What's that over there?” Applebloom asked.   Sweetie Belle swung her horn over to where her friend was pointing. Not far away from the oily mess of melted troll parts was a standard issue guard pony sword coated in pink yogurt.  A few feet away from the sword were several opened dairy products from the Ponyville General Store.  Diamond Tiara frowned.  “What’s going on?  Why are guard ponies and trolls fighting down here?” “If I had to guess, I think this is where Twilight stored a lot of the milk stuff.  The trolls must have found it,” ventured Scootaloo.  “Guys, over hear,” Sweetie Belle called.  “Check this out.”  The rest of the ponies and Rimshot followed the little unicorn into a large maintenance room.  The unassuming space had been transformed into a weapons depot for the Equestrian defenders.  Milk, butter, yogurt, even ice cream had been brought down here for the ponies to rearm and reequip their dairy weapons.   Applebloom’s eyes widened.  “Whoa.  When you’re right, you’re right Scootaloo.  There’s a whole lotta Troll-Be-Gone in here.” Pipsqueak frowned at the cache of dairy products.  “Aye, but somepony or some troll is eventually going to come back for this stuff.  Let’s take what we can and hoist anchor.” The five ponies quickly restocked their depleted stocks of dairy weapons.   While refilling her water pistol Diamond Tiara looked up as if trying to peer past the layers of concrete, earth, and stone above her.  “Do you think Fort Botswana is still holding off the trolls?”  Sweetie Belle glanced upward.  “I hope so.  If anyone can beat the trolls, it’s Ernest.” The spoiled pony frowned, “Where did you meet that . . . that . . . human thing?  I’ve never seen anything like Ernest before in my life.” “We met him in the Everfree Forest close to Zecora’s place,” said Scootaloo.  “We were practicing for Nightmare Night when we saw him and Rimshot trying to fix his truck.  Gosh, I love that thing.  Ernest gave me his truck after we kidnapped him for turning us into . . . uh . . . what’s the word?” “Freaks,” supplied Sweetie Belle.  “He shouldn’t have taken those enhancement potions from Zecoera.”  The little unicorn sounded bitter at the memory.  But then she brightened, “It all worked out okay though.  He did save us from those timber wolves.”     Diamond Tiara blinked.  “Okay, this I gotta hear.  How’d he do that?”  The Crusaders never got to answer Diamond Tiara's question.  Rimshot was standing watch at the room’s entrance growling a throaty warning to the ponies.  Sweetie Belle throttled the magic coursing through her horn and plunged the room into darkness.  “Hide,” she whispered.   The five ponies took cover behind the scattered milk crates and dairy boxes found throughout the room.   “Rimshot.  Rimshot, come here, boy,” coaxed Diamond Tiara.     Rimshot growled for a few more heart beats before hunkering down beside the pink pony.  The beagle gave a surprised whimper when a box came down over his head.   “Shhh,” hissed Diamond Tiara as the two hid underneath their cardboard protection. Moments later the guttural voices and pounding feet of the trolls could be heard echoing down the sewer tunnels.  ************************** “Okay, big guy.  Take a right up there by that trash heap, and we should be getting close,” said Rotag ed Eert.  The small troll recalled the location of the captured Equestrian milk cache with ease.  “And mind the lights.  The last swinging lantern on a chain nearly took my head off.”    “Sorry, sir,” huffed the tree-armored troll. “Don’t worry about it.  Just be careful.”  From his improvised saddle on the back of the enormous brute, Rotag affectionately slapped the shoulder of this companion.   Like all of the big troll’s brothers and sisters this beast of a creature was huge, but this monster of a troll was a giant among giants.  In fact he had to duck down and crouch in these tunnels or risk braining himself every few steps with either a rusty pipe or dislocated masonry.  But, unfortunately, the bruiser’s arms were withered, stubby, malformed things that flopped about uselessly. His fingers were no better.  They were more akin to claws than the workable appendages of a true troll.  Rotag ed Eert didn’t have the foggiest idea as to why this particular troll had been birthed with such severe deformities, but the hulk made the perfect vehicle.  