I was staring down at a griffin, his belly was cut open, and I had a pair of cooking tongues. The inside of him was… very different from the inside of a changeling. For instance, his stomach was huge and he had red blood. He also had this white, solid stuff, whatever that was, so I removed those.
I had recently gotten a job in this place called Griffonia as a ‘Royal Doctor’ somehow. So, I was giving an operation on the King, currently since he recently got crushed by a chandelier. Now, the problem was, he had three broken ribs, and all his legs were broken. I was supposed to put a cast on him, but I was left alone to ‘focus’ on the king.
Oh whoops, I’m getting ahead of myself again. So this all started shortly after I got done taking a bath in the lake I wanted to swim in.
I had crawled out of a hole that I dug for myself for the night. I don’t think I’m in Appleloosa anymore, since Luna would’ve come and grabbed me in the middle of the night. And there were no apples, ponies, and there were a bunch of griffins staring down at me. They were looking into my hole and were shouting at me to come on out. They had crossbows, knives and clubs. I, being a smart changeling, slowly backed away from them when they started demanding money
from me.
And ran when they started telling me to hold still. When they took flight, I rolled my eyes. If only I had wings so I could fly away. I ran into the nearby forest and had managed to lose sight of them. I didn’t stop running for six hours until I managed to reach a town full of… weird looking lions. They look like their mothers, or fathers, suck at seeing things and mate with a bird here and there. The lions were all half bird, half cat. Maybe I can… oh a poster! I like those. It was… a poster of a birdcat that had a crown.
“Hail to King Scar, bow down to his might, or die.”
Oh… he’s a dictator. Oh well, not my problem. I happily walked around until… I need food. How do I get food? I could get money to pay for the food, or I could get love. Every single birdcat here tastes like they’re all depressed, sad, lonely, and are going to die alone. Maybe because they’re ruled over by a dictator in what might possibly be a city state. I want dinner, I want to obtain something to eat, and I don’t think I can eat any rocks here without getting killed.
So maybe I can get a job somewhere! That’ll solve my food problems!
The following program is a series of interviews that Stinky partook in while searching for a job. If you are allergic to Stinky being an idiot, do not read forward… still here? Well, you have been warned.
“Why should I hire you?” A female griffin asked. She worked for a grocery store, and was one of the few griffins willing to hire me. I tilted my head. “Okay, that question has an obvious reason; you need money. Why do you want to work for me?”
“I’ve never been in a grocery store before. I always lived with a pony named Luna, another I call Tia, and I live way in somewhere down in Equestria.”
“Ah, so a predator wants to get away from prissy little ponies!” The hen threw her arms in the air. “I like you already. What is your work background?”
“I used to shovel coal, move carts full of coal, carts of dead changelings that are about to get tossed in a river. Sometimes I have to mine stone with my teeth to get at the raw ores the Hive needed to survive and thrive. I also worked in a cafe where I was a perfectly adequate employee that met expectations but didn’t exceed. Once I talked to this pony cloud named Sombra, and we had a nice, long talk about politics.”
“What the fuck are you on about?”
“I don’t know. Am I hired?”
“Maybe…”
Two hours later
“You had a two hour shift, and all you had to do was cash out customers’ items…” My new boss stared at a piece of paper. “And you didn’t make a single one of them pay!?” She shouted. My ears hurt. “How the buck do you not know the basics of trade. Customers have money, we have food they want and need, customers give money, we give them food! How do-”
“What’s money? It sounds bad.” The griffin twitched. “Like it sounds like it would make a lot of people evil and cause more problems than it solves.”
…
…
“You’re fucking fired.” That wasn’t family friendly.
So, after my first job as a cashier ended up with me getting fired, I went out into the streets of… wherever I am, just sniffing random things. I sniffed and sniffed, and ended up getting hired as a waiter at a restaurant. It was great, I could feed on ambient love, I can get money to get on a train again, and I can get free food.
It was going great by the way, somebody named Scar walked in and had ordered a nice, juicy steak. Since the current chef was… on break, I decided to take up cooking. I’ve baked cakes before, what is so different about cooking meat? I stuck it in the over after covering it yeast for ten minutes.
It was still pink, but it was lightly breaded now, so you couldn’t see the rawness off it.
“Stinky,” my new boss asked, a male griffin that looked like a noble in Canterlot. “Why are you in the kitchen, cooking a steak?”
