//------------------------------// // 4. Where's the Plot? It Got Eaten by the Shark We Jumped // Story: Long Road to Friendship Abridged // by Albi //------------------------------// In which the plot gets needlessly complicated for no other reason than to drag out the story and create drama!  Sunset went to Twilight’s house for Thanksgiving.  “Okay, so, how will this go horribly wrong? Because I know it will.” Twilight opened the door, wearing the sexiest dress she could find in her closet… which was a skirt and a cardigan because she’s gonna be a librarian when she grows up.  “Miss Sparkle, are you trying to seduce me?” Sunset asked, watching Twilight try to sexy lean on the door frame. “Is it working?” “No. Can I come in? It’s freezing outside.” So they went upstairs and Twilight played the violin because remember, she’s a little prodigy. Twilight held her instrument out. “Do you wanna learn how to play?” “No. Apparently, I’m not allowed to be as cool as my cartoon counterpart who apparently can shred a guitar, do art good, and fence. Why couldn’t I do all those cool things, Albi?” Because all of those require dexterity checks, and you’re a pony in a human’s body! Shut up! “Translation, they didn’t think of it. Anyway, let’s eat and get this over with.” Downstairs, Sunset sat at the table with the whole Sparkle family plus Cadence and her family, including her mom whom the author accidentally named Rose Quartz before ever watching or even hearing about Steven Universe, but that’s okay because we’re never going to namedrop her ever again. “Everything looks delicious,” Rose [Redacted] said. “So, Sunset, tell about yourself,” Twilight’s dad said. “I’m actually a unicorn from another world who grew up poor until I learned I had super magic and got to become the student of our demi-goddess ruler who can move the sun and moon. Then I threw a temper tantrum and ran away through a magical portal to this world where I actually live in a run-down factory. The room stared at her. “JK, LOL!” And everyone laughed. Thank Celestia humans are dumb, Sunset thought. After a traditional Thanksgiving dinner of food and talking about politics and Sportsball, Twilight walked Sunset out to the porch to say goodnight. Twilight grabbed Sunset’s hands. “Do you love me?” “What? No!” “Why not?!” “Because you’re a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies in this story. Also, if we kissed now, the story would be over, and we still have a whole arc left.” “But Senpai, I’m in lesbians with you!” “And I’m scared of commitment! Bye!” And so, Sunset ran away, leaving Twilight sad and brokenhearted. And the author feasted that day on the tears of their audience! The next day, Sunset ran into Trixie along the street. “Wait,” Sunset said, “Wasn’t I supposed to talk to Rarity first?” Weren’t you supposed to lie to Twilight’s family and break Twilight’s heart? “Weren’t you supposed to write that? And I did one of those things.” “Who are you talking to?” Trixie asked. “The author of this story I’m trapped in. What do you want Trixie.” “Nothing! Trixie totally wasn’t stalking you to get revenge for the vague thing she says you did to her or anything.” Sunset nodded absently. “Cool, I’m gonna go get a salad.” Just then, Gilda and her gang appeared again. “Hey, dweeb, remember when you and Dash beat me up?” “Vaguely.” Gilda pulled out a butterfly knife. “Well, it’s payback.” Sunset was actually nervous. “Listen, maybe we should stop this cycle of violence and become friends.” “Haha, no.” Thug Gilda would like to battle! Thug Gilda sent out her cronies! Wild Sunset fled. She caught up with Trixie, and they ran into a construction yard because that’s where all the cool fights happen. “Trixie doesn’t want to be in this story anymore.” “Tell me about it,” Sunset groaned. Gilda and the Gang (which she would later go on to name her band once she got out of juvie) cornered them on some gangplanks. “All right, dweebs, time to die.” Sunset put her fists up. “Okay, Trix, how good are you in a fight? …Trixie?” Trixie, not being the main protagonist in this story, removed herself from the scene. “Oh, for f*cks sake!” Gilda tried to slash at Sunset, but she used her protagonist powers to disarm Gilda and grab her knife. “Hah, who’s the dweeb now!” Gilda pulled out another knife. “F*cking—” “Don’t worry, I am here!” a magical and manly voice said. From a puff of smoke, Artemis and Selena appeared. With sword and sorcery, they beat up a couple of teenagers and tied them up for the police. They were like Batman and Batgirl, only way cooler. Sunset