“Wow. Didya hear that, sugarcube?”
“Yeah, of course I did. What’s with the little dragon being called Daisy?! Not really a dragon-type name, is it? I mean, it’s okay to like flowers I guess, but dragons? I’ve never heard of such a thing…”
“No, not that, Rainbow Dash. I was talkin’ ‘bout them supposedly being Brother and Sister. Must be an adoptive situation. Also, though I was a fair distance away, I’m sure I heard somethin’ ‘bout them not being from ‘round here…”
“Well, that much is obvious, Applejack. I don’t know how many dragon and pony families there are, but my guess is… not many. One of my best friends is a griffon, but I think I’d draw the line at having her as my sister! That’s if my parents didn’t drive her away first with their constant…”
“Shush, Rainbow. I need to concentrate. I don’t know what it is, But I feel somehow… drawn to this particular unicorn in a big way, and I won’t stop researchin’ her ‘til I figure out why.”
“Which one, the prissy one or the weird one? And by ‘researching’, do you mean stalk...”
“I suppose you could put it like that, yes. Usually I wouldn’t even consider doin’ such a sneaky thing… but I’ve never felt anythin’ like this before ‘bout a total stranger, and I need answers. Feel free to join me, or go back home any time you want.”
“...I wasn’t gonna say anything, Applejack, in case you thought I’d gone nuts, but I’ve been having the same thoughts too. So I’m not going anywhere, even if it’s just to see how that unicorn knows all that private stuff about us and to laugh at the existence of a dragon called Daisy(!)”
“...Well in any case, glad to have your company. My brother can take care of the farmwork while I’m gone, I hope I’m not keepin' you from anything important.”
“Um, not really. I was just gonna catch some Z’s, maybe kick a few clouds later out of the sky to clear it up. Do you wanna know my record-breaking time? You’ll never guess…”
*******************
“No, no. Too green…” Wait, did I just look like The Statue Of Liberty? I suppose that just about passes muster as an ‘adult’ joke in a kids cartoon. Well done, writers. Well done indeed.
“Too yellow…” Too flowery, and too skirt-like you mean! And I’m a dude! Dudes don’t wear skirts… unless they’re Scottish. Which I’m not!
“Too poofy…” Hang on, did she use an anti-gay slur? Of course not, this is the late 10’s and everyone should be treated equally. Well, apart from deadbeat dads. Screw them.
“Not poofy enough…” Okay, so I can tell this show was made in America, because in Britain that term can carry a whole different offensive meaning. See also: Spaz.
“Too frilly… Too shiny… Too…”
“...Yeah, this is ‘Too’ much! Rarity, was it? I came here to check on your decorations for the Summer Sun Celebration, not to act as your unpaid model for the day! I’m sure there are plenty of born suckers around here who’d gladly jump at the chance to be dressed up, prodded and primped like some kind of stick-thin Barbie doll for free, but I’m not one of them! As much as I’m sick of walking around naked, I think even that’s preferable to any of the tacky creations you’ve shown me here today. So give me a break, put the tape-measure and the box of pins down, and step away quietly. Please!!”
Still with me here? Okay, let me fill you in on what’s been happening over the last few hellish minutes…
*A demented designer pony-napped me through sheer force (well, magical) to try on her experimental garments. Not my idea of how to spend a productive half-an-hour, as a hostage to fashion. Literally.
*I did like the part where she nicely straightened my mane and tail again after that multicoloured air-hazard otherwise known as Rainbow Dash messed them up with her recklessness, but I never should’ve added ‘If there’s ever anything I can do in return…’ to my thanks.
*Daisy was naturally in her element, stifling continual fits of laughter whilst mocking Rarity directly to say things like ‘Oh Darling, you look simply smashing.’ and ‘That bonnet goes just gorgeous with your fur.’ If the naively flattered unicorn had any idea of how much my sister despises her, she never would’ve given the brat that amethyst to munch on (Garnet and Pearl are next, I suppose).
*So anyway, after the umpteenth unrequested costume change I slowly but surely began losing the will to live, and fired off one of the petulant rants which has won me so many friends back home (and here). There then followed a brief period of silence as my fellow unicorn fully digested every cutting word, and now I bring you back to the present with her shouted exclamation of…
“T-Tacky C-Creations?!”
Reader, you will not believe what happened next. I thought I’d be fully prepared for everything at this point after what I’d seen and heard since waking up here around 36 hours ago (sorry if I’m a bit off there, I seem to have left my Apple watch on my bedside table).
Did we come to blows? No… besides, she didn’t strike me as the physical type.
Did she barbecue me with her magic? Not exactly, although at this juncture it would almost be a merciful release for me.
She didn’t even shout or curse or swear, which is probably what I’d have done if some churlish know-it-all pony deigned to tell me how bad I was at my job (although judging by her triple-diamond Cutie Mark, perhaps becoming a jeweller might be more her thing?)
No, instead she burst into tears.
Not just one, or two, or two million even.
A torrent. A waterfall, A tsunami.
And before I could even blink, the water was up to my knees…
Then my midriff…
Now, my neck.