“The chef was on break,” I said, tilting my head. “So somebody had to cook a steak, since I live with ponies, my experience isn’t very large, but following instructions is easy.” I didn’t have any instructions.
“Well, hopefully King Scar enjoys his food.” My boss shook his head and walked out the door to the king.
King Scar left the restaurant… in a stretcher. The food was very undercooked and it gave him severe food poisoning.
So, I got fired again after the Scar guy got sick. So, I walked into the castle because they were hiring medical staff… I got interviewed and… here’s how it went:
“What is your experience?” The secretary, and my future boss asked. “Do you know how to perform surgeries?”
I then proceeded to list off every single animal that Queen Chrysalis bisected and went into full detail about what was inside each animal, along with a very detailed description of what is inside of a changeling. Right down to the color of the blood to the size of the organ. The interviewer looked shocked.
“I… do you know how to give surgeries to griffins?”
“No!”
“I can’t give you a job…”
initiating serious Stinky…
“Give me a job or I will make you feel bad. Like imagine stubbing your toe and then promptly stepping on a foal’s building block.” I paused for a moment. “Please give me a job, I’ll even clean your toilets!
“Really?”
I was sitting next to a toilet using a toilet brush and some breach. It was sparkling clean. After five weeks, the castle is finally clean. I jammed the brush far into the toilet and probably broke it, before walking away. I trotted around the castle, cleaning tables, windows, poking random maids in the eye with my tongue. Various things. Apparently a restaurant got shut down after the owners for it went missing; they served the king an uncooked piece of meat that nearly killed him from various food borne illnesses.
So those owners just mysteriously went missing.
I got a job, after guilt tripping my current employer. Now I am a humble maid, happily cleaning, arranging things, and sniffing things at random. Since the king had finally recovered, it was my turn to arrange the dining hall. So, that was what I set out to do. Halfway through though, I got bored, and started trying to see if I could get forks and spoons stuck in the chandeliers that were hanging from the ceiling. I had forty spoons stuck in the one hanging over the king’s seat, so I think I did a good job. I put more forks and spoons in place to help with making sure nopony would be missing the forks and spoons I threw, or ate, and went about my business.
The dining room was… perfect.
I went down to the doctor’s office and actually met the doctor on the way to the office, by headbutting him on the way upstairs. The poor griffin doctor grunted, and because he was old, he got very badly injured from me headbutting him, because he also lost his balance and fell down the stairs. He squawked, crowed, and cursed on the way down and was a bloody mess… So I went down the stairs again, took his uniform and dragged him upstairs to give him a proper medical lookover.
He’ll make a full recovery, he just broke his leg, so I put it in a cast.
And injected him with a lot of painkillers because he wouldn’t stop groaning and moaning at the pain he was in. After a quick lookover, I made my way over to the kitchen to help cook the king’s food, and made a perfect three layer cake.
The king will have a good day.
So, dinner was going on without a hitch, the king got food that didn’t give him food poisoning. I recently learnt that I am currently in Griffonia while acting as a waiter for the evening. So far, I didn’t mind the fact that the king was… talking about executing people for mildly expressing themselves. So, I just sat there, wide eyed as he went over various execution methods. And he was talking about trying to kill Celestia because she was currently allying with changelings.
“But sir, we have a changeling on staff.”
“And it will be forced to watch as we kill Queen Flarial; she needs to die finally.” I blinked a couple of times… He wants to hurt Mom? He wants to hurt my mommy! That’s not cool! I suppressed a growl, before looking up at the chandelier. You see, it was about to fall out of the ceiling because I threw two hundred and seven forks into it… and six hundred and twenty two spoons as well.
“Well, changeling? Do you renounce your loyalty to any Queen?”
“Huh?” I tilted my head. I took a butter knife off the table without anyone noticing, and used a levitation spell to poke at the chandelier. I also made sure to rearrange where the mints were on the table… right next to where there was soda. The chandelier dropped and broke the table… Then the ceiling caved and fell on the griffins around the table.
I was perfectly fine.
“Somebody get a doctor!
“Medic!” I was the only working doctor in the palace, since the other one died. Apparently his broken leg got an infection, and that might’ve made him not live anymore. I need to find the doctor that healed that doctor, because they did a bad job. Laying before me was the griffin king.
He had several broken legs, and his belly was cut open so I could stop the internal bleeding that he was experiencing. With a pair of grill tongues, I removed his insides at random, since I didn’t know what was going on, and replaced something that was red and beating, with a ketchup bottle. What? It was making red stuff and ketchup is red, so clearly that would keep him alive.