tucked the knife away, hoping to use it later but wouldn’t because the author totally forgot about it. “Thanks for the save but why are you here?” Artemis triumphantly put his hands on his hips. “We’re here to become permanent parts of the story! The author thought this would be a great way to show off our skills in preparation for the sequel, and look, everyone loves us!” Boohoo! This chapter sucked! Get back to the main plot! They jumped the shark! Pouting! Artemis deflated. “Well, we tried." Sunset stared off into the middle distance. She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m still getting over the fact that this story will get a sequel.” “Anyway, do you want to come live with us?” Selena asked. “No, because that means living with Trixie.” “That’s fair.” So the Lulamoons left and Sunset went to school the next day. And hey, it was snowing! Everyone likes snow! Plus, Twilight wasn’t talking to Sunset. “Life is good!” Lyra sidled up to Sunset. “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy, Sunny.n Just here to remind you and the audience about the Winter Ball and the imaginary stakes we imagined to add more tension that may or may not have been needed to the plot!” “Oh right. That’s still happening.” “If you fail, we’ll make Moondancer the main protagonist for the sequel!” “Not seeing a downside.” “We’ll also take away your motorcycle and give her the new leather jacket.” “Oh, heck to the no!” Lyra waved. “K, byyeeee!” Sunset looked at her almost friends. “Who wants to help me plan the Winter Ball?” Pinkie waved her hand. “I do because it’s technically a party! Let’s talk about it over pizza!” So they went to get pizza. “Now that we’re here, let’s play the game: tell each other the hurtful things we secretly did while we were all fighting! I’ll start! I started a rumor that Applejack makes sacrifices to heathen gods!” Applejack raised her hand. “Ah told everyone Rainbow’s a lesbian!” “I am not!” “Riiiiight.” Fluttershy went next. “My animals swam in one of Pinkie’s punch bowls and made students get sick. That’s actually probably really bad.” Rarity raised herself in her seat. “Hearing all of this makes me realize how uncouth you all truly are.” Applejack nodded. “You’re right. We’re all vastly different from each other and secretly hurt one another while Sunset had us all split up.” Pinkie spoke up. “Hey, since we just opened up those old wounds, why don’t we all go our separate ways and not talk to each other again.” Rainbow nodded. “Sounds cool. I need to go stroke my ego anyway.” So everyone got up and left, leaving Sunset alone to pay the pizza bill. “You know, this could have just been the conflict right here. You didn’t need the Lyra sub-plot. But you don’t think that far ahead, so I’m talking to a brick wall.” She got up and left, not paying the pizza bill because Artemis never gave her a paycheck and she was broke. She tried to go home but remember, it was cold and snowing, so the door to her factory got stuck and refused to let her in. “Are you serious right now? First Twilight, then Gilda tries to kill me, then my friends leave, now this? This is bullsh*t!” Hey, you called them your friends. “Don’t patronize me!” Just then, Shining appeared, having heard Sunset’s screams. “Are you homeless?” “I would say no, but the curse still exists, so I have to say yes.” “I should send you to a homeless shelter, but my sister kinda likes you, so I kinda don’t wanna. You got anywhere you can stay?” Sunset knocked on the Lulamoon’s door. Trixie opened it. “Can I live with you?” “Why on earth would Trixie allow that?” “Because if you do, I promise you’ll get a bigger role in the sequel.” “Deal!” And so, Sunset started living with the Lulamoons, mostly to break away from the already well-worn trope of Sunset living with Celestia. After taking a hot shower and sleeping in a warm bed, Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little. “Okay, I should probably do something to make my friends like each other again. That’s a thing good people do, right? Ugh, but I’ll probably need Twilight’s help.” “Why don’t you want Twilight’s help,” her totally-not-new-sister Trixie asked. “Because she’s a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But I’m eager to get to the end of this story, so I’ll do what I have to.” So, Sunset found Twilight at school the next day. She was wearing thick glasses and had a ponytail because Friendship Games had just come out and inspired the author to make their Twilight look more like Sci-Twi “Hey, Sparky. I’m sorry I ran away from you on Thanksgiving.” “So you do love me!” “Never said that.” “That’s okay, I know what you mean. Wanna get our friends back together so we can end this story?” Sunset actually smiled. “I would love to.”  