He was nearly as tall and muscular as Lord Iarumas but had the intelligence and guile of a bag of hammers.  That was fine with Rotag.  He liked his servants loyal and brave, everything else could be improvised.  The goliath would have gone in the first wave of attackers to soak up the ammunition of Worell’s weapon.  But Rotag had seen a higher value in the massive troll as his bodyguard and transportation rather than as cannon fodder.    Turning around in his harness, the smaller troll yelled, “We’re almost there!  Drinks are on me tonight, boys. ” Several yards behind the midget was a bat-winged flier and another spell slinger.  Both trolls were struggling in the sewer tunnels to keep up with their muscle-bound cousin.  The flier was using his wings like another pair of legs, moving a lot like a primate with an eating disorder.  Every so often the troll would let out a brief squawk and adjust course to avoid running into the sewage or his ally.  If Rotag had to guess, it was some sort of radar mechanism located in the troll’s brain.  It was curious that all the bat trolls had excellent vision and could see fine in the dark.  This one though was as blind as the current troll leadership to the army's tactical situation.  Why in Trantor’s name was the army being pulled out of the town?  Even if another Equestrian relief force was coming would it not be better to fight them in the city then in the apple forest?  Rotag shrugged; it wasn’t his call.  But no troll seemed to be in a hurry to destroy the milk stores that the trolls had won with their blood, spit, mucus, and other fluids.  He would be damned if he let the ponies have so much milk back for free.  The bat troll felt the same way and had volunteered to accompany Rotag into the tunnels.  Besides, he had nothing better to do since the rest of his squadmates had been liquified in the final assault on City Hall.       Rotag turned his attention to the last troll in his entourage.   An obese mage was utilizing his magic abilities to manipulate his gut into becoming as weightless as possible.  Rotag had seen many things in his short life, but the sight of this fat troll huffing and puffing down a sewer ledge made life worth living.  You couldn’t pay for entertainment like that.  That being said, the mage was as dangerous as they came. Rotag saw the spell slinger polymorph a dozen wolves and bears into cockroaches while the army was on the march from the corrupted tree to the town.  The wizard only recently recovered from the expenditure of so much magic at one time.  Rotag had bribed the mage into coming down in the tunnels with him in exchange for promising to teach the other magic user how to conjure chaos magic.  Granted, he had no clue if chaos magic could be taught to a traditional spell slinger, but both he and the mage were willing to try. Each one of these trolls under his command was a flawed diamond in the rough, but diamonds nonetheless.  And at the end of the day, he was proud to lead this motley crew of misfits.  They also reminded Rotag that he too was far from the idea of a true troll   Rotag was of that first and cursed generation of trolls that had erupted from the ground to speartip the invasion.  He looked down at himself with disgust.  He was an abomination with his dwarf body, fur coat, and bushy tail. He did not blame Lord Rabuf for his appearance.  His missing master had used what he could to birth the first trolls in Equestria in over a thousand years. In fact he should have been grateful to have been born at all.  What Rabuf did shouldn’t have worked.  It takes five child dolls of the same sentient species to make trolls.  If that wasn’t the case, this whole planet would have been swarming with mutant trolls.  Rotag shook his head and pushed those thoughts away and focused on the task at hand.  They were close to the cache.   “Okay, Diuqs, slow down.  You see those puddles of troll kin up ahead and all those milk cartons?  That’s our stop.” “You got it, boss.” Diuqs slowed his pace and came to a stop just in front of the maintenance hall that kept the milk supplies.  Rotag untied himself from his makeshift saddle and with a snap of his fingers had disappeared and reappeared in a pile of troll filth. Diuqs laughed heartidly and pointed.  “Boss, look where you’re standing.  You’re standing in . . .” “I’m standing in one of my cousins.  Yeah, I know.  