//------------------------------// // YOU PINKIE PROMISED!!! // Story: No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// My brain wakes up before my eyes open, and I keep them shut as I try to gauge my surroundings. I had a theory last night that maybe this whole experience in Equestria was a total dream on my part and that, if I went to sleep here, I would wake up on Earth. So now that I've woken up, I try to get a feel for the environment I'm currently in. Inhale… Exhale. No, the air doesn't smell of cows. Not a good sign. Granted, the air doesn't always smell like cows at home, anyway. I strain my ears to hear if there is any traffic going past my window. I hear nothing but birds chirping happily, welcoming the day. Again, not a good indicator of this being Earth. I decide that I've had enough of playing this silly game and my eyes snap open. I gingerly sit up and discover that yes, I am still in Equestria, lying in the same small bed in the same plain guest room in the same house I went to sleep in. Dang it. I give a disappointed grunt before reaching for my computer. Old habits die hard, it seems. I flip it open and move the mouse over to Firefox before I remember that, since this is Equestria, there’s no internet anywhere, no matter how hard I wish. I instead opt to pull up solitaire and music once more. I take a second to fluff up my pillow before I glance at my watch. It’s nine oh-two AM; I have plenty of time for a little solitaire before my first day of failure at work. I'll just keep playing until I win and then I'll head right out. Simple as that, right? Except it isn't. I end up playing for a long time, something I realize when I glance at my watch after a while and see that it is thirteen past ten. Uh-oh, I should have been at work fifteen minutes ago. However, I have another dilemma: I haven't quite won at solitaire yet! I promised myself that I would win a game before I left, and that's just what I'm going to do. I mean, come on; it can't be too long before I win one! When I show up I can just say I got lost around town. No big deal. She won't know I broke my Pinkie Promise – whatever that even means – and I'll be on time tomorrow. However, the more I play, the more I realize the amount of winnable hands in computer solitaire is a solid zero. I mean, my goodness, I cannot win for the life of me! The clock is ticking, and still no signs of winning. It's kind of getting frustrating to be honest. However, all bad things do come to an end. I finally win a stupid game, though my losing streak means I’m over a thousand bucks in the red. Further proof that I should never have anything to do with real gambling. Man, I failed at this. I shut the computer and stretch out. Hopefully I'm not so late that Pinkie Pie won't buy my 'got lost in town' excuse. I mean, how late can I... ELEVEN FIFTY-SIX?!! My mouth drops open as I stare at the watch’s face, hoping it is off by a good two hours… even though I know it isn’t. Oh dear… I get out of bed as fast as my sore arm will let me and jog up the stairs to the main level, hoping every step of the way that breaking a Pinkie Promise won't get me anything more humiliating than a scolding. Because come on, she's a character from a little girl's cartoon! How violent and sadistic can she be? As I reach the top floor I see Rarity deeply engrossed in making something, which I realize means my shirts. It actually looks like she's completed one. Temporarily pushing my lateness aside, I go up to her. "Is that one of my shirts?" I ask, pointing towards the folded fabric resting on a chair. She looks up from her sewing machine and gives me a smile. "Indeed it is," she says. "I finished it just a few minutes ago." She lifts it up in the air with her magic, letting me see that it is a plain cotton, solid black t-shirt. "Here, try it on!" I nab the shirt straight out of the air and put it on in a jiffy. It fits perfectly, and I nod happily to convey that to her. "Nice work. It fits perfectly." "I'm happy to hear that, darling," she says, beaming. "I'm working on a few more right now, so I'm glad to see that I've got the measurements right." She turns back to her sewing machine and begins stitching another shirt. "So, how was your first day at work? Are you on a break right now or something?" I shift uncomfortably. "Uh, yeah, about that... I… kind of lost track of time and... haven't actually gone yet." As if by a button press, Rarity's pupils expand to the point where they are the only part of her eyes that I see. Her mouth drops open. “You...you broke a Pinkie Promise?" she asks in a horrified whisper. I scratch the back of my head a little nervously. "Uh, yeah, I guess I did." "What have you done?" she asks in the same terrified whispering, but even quieter. "Uh..." All of a sudden I hear a loud bang on Rarity's front door, one that suggests that the contents of the first through ninth circles of Hell are attempting to breach it in attempt to get to... guess who. Rarity's face contorts with fear, and she