She then shoved Twilight into a locker. “That’s for looking more like a nerd than usual.” “I love it when she does that,” Twilight said from inside the locker. So they devised a plan to make a super-cool dance. And because this world revolves around princesses, they decided that Twilight needed to win the crown for the Winter Ball. “Why?” Sunset shrugged. “I dunno, to make sure Rarity doesn’t win? She’ll be insufferable if she does.” Flash got to be a part of the story. He was going to play a song at the dance.  “Cool.” The CMC got involved. They were going to sing a song at the dance. “Cool!” And everyone got all dolled up for the winter ball. Sunset and Twilight both wore really awesome outfits that you can go see in the original story. “All right, let’s do this. Grand finale time! All I have to do is make sure nothing bad happens at the dance!” Sunset said. When she got to the gymnasium, the lights were flickering, and there was no music. “Cool, it’s gonna be one of those nights.” Normally, she’d be all for making people miserable, but she wanted the dance to do well so she would keep her motorcycle and leather jacket. So, she ran around and started fixing everything.  Twilight waited patiently. “She’s so hot when she’s trying to be the hero.” Just when Sunset thought she was done, the ice sculptures started to melt because the room was too warm. She grabbed her friends who were all trying to ignore each other and shoved them into the middle of the room.  “Flash, CMC, play Shine Like Rainbows! I’m going to fix this dance if it kills me!” “We get to be in the story!” Flash and the CMC cheered before playing Shine Like Rainbows. “The song is so beautiful,” Rarity said with tears in her eyes. “Let’s be friends again!” “Okay!” The rest of the Canterlot High Five said. Sunset came back to the gym. “I have faced my inner demons in my attempt to make this night awesome. Are you guys friends again.” Pinkie nodded. “We’re officially the Spectacular Seven™ again!” “Cool.” Then, Celestia announced that the Princess of the Winter Ball was Twilight Sparkle. “You should give it to Sunset. She worked so hard to fix all those totally unexpected and not at all coordinated mishaps with the dance,” Twilight said. “Isn’t she totally dependable and selfless?” Celestia just wore that frown she had in the first movie. “Whatever. Here, Sunset. You’re the princess again. Don’t let it go to your head.” “It’s totally going to my head.” Sunset put the crown on. “I’m still queen B, b*tches!” She looked at Twilight. “Did you ruin the dance and make everyone miserable just to make me look good? ‘Cause that’s really hot!” Twilight smiled, proud of her desecration. “Yes, my plan worked! …This bit is gonna be hard to maintain in the sequel.” That’s cute, you think I’m making another abridged.  “That’s the smartest thing they’ve said all story,” Sunset said. “Anyways, you wanna dance and make out, Sparky?” “I thought you would never ask,” Twilight said like a dumb, lovesick teenager. And then they kissed. Meanwhile, Flash watched. “My ex and the alternate dimension version of my one-night stand are making out. I’m feeling a lot of things. But at least I got to be in the story. Unlike Moondancer.” “Who the f*uck is Moondancer?!” Sunset yelled. Twilight cupped her cheek. “Just a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But it’s okay, ‘cause you’re into that, right?” Sunset looked at the fourth wall. “Is the story over now?” Almost. First, we wrap up loose threads. Principal Celestia walked over looking like she’d rather be anywhere else than an auditorium full of dumb teenagers. “Here’s your reward for not being as much as a b*tch anymore.” She gave Sunset a new leather jacket. “Dope.” Lyra pouted in the corner. “Darn, my plans to ruin Sunset’s life have failed.” Sunset rolled up her sleeve. “Why that—” Twilight stopped her. “Don’t worry. I’ve already hacked into the school database and changed all her grades to Fs. She won’t make it to graduation. Or the sequel.” “Celestia, that’s hot.” And then they kissed some more. And so, the Spectacular Seven™ made up and danced and everyone lived happily ever after. They also went to go see some shooting stars. That was cute. Moondancer jumped up from her seat. “At last, it’s time for everyone to see my brilliance! My debut shall be legendary! I’m so excited to finally be a part of the sto—”