Mecha sat at his work bench, channeling some of his magic into the potted plant in front of him. Frowning for a moment at the lack of response, he smiled when a small green stem broke the surface, before cutting off his magic and turning back to his latest mechanical project while the plant quickly grew.
“So let me get this straight,” Doctor Whooves started, watching his friend work. “You ran a vial of Changeling blood, an illegal narcotic, across the country, literally, while evading arrest and causing general havoc, only to be released free of charges.”
“Eeyup,” Mecha replied, screwing a part in place.
“Am I to guess that has something to do with the Weasel currently filing paperwork in the corner?” Doctor Whooves asked, looking at Dolosus, who was working in the corner.
“Eenope,” Mecha said, putting down his tools and moving to sit in front of the now full grown plant, blooming a vibrant... purple. “I got off due to the fact that I broke the law to save a life,” seeing his friends look, Mecha explained, “a Zebra needed it for... you know what, I'll just get you a copy of the paper with the story in it. Anyways, since I did that, as well as avoiding harming anypony, I got off scot free because of the Star Swirl the Bearded Coffee Law.”
Blinking, Doctor Whooves said, “The what now?”
Sighing, Mecha pulled the flower out, tossed it in the trash, and marked something on a nearby journal before saying, “The Star Swirl the Bearded Coffee Law. Basically, he drank waaaaaaay to much coffee and proposed the law, which was accepted. Not it recalling after crashing from his caffeine high, he wrote Coffee Law on the name of the bill when it came time to name the thing.”
Shocked into silence, Doctor Whooves allowed Big Macintosh to ask, “Then why is the lawyer here?”
Dolosus spoke up, saying, “Because king Koning hired me for what he thought would be the duration of the trial, a full month, but due to the open and shut case, we were done in ten minutes. That means that for the next month, I work for Mecha, mostly with these pending patents he's let build up.”
“I didn't let them build up!” Mecha hollered back, another plant growing as he worked on his project once more. “That implies I'd even considered starting them.”
Shrugging, Dolosus replied, “Yes, and apparently you don't care if anypony steals your ideas.”
Chuckling, Mecha replied, “That suggests that anypony could re-create them. Far as I'm aware, I'm the only pony crazy enough to try any of that crap!”
“Hey!” Doctor Whooves yelled out, “Are you implying that I'm not as crazy as you?”
Mecha stopped working for a moment, before laughing. “You're right,” he stated, before turning to Dolosus, and said, “The only pony who'd be crazy enough to recreate my inventions wouldn't even dream of doing so!”
At this point, the door to the workshop opened, and Diable walked in, much to the laughter of the current occupants. Eye twitching, the devil walked in, dressed up in a French Maid's outfit, carrying a tray of drinks. “You're drinks... sir...” Diable spat out, setting the tray on the table. “Anything else I can do for you... sir...?”
Mecha grinned as he took a gulp from his lemonade, before setting it down and asking, “Any suggestions my friends?”
His friends put their hooves up to their chins in thought, before an evil grin came across Big Macintosh's face. “Why don't you have 'im pick up the girls from school?” he suggested, causing grins to spread to the rest of the occupants in the room.
Turning to Diable, Mecha said, “You heard him... and no changing out of your outfit!”
Eyes widening, Diable started muttering curses under his breath, before making his way out of the house to do as commanded. Turning back to the plant, Mecha blinked, staring at the soothing blue color that greeted him. “Hello...” he murmured, looking over the plant. “What do we have here...?”
Watching Mecha write in his journal, Doctor Whooves asked, “What's up?”
Grinning, Mecha replied, “I'll tell you in a sec... turn off the lights for a second, will ya?”
Shrugging his shoulders, Big Macintosh did as Mecha asked, and turned off the lights, causing a darkness to descend upon the room. Nopony (or noweasel in Dolosus's case) could see anything for a minute, before a vibrant red glow started to emit from the flower in front of Mecha. “Praise Luna!” Mecha hollered out, as Big Macintosh turned the lights on, the flower shifting from red back to the blue it was earlier.
Sighing, Dolosus said, “And that's another patent to add to my workload...”
