>Insert some witty or dumb line here. I dunno.<
Sunset Shimmer was still a bitch, but she was that one bitch that you tolerate because you know they can be cool sometimes. Her coolness to bitchiness ratio was still 25 > 75, but at least she was trying. You know, minimally.
The day after she cuddled with Twilight, Sunset went out to buy more groceries with the money she should have run out of by now. Like seriously, by this point in the story, she should have been flat broke. At the store, she conveniently ran into the crazy old wizard from the street fair.
“I am not old!” Artemis protested.
“Stranger danger!” Sunset shouted.
“You already met me!”
“Yeah, you were supposed to be a one-off character. What happened?”
Artemis grinned. “The author changed their mind.”
“Dammit, Albi!”
Artemis pulled out a business card. “Do you want a job or not?”
“Is it going to give me mental and physical scars?”
“Probably.”
Sunset took the card. “Well, it still beats customer service.”
That week at school, Sunset served her last days in detention. In hindsight, she probably should have gotten more for turning into a demon and blowing up the school!
“Hey, I said I was sorry!”
Pinkie jumped into the classroom from the window. “Who are you yelling at?”
“The narrator.”
Pinkie gasped. “You can hear them too! I thought I was just going crazy!”
That did nothing positive for Sunset’s outlook on her sanity. “Pinkie, why are you here?”
“To throw you a detention party!” She pulled a cake and the rest of the Spectacular Seven™ from the pocket dimension hidden in her hair.
“Thank goodness, I couldn’t breathe!” Rarity shouted.
During the party, Twilight sat uncomfortably close to Sunset.
“Twilight,” Sunset said, “we need to have a talk about personal space.”
Twilight leaned closer. “Okay, how much do you want to share?”
Sunset shoved her out of the chair they were sharing. “None.”
I love it when she plays hard to get, Twilight thought.
Principal Celestia walked in, giving them all the annoyed look she had for most of the first movie. “Are you all having a party in detention?”
“No,” they all chorused.
“Yes,” Sunset said, hating her curse.
Celestia stole some cake and walked out. “Whatever.” She stuck her head back in. “Detention tomorrow, Sunset.”
Sunset opened her mouth to swear violently, thought about it… then decided to shut up.
Twilight slid up to her and leaned on her shoulder again. “Wanna compete in the science fair together?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“F*ck you.”
“When?” Twilight asked, an eager light in her eyes.
Sunset took a step back. “Okay, I’ll do the science fair with you, just… get that look out your eyes.”
Twilight fluttered her eyes, making them moe like Fluttershy. “Is this better?”
Before Twilight could respond, two stereotypical nerds, because everyone in this school has to fit an archetype because neither DHX nor apparently the author can think outside the box and create complex characters that actually represent today’s teenagers, approached our heroines.
“Girls can’t enter science fairs because they’re girls,” the dorky one said.
“Obvious sexist remark,” the geeky one said.
“Really?” Sunset asked, looking toward the ceiling. “This is the plot we’re working with?”
Hey, didn’t you already get a ticket for breaking the fourth wall too many times?
“I’m just saying, you could have done literally anything else to make me join the science fair. Actually, was this even needed?”
I wanted a sense of urgency!
“Come down here and I’ll give you a sense of urgency!” Sunset said, raising her fist. “Fine, boys versus girls. You win, you can make out with Twilight.”
“But I’m allergic to boys!”
“And if we win, I get to beat the crap out of you,” Sunset finished.
The two nerds snorted like typical comedy show nerds, even though nerds like that don’t actually exist anymore. “Deal! We’re gonna get to kiss girls!”
“It’ll be the closest we ever get to losing our virginity!”
Sunset sighed. “I hate this story.” The next day, Sunset went to work for the first time. “I feel like we’re working out of order.”
“Welcome to the Lulamoon Magical Item Emporium!” Artemis said, appearing in a puff of smoke and gesturing wildly at the sign. The M fell off seconds later. Inside, Sunset found references to the author's favorite video games and books.
She picked up a six-sided chest. “The heck is this?”
“Foreshadowing!” Artemis said cheerfully.
“And this?” she asked, holding up a hand mirror.
“A plot thread that ultimately goes nowhere!”
“Is anything in this shop actually going to be important to this story?”
“Nope! Just like Moondancer!”
“Who’s Moondancer?”
“Exactly!”
Trixie came downstairs. “Trixie is going to be antagonistic toward you for generally vague reasons and because Trixie seems to always be an antagonist.”
