“Alright Tia, let’s go over it again. You think you want a foal?” Luna asked as she and Celestia sat at the table.
“Maybe? I mean I always assumed one day I would be a mother, but it was never the right time. First there was Discord and Sombra then… Nightmare Moon. Then I had to be sole ruler of Equestria, raise both the Sun and Moon and run my school all at once. It wouldn’t have been right to have a foal when I wouldn’t be able to take care of them. But things have changed, you are back, Twilight and her friends have settled into their roles as defenders of Equestria, honestly the most stressful thing I have to put up with is-“
“Extra extra! Read all about it! King Anon of the Crystal Empire conquers Equestria!” A newspaper salespony called out.
Poking her head out the hotel window, abject fear being hidden behind her eyes, Celestia looked down at the colt selling newspapers to passers by.
“I’m sorry young colt, what was that?” Celestia asked, hoping she had heard wrong.
“I said that King Anon conquered Equestria. Ten bits and you can read it” he called upwards.
…
In Canterlot there was upheaval.
Crystal guards and the undead patrolled the streets as those involved in the coup were rounded up.
Within the castle itself, Anon was running Inkwell and Crystal ragged as he personally saw to every Equestrian law being rewritten.
“Monday is now Wednesday, tangerines are now marsupials, science is now a brand of pie and everything one hundred and fifty miles south and seventy miles west of Manehattan is now New Jersey” Anon monologues.
Trying their best to keep track of everything, Inkwell and Crystal frantically scribbled on ever expanding scrolls while trying to follow Anon around the throne room.
“Anon, I’ll be honest with you” Applejack said as the Mane 6 watched on from the side.
“Do you ever do anything else?” Anon asked dryly.
“Y’all are way in over your head” she stated the obvious.
“My dear dear AJ, that’s the point! Celly and Lulu will be home in a couple days and I need to cause as much chaos as possible before they get back to reclaim their thrones” Anon explained.
“Oh that reminds me, order five thousand groundhogs and order the printing company in charge of making the dictionaries to replace 500 words at random with Aladeen, including positive and negative” Anon added.
“That… that’s going to cause so much confusion” Twilight pointed out.
“Correction, that’s going to Aladeen so much Aladeen” Anon corrected.
“Ok are we sure we can’t use the Elements to trap him in a statue?” Rainbow Dash whispered as she listened to Anon outlaw magenta.
“No!” The girls whispered back.
“Listen, we’ll just have to put our hooves down and fix all of this before-“ Twilight began before being interrupted.
“Anon!” A familiar roar shook the castle.
“That” she finished.
Landing hard enough to crack the marble floor. Celestia and Luna glared down at Anon.
“Hi Celly, hi Lulu, how was your vacation?” Anon asked.
“I had many trains run over my rump so it was good” Luna said casually.
“Damn girl you know how to end a dry spell” Anon chuckled.
“Anon!” Celestia snapped.
“Sorry Celly, did you have a bad trip or something?” Anon asked.
“She didn’t get any” Luna stated.
“Luna!” Celestia said turning her head (and angry glare) to her sister.
“Well that sucks” Anon replied.
“What is the meaning of all of this!?” Celestia demanded.
“Oh this? Well bad news, Blueblood and some nobles overthrew Cadence and tried to take over Equestria. Good news I hospitalised him and took over the kingdom. Here’s the keys back” Anon explained, handing a massive hoop with hundreds of keys in it to Luna.
“We don’t have this many keys do we?” Luna asked, examining all the keys.
“Yeah first I lost them so I had new ones made but I found them again so you have like, five keys that unlock the same room” Anon explained.
Looking as if she was about to pop a blood vessel, Celestia took the deepest breath imaginable.
“Twilight?” She asked politely.
“Yes Princess?” Twilight asked back, trotting up to her mentor.
“Has anypony been hurt since I left?” Celestia asked.
“Well, no. Except Blueblood, and his bank account” Twilight explained.
“His account?” Luna asked.
“Before he got to the hospital he married a zebra named Zira he was seeing, thinking he was going to die. Then once he started recovering she divorced him and half his possessions and moved back to Manehattan” Twilight went on to say.
“Wait, papers of Anon’s takeover only just reached Zebrica, how did the divorce happen so quickly?” Luna asked.
“I streamlined the divorce process, anyhow I’ve got to wait for five thousand groundhogs so…” Anon started.