LINEBREAKER
Mecha walked down Ponyville's main street, a small bouquet of the recently crossbred flowers in hoof. Looking around, he spotted his mark, and smiled before shouting, “Cheerilee!”
Cheerilee stopped in her tracks, turning to see Mecha. Frowning initially, she noticed the flowers he had with him, before shaking her head and smiling. Nodding him over, she quickly sat on a nearby bench.
Mecha happily made his way to join her... only to be cut off by two unicorns. Mecha tried to step around them, only for them to step back into his way. “Um... can I help you?” Mecha asked, trying once again to step around them.
The one on the left nodded her head, asking, “Are you Mecha?”
Eye twitching, he replied, “Yes, but if you don't mind, I'm a bit busy right now...” before trying to fake them out, only to fail.
The one on the right said, “That is irrelevant, you're coming with us now,” as she stepped to block Mecha once more.
Stopping, Mecha glared at the two, and replied, “No bucking way. I've been in trouble with my marefriend for the last few days, and I finally have a chance to make it up to her. Now then, GET OUT OF MY PRIDE FORSAKEN WAY!”
The two merely blinked as he yelled at them, before they replied, “Negative,” and channeled magic into their horns.
Growling, Mecha sent some magic into his eyes, which widened when he saw their magic surrounding him. Glaring, he turned to Cheerilee who was making her way towards the trio. “I'll explain when I escape from these two!” Mecha hollered to her, tossing the bouquet of flowers towards her before he disappeared in a flash of light.
Blinking, Cheerilee caught the flowers while staring at where the three ponies had just been. “That,” she stated, “could've gone a lot better.” Taking a sniff of the flowers, she sighed, before making her way home. “All he needed to do was apologize... no need to get me these lovely flowers...”
LINEBREAKER
Mecha instantly released his sword from his mechanical leg and held it to the throat of one of the unicorns, saying, “Explain to me why you kidnapped me, and do it quick!”
Staring Mecha down, the unicorn replied, “You were on the list of this year's Miss Equestria Beauty Pageant entrants, and all entrants must be present at least an hour before it starts.”
Eye twitching, Mecha put his sword away, asking, “How in Lucifer's frozen lake did I get entered into this pageant? After all, I'm a mister, not a miss.”
Sighing, the unicorn on his right replied, “Around 22 years ago we got sued for denying a stallion entrance, and we are now required to allow both mares and stallions into the contest. And as for your entrance... I believe the princesses signed you up.”
Eye twitching at a rapid pace, Mecha said, “Sure they did. Probably laughed while doing so too.”
Nodding her head, the unicorn on his right said, “They also mentioned something about payback, paperwork, and drugs while doing so.”
Sighing, Mecha asked, “So what now?”
Both unicorns glanced at each other, before nodding their heads and saying, “Doctor.”
LINEBREAKER
“So doc, what'cha need?” Mecha asked, sitting down as the doctor poked and prodded him.
Writing stuff down, the doctor said, “Nothing much. Just some basic questions to make sure you're healthy and legal to participate.”
Mecha perked up, asking, “Can we start with those? I'd like to avoid participating if I could.”
Nodding his head, the doctor asked, “In that case, have you ever had plastic surgery?”
Blinking, Mecha asked, “Does attaching a metal leg to myself after losing my real leg count?”
Shaking his head, the doctor replied, “Nope. Any physical illnesses?”
Sighing, Mecha replied, “Besides missing a leg... my stomach is about half the size of anypony else's.”
Eyebrow raised, the doctor asked, “Are you anorexic?”
It was Mecha's turn to shake his head, saying, “Eenope. Spent 666 days in Hell eating nothing but ration pills. Used to be my stomach wasn't even a quarter of normal size... but hey, I've been eating more.”
Nodding his head, the doctor continued with, “Finally, mental disorders?”
Grinning, Mecha replied, “Finally, something I can work with! I have PTSD.”
Looking Mecha straight into the eyes, the doctor asked, “Trigger?”
Caught off guard, Mecha stuttered out, “Er... Diamond Dogs...?”
The doctor wrote that down, before saying, “You're clear to go- nothing here is going to trigger your PTSD.”
Groaning, Mecha asked, “I don't suppose you'd just mark me unfit to enter so I don't have to do this, would ya?”
