“...Wasn’t she awful?” Daisy was heard to growl, as we trotted away from the sodden boutique at a moderate pace.
“Huh?” I replied, too busy to properly listen as I was trying to put as much distance between us and those crazy ponies as I could. I thought Earth was an asylum, but this place is like if the lunatics were running it…
“It’s a meta joke. A non-fan like you wouldn’t understand.” Daisy chuckled at her own alleged cleverness, before turning her attention back to me. “Still, thanks for saving my life, Big Brother. I mean, you were only kinda doing your job of protecting me like Mum always says, but at least I know I can count on you for something. If I spot any dangers in the future, I’ll be sure to tell you… and you can go first!”
“Thanks… I guess.” I responded to Daisy’s ‘praise’ with an arched eyebrow, realising this was probably as good as I was going to get from her in terms of a genuine compliment. “Anyway, where are we headed to next? I seem to remember some meekish yellow pegasus from the show, who said as few words as possible and knew when to keep quiet. Sounds like somepony a person I know could take some lessons from…”
“That'll be Fluttershy… but never mind her for now!” If Daisy had taken the blazingly obvious hint there, she had a funny way of showing it. “Don’t you realise what you just did back there, Darren? You used magic! That was amazing! How did you do it? What did it feel like? D’ya think you could do it again? Maybe, try something harder than a simple teleportation spell?”
“Um, I really don’t know. I just really wanted to get out of there on account of the fact we were about to run out of oxygen and abracadabra-alakazam! My horn suddenly flared up like a Christmas tree, and we were outside once more. Perhaps this whole sorcery lark is easier than I thought…”
“Let’s see something else now, please Big Brother! A cool blast of magical energy! Make us float to the clouds! Turn me green, or something! I hate being purple…”
“Yeah, it’s not great is it? Everytime I look down at myself, I feel like a giant furry aubergine. Tell you what I’ll do… I’ll zap that stray dandelion in that backyard over there. No one’s going to miss a single weed, are they?”
“What? I always thought they were flowers.”
“Sorry Daisy, but they ain’t. A common misconception, like tomatoes and pumpkins being vegetables and Adam Sandler being funny. Dandelions are considered just as much a pest as thistles, nettles and um, certain other parasitic growths with flowery names you can’t get rid of…”
“No wonder my teacher Mrs Truncheon frowned at me, after I brought her a bunch of them after she returned from major surgery. I-I was just trying to save some money to buy Frozen stickers with, and they looked so pretty there in that field…”
“Yeah, that was probably a bad move. I’m starting to see why she’s always got it in for you. Anyway, step aside, Missy. You’re about to witness a true master magician at work…”
After that aggressively humble introduction, I confidently stepped over to the side of the fence surrounding the garden, ready to pulverise the pesky posie with pure power.
If I can blink out of an overflowing fish tank with nary any effort, this simple incantation ought to be a breeze. Plus, and I’d never say this to her face, it’s actually nice to attract my little sister’s hero worship for a change, instead of being treated like something particularly nasty she stepped in at the park. Regardless, here goes nothing…
I closed my eyes just like I did before, and imagined the dandelion being burnt to a crisp. Utterly annihilated by my awesome energy. Absolutely blown away out of existence. Somewhat over-excited at the prospect of a mere bloom being magically pruned, I tentatively opened my eyelids once again…
…Only to find, where there should’ve been a giant smoking crater on the ground, the wayward weed still waved in the wind without so much as a scratch. I’d like to say I’m surprised but somehow… I’m not. And is it just my fervent imagination, or is that seemingly innocent plant mocking me for my utter failure?
“Typical. Just when I thought you could do something that was actually pretty impressive, you let me down yet again. Tell me Big Brother, what are you good for? Apart from sleeping all day, leaving half-eaten Mars bars lying around and beating a nine-year old girl one-nil at FIFA soccer in extra time, I mean…”
“W-Well, I did kinda sorta save your scaly hide back there at the clothes shop. You even told me that yourself.”
“Oh that? That was yesterday’s news. I’ve forgotten about it already. You better keep on doing amazing things, to stay in my good books. Like this, for example. Brace yourself…”
“Erm, what are you doing, Daisy? Why have you gotten off my back? Why are you taking in such a deep breath? Why are you…” Uh oh.
Realising what my determinedly rebellious, law-unto-herself little sister was about to do, and remembering what happened the last time she decided to heedlessly play with fire, I quickly took a few paces backwards in understandable fear of the inferno from hell she might unleash. The way she’s going at the moment, we’ll have burned Ponyville to the ground before we escape from it. Can’t wait ‘til the upcoming MLP reboot, set in a post-aclopalyptic society…
My thoughts were interrupted by my draconic sibling exhaling with great vigour, and a thin stream of controlled flame emerge from her reptilian mouth. It sped towards its golden target like an arrow, leaving the unsuspecting dandelion incinerated within seconds. Nothing remained but the faintest wisp of smoking vegetation in the breeze, and (naturally) the ever-present insufferable smugness of my sister, which could almost be considered a physical object in its own right.
“See, I told you I had control over my fire powers now. You didn’t believe me, did you? But I proved you wrong, oh yes I did!!”
“Fine, you’re an expert at gardening now. If we ever get home and you’re still in the same body, I’m sure Mum would be grateful if you’d help her with our rose bush. Those nasty thorns won’t ever bother her sore hands again, and that bad back of hers will be a thing of the past!”