Sunset threw her arms up. “Yes! Someone I can hate unabashedly and who’ll hate me back! Hallelujah!” You see, for Sunset to survive, she needs to hate at least one person at all times, otherwise, she lose her Vitamin H, and she’ll turn into a clone of Twilight Sparkle, and no one wants that. She would have continued hating the rest of the Spectacular Seven™, but since she spent some one-on-one time with them, she actually started to like them.
“Okay, first, when did that happen? Second, no, I still hate them.”
It’s the abridged version! I don’t have time to recap every chapter. And yes you do, the plot demands it.
“What plot!?”
“Sunset, who are you yelling at?” Twilight asked. It was then Sunset realized she was standing in Twilight’s house so they could work on their science fair project.
“It’s not important. Let’s go to your room.”
And the shippers rejoiced.
Senpai’s in my room, Twilight thought. I must seduce her. Twilight seductively fluttered her eyes at Sunset, then seductively sat down and took out their tools for building their totally implausible EMP jammer, then seductively rolled out the blueprints. “You know, Sunset, I always thought we had chemistry together,” she said seductively.
Sunset stared blankly. “We don’t. This is physics.”
“Then let’s get physical.” Twilight was about to pounce on Sunset like she was a good book, but Shining Armor stuck his head through the door.
“Hey, baby sister!”
F*cking clam-jammer!
“Just wanted to remind you this is a teen fic, and even if this is the abridged version, the author would never actually write you and Sunset getting it on. Okay, have fun!”
“...Dammit, Albi.”
So they worked on their project and nothing romantic happened. And the shippers cried in frustration.
“Sunset tell me your backstory,” Twilight said.
“Why?”
“Because we’re twenty-five chapters into the story and we still haven’t covered up all the plot holes the first movie created.”
“Yeah, that’s actually kind of important.” So, Sunset told Twilight her story, which pretty much amounted to her not being hugged as a child, finding out she had super magic, and then being a bitch about it until Princess Celestia kicked her to the curb.
“Hearing that only makes me love you more,” Twilight whispered.
“What?”
“What?”
At this time, you might be wondering what happened to the curse. It appears to be not as prevalent to the story as it was in the beginning. Well—
The Spectacular Seven™ sat at their lunch table at school the next day. “Attention Students,” Vice Principal Luna said over the intercom. “This is a reminder that Sunset Shimmer screwed up the fall dance and we ran out of money for the winter one. Please direct all blame toward her. Thank you.”
And so, the whole school hated Sunset. I don’t know why they didn’t hate her at the beginning of the story right after the dance happened. Did they remember that Sunset turned into a demon and brainwashed them? It’s never clear if they did or not. Oh well!
“Maybe you should try apologizing to them,” Rarity suggested.
“Why? I already apologized to everyone important to this story.”
“What about Flash?”
“What about Flash?”
Twilight looked on in confusion. “I don’t know who this Flash is, but he sounds like Moondancer.”
“I don’t know who this Moondancer is, but she sounds like she’s not important to this story,” Sunset said.
The lunch bell rang, and while passing kids shot spitballs at Sunset—
“F*ck you!”
—Flash came over to Twilight, showing off his signature trait of being awkward while trying to be cool. Actually, that’s the only trait the movie gave him. “Hey, Twi, wanna go out sometime?”
“I’m gay for Sunset.”
“...So is that a no?”
Sunset came and dragged him away by the ear. “Okay, I’m sorry I was terrible to you, you’re actually a good guy, stop being pathetic, and let’s try to be friends.”
“Does this mean I get to be a part of the story?”
“...Fine.”
“Yes! I’m finally—”
The next day, Sunset went to work again where Trixie was Trixieing upstairs. The author decided that this slow-burning romance was burning too slow and decided to make Sunset have a sudden revelation about her feelings for Twilight.
“Oh no, I might have a crush on the human version of my sworn arch-enemy. I hate irony.”
“Irony is one of my favorite literary devices.”
“No one asked you, Albi!”
That wasn't me!
Sunset snapped out of her lesbian trance—
“Hey!”
—to see a pretty woman with long blue hair.
“So, who are you?”
“I’m Selena. I’m a stand-in for Principal Celestia because the author didn’t want you to live with her because by this point, that was already too predictable and cliché. Also, I’m Artemis’ wife.”
Sunset took her hand. “I’m so sorry! Wait, that means Trixie has a normal loving family in this fic! That’s not allowed!”