Shaking his head, the doctor said, “That would require you to submit yourself to a couple years therapy. I figured you'd want to avoid that.”
Sighing, Mecha replied, “Yeah, I'd like that. Granted, I'll probably end up in therapy after this anyways... so... yeah. Thanks anyways doc!” as he walked out the room.
LINEBREAKER
Mecha sighed as he stood on stage, looking bored. It was time for the intro and formal attire portion of the pageant, and he was bored out of his mind. Apparently somepony had gone back for his suit from the Grand Galloping Gala, as that was what he was currently wearing, waiting for his turn. “...and finally, the only stallion competing this year, Mecha!”
Giving out another sigh, Mecha walked up the catwalk, stood disinterested for three seconds, and turned around before walking back. When he got back to his spot, he turned around to something that astonished him... the crowd cheering! Leaning over, he asked the contestant next to him, “Why are they cheering?”
Still smiling at the crowd, he voice betrayed the mare as she harshly whispered, “You matched you outfit with your personality there you dolt! The crowd eats that up!”
Raising an eyebrow, Mecha sighed as he walked off stage, grabbing his gear for the talent portion. As the last to be introduced, he was the first to present his talent. Walking back onto stage, Mecha sighed as he faced the, to him, invisible judges.
“So...” came a female sounding voice, “what do you plan on showing us today?”
Letting out an annoyed sigh, Mecha replied, “Combat skills.”
Hearing a light mumble from the crowd, a male voice spoke up saying, “Care to elaborate?”
Shrugging, Mecha said, “No.”
The mumbling was replaced with laughter, as a sigh came from the male voice. “Very well then,” it said, “You may start.”
Mecha gave a quick shrug, as somepony rolled out a trolly with fruit on it. Pulling out his swords, Mecha got onto his rear hooves before stomping onto the trolly, causing the fruit to fly into the air. When they reached their peaks, Mecha sliced them all so fast that everypony saw only a blur. When he finished, the fruit all fell into a bowl perfectly sliced as Mecha started to pull knives from his sash and flung them into a piece of wood across the stage, slowly making an image of him, Sugary Spice, Wolfgang, and Cheerilee. Awed at this, nopony noticed when he pulled his swords out again, but where shocked when a black wave came through and cut off the excess wood before seeing where it came from. Staring at Mecha, the crowd burst into applause, cheering for his skill.
Raising an eyebrow, Mecha walked off, grabbing the fruit bowl and taking a bite out of a piece of mango.
LINEBREAKER
“Okay people, it's time for the swimsuit portion!” a pony shouted backstage.
Mecha blinked, looking around. Every mare had already gotten into their swimsuits, and were rushing to the edge of the stage. Looking onto the rack to see what he was expected to wear, Mecha shook his head, saying, “No way, not gonna happen,” as he sat on the floor, crossing his forelegs across his chest.
The first of the mares began to make her way across the catwalk, as one of the managers walked up to him and said, “Oh yes it is, even if we have to stuff you in it and throw you onto the stage!”
Standing up, Mecha shot an evil glare at the manager, and replied, “Try it, I dare you. After all, if you try, I can cry foul and get out of this Lust- and Pride- forsaken contest!”
It was the manager's turn for an evil look, a grin breaking out on his face. “On the contrary,” he started, “You're entered in this contest, meaning we can do whatever it takes to make you compete.”
Eyes widening, Mecha said, “You wouldn't...”
The manager just grinned in response.
LINEBREAKER
“And finally, gracing the stage is... Mecha!” the announcer shouted, pointing towards the curtain. At first, nothing happened, until Mecha suddenly was launched from the curtains, flailing his arms about. “And wouldn't you know it folks,” the announcer said, pointing at Mecha, “He chose to swim out for us!”
For indeed, Mecha's random flailing was similar to that of a popular swimming stroke, as he landed roughly onto the catwalk. Standing up, he brushed himself off, ignoring the cheering crowd, before marching behind the stage to pummel the manager for putting him into a speedo, again ignoring the crowd, although this time they were whistling and cat calling.