I sewed the king up, stuck a lollipop in his mouth and walked out of the medical office. Standing before it was a fuckload of griffins.. “Step aside, doctor! This is our chance to rid our country of a tyrant!” One of the griffins shouted. A choir of ‘yeahs!’ Filled the room.
“Go for it, he said he wanted to kill my mommy,” I stepped aside and all the griffins stumbled inside.
“The king’s dead!” All of a sudden, I was swept up in a big hug and I was confused.
“Now presenting… King Stinky!” I was standing on a balcony, wearing a crown that was too big for my head, and a royal, red robe. I stared down at my audience and blinked. Why am I a king? All I did was accidentally misplace the old king’s organs and gave him a ketchup bottle to replace something that was apparently very important.
“We, the castle staff, have been watching this brave, valorant little changeling. He put himself in a position where he could tend to the king’s wounds, we watched him set up a death trap for the king before his last meal was prepared. King Stinky… won our hearts by taking out that dictator from the shadows!” I blinked a couple more times.
What the fuck is going on?
A Narrator took over because Stinky’s brain had to be used, and it didn’t work very well. Over the next coming weeks, Stinky made an education system, started up a new economy, and was now the beloved leader of the Griffins. You see, Celestia’s agents had been trying to take down King Scar for the last few decades; he was a dictator, an evil one. For instance, he would… murder you and your family for mildly criticizing him. If any ponies, specifically mares were in Griffonia, they promptly went missing and nopony would be able to find them.
With that said, Stinky released all of the prisoners that King Scar was holding up.
And, of course, Celestia caught wind of the actions our favorite, stupid little changeling was doing. She stared down at all the laws and bills that had been passed, and blinked a few times. Luna was looking at another set of documents and newspapers regarding Stinky’s current takeover of Griffonia. Queen Flarial and Princess Skitters were also helping do some research, seeing as it was their son and brother that was ruling a kingdom on his own.
“How in the actual buck did Stinky manage to become a monarch within a week?” Celestia asked. “He killed a king, on accident according to any and all interviews, in a long series of convoluted events that led to King Scar’s death, and was crowned king. He even built a better prison system than what Equestria has, where it tries to reform criminals… Or make them mysteriously disappear if they are beyond reforming. Oh dear.”
Luna was the next to comment. “Sister, he accidentally built a court system better than our Day and Night Courts. Anypony or creature that has a petition mails it into the crown first, and then Stinky’s team of advisors, which consists of just Stinky, determines if it is worth his time or not. Granted, he doesn’t think and approves all petitions anyways, so he falls into the same trap that we did, while making our courts, but he has a better system in place.
“My son killed a king, all on his own?” Queen Flarial asked. “With a ketchup bottle, according to experts who were studying King Scar.” She got up. “I am going to yell at your student, Celestia, how she managed to lose a changeling that was right in front of her is beyond me. So if you will excuse me,” the changeling melted into the floor.
Skittles got out of her chair. “I suppose that means I’ll have to go retrieve my brother before he accidentally finds a way to make himself immortal, and pull a Celestia.” The named alicorn raised an eyebrow. “As in work a thousand years straight without a vacation or sick day. Seriously, take a day off, Celestia.” Suddenly, a portal opened up and grabbed Luna, evil laughter could be heard. “Aren’t you-”
“I can send my student to retrieve Luna; Alicorns don’t die very easily, so Lulu will be fine.
Weird, somebody took the perspective away from me.
Anyways, ruling is pretty stressful, so I came up with a plan. I made a plan to leave the country. I heard of a bunch of monsters that kidnapped a blue pony at some point. So, I grabbed a butter knife, a loaf of bread, and a whole potato. Six mares, the same scary mares from Canterlot, came by. They said they were going to retrieve me until they got a letter from Celestia saying Luna got kidnapped, and she somehow knows Luna’s exact coordinates, but due to some, long, dumb, convoluted reason, could not get Luna herself.
Meaning I now had a party of mares to rescue Luna. Twilight sighed, as I made her not take the role as leader as we rolled out the gates. As I walked by, female griffins were asking me to have their children, while the males were begging me not to go. I pointed them to the new king, which wasn’t a pillow with googly eyes I glued onto it, before heading off.
King Feather Pillow can take care of the kingdom while I take an extended, possibly permanent break from ruling.