“...Don’t even joke about me having to live looking like this forever, Darren. I will not be graduating to secondary school with a tail, horns and a non-stop hunger for jewellery! Anyway, now I’ve proven my superiority to you beyond any reasonable doubt, shall we go find Fluttershy? Remember: the trick around her is to not raise your voice, and…”
“My dandelion! My prize dandelion!!”
“...Yeah, like that. Just like that, Big Brother. Don’t shout like a maniac when we see her, or we’ll lose the last of our chances at befriending any of the Main Six, and possibly our only opportunity at defeating Nightmare Moon…”
“Er, Dais… it’s not me making that noise. Take a look over there.”
“My precious dandelion!! How could you… monsters!! Hoodlums!! Villains!!”
“Wut? Why, that’s…”
Whilst Daisy had been bragging about ruling the world based on her enviable ability to dispose of a single weed with a flamethrower, the door to the house near the backyard had swung open. There stood a middle-aged white-maned mare with large spectacles jumping up and down, yelling at the top of her voice. I could not really tell what colour the rest of her fur was, since she’d literally turned red with anger. Well, reddish anyway.
“Huh, what’s your problem? It was only a single dandelion! If anything, you should be thanking us for doing your manual labour free of charge! Do you have a fetish for weeds, or something? How strange…”
I couldn’t help but react with slight incredulity at what I regarded as a massive overreaction by the geriatric pony. This is why I don’t get on with mouthy pensioners. Yeah sure, you fought in the war, brought up the next generation and helped lay the foundations of today. Blah blah blah. Still doesn’t give you the right to tell me where or when I can ride my skateboard, does it?
“O-Only a dandelion? Do you have any idea how rare those sacred plants are in Equestria?! I spent half my life, over twenty-five years growing mine, and along you come with your dragon friend to kill it in an instant! There was only one of these in the entirety of Ponyville, and now it’s gone forever… because of you two conscienceless criminals!”
“U-Uh, sorry about that. We’re not from around here, Miss…”
“...Mayor Mare, you cheeky young unicorn! Surely you knew that already, as you were well aware of the damage you’d wrought by destroying my dandelion! Even beyond its picturesque beauty, visitors came from miles around just to see it, take photos, buy merchandise with its image on… you may just have bankrupted Ponyville with your bafflingly destructive urges!”
“Oh Jeez lady, we really didn’t know. You see, where we come from they’re as common as muck, and not exactly worshipped the way they are here…”
“Um Darren, I think it’s time to do what we do best.”
“What’s that Dais, you mean…”
“Vanish into the distance without a trace, after yet another ginormus screw-up?”
“Sounds like a plan to me. Erm, apologies again ‘Mayor Mare’, but we have to be going now. If we find any other ‘valuable’ dandelions on our travels, we’ll be sure to bring them straight to you. Also, if we locate any hair dye, we’ll fetch you that as well. A pony of your tender years shouldn’t be walking around all prematurely grey and stuff…”
“Er, Big Brother, I know you’re trying to be nice and all after what we just did, but she actually dyes it that colour out of choice. Underneath all that white, she’s really as pink as… well, Pinkie Pie.”
“Pffff, don’t be silly, Daisy. Who’d be dumb enough to want to look like an old fogie by choice? You’d have to be a bit stupid to want that, and…” Oops, I just realised who I’m talking to; a walking, talking, fire-breathing Bible of the show. So that means what my sis is saying must be 100% correct, and by that same conclusion we can assume…
Yep, it was foot(hoof)-in-mouth-time once again. A somewhat familiar feeling, with a desperately predictable outcome.
“O-Old fogie? S-Stupid? And who told that dragon about my deepest, darkest secre… hey, come back here, you two! Guards! Stop them; oh wait I forgot, we don’t have any here. I knew I should’ve put aside a few bits to hire some local security in this year’s budget. Still, mark my words, anonymous-pony-and-reptilian-companion, when I find you I’ll… I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll have to mull over it for a while. For now though, I need to make some ‘Wanted’ posters, organise a search party… and take my cookies out of the oven!” *SLAM*
******************
*Puff Pant* “You know what, Big Brother?”
“No, oddly enough Dais, I’m not a mind reader. Do lay it on me.”
“I’m starting to think hanging out with you here was a huge mistake. I’m not getting to properly meet any of my favourites from the show or even enjoy the scenery, because of your big mouth!”
“What?! Oh so, she finally admits it! You’re not trying to help us get home at all, you just wanna hang out here sightseeing with your fictional pony friends! Well this ‘pony’ is sick of this place, and wants out ASAP! And no matter how much you try vandalising our chances, I will find a way back!”
“Wait Darren, did I just hear you accuse me…?”
“Accuse? No. Blame? Yes.”
“Y-You take that back!! You take that back right now!!”
“I can’t Daisy, the words have already left my ‘big mouth’. Besides, I’d be a liar if I did that. And you know how Mum always taught us not to lie, right…?”
“Okay, that’s it. I’ve made a massive decision. I’m leaving you this second to see more of Equestria while I have the chance without you getting in the way. I’ll probably find a way home way before you too, even though I won't be looking for one!”
“Sounds good to me! I won’t have a spoiled brat cramping my style, giving me bad advice and setting off major fires left, right and centre. Honestly, what else did I expect from a little girl who thinks the answer to every problem is to throw a baby tantrum? I’ll drop you a line when I find my way out of here; come with me if you like, but if you don’t I won’t be shedding any tears.”
“...Fine, Big Brother!”
“... Suits me, ‘Little Sister’.”
“Before I go though, there’s something you should know.”
“Oh, that ‘you truly love me, and things will be different from now on?’ Yeah right, I’m not falling for that one again.”
“Nope. You have boobs.”
“WWWHHHAAATTT?!”