“Get out of my castle before I do something I’ll regret Anon” Celestia warned tiredly.
“Ok byeeee” he said flying off towards Ponyvillie.
“Why am I friends with him?” Celestia asked tiredly.
“He give good belly rubs and ear scratches” Luna pointed out.
…
With most of the chaos caused by Anon’s short tenure as King of Equestria fixed, Celestia and Luna sat down and began discussing how Celestia should go about being a mother with Raven Inkwell.
“So Raven, what are your thoughts?” Celesita asked.
“Well I believe it’s a wonderful idea, your Highness. You have all the qualities to be an excellent mother” Raven encouraged as she smiled.
“She already does it to the country” Luna muttered sarcastically.
“Luna! I thought you were behind me on this” Celestia said, annoyed by her sister’s response.
“I am Tia, but come on you couldn’t mother the citizenry more if you latched them to thy bountiful teats” Luna explained.
Blushing a deep shade of crimson, Celestia furrowed her brow while Raven hid her blush beneath her clipboard.
“M-my teats aren’t that big!” Celesita stated, hating how often her body proportions were being brought up.
“Whatever you say dear sister” Luna said, doubting her sister’s defence.
“A-anyway your Highnesses, first before you get pregnant, you’ll need to get married” Raven explained.
Celestia was taken aback by that statement, she only just realised she wanted to be a mother she didn’t even think about marriage.
“I, I didn’t even think of that” Celestia admitted.
“Well I suppose you could skip that, but it’s highly irregular for a member of nobility to birth a foal outside of wedlock. But you are a Princess so I suppose you could just skip it all together” Raven said.
“No. I, I actually like the sound of marriage. Cadence and Shining seem happy together. I think falling in love would be nice” Celesita stated.
Suppressing a school girl squeal of joy, Luna cleared her throat.
“I’m happy for you sister, but… who shall your husband be?” Luna asked.
“I… I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to start looking” Celestia said.
Unknown to the princesses, a lone maid was listening in on their conversation. Her face had gone red with excitement.
“The Princess is looking for love!” She squealed inside her own head.
…
“Aunt Celestia, we have a problem” Cadence explained.
“I can see that” Celestia stated.
Less than a week after returning to the capital, nobles from across the entire kingdom had gathered. Each of them claiming they’ve gathered to compete in a tournament for Celestia’s affection.
“I don’t remember ordering any of this” Celestia said.
“I mean it’s one way of finding a stallion” Cadence said optimistically.
“She has a point sister, you just need to find a stallion you like and then we’ll rig the competition so he wins” Luna agreed.
“I have a bad feeling about all of this” Celestia groaned.
“Oh come now Tia, what’s the worst that could- why do I smell chocolate?” Luna began, her sentence quickly changing as she began to sniff the air.
…
“Happy Easter!” Anon called out.
Travelling via an airship who’s balloon was shaped like a bunny rabbit, Anon floated over Canterlot.
Underneath the airship was a large circular object painted like a giant Easter egg.
Dropping it from a great height it whistled before slamming dead centre into the tournament grounds. Exploding, it sent out a wave of magical energy, causing painted eggs and chocolate eggs to spawn out of nowhere.
Unfortunately while the city’s foals found it wonderful, along with a few adults, those attending the tournament did not.
Slipping and sliding all over the area as egg yolks were splattered about, the chaos uk monster in a fire that destroyed half the tents.
Fortunately there were no injuries beyond a few bruises.
…
“Alright Tia you can do this” Celestia thought to herself.
With the fiasco of a tournament cancelled she took to going on a blind date Cadence’s recommendation.
Sat at a small table with a gold bell on it, Celestia had gone without her crown and necklace, wanting to appear as normal as an alicorn could.
Her date was a light blue unicorn stallion with bright green eyes and a ball and chain for a cutie mark.
“Um, hello. I’m Celestia but please call me Tia. It’s nice to meet you” she introduced herself, slightly nervous about the whole situation.
Much to her relief her date seemed to be just as nervous.
“H-h hi, my name is sit on me, I MEAN SIT ON ME, I’m sorry I was trying to say sit on me, I mean-“ he continued to stutter.
Politely, Celestia excused herself, going to the bathroom then sneaking out the window after paying for the drinks.
…
“Adoption was probably the best route sister” Luna said, trying to stay encouraging.