I should have been paying more attention.” Seconds later the other two members of the troll exertion force had arrived.  As soon as they stopped, the obese mage fell to his knees and gulped down several lungfuls of air before speaking.  “Sweet Trantor, I thought my heart was going to shart itself back there.” Rotag smiled at the mage.  “Feeuq, I don’t know what to tell ya.  We literally just ran 100 yards and I feel fine.” Feeuq pointed a long black fingernail at his diminutive kin.  “You rode this whole way.” Rotag shrugged.  “I sure did.  And I have to tell ya, it was phenomenal.  Much better than running.  I’m sure Diuqs would have carried you.  Wouldn’t ya Diuqs?” “No,” said the goliath.   The furry dwarf smiled.  “Well, apparently not.  Besides, you need the exercise.  Have you seen yourself lately?” Feeuq puffed himself up even more, leaning heavily on his gnarled staff.  “I told you it’s gas.  It’s Arterial Blood Gas.  It’s a real thing; look it up.  And I have a metric f&*k ton of it in me.  And you said your chaos magic would help fix my condition.” Rotag bowed slightly to the mage.  “I said I would try, and I’m a troll of my word.  So the sooner we get this job done, the sooner we can start . . . uh . . . what’s the word I'm looking for . . . purging I guess.  That’s the number one idea I’m getting right now.  We’ll see how it goes.”   Before anyone could make a move towards the tunnel, the bat troll held up a gloved hand.  “Wait.” The trolls froze in place.   “What’s up, Ypeep?  Ya smell something?” asked Rotag. The bat troll inhaled and savoried the aroma.  “I smell ponies.” Rotag paused.  “You mean, opossums?  We talked about this before coming down here.  We all agreed we’d call them opossums like our lord and savior Rabuf had done.  Trantor bless his black soul.” Ypeep shrugged, “I’m more of an old testament troll, and I’m telling you that there are ponies around here.  Their scent is fresh.”  “Fresh meat?” asked Diuqs hopefully.  “I’m starving.”   Rotag pointed up at his subordinate.  “Diuqs, no.  No, we will not have another incident like we had with that family of skunks.  We’re trolls, not savages.” The goliath looked down at his feet.  “Sorry, boss.” Rotag turned his attention to the grounded flier.  “Okay, can you do the shriek and give me a count?” The lanky troll nodded and gave a short sharp yell into the maintenance room.  After a couple seconds the flier replied, “Four intruders in the center of the hall.  They’re trying to hide but are doing a poor job of it.  They’re small.  Fillies and colts if I had to guess.” This bit of news caused the other trolls to exclaim in wonder.  It was a miracle that this town had any younglings left in it.  The fact that there were four down here was too good to be true, but at the same time too tempting an opportunity to be ignored.  Rotag pulled at his goatee in thought.  After a moment he smiled and said, “Okay.  I got us a plan.”  He looked up at Feeuq, “I need you to make a flare spell to light up that room.” Feeuq looked uncomfortable.  “Yeah, but that will put me out of the fight for a good 10 minutes at least.  Also won’t that ruin our night vision too?” With a snap of Rotag’s clawed fingers four pairs of sunglasses materialized around the faces of the assembled strike force.  “Got ya covered,” Rotag said smugly.  “And don’t worry. I’m sure the three of us can take care of every opossum in that tunnel.” Ypeep cracked his neck and then his knuckles in anticipation of the coming fight.  “If I were them, I couldn’t have picked a better spot to hold out against the likes of us,” said Ypeep.  “They know we’re here and they know we’re coming for them.   When this is over, either we come out of that tunnel with four dolls or we’re not coming out.” Rotag nodded, “You’re preaching to the choir, brother.  Too bad our magic can’t protect us from the utter juice but milk cuts through our magic like piss through snow.  Which is why we’re going to do this quickly.  Feeuq blinds them while the rest of us go in there and doll those four while they’re still blind and disoriented.”  The diminutive troll paused and said, “If any of you have a better idea let me know.  We came here to get rid of this milk cache by any means necessary, but I am not passing up four kid dolls.” “We could just cause a cave in and bury everything in there,” said Diuqs.  “Come back for the kids later.” All eyes turned on the enormous troll.  Rotag was impressed with the brute’s thinking.  He had considered that option, but the kids needed to be alive to be of use.  Once the soul left the body there was no point in making dolls.  “That’s not a bad idea, Diuqs.  But those kids in there need to be alive to be valuable.  If we just had one more child, that would be enough to fire up the Tree to make more trolls.  So we can’t kill those kids.  We need them alive and dolled up.”     The goliath nodded in agreement.  “You got it, boss.” ************************** Diamond Tiara clung to Rimshot trying in vain to keep his growling under control.  “Quiet, you,” she whispered.  “They’ll hear us with that racket you’re making.” Moments ago the pink pony had heard at least a few different troll voices outside the tunnel.  She couldn’t actually tell how many trolls were out there.  To be honest, they all kind of sounded similar save for one.  There was a troll out there that sounded a lot like a chipmunk or a squirrel.  She wasn’t surprised by this.  The first wave of trolls that had assaulted Ponyville had been made up of furry, nasty looking midget beast monsters.  She shivered. In many ways they were worse than the big trolls.  At least you could see the big ones coming.  The little ones could literally appear behind you without warning.  She was kind of surprised there were any of those type of trolls left.   Rimshot started to squirm and growl again after the trolls were done talking.   “Be quiet, you mutt.  Do you want to be turned into a doll?  If they know we’re underneath this box, we’re done for.” That got through to the dog.  The beagle gave a low whimper and sank to the ground.  In spite of the situation, Diamond Tiara felt guilty for making the dog feel bad.  But at least the canine was silent for now.  She closed her eyes and tried to block out the smell of milk-wet mutt, pony crap, and damp cardboard.  It was tough, but after a few seconds of concentration, she heard something.  A cold shiver ran down her back as she recognized the sound.  She had heard it enough last night to have become very familiar with it.  It was the sound of snapping fingers.  The sound a midget troll would make before casting some serious magic.  As quietly as she could, she let go of Rimshot and grabbed her water gun, expecting at any moment the trolls would pick up her box and grab her.  What happened next was far worse. From underneath her box she heard a loud pop followed swiftly by a blinding light.  Like a lightning strike the light was so bright that it momentarily dispelled the darkness in the pony’s impromptu shelter.   The startled cries and screams of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pipsqueak reverberated through the tunnel. “Ahhh can’t see!” cried, Apple Bloom.  “They’re here.  Spray and pray!”  answered, Scootaloo.  “They--.” The ponies' voice was abruptly cut off and the sharp short crack of wood dropping on stone filled the air. Diamond Tiara would have covered her ears to block out the horrifying reality of what was happening outside her cardboard refuge.  But to do that, she would have had to lay down her weapon, and that was something she would not do. The noise of battle was over almost as suddenly as it started and all was quiet.  From the otherside of the box the high pitched midget troll said something.   And at the crucial moment Rimshot let out a mournful howl of remorse.       ************************** Rotag, looked around the now silent tunnel and smiled.  In his clawed hands were two dolls that represented the souls of two young ponies.  In the clutches of Ypeep were the other two dolls.  The plan had gone off without a hitch like he had thought it would.  After stowing the dolls in his pack, the small troll produced a green cigar made of nasty smelling leaves rolled in parchment.  He stuck it in his mouth and said,  “Boys, I love it when a plan comes together.”  From underneath a nearby milk box a loud baying yowl filled the now darkening tunnel.  The raid had been so quick that Feeuq’s flair spell was only now starting to die down.  The three trolls in the tunnel looked at each other in confusion.    “What was that?” asked Feeuq from the hall entrance. Rotag with a snap of his fingers made all the sunglasses disappear.  He chewed on his cigar for a moment before answering.  “Sounded like a dog whose pet person just died.  Diuqs, check it out.” The enormous troll hesitated.  “Uh, boss.  Don’t dogs bite?  That sounded like a big dog underneath there.” Rotag sighed.  “You’re a troll, Diuqs.  What the heck can one flea-bitten cur do to you?  I’ll tell ya what.  You did good today.  You can eat it.” “I can?” asked the huge slab of troll, hopefully. “Sure, why not?” Ypeep eyed the box suspiciously.  “Why is there a dog down here?” Rotag shrugged.  “Who cares. It probably got lost.  It won’t be around long enough to bother us.  You got the crackers?”    The blind troll nodded.  The flier reached within his leather armor to produce a pair of small green hexagonal devices.  At the top of the haphazard contraptions were black fuses.  Ypeep tossed the two explosives underhanded to his leader. Rotag caught the two homemade bombs and eyed them for any obvious defects.  “Ah, the latest in troll R and D.  I’m surprised they didn’t blow up when I caught them.”  Finding nothing wrong, he turned his attention to his mount/bodyguard.   Diuqs was at the box and was attempting to use his foot to flip it over.  A soft throaty growl was emanating from underneath the box.  Diuqs took a step back in surprise but recovered his courage and again tried to flip over the container. On the fourth attempt he succeeded in getting his enormous fungal-infected toes underneath a corner.  The big monster smiled dumbly at his success.  The deformed troll’s grin soon turned to a frown as he felt something wet and furry slide against his foot.  He started to speak, but soon realized to his horror that everything was becoming taller, and he was getting shorter.   The last thing the troll saw was a little horse in a tiara armed with a water pistol, pushing the box up and away and an angry dog running for his comrades. ************************** Diamond Tiara didn’t have time to acknowledge that Rim Shot had completely blown their cover and killed a troll with his milk-slick fur.   She couldn’t process what had just happened to Pip and The Crusaders.  The pony didn’t have the luxury to ponder what she should do next.  She didn’t even have time to consider how to survive the next minute.  All she could do was react.  Squinting through the after image of the troll’s sun spell, she brought up her milk gun.  Having just enough light to see, she took aim down the crude plastic sights of the toy at the midget troll with a cigar between its teeth.  Just before she could get a shot off the thing was snapping its furry fingers and was gone. The pink pony didn’t panic.  She knew exactly where the troll went.  After all, it was after her.  The filly spun on her hooves and turned 180 degrees to fire point blank into the troll’s hate-filled face that was mere inches from her own.  The troll’s head completely dissolved, and its body soon followed. The smell was so bad she nearly vomited into the pile of liquid troll remains.   Through her sick bleary eyes, she saw Worrell’s dog bring down the flying troll.  The flier had tried to outrun the beagle.  If the troll could have taken to the air he might have gotten away, but since they were underground it was no contest for the small dog.  The troll was screaming madly in every direction until Rimshot sprinted in front of the monster and tripped it.  Having nowhere to go, the winged troll fell into a box full of melting ice cream.  The troll was gone before it realized that it could no longer stand. Her eyes finally starting to clear, Diamond Tiara looked into the hallway and saw a fat troll trying desperately to flee down the tunnels of the sewer system.  The obese monster couldn’t move faster than a slow jog.   “You!”  screamed the raging filly.  “Get back here.”   The troll started and tried to use his magic to decrease the weight of his enormous stomach.  But it was to no avail.  His magic reserves had not yet recovered from the flair spell.  Seeing no other alternative, the robed troll raised his hands above his head in defeat.  “I surrender,” it said in its troll language.  The troll cursed at himself and used what was left of his magic to cast a crude translation spell on his tongue.  “I surrender.”  He breathlessly repeated.  That spell had nearly caused him to black out from exhaustion.   The pony advanced on the troll with murderous intent.  