They don’t call us ‘Little Ponies’ for nothing, you know. I think even a half-full bath would encompass most of my new miniscule height.
If this most dire of current situations had any upsides, it was that Daisy had it much worse than me. Whereas I was just keeping my head above the flood, she was actively struggling to breathe… and swimming never was really her thing (she’d been reluctant to learn since discovering that chlorine made her eyes sting, and goggles made her look ‘uncool’).
“B-Big… B-Brother. H-Help…” *Glug*
“Ah, so now you need me. What was it you were saying a little while ago, about how ‘useless’ I’ve been since arriving here and how you’d do better on your own? I don’t think there are many famous adventurers out there who can barely doggy paddle…”
“O-Okay… O-Okay. I get it.” *Glub* “I know you love me, and I was just saying all that stuff about how worthless you were earlier to tease you. I’m proud to have you as my Big Brother, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. Mum shouts at me all the time for nothing, and D-Dad…”
“Okay okay, that’s enough. Just promise me one more thing.”
“Anything, anything!”
“Don’t tickle me ever again, unless I specifically ask for it. Which I won’t. And don’t pull on my mane so hard whilst you’re riding me. It hurts. A lot.”
“B-But that’s two things…”
“Do you agree to my terms, or what?”
“Y-Yes, yes! Now hurry up, and get us out of here! The salt in her tears is starting to make me nauseous…”
Ah, that felt good. Now, for the next step… I was so busy lauding the rarest of victories over my usually irrepressible sister, I’d plain forgotten to devise a legitimate plan to get us out of here. Let’s see, the door is shut, all the windows are closed, soon the water level will reach the ceiling and we’ll all be drowned. No problem. If your name is Ethan Hunt, that is.
Unable to think of a viable solution right now, I did my ‘senior sibling’ thing and swam over to Daisy, to deposit her safely on my back once more just above the waterline. “Ssh, it’s okay. I got you. Whatever happens next, we’ll stick together like we have done from the start. Things will work out, you’ll see.”
“I don’t want things to ‘work out’, Darren. I want to leave here right now!! If this is karma for hitting Florian when I knew it was wrong, or for laughing at you all those many times you messed up, or using your toothbrush to clean the toilet when you wouldn’t let me into your room, then I don’t accept it! I-I promise I’ll try to be better from now on, if we can somehow…”
“Hmm, I wondered why everyone commented that my breath stank for over a week. We’ll talk about that last thing later, in the meantime let me just think…” I closed my eyes and ears to block out both the gurgling moisture accompanied by Rarity’s neverending sobs that signified death more with every passing moment, and the panicking voice of Daisy as she somewhat pointlessly gave a running commentary on how close we were to receiving a watery grave.
What a way to go; drowning in a unicorn’s tears. It may sound like a poetic method of dying, but believe me… it ain’t. I wish I was outside right now, in the warm sun, not floating around here about to take my last breath in this overpriced clothes shop. They don’t even have any galoshes, either…
*ZAM! ZAP.*
Well, what do you know.
With absolutely no build-up, foreshadowing, before-show presentation or mystical artefact being needed to locate…
…I learned how to use magic.
And all it took was a precarious life-or-death situation where I was seconds away from being turned into fish food.
What are the chances, eh?
To summarise: My horn briefly lit up, and I disappeared along with Daisy in a flash only to reappear just outside by the heaving front door, with both of us looking like drowned rats and feeling like them, too.
“B-Big Brother, did you just…”
“I-I think so. Come on, let’s get out of here,”
“Wait, what about Rarity? I mean she might be ‘Worst Pony’, but even so…”
“Oops, you’re absolutely right. Here, if I can just force open this door from the outside, then I can…”
It didn’t take much effort for me to pull the entrance wide open, and then the real fun began. All manner of her equipment was washed out onto the ground outside in the massive wave which followed, including several dummies, lots of sodden outfits and plenty of dressmaking paraphernalia…
…And that’s not even counting the very wet cat and a still-sniffling unicorn.
“Look, uh… I’m very sorry I insulted your dresses. If you like that sort of thing, I’m sure they’re great… in a gaudily overproduced kind of way. But right now I have to be heading off with my sis… I mean friend, so I’ll let you clean up, or rather ‘dry up’ here and I’ll see you later, okay? Bye!”
I proffered Rarity a brief tip of the hat (of which there were several lying about, all completely drenched) before once more Daisy hopped on my back without invitation, and we rode off to God-knows-where next.
All that I knew is that chaos and mayhem would lie in our wake. It’s kind of our ‘thing’, you know?
Whether we like it or not.
**********************
“Those philistines! Those vandals! Those… those… ingrates!!”
“Hi! I’m Rainbow Dash, and this is Applejack. We just saw what happened, and we’d like to help. But first, can we have a few words?”
“Give me a couple of minutes, Darling, I need to get all my things back inside, find my mop, make sure Opalescence is none-the-worst for her terrible ordeal…”
“It’s okay Sugarcube, we can wait. Is there anything we can do for you right now?”
“A towel would be nice. Also some mascara, if you can find it. Second shelf from the bottom, if you’re having trouble. Oh dear, what is Sweetie going to say when she comes home to this mess later on?!”