LINEBREAKER
After removing the speedo, and finding out that no, he couldn't beat the manager into an inch of his Lucifer forsaken life, but he could make death threats, he was called out for the personality portion of the contest.
“Now then,” the announcer started, “This will have no effect on your score from the judges, but will effect if the audience vote will help or hinder you.”
“Oh joy, oh rapture,” Mecha droned out, bored out of his mind. “I get to talk about myself, may I mention the fact that Luna and Celestia entered me in order to get back for causing them paperwork?”
“Well, normally no,” the announcer replied, “but considering that your mike is already on, I guess you just did.”
Snorting, Mecha continued, “And the fact that I was trying to apologize to my marefriend with a bouquet of flowers when you're cronies kidnapped me wouldn't be something I should mention either?”
“Uh... that's right,” the announcer said, beginning to sweat a little. “In fact, you're suppose to let me ask you a few questions to get a feel of your personality.”
Mecha let out a chuckle, and said, “Wouldn't that make this the Q&A section? And besides, how many ponies here really care about my personality?” The crowd started to whisper amongst themselves, interested in what Mecha had to say. “I mean, how many of them are going to care about me once this is over? I just want to go home, make up with Cheerilee, play with my daughter, mock Wolfgang, and scare my two apprentices away from Sugary Spice for a year or two. Maybe even work a little on my forging. But no... I can't do any of that right now because you Pride-forsaken pageant folk won't let me!”
The crowd burst into applause, roaring with approval of his speech. Eye twitching, Mecha continued, “And of course, there is the issue of me somehow being the crowd favorite... I'm not even trying to win folks! Just doing what I'm required to do so I can go home!” The crowd's applause grew, as Mecha sighed, before facing the host. “Can I go now?”
The announcer gulped, before nodding his head. As Mecha walked off stage, he thought to himself, 'This will either be the best interview of my career, or the one that kills it. Either way, please don't let me end up being the one to question him for the next segment.'
LINEBREAKER
Unfortunately for the announcer, his wish didn't come true. Standing back on stage, looking completely bored, was Mecha, and it was his turn to give the questions to the contestants. Swallowing his nerves, he stepped onto the stage, and said, “Good to see you again Mecha! You ready to start?”
Mecha gave him a dead look, before saying, “If I say no, can I skip this ridiculous farce of a contest?”
Shaking his head, the announcer replied, “Sorry, but no. Trust me, I'd love nothing more than to go home to my wife, but unfortunately we have the princesses in the audience tonight, and need to present the best show possible.”
Mecha blinked, before asking, “The princesses are in the audience?”
Nodding his head, the announcer asked, “Yes they are, would you like to say something to them?”
An evil grin broke across his face, as Mecha turned to face the audience. Or, face them the best he could when the lights wouldn't let him see them. Taking in a deep breath, Mecha shouted out, “I'll get you two for this! I have Dolosus going through every bit of legislation ever passed, and he will find a way for me to legally get back at you!” Huffing, Mecha took a seat in the chair offered to him, before grabbing a microphone, and added, “And Luna? I happen to know where your diary is.”
Laughter raced through the audience, as Mecha groaned and faced the announcer. “They don't think I'm serious, do they?” he asked.
Shaking his head, the announcer replied, “No, they don't. Do you really know where Luna keeps her diary?”
Nodding his head, Mecha said, “Eeyup. But I think we should stop wasting time and get to the questions. Sooner we're done, the sooner I can go home.”
Nodding along with Mecha, the announcer said, “I see where you're coming from. Anyways, have you ever read a book called, The Seven Lords of Sin: Their Effect on You and Me?”
Mecha snorted, before a grin broke out on his face. Trying to resist laughing, he giggled a bit before finally bursting out into laughter. Seeing the confused look on the announcer's face, he said, “Check... check the author... and you'll know why I'm laughing!” as he continued to roll around on the floor.
Blinking, the announcer shrugged before grabbing a copy of the book from the ground. Looking at the name of the author, and then at Mecha, he sighed as he facehoofed. Grabbing a pen, he pushed the two together, and said, “Since you're here, would you sign the book?”
Pulling himself together, Mecha chuckled, saying “Sure... I'll even send you a copy of my next book when it comes out,” while signing the book. Finishing with a flourish, he handed it back to the announcer, before saying, “And that makes five of your seven questions.”