Upstairs, Trixie’s ears burned. “I’m going to ruin Sunset’s day tomorrow.”
So she did.
Sunset came to school hissing fire and throwing everyone into their lockers. “Someone stole our science fair project!”
Twilight looked on as Sunset continued her rampage. “Science, she’s hot.”
Applejack raised her eyebrow to the ceiling. “Shouldn’t you stop her?”
“Fiiine.” So Twilight decided to finally act in character and calm Sunset down.
“Wow, Twilight, you’re right. Needlessly taking my anger out on other people who had nothing to do with my current situation was mean and unjustified. I feel as if I have learned an important lesson.”
Then Trixie walked past.
“Imma kill that f*cking b**ch!”
Twilight tried to stop her. “Wait, Sunset! If you kill her, you’ll become just like her!”
“Okay, so, first of all, I’ve already done like, fifty things worse than what she did to me. Second, I don’t talk in the third person, so that’s not gonna happen.”
“Oh.” Twilight stepped aside. “Then, by all means, wreck her sh*t.”
Sunset marched up to Trixie, ready to strangle her. “Give back our science fair project! It’s the only thing that can move this plot forward!”
“This story has a plot?!”
“Right?!”
Trixie pulled a smoke bomb out from her magical cape. “Karma no jutsu!” And she vanished in a puff of smoke, never to be tried for her crimes of breaking and entering or theft.
Rarity stared as Trixie climbed out the cafeteria window. “Shouldn’t we call the police?”
“What, and give the story a plot?” Sunset asked. “No, we’ll just make a new science fair project! Come on, Sparky!”
Twilight fanned her face. “Oh my science, she finally called me Sparky. I’m so hot now.”
And the two lesbians (well, one lesbian and one aggressive bisexual) worked all throughout the night. In Twilight’s bedroom. Alone. And nothing sexual happened.
Twilight looked to the ceiling and flipped it off.
Then, the science fair happened! You would think this is the climax of the story, but…
Sunset walked across the gym but was intercepted by School Council President Lyra. “Hey, Sunny! Imma call you Sunny!”
“Don’t call me Sunny.”
“Sunny, I’m here to remind you that the whole school still really hates you and the author kinda neglected to follow up with that plot point back at the beginning of the story, so now they really wants to drive it home. So, if the Winter Ball fails, we’re gonna make you the scapegoat because we can!”
Sunset crossed her arms. “And I care because…?”
“Oh, sorry, let me be clearer. If this story doesn’t have a good finale, we’ll reboot the sequel and make Moondancer the main character!”
“Who the f*ck is Moondancer!?”
Lyra patted her cheek. “Don’t worry about it. Goooood luuuuuuck!”
“And now, I have to burn this cheek.”
… Oh right, we’re still dealing with the science fair! So, the two stereotypical nerds from before came back.
Twilight sighed. “Right, you’re still in this story.”
“We made a chess-playing robot,” they said, adjusting their pocket protectors.
Twilight then proceeded to beat their robot. “Female empowerment!”
Sunset held her arms out. “But why? The mane cast of this story are all girls. None of us have boyfriends. We’re all pretty self-reliant. What was the point of this? You’re just beating the idea like a dead horse!”
Pinkie opened her mouth.
“One joke and I’ll force-feed you your own hair.”
Principal Celestia walked over, looking as bored as she did in the first movie. “Okay, girls, what deus ex machina did you build to win?”
Sunset jerked a thumb to their table. “Well, I wanted to build a better story, but that was impossible. So we built a hydroelectric generator that could power the whole school with a hose.”
The author would like to remind the audience that they were not a science major. Also, this universe has portals to magical dimensions and people who are 3/4ths leg. So shut up.
Celestia gave them a good noodle ribbon. “First prize.”
“No, Trixie has been defeated despite her obvious cheating!”
“Oh no, our obvious sexism has cost us our victory!” The two nerds walked forward. “Can we get kisses anyway? We’re nice guys.”
Twilight proceeded to kick both of them in the crotch.
Sunset slow clapped. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks! Wanna have Thanksgiving with my family?”
“Haha, no!”
“Please?”
Oh right, I still have a curse. Boy, that hasn’t been relevant in several chapters. “Fine.”
Twilight rubbed her hands together. “My plan is almost complete.”
Moondancer lounged in her dressing room, a mud mask on her face. “And if you think this is disappointing, wait until the sequel.”