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// How I ALMOST Became A River Pirate 
// Story: Diary of an Aspiring Evil Overlord 
// by CopperTop 
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Saturday

(My subjects, before you judge your Evil Overlord, just remember that if you’re reading this, I did still end up becoming your Evil Overlord!  Anypony who laughs will go straight to jail!  That being said, what follows is not your Evil Overlord’s proudest moment…)

Okay, so obviously getting elected to things is a little harder than I thought.  You can’t just promise to put your teacher in Time Out and that ponies won’t get homework anymore.  You either need to have a lot of tasty cake to give to ponies to make them vote for you, or you need ponies to like you more than cake.  And I don’t think that second part is possible. (This wet spot on the page isn’t from me drooling thinking about cake and anypony who says it is is a liar!)  So to become president or mayor or whatever, I’m going to need to get enough cake to give some to everypony in Ponyville.  I asked Mrs. Cake how much it would cost to get enough cakes for everypony in town and she laughed and said it would cost me fewer bits to open my own bakery.

I asked Mom if I could have a bakery for my next birthday and she told me no.  I asked if I could have it instead of the Mistress Mare-velous action figure I asked for before and she still said no.  So I asked her how I could get a bakery and she told me I would either have to buy one or build one myself.  I’m not so good with tools, so I asked her how much a bakery would cost to buy.

I don’t think the number she said was one of those made-up numbers like “bajillion” or pie (everypony knows pies are food and not numbers, duh!)[We learned in class today it’s “pi” and it’s real, but I still think it’s stupid.  I’ll outlaw it when I become an Evil Overlord] but I can’t count to the number she said, so I don’t think I have that many bits in my piggy bank, because it has seven bits and I can count that.

She will not give me an advance on my allowance either.  I hadn’t actually asked her for that yet when she said that.  I asked how she knew I was going to ask and she said: “Mom magic”.  Unicorn powers are crazy; I didn’t even see her horn light up that time!

When I asked her how many bits I’d get for my baby teeth she told me: “Not nearly enough, so don’t even think about it!”  Then she told me to go play outside and that I’d better still have all my teeth in my mouth when I came back or I’d be grounded again.

But it’s okay, because when I went outside I saw the river that runs through the middle of Ponyville and I had an awesome idea!(Well, it was an idea anyway)  See, I was thinking about ways to get lots of bits, and when I saw the water I remembered that pirates have so many bits that they need to bury them on islands in big huge boxes!  I don’t actually know why pirates bury their bits (All these years later, and I still don’t, to be honest…) but that’s not the important part.  The important part is that if they need big boxes that are even bigger than me to fit all those bits, then that has to be more bits than a bakery costs, right?!  So all I need to do to get the bits I need for the bakery is to become a pirate and plunder Ponyville! (Well, plunder somewhere, anyway)


If Mom isn’t going to give me bits for a bakery, she’s probably not going to give me bits for a boat either.  So I’ll either have to build one or steal one, but I don’t know who in Ponyville has a boat that I could steal.  I’ll have to try and build my own.

On the bright side, since there aren’t any other boats in Ponyville, I’ll definitely have the biggest and most powerful boat in town even if it’s not super well made.

I asked Dad if I could use his tools and he said I could BUT I could only use them if he was there to watch me so he could make sure I didn’t hurt myself.  That was probably a good idea since, like I said: I’m not so good with tools.  But I also didn’t want him to see me building my pirate ship because he might try and stop me when he found out I was going to use it to plunder Ponyville.  He’d probably stop me even if I Pinkie Sweared not to plunder him and Mom. (Tutti Frutti was going to get SUPER plundered though!)

So I wasn’t going to be able to use his tools.  But that’s okay, because when I walked by the pond, I saw this other colt from class.  His name is Truffle and he’s pretty cool! (Note to self: Keep Truffle in mind as a possible future minion)  He was playing with a little boat that he’d made out of paper.  He said you don’t need tools to make them and showed me how to fold it.  Dad doesn’t have to watch me if I build my boat just by folding paper!

Tomorrow, I’m going to grab the extra big newspaper that gets delivered, build myself a massive pirate ship and sail up and down the Ponyville river plundering the town!  Then I’ll have the bits I need to buy a bakery and I can bake all the cakes I need to win an election! (I know I’m still not old enough to run for mayor, but I figure it’ll take me a while to bake enough cakes for everypony in town anyway.  By then the townsponies will also have forgotten that I’m the one that plundered them and still vote for me)





Sunday

(Remember, my loyal subjects: Laughing = jail!)

First off, I want to start by pointing out that Mom was wrong and last week wasn’t any longer than the other weeks.  So I think she got her weeks mixed up.  All I’m saying is: Mom can make mistakes too! (As I mentioned before, I now know this was an expression.  Moving on)  So anyway, on to reviewing my plan to plunder Ponyville for bits to buy a bakery to bake cakes to get votes to become mayor: (I still believe this is a workable plan)[Still working on it!]{If you're reading this, I assume it worked}

It didn’t work.  The details why aren’t important.

What is important is learning from mistakes. (Miscalculations.  Your Evil Overlord does not make “mistakes”.  Just rounding errors)  The biggest mistake (Miscalculation) was that pirate ships can really only plunder other ships.  Since I was the only ship in the river, well…there wasn’t anything to plunder except for myself.  And I only had seven bits.

My next mistake (MISCALCULATION!) was not realizing that, while paper boats float pretty good even when they’re made bigger, they only float when there isn’t a pony in them.  When there is a pony in them, they sink pretty fast. (Lucky for me the river wasn’t very deep)

I also learned three new words today: Lidderan (Mom says it’s spelled “liTTerING”, but that's not how it sounded when Officer Barns said it) which is when you throw trash on the ground.  And also the water too.  I also learned that newspapers are “trash” when you put them on the ground or in the water. (But not when the newspony throws them on the ground in front of the house in the morning I guess for some reason?)[I need to remember to warn Truffle about putting his boats in the pond in case Officer Barns sees him].  Another word I learned is: Ornince (Ordinance) which is like a rule, but it’s for the whole town and it’s things you shouldn’t do.  I also learned: Sigh-tayshun (Citation) which Officer Barns said was like a reverse allowance, but I don’t think that’s quite right because one sigh-tayshun(citation) was way more than my weekly allowance.

In my defense, I would have had the five bits Officer Barns told me I owed; except that when I realized I was going to be the only pony in a ship on the river, I had to run back home and get my bits so that there’d be something for me to plunder.  I mean, I’d have been a pretty bad pirate if I came back home from pirating with no bits at all, right?!  But when my ship sank I lost my bits in the river.  So I couldn’t give Officer Barns any bits and he had to talk to Mom and Dad.

Long story short: I’m not allowed to build giant paper pirate ships anymore and I owe Mom and Dad five bits.

I am also grounded…again.

Drat.

(Now that I’m better with tools, I could probably build a boat that actually floats with me in it and try this again.  It couldn’t go any worse than this first time!)[Yes it could.  I’m going to outlaw boats]