It was the announcer's turn to eye twitch, saying, “You've counted every possible question as a question for the Q&A, haven't you?”
Grinning, Mecha replied with one word, “Six.”
Sighing, the announcer said, “Since you'd just answer the normal question with a witty remark without actually answering it...”
Mecha interrupted him, saying, “Now now, I'll take this last question seriously.”
Perking up, the announcer asked, “Really?”
Laughing, Mecha replied, “Eeyup. Especially since you just asked it.”
Blinking, the announcer thought over what he just said, before finally laughing. “You know what?” he said, shaking his head. “I walked right into that one.”
Laughing, Mecha walked off-stage, saying, “Yes you did.”
LINEBREAKER
Mecha was thrilled, he could almost go home! After all, once they presented the first place prize, he'd be out faster than Rainbow Dash could fly!
...Although, he was slightly suspicious about what was going on. After all, the audience loved him, despite his best efforts, and yet he hadn't come in second or third. With how much the audience usual rated in these kinds of things, he was certain he'd take third, possibly second. That meant either the audience actually held vary little sway, or... oh no.
“And finally,” the host started.
'Please oh please tell me they didn't...' Mecha thought to himself.
\ “In first place,” the host continued.
'If they did, I swear I'm blowing up the princesses beds!' Mecha continued to think.
“Mecha!” the host yelled.
Mecha groaned, as the audience cheered while the managers of the events came forward and put a tiara- a Pride forsaken, diamond-encrusted, golden tiara- upon his head. Eye twitching, he took the bouquet of flowers they handed to him, before being ushered up to the microphone.
“Mecha, how does it feel to be the first stallion in history to be named Miss Equestria?” the host asked, turning to face Mecha.
Mecha blinked, before replying, “Stupid. I didn't enter myself, the princesses did. Furthermore, I did nothing to try and win, merely acted like a jerk since I was stuck competing, and did everything as fast as possible to get out of here. Now then, can I please go home so I can apologize to my marefriend for everything I was going to apologize for in addition to disappearing on short notice?”
Shocked, the host asked, “Don't you want your prize?”
Eye twitching faster than Pinkie Pie on an energy drink, Mecha replied, “Just send it to my home. Celestia and Luna are bound to have my address, and in a worse case scenario, have somepony follow the pony in a cloak heading towards Ponyville. Chances are they send him to get a statue of this.”
Suddenly, Celestia's voice rang out from the crowd, saying, “I'd like it done to scale, in a nice pretty pink metal!”
Mecha started to walk off stage, shouting, “That'll cost 100,000 bits- Rose gold is expensive!”
Laughter rang out, before Luna hollered, “And a statue done in green about what lead to this situation!”
Mecha, who'd just walked off stage, stuck his head out, and shouted, “Copper Oxidized statue series, 20,000 bits!” before forcibly grabbing one of the unicorns that had brought him there, and made her teleport him back to Ponyville.
LINEBREAKER
Mecha's eye twitched as he walked through Ponyville, heading towards Cheerilee's home. He should've been more specific when he asked for a teleportation, as he had to walk across the entire town of Ponyville with a tiara on his head, a bouquet of flowers in his hooves, and a sash that said Miss Equestria on it slung across his chest. The fact that everypony he knew had been at the train station seeing Applejack off when he was... deposited there. Needless to say, it was not one of his finer moments.
Anyways, it turned out that the only pony NOT seeing Applejack off was Cheerilee, who was working on her lesson plan for the week. Walking up to her door, Mecha knocked on it, waiting for Cheerilee. Hearing her hoofsteps, Mecha tried to make himself seem less... something, when the door opened.
“Can I... help... you...?” Cheerilee asked, staring at Mecha. Getting a good look at the tiara and sash, she started to giggle, before coughing and regaining her composure. “Would you like to come in?” she asked, completely opening the door and stepping aside to let him in.
“I'd love to,” he stated, stepping through. “And I don't suppose you'd like another bouquet of flowers and a tiara? I'd offer the sash and title as well, but the sash is spelled on for another day, and the title is stuck with me until next year.”