She glared at the monster for a moment before spitting out the milk pistol.  “Change them back.” The troll blinked in confusion but did not reply in fear of getting shot.   Rimshot had appeared.  In his jaws was one of the tiny ponies that the troll’s comrades had transformed.  The Equestrian pointed at the doll, “Change them back now or I will end you.” The troll panicked.  “I . . . I.”  Throwing caution to the wind the troll lunged at the pony and dog.  The mage moved like a beached whale.  It only made it forward two steps before Diamond Tiara had reacquired her weapon.  The pony didn’t hesitate to execute the fat wizard and once again the air was filled with the smell of melting troll. This was the straw that finally broke the pony’s back.  Diamond Tiara vomited onto the sewer floor until she could do nothing but dry heave.  And then the tears came.  Seeing too much too soon had left its mark on the little pony.  She had never really liked the Crusaders or Pipsqueak, but they did not deserve to be turned into dolls.  Neither had her father.  What had Ponyville done to deserve the attention of these monsters, she wondered to herself.  She cried until a soft, warm tongue was licking her face.  Before she knew what she was doing, she found herself hugging the little dog.  She buried her face in the wet dog's fur and sobbed repeatedly, all the while Rimshot gently licked the back of the fily's neck in sympathy.  After what seemed like many hours, Diamond Tiara patted the dog one final time.  “You’re a good boy, Rimshot.  I’m sorry for all the times I called you those names.”  She paused, “I don’t know what to do now. It’s too dark down here, and I don’t know the way to the school from down here.” Rimshot gave an enthusiastic bark before going back in the tunnel.  Diamond Tiara heard the sounds of the little canine rummaging around in some kind of metal cabinet.  Eventually Rimshot returned with a plastic cylindrical object in his jaws.  The dog nudged the pony with the item when he arrived back by the pony’s side.   “A flashlight!”  the pony exclaimed.  “You’re a smart dog.  Comeon, let’s get the others.” With the aid of the grease-covered flashlight, Diamond Tiara and Rimshot collected the dolls that represented Pipsqueak, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom.  Applebloom and Scootaloo’s dolls were the hardest to find.  The pair eventually found the tiny figurines in a small leather backpack that was located in the same spot where Diamond Tiara had killed the midget troll.  While looking for the wooden figures, the pair found two strange-looking contraptions with fuses.  “Do you know what these are, Rimshot?” asked the pony.  Rimshot shook his head.  “They look like goofy bombs.  I guess the trolls were going to bury the milk in this room until they found us,” ventured the pink Equestrian gloomily.  “Maybe we can use these later.”   After finding all of the dolls and the explosives, the filly located an intact plastic crate.  It was large and bulky for her, but she had no great way to carry four dolls, her milk gun, and two homemade grenades.  She would just have to drag the box behind her.  She stared down at the quartet of wooden figures and said, “When this is over, you four are going to owe me some big favors.” From across the room Rimshot gave a short sharp bark.  Immediately Diamond Tiara flashed her light in his direction.  “What is it, boy?”  The pony slowly walked over to the dog, avoiding the multiple puddles of troll goo.  The beagle was pointing with his nose up towards the wall.  The pony followed the dog’s gaze.  The filly’s eyes widened.  “Is that what I think it is?” Rimshot barked in agreement.     Taped to the stone wall of the room was a large old rotting map of the Ponyville sewer system.  It was covered in oil and mold and one of the corners was missing, but it was detailed.  The dog and pony studied the map for a while before Diamond Tiara pointed up at it.  “Okay.  That arrow on that side says ‘You are here.’ So that means if we follow those pipes there . . .  then maybe . . . Yeah.”  The filly's voice rose in excitement.  “You see that, Rimshot?  It says ‘Outflow from Ponyville Schoolhouse.  I think if we follow those pipes, we’ll find the school.  And then we can make that love poison.”  The little pony’s face fell.  “I think I remember the recipe . . . I hope.”