“You know something, Dais?”
“A lot more than you for sure, Big Brother.”
“Oh hardy ha-ha. I’m laughing so hard, my tail is shaking. But seriously, I’ve just had a thought…”
“Better grab it and bottle it up, then. You might need it some day.”
“Enough of the childish sarcasm, Daisy.”
“But I am a child, Darren. I’m only doing what comes natural(!)”
“...Anyway, before I completely lose the will to live at your futile attempts at being funny, here’s what I noticed. Ever since we’ve arrived in Equestria, I’ve sort of been following your lead. I mean, the amount I know about this dumb show is roughly the same as Sesame Street or Sophia The First, so it seemed like a good idea at the time to listen to an alleged ‘expert’...”
“I never watched Sophia The First when it was on, far too girly for me. And what the heck is Sesame Street?! You’re showing your age there, Big Brother.”
“...At this point Daisy, I can’t tell if you’re joking or not, but if you’re not that’s practically sacrilege. In any case, stop interrupting and let me get to my point.”
“Please. We’ll be meeting Rarity soon, and I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to fake having a crush on Worst Pony. So rude, full-of-herself, such a spoiled diva, and her voice really drives you up the…”
“Are you positive we’re talking about Rarity here, or are you having an increasingly rare moment of self-reflection?” Hurray, I finally got one in! “To go back to what I was saying earlier, I’ve been doing the calculations from the second I decided to start listening to your ‘sage’ guidance, and…”
“No need to thank me, Big Brother. I do it out of love(!).”
“If you’ll just let me finish, I wasn’t going to mention anything of the sort. Basically, I reckon I would be in just as good a position in escaping this crazy place if I was flying solo, instead of getting instructions from someone who as of this moment, I’m not even sure wants to get out of here!”
“W-What are you trying to say…?” At this juncture, Daisy came to an abrupt halt to gaze sadly at me with those big ol’ cute eyes of hers.
“Hate to break it to you Dais, but this ain't Shrek and you’re not exactly Puss In Boots. There’s a distinct difference between a cute kitty staring at you, and a scaly scary dragon with horns and spines and teeth and stuff. Still, nice try.”
“Damn it. I figured that because both of us had big slit eyes, it might make up the difference.”
“Nah. In answer to your question though, let’s review the facts about what happened since we got here. You almost fell to your death from a tenth-storey window, wasted a lot of time looking for a book we didn’t need then started a major fire. Not what I’d call an auspicious beginning.”
“I’m not sure what Or… or… that second-to-last word you said means, but give me a break! I’d just arrived on the set of one of my favourite shows and was excited to look around! And that fire thing was an accident, which I’ve already said sorry for over and over again. What about you, stealing food and making a complete mess of somepony’s place of business? A brilliant Princess Of Friendship you turned out to be!”
“I never asked for this foreign body, that particular role or any other such major responsibility, so I’m okay with letting you down on that score, Daisy. Leaving aside your other accusations for now, your terrible attempts at getting us to befriend the other ponies have gone from bad to worse. You know the scripts of the show off by heart! Why didn’t you tell me exactly what they were gonna say in advance, so I could’ve prepared before embarrassing myself by engaging them in conversation on the hoof?” Oh I just thought, that phrase has never been more appropriate than it is here.
“Because, Big Brother, that might seem like I had some faith in your ability to handle the situation like a normal person would. And considering ever since Dad left us, all you’ve done is sulk up in your room without making any effort to interact with the outside world, forgive me for thinking you might not be very good at it! So the best I could hope for is to cross my claws and hope you did a decent job; and well, all I can say is so far you’ve been a big disappointment. Not a surprise exactly, but even so…”
“Is that so…? Well allow me to ‘lay’ a little something on you for the history books; I wasn’t hibernating upstairs because I was pining about Dad, it was because you and Mum were driving me crazy. The constant crying, the non-stop arguing… no wonder I started hanging out with Alex and trying new, um, ‘recreational’ activities. It was the only way I had of keep my sanity in our nutty household. Believe me, if I could’ve gotten away much earlier to university than this month, I would’ve. And now of course, this happens. Talk about Lady Luck not only turning her back on me, but pushing me off my bike and taking a giant dump in my grilled cheese sandwich.”
“W-What’s wrong with me and Mum? D-Don’t you love us?”
Oh, great. She’s pulling out those crocodile tears again. Well, I won’t be falling for this trick a second time. “You know I do. I just didn’t go to family counselling with you because uh, I wouldn’t have gotten anything from it. I was dealing with things in my own 'unique' way, I would’ve just been a burden on you both if I’d interfered…Yes, that’s it!” Bravo, Darren. It sounded so convincing. Slow hand clap for you.
“Y-You don’t know that for a fact. We needed you. I needed you. I needed my Big Brother… but he wasn’t there. W-Where were you?!”
What is this crushing feeling in my chest… surely I’m too young for a coronary… argh! Don’t do it Darren, don’t do it… you’re stronger than this… “D-Daisy, you know I’ve always cared for you. The same applies to Mum. But I had my own internal mental shi… stuff to sort out, and trying to comfort you would’ve just made things worse. I’m no good at that kind of thing, so I was probably doing you a favour in the end.”