backs up into a corner until her rump touches the wall. My body agrees with her, backing away from the door all on its own. "What...what is that?" I ask. "Pinkie Pie," Rarity whispers grimly. "TD!!!!!" screeches a voice that is unmistakably Pinkie Pie's, but with a hint of Reagan from The Exorcist in there. I have to find a back exit. It's my only chance of survival. To my relief, I do see a back door to the building as soon as I enter Rarity’s kitchen. I don't hesitate to run through it, hoping that Pinkie Pie will focus on the front door for a while, and maybe even kill Rarity in my place if she succeeds in slamming it open. I really imagine that only the gruesome death of a sapient being will quench her bloodlust at this point. Against my better judgment, I peek around the corner and see Pinkie Pie banging on the door of the boutique, hoping to gain entry so that she can rip out everything I hold dear. "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" she yells out, much louder than I thought a pony could. Since she’s so engrossed with the door, I should have time to escape my impending doom. Theoretically. I silently turn around and tiptoe away, hoping that my movements will go unnoticed by Pinkie Pie. The minute that I feel I'm far enough away that she won’t hear a running man’s footsteps, I sprint off for all my legs are worth, towards anywhere but where the fluffy fuchsia-maned ball of fell fury stands waiting for me to turn myself in. I have to get somewhere where Pinkie Pie won't find me… but where? Where can I go that she wouldn't dare follow? I already know that the answer is 'nowhere', as I'm pretty sure she would follow me into the Afterlife Express, just so that she could resurrect me to kill me again herself. The only option remaining to me is to hide somewhere until her wrath has subsided. Maybe then she’s calm enough to accept an apology. During my sprint, I see a large tree house in the distance. My mind pulls open the “MLP:FiM information” file and it tells me that the tree house belongs to Twilight. That's it! She can hide me until Pinkie Pie stops hunting me! I immediately pick up my pace and rush towards my hypothesized sanctuary. When I arrive, I bang on the door several times, hoping that Twilight is home, and I’m rewarded when the unicorn in question opens the door, greeting me with a smile. "Oh, hey, TD! How are you doing to–" I don't bother to let her finish her greeting. Instead, I nudge her aside and run into her house. I know it's rude but hey, it's that or death. Twilight follows me, shutting her door behind me after she turns. "What's wrong?" she asks in a tone that's half worried, half irritated. "You gotta hide me!" I breathed out. "I think I'm in terrible danger!" She immediately takes on a tenser stance. "What?! What happened?" Before I can answer, the very incarnation of infernal fury pops out of one of the bookshelves. I jump back with an undignified scream as Pinkie Pie lands on the floor in front of me. "YOU PINKIE PROMISED!!!" With a second yell I scamper back towards the door of the tree house, without so much as bothering to turn around and look – I know she's behind me, breathing down my neck while she can’t sink her fangs into it. Metaphorical fangs, but still. I’m more determined than ever to give her a workout for that, though, I assure you. Outside, I only pause to slam the door behind me in the – probably vain – hope that it will delay Pinkie Pie for a few precious seconds. Since I don't hear her behind me after I don’t know how long running like a fugitive, it seems like it worked. Oh good gracious, I'm never going to break a Pinkie Promise again if I ever get out of this alive... which I won't if she catches me. I continue running for minutes more, until I see what appears to be some kind of farm in front of me, which I recognize as the abode of Applejack. Sweet Apple something or other, I'm not too sure of the name. It doesn't actually matter to me at this point. I'm only interested in it for the theoretical sanctuary it provides. I run through the main entrance of the farm and spot a house a small distance in front of me. Perfect. Now, normally, I'd hate breaking into a stranger’s house, but self-preservation is a very convincing factor at the moment, and so I have no trouble running in. There’s still the ever-present feeling that Pinkie Pie is right behind me, even though I can't see her. I have to find somewhere to hide in here, and fast! I run up the stairs of the house, to the floor where all of the rooms seem to be. I randomly pick a room and fling it open. Great, it's empty! The bed is large enough for me to hide under, and that's exactly what I do: I dive under it and curl up into as small a ball as I can, hoping, praying, imploring for Pinkie Pie not to have followed me this far. "Dear lord, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee. Please send thy angels to protect me, your humble servant TD Harrison Powell, from the wrath of the evil one. I do offer up this humble