//------------------------------// // I Got Kidnapped // Story: Well, That Stinks. // by Nugget27 //------------------------------// So, have you ever stared up at a dark, cloud of smoke that wants to murder you with every fiber of its being? Have you ever stared up at a pony head, that is in a dark, murderous cloud of smoke that looks like it lost a few screws and went mentally insane. Have you ever wondered why the actual buck woke you up today? Or why the buck this mentally insane, pony headed, dark cloud of smoke, that is probably addicted to crystals, is yelling at you? No? Just me? Well, I suppose I can tell you mostly about what led up to me staring at an angry, murderous, mentally insane, pony head in a cloud of smoke.  It all started out simple, I woke up in the warm, cuddling embrace of my mother… I yawned, I was squeezed under the bed, between Mom and Skitters. The three of us went swimming yesterday, and it was pretty fun… Except I couldn’t swim, so Skitters taught me how to swim while Mom recorded with a camera while she gushed about how handsome I looked with goggles on. Once I figured out how to swim, the three of us played with a beach ball. Ponies looked at us weird, a few looked at Mom’s flanks and were subsequently hit in the head with a blueberry pie, via a squad of our guards that were supposed to watch over us. Overall, it was really fun, surprisingly even if it felt weird to wear goggles. Skitter yelled ‘Marco’ and Mom yelled ‘Polo’ for some reason. Whoever the buck those guys are, I dunno.  Then I got hit with a tidal wave after Mom decided to start a water fight with my sister, and I had the misfortune to be in between Florial and Skitters.  Needless to say, we were all pretty tired, but Mom managed to sneak Celestia out of the castle halfway through our little adventure and that was fun. Except for the fact that Celestia kept staring at Mom in her swimsuit, for some reason. I know those two want to get married, which is really weird since I’m apparently Celestia’s consort, even if I’m only her consort to make Luna mad, so I guess I shouldn’t question why the Princess and my Mom keep staring at each other’s butts. So, because the more tired my family gets, the harder they want to cuddle with me. I couldn’t squeeze out from Mom’s iron grip, as she snuggled closer to me and yawned. So I just pouted; my little pocket watch, that I might’ve stolen from Blueblood’s mansion, said it was well past twelve, and I want to spend the day with Cadance and Shining Armor. So, I turned into a mouse, squeezed out from Mom’s grip, and slipped my sister into where I was, so Mom wouldn’t wake up. I rubbed my hooves together at my scheming, before taking a picture of my family cuddling because it was pretty cute, and everypony takes pictures of cute looking things. I nuzzled Soft, who was coloring away in a coloring book, and went to go find Cadance and Shining Armor, who were in the room right across from mine. “Are you sure that we should agree to going to the newly formed Crystal Empire?” Cadance asked. “I know Celestia asked us to, I feel like we’re going into a death trap.” “Oh please, Auntie Celestia likes me! I am her student’s B.B.B.F.F! And her nephew, now that I’m married to you. She wouldn’t kill us!” I sat there while their magic worked, grabbing various objects while packing them into suitcases. “That’ll teach you to eat my. Bucking. Slice. Of. Breakfast. Cake, Shining Armor!” Celestia rubbed her hooves. “Nopony eats my cake, nopony…” She giggled. “I think I’m going too far, and I feel a little evil! This must be how Luna felt! Now we have something to bond over. I sent my nephew and niece to my evil ex-husband's home, and Lulu tried to destroy the world because she was mad about being called a monster everyday simply because she was Princess of the Night and my little ponies didn’t like the night.” She clapped her hooves. “Huzzah! We can grow even closer as sisters, and maybe become villains!”  