“Right, how could I have thought about getting pregnant when so many poor foals go unwanted” Celestia agreed.
Approaching the Canterlot Home for Foals, the princesses were met by a middle aged mare locking the door behind her.
“Hello” Celestia greeted.
Jumping a little, the mare turned around, her eyes going wide as she saw the alicorn sisters.
“Y-your Highnesses! It’s an honour” she said nervously as she bowed before the two.
“Please no formalities, actually I’ve just come because I’m thinking of adopting a foal” Celestia explained.
The mare looked a little sheepish at that response, rubbing the back of her neck with her hoof.
“Is there something wrong?” Luna asked.
“Well yes, I mean no? I’m sorry your Highness, but there are no orphans anymore” she explained.
Looking at each other in confusion, Celestia and Luna looked back to the mare.
“Please explain” Luna asked.
“Well, during the time King Anon ruled, a rumour spread around that him being from another world was a lie and he himself was an orphan. Once it spread far enough couples started adopting at an extreme rate. I’m just closing the place down for now, frankly I don’t think there are any orphans left in all of Equestria” she explained.
Luna couldn’t help but giggle at her story.
“So what? They adopted foals because they were worried they’d grow up to be new Anons? That’s utterly ridiculous, it’s preposterous, it’s… actually their fears are well founded” Luna said, the thought of thousands of Anons sending a shiver down her spine.
“Yes, while their reasons are shakey, we’ve made sure to check in on the foals through social services and they’re all being taken care of, they’re happy even” the mare explained.
“I see, well, it’s good that they’ve all found a home” Celestia said, smiling lightly at the good news.
Returning to the castle, Celestia couldn’t help but be a little bummed at the lack of children.
“Sister do not be discouraged, we will find a way to make you a mother no matter what” Luna said, her chest full of bravado.
“I know I should be happy for them and I am. It’s just, I feel like the universe is trying to say I’m not meant to be a mother” Celestia admitted, having became discouraged by the last two failed attempts to become a mama.
Furrowing her brow, Luna puffed out her chest.
“That’s it! Desperate times call for desperate measures!” Luna stated.
Knowing how far her sister was willing to go when she thinks she’s helping. Celestia prepared for the worse.
“Luna please don’t do anything drastic” Celestia almost begged.
“Neh sister, your happiness is on the line and I shan’t stop until you are with child! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go requisition Shining Armor from our niece” Luna explained, turning to leave and find Shining Armor.
“Luna! I can’t sleep with Shining Armor!” Celestia gasped in shock that she’d even suggest that.
“Of course you can, before they moved in with Anon their room was right next to mine. I could tell by the noises that he’s very virile” Luna explained.
“I mean he’s Cadence’s husband, I’m not going to sleep with him” Celestia said.
The two sisters looked at each other without a word for a few moments before Luna broke the silence.
“You know sleeping isn’t a requirement you could just go back to your room after he’s rutted you enough ti-“ she began.
“I’M NOT FUCKING SHINING ARMOR!” Celestia yelled out in the Royal Canterlot voice before quickly covering her mouth with her hooves as she realised how loud she was being.
Then they both realised Cadence was at the door.
“I… should I just wear a bell when I walk in?” Cadence asked.
Blushing profusely, Celestia covered her face with her wings.
“I- sorry about that Cadence, it’s just…” she tried to explain, unable to find the words for it.
“You’re having trouble becoming a mother” Cadence suspected, using a caring tone in her voice.
“Yeah” Celestia sighed.
“I know this is frustrating for you Auntie, but if everything else has failed, there’s always sperm donors” Cadence explained.
Hearing there was another option, Celestia perked up.
“Luckily there are a hundred fertility clinics in Canterlot alone. As long as nothing bizarre or unusual happens” Cadence said, giggling slightly.
…
“Happy Fourth of July!” Anon called out.
After lighting a fuse, thousands of large rockets shot up into the sky in a volley of light. Every building in Crystal City had half a dozen fireworks upon their roofs while the palace itself housed thousands of much larger ones.
A great display of light rippled through the sky, visible from all directions for a hundred miles.
“Wow! This is so cool!” Button said, holding a sparkler in his hooves.
“I know right? I can practically smell the tax evasion” Anon called out, his heart full of pride.
“The what?” Twilight asked.
“I said I can practically smell the freedom” Anon replied.
Enjoying their friend’s most beloved holiday, both the Empire and Ponyvillie