prayer in the hopes that you will protect your flock from–" My mutterings are interrupted when I hear the door to the house bang open. I am relieved to hear Applejack talking. Maybe it's just her. "Now slow down there sugar cube and just tell me what happened." "He broke it, he broke his Pinkie Promise!" Reagan MacPinkie Pie yells. I can hear Applejack gasp in shock. "He didn't!" It horrifies me to hear their voices get louder as their hoofsteps clack on the stairs. "He Pinkie Promised he would be at Sugarcube Corner at ten in the morning, and he didn't show up!" I'm never going to play solitaire ever again if I make it out of this. Even with real cards. "You sure he's here?" I hear the door to the room open up. Oh no, oh no, oh no. "He's in here somewhere. I can feel him, he's definitely here." I cover my mouth with one hand, hoping that they won't be able to hear my breathing from under the bed. My pupils dilate when I see four bright pink legs standing in front of the bed. Oh gosh, she's going to look under the bed. "Ah don't think he's in here sugar cube," Applejack tries to placate her. Yes, good, talk her out of this! "Maybe he's somewhere else." "Just give me a second to check under the bed.” Oh dear. Sure enough, a furious pink head shows up mere inches from mine. Its eyes drill a new hole in my very soul. "I found him!" she hollers triumphantly. I immediately crawl out from under the bed as fast as I can, hoping that maybe there will be a window in the room that I can jump out of. Yes, I'm perfectly willing to take my chances with gravity over Pinkie. However, as I stand up, I find myself blocked by the mare herself. "There is no escape," she snarls, venom dripping from every word. "You broke a Pinkie Promise!" I look up at Applejack, who seems just as afraid as I am. She has even taken off her hat and is now holding it close to her chest. It’s clear that I am left to face my fate alone. I back into a corner, and Pinkie advances with every step back that I take. This is the end, I'm sure of it. "Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise!" My back hits the wall, and I know I'm trapped. "Uh... uh..." "Nopony!" "Y...yeah, nopony," I whimper. "...please don't kill me." For a brief moment, her expression changes to mild bewilderment. Then she looks angry again. "I'm not gonna kill you, I want you to apologize!" she says a lot more calmly than before. As you might expect, I'm taken aback by this. "Okay... how do you want me to do that? Do you want me to chop off a finger, or commit ritual suicide or what?" I ask very seriously. Now Pinkie does look dumbfounded… and a bit green in the face. I take that as a good sign. "I don't know how you apologize in your world, TD, but here we say 'I'm sorry'!" "That's it? You don't want to see me in any physical or psychological pain?" Aaand she’s mad again. "APOLOGIZE!!!" I flinch. "I'm sorry, alright?! I’m sorry! I lost track of time!" Her face comes uncomfortably close to mine. "Do you mean that?" she asks, this time quietly. It doesn’t help my panic. "Of course I mean it!" I insist. "Why wouldn't I?" Pinkie Pie's eyes narrow so much, I'm pretty sure that she's still going to kill me right here in front of Applejack with just her glare. I won’t be the only one, either: Applejack is herself about to at least pass out. However, to my utter astonishment, the rage melts off from Pinkie Pie's face, replaced by her trademark grin. "Okie Dokie Loki! Apology accepted!" I dunno if I am more unnerved about her sudden change in mood than her anger. The two are in a tie. “That's it? You're not mad at me anymore?" I ask, hardly able to believe this pony. "Of course not, silly!" she says happily. "You apologized, didn't you? If a pony is really truly sorry, then you're supposed to forgive them! We don't want hard feelings between us, right?" I shake my head vigorously. Never, under any circumstances, will I ever do anything to piss her off ever again. "Now that’s enough of that, we have some baking to do!" With that, she turns around and bounces out the door of the room, leaving Applejack and I to stare at her retreating form. Both of us only move when we hear the door to the house slam shut downstairs. "So... just what happened exactly?" I ask. "I didn't expect such a sudden mood change from her." Applejack snaps out of her own stupor, shakes her head and clears her throat. "It's just Pinkie Pie bein' Pinkie Pie." "But that doesn't make any–" "Ah have to get back to the orchards now," she states flatly. "You too, best be goin' on to Sugarcube Corner. I don't fancy the thought of you keepin' her waitin', not after what just happened.” She shrugs. “Who knows? This may not be over." "You don't know for sure?" She shakes her head. "Nopony knows. Nopony around here would ever dare outright break a Pinkie Promise." "Gee, I wonder why…" Applejack gives me a faint little smile and walks out of the room. I follow closely behind her, with every intention of getting to Sugarcube Corner as fast as I reasonably can.