Celestia giggled at the prospect of bonding with her little sister more because of this. Then that newfound got crushed by a strong feeling of guilt. “I feel awful now. I’m going to have to get a giftcard for Cadance because she’ll want to tag along with her husband… Oh! I know! I can send Twilight in, to not only test her, but to fix up the problem I just made for myself! It’s a win, win, win!” Celestia paused. “Wait, what if Cadance dies before Twilight shows up to save the day? I like her- wait, she’s an alicorn, we do not do the die, after all… Shining Armor can break a leg for eating my breakfast cake though…” She shrugged. “I feel like I got turned into a horrible, immoral, parody version of myself for the plot of a terrible comedy to lead into the events of The Crystal Empire Pt. 1 and 2… I wonder why.” “Because you are,” a chicken nugget said before disappearing into the void of terrible ideas. “Thank you for kick starting my stupid story arc…” Nugget27’s voice faded into nothingness as Celestia was factory resetted to Celestia from last chapter, and not a parody or meme of herself… She sighed and got ready to drown herself in paperwork until Queen Flarial could foalnap her for a fun, very fun showcase of their various sets of battle armor later and four in the afternoon. “Oh my, a test from Celestia! Surely she didn’t come up with this at the drop of a hat!” Twilight did a little dance. “Why does it say that my test begins in four months?” She asked Spike. “I don’t know.” The baby dragon shrugged. “I’m going to get some food from the Royal Kitchens, want anything?” “A muffin would be nice.” Twilight responded. Spike gave a thumbs up before going towards the kitchen… For some reason, somepony was screaming and squealing at the top of their lungs… Why was that? fourteen minutes ago I climbed up on the bed, and neither the Princess of Food or Shining Armor noticed me yet. They opened up another suitcase, and I felt something pick me up with magic, before I was promptly stuffed into it. I squealed and screamed. “You heard that, right Cadance?” Shining Armor asked as he stuffed a shirt in my mouth by accident. Why the buck do you need a shirt, you son of a bucking piece of dirt! You have bucking fur! That’s it, everything in this suitcase will become my food for the next few weeks. You stupid, bucking horse. “The sound of Stinky? One of the female guards probably got tired of waiting around for the changeling to mate with somepony, and probably kidnapped him. It was bound to happen,” Cadance shrugged. “Because Auntie Luna is a sissy and can’t ask Stinky on a date, so nopony’s claimed him yet.” I am going to hit these two in the head with a frying pan. I screamed and Squealed and yelled a lot of profanities while the suitcase was put off to the side, being stuffed with six shirts, a bag of beef jerky, for some reason, and a whole Stinky Changeling. Shortly after I was done screaming, I realized that I probably wasn’t getting out any time soon, since neither Cadance or Shining Armor managed to not hear me at all…  So I just laid there, in my suitcase, after eating the shirts inside of it, so I finally had enough space to- ow. What the heck? What hit my suitcase? Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I whimpered as what felt like Princess Celestia’s butt came down on my suitcase. Luckily, it held up, but only barely. I had to slim myself down through changeling magic just to avoid being crushed. I sighed before figuring if.. Screaming got me nowhere, I should try something new. Such as screaming even louder and even longer. “SCREEEEE!” The suitcase opened after two weeks of continuous, unhinged screaming, I was free! I’m finally… “Stinky? Why are you in my suitcase? And where are my shirts?” Shining Armor was staring down at me along with a rather… tired looking Cadance. “Why are you here, in the Crystal Empire with us?” “I sat in your room while you were packing, and I wanted to spend the day with you and Cadance… Then you STUFF ME INTO YOUR BUCKING SUITCASE!” I growled. “I WAS SCREAMING FOR WEEKS AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN BUCKING NOTICE!” Shining Armor blinked before pointing a hoof at me. “Okay, where is the real Stinky and what did you do to him? Usually Stinky’s mellow, happy, and doesn’t really know what’s going on. You… seem intelligent.” Shining said. Cadance was just staring at me in shock. “Maybe I accidentally stuffed a different changeling into my bag? After all, those guys love coming to our room for snuggles, and…” “I’m Stinky,” I hopped out of the suitcase and shook myself off. “You stuffed me in a suitcase and left me in there for two weeks, without noticing. If you can’t tell, I’m a little mad about that…” I shook my head. “I’m stupid because I want to be stupid, don’t… Oh! Shiny!” I found a crystal ball just on the floor and started poking at it. “Really… pretty…” I picked it up in my jaws and started licking it. “So why is everything nice and shiny?” I looked around… even the bedsheets were shiny. “Because,” Cadance snickered at my usual stupidity, a small break in her tired face. “We got sent to the Crystal Empire to keep King Sombra out, and we’re a bit…” Her face fell. Her horn’s also been lit