“Well, you can start trying right now to make up for it. Tell me you love me.”
“What?! Daisy, don’t be weird. Well, weird-er I mean.”
“I’m not being ‘weird’, Big Brother. This is a one-hundred percent genuine request for you to tell me you love me. It would make me feel tons better, and I can’t think of a better place to say it than on this show. So go on, do it.”
“U-Ummmm, have you ever noticed how many of the ponies we see walking around have similar designs? I bet that’s to save on the cheap animation budget, even though they all get it done abroad. And what’s with those highly-static clouds? They never seem to move at all. Not like the real thing is it...”
“Classic Darren, always trying to change the subject to get himself off the hook.” Daisy eyed me cynically, very well aware of what my gameplan was here. “Only this time, I won’t let you get away so easy. Now, are you going to tell me you love me to my face, or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?”
“Wut... Tickle?! S-Stop… you w-wouldn’t. Y-You couldn’t. Y-You shouldn’t. Not in front of all these people.”
“They’re ponies Big Brother, and they’re used to seeing each other do silly stuff like roll-around and laugh in the street. This is the land of friendship, after all. So, what’s it gonna be? A public confession? Or The Tickle Monster? Something tells me your main weak spot will be just the same as when you were a human… right on your belly.”
How did she remember… “H-Hang on, can’t we just discuss this for a… I-I mean, those claws look mighty sharp, I don’t want to get hurt…”
“I’ll be gentle, I swear. And this is your last chance, Come clean with how you feel about me, or face the wrath of… The Tickle Monster!!”
“O-Okay, Daisy if this is what it’s come down to… I loathe you! Oops, I meant I leave you.” Why can’t I say it? It seems so much simpler in the movies… “I l-l-l-lov…”
“You can do it, Big Brother! I believe in you!”
“...l-l-like you.” Phew “Close enough, you think?”
“No, not really. You know what this means, don’t you?”
“Erm, I need to work on my emotional needs? Repressed thoughts? Pronunciation?”
“Nope, it means the tickle monster has been well-and-truly let out of its cage and is running riot. Here they come, ready or not. Grr!”
“Oh n… aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…!”
“Ahem! If the two of you are quite finished, you’re disturbing a very important task Princess Celestia herself entrusted me with, so if you could take your general tomfoolery and shenanigans elsewhere I’d be most grateful, and… what the…”
Okay, if you’re a bit confused about what's going on right now, let’s roll things back a wee bit shall we?
The first thing you should know is my not-so-secret tickling zones were just as devastatingly efficient as ever, more’s the pity. Even as a pony (yes, I have no choice but to accept that now *sad face*).
The second is me and Dais seemed to have wandered as far through town as just outside a great hall without even noticing, as caught up in our ‘lively’ debate as we were.
The third, and most pertinent event, was apparently we’d disturbed a white unicorn hard at work inside by all the racket we were making. As she came outside to remonstrate with us though, something else seemed to grab her attention enough to pull a look of the highest disgust.
“Awful. Simply hideous, darling… just what have you done to yourself?!”
“Hey! I know Daisy looks a tad different now, but she’s not that bad-looking… in a reptilian sort of way. Besides, the only one that’s allowed to insult her so outrageously is me…!”
“I wasn’t referring to your little dragon friend, sweetie; who may I add is clearly a male of the species. I was talking about you. How many hedges were you dragged through backwards to get your mane and tail looking that bedraggled… no, no this won’t do at all. It doesn’t matter how rushed off my hooves I am right now decorating, this is a beauty emergency! Come to my boutique this instant and we’ll get you looking right-as-rain, my treat. I simply won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”
Darn it, she guessed my very next line. I realised in quick resignation, as a faint blue light engulfed me and I was dragged off completely against my will by this pretentious funny-accented mare. Is she trying to sound posh and English, or is this a bad parody? Either way, I get the distinct impression I’m not going to enjoy what comes next… hello, what’s on Daisy’s mind?
You’d think by now my sister would be drinking in my obvious discomfort, or at the very least shamelessly mocking me for the powers this other unicorn (who I would later find out was indeed ‘Rarity’) demonstrated that I clearly lacked.
Instead though, she was looking at her claws with puzzlement, and this is what was on her mind. Huh. He’s got a lot more… tiny thingies in that area than he used to have. And what’s with that double swelling; something else I’ll save telling him about until later. Like, when it’s most awkward. Hehehe….
So it was, as I was hauled off to my apparent doom and Daisy was just happy to have yet another piece of potential blackmail to hold against me, we didn’t spot the two distant figures, one cyan winged form in the sky and one dusty orange individual on the ground.
Observing. Analysing. Speculating.
In other words, being a pair of all-round nosey-parkers who should keep their muzzles out.
Why did we raise suspicions wherever we went? I mean, we’d spent a day-and-a-half at least in this stupid fantasy horsie world so far, surely that’s considered long enough to be fully indoctrinated as one of the locals?
Apparently not. Shocked faces all around, I know.
And things were only going to get more complicated from now on. Buckle up.
(That’s the last bit of equine-related terminology you’ll hear from me. Honest)