the whole time. “Worn thin. We have a battalion of guards, but none of them can really do anything.” She slowly walked over to me, like it took a great deal of effort. “Sorry about stuffing you in the suitcase, I think Shiny was the one who did that, and not noticing. We’ve… got bigger fish to fry right now. For instance, King Sombra- eep!” Cadance flinched back when I licked her nose and nuzzled into her. “Stop looking tired and depressed; I hate seeing my favorite, married, Princess be so… defeated.” “Favorite, married Princess?” “Yeah, you’re married, a Princess, and you’re my favorite. Is there anypony else that fits that description?” I said while firmly nuzzled under her wing while I groomed her. “No, I suppose not…” Cadance sighed. “Well, you can share a room with me and Shining Armor, since the Crystal Castle is a bit filled with traps, and the throne room is really the only place that has- where are you-” I jumped out of a nearby window to go explore the Crystal Empire. I must sniff everything, I must lick everything, I must chew on at least one crystal before I can settle down and take a nap with Cadance! I… must lick a Crystal Pony… there’s so many, but they hide at the very sight of me. Now I’m sad… Oh! A crystal bench, must… sniff. I sniffed every inch, pony, and thing in the Crystal Empire. A lot of the ponies looked depressed, and looked kinda sad for some reason. I think I can see why, because I was staring into the eyes of a pony head, in the dark cloud of evilness, as it glared down at me. If something this ugly was sitting outside of my home, then I would probably be sad and depressed too. Especially when it keeps talking and talking and talking about how it knows what I am or something. “Stinky…” The evil cloud pony said. “You could be so much more if you gave into your inner darkness.” “Okay,” I tilted my head. “What’s inner darkness? Is it like this one time Celestia gave me a taco from some place called Bell Tacino, and I was stuck on the toilet for sixteen hours?” “...What?” It asked. “What is a taco-nevermind-Stinky, just think mean thoughts. Think of how Luna once wanted to kill you out on the streets of Canterlot. Think, think of how-” All I could think of was a waffle flopping over on a kitchen counter. “Waffles.” I tilted my head. “Why are you trying to think of poop?” “Are you bucking stupid!?” Sombra, that’s the cloud pony’s name by the way. “Think of power! Think of being a bucking king! Something! Are you bucking stupid?” It groaned. “I think I’ll just try to kill you. You’re lucky that I can’t get to you, and that I’m on the other side of this shield spell.” He asked.  “So you’re a weak, stupid little pony?” I tilted my head again. “Because if you were big and strong like my old mother, you would reach around and cut my stomach open while laughing like a maniac!” By the way, I’ve been sitting in front of this cloud pony for weeks, six weeks actually. We’ve been talking, and this has been how our conversation has been going. He would try to get me to think of poopy thoughts, and then I try and can’t think of anything. Once, I thought of this. But then I forgot what I was thinking and it would piss Sombra off. “I hate you.” Sombra groaned. “Wait… wasn’t I supposed to be stopping Princess Cadance from retrieving the Crystal Heart- Meanwhile “Wow, this test was really easy,” Twilight hummed. “After we found the Crystal Heart, passing the test was a piece of cake!” She cheered. “I can’t wait to see my grade!” She cheered. She then paused. “Hey Cadance,” the pink alicorn looked up, despite how tired she was. “Didn’t you and Shiny accidentally bring Stinky along? That’s why Queen Florial is here after all.” In the corner, there was a nearly unconscious Shining Armor, and two pissed off members of changeling royalty. Princess Skitters was shouting at him for kidnapping her brother and Queen Flarial was yelling at him as well.  The Queen was holding a rolling pin and a flag pole. “Why is nopony helping me?” The Prince whimpered as slurs were shouted into his sensitive pony ears. “You see… I offered to let Stinky stay with us until anypony could come to rescue him, but then he broke a window and jumped out of it. We haven’t heard from him since, though Sombra was staring at a specific point in the barrier, and it looked like he was talking with somepony.” Well, the cloud pony is dead. Like there was a flash of light, an explosion of… some sort, and Sombra’s dead. Oh hey, there’s a wallet next to the dead corpse… and it’s loaded with bits. Now, I have no money, I have no use for money, but I could really use a train ticket so I could go home. The only problem is that I forgot the name of the capital city of Equestria, which is where I was living. So I’ll just go to the train station and buy a ticket, and hope for the best. The train that I saw coming in earlier, that Sombra ignored because he was too busy talking to me, was still here. So I went up to the train station and bought a ticket for some random town called Appleloosa. That sounds like a name that ponies would name their capital city… I think. The pony working the train station gave me a weird look until I gave them the entirety of the wallet full of bits. Then they gave me a big, warm smile and gave me first class riding, whatever that meant. I laid down in my chair and stared out the window… Why are Twilight and her friends here? Why are they boarding the train? The train started up, and I hid under my seat while Twilight and her friends passed me. “You’d think Queen Florial would come back to Canterlot as soon as she can,” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “C’mon, it’s Stinky… he… Okay, I get why she’s staying out here to search for him.” She snickered. “I can’t believe how badly your brother got beat! I also didn’t know a rolling pin could be used to break shield spells!” “I… didn’t think Shiny’s shield could be broken,” Twilight said. “After all, it’s the strongest shield spell in all of Equestria.” “Well, he did accidentally kidnap Queen Florial’s son,” Apple Jack chimed in. “I’m just surprised that she’s that strong.” “She isn’t,” Futtershy added rather quietly. “I’ve seen maternal aggression in my animals before. Queen Flarial… was in full, raging mother mode. Didn’t Queen Chrysalis beat Celestia in a fight? And Queen Flarial claims to be stronger than Chrysalis?” She asked. I tuned them out after finding old chewing gum on the top of my seat, and I started chewing on it. The sound of the mares slowly grew more and more distant as they were shown their own train car. I watched the landscape as the train passed through fields, mountains, forests… Oh, a lake! I want to go to that lake. I hummed, before head butting the window and jumping out. “Hey, isn’t that Stinky?” Rainbow pointed at the train car in front of them. Low and behold, there was a changeling staring out the window, wearing the necklace Stinky usually wore, along with the collar that Luna had put on him at some point after claiming him as her consort. “Shouldn’t we get him?” “Yeah, we should- oh dear Celestia,” Rarity cringed. “He just broke the window with his head.” All but Pinkie Pie cringed, that had to hurt. “Hey! Stinky just jumped out the window!” Pinkie pointed out. “HE BUCKING WHAT!?” The Elements of Harmony watched as Stinky tucked, ducked, and rolled as he collided with the ground. He rolled for a few minutes, before coming to a stop. He got up, shook himself off and started trotting over to a lake off in the distance… They were nearly five hundred fourteen thousand miles away from Canterlot. In fact, because of how far north the Crystal Empire was, the train had to go through Griffonia… Apple Jack lifted her hat up and pulled out some emergency, extra strong apple cider and started chugging the thing. Stinky just jumped out of the speeding train, and was perfectly fine, in the middle of bucking Griffonia, to… swim in a lake. “...Who wants to tell Queen Flarial that we didn’t stop her son from hopping out of a train?” Apple Jack slurred. She was drunk now. “How the buck do we even tell anypony what the buck just happened to Stinky?!” Twilight shouted. “What? We found Stinky, but he jumped out of a moving train and lived? Something like that would kill most ponies, and he just shrugged it off! I couldn’t grab him with my magic because he’s too far away, and this happened fourteen thousand bucking miles away from his home? If anypony heard us, they’d think we’re crazy!” They all sat in horror as a bear charged Stinky, only for Stinky to turn into a hydra and slap the thing into a nearby tree. Somehow, that was the most shocking thing that the mares had seen from Stinky. He has self preservation skills. I sniffed the water and sat down. This is nice. I’m going to have a nice vacation in… I think this is somewhere in Equestria. I just beat up a bear because it wanted to eat me, and now I got to go swimming again. Now if only I could tell Skitters and Mom so that we can all have a vacation. I’ve never learnt how to actually ride a train, but I think this is Appleloosa, so that means I’m… where’s Canterlot Castle? I think I’m missing an important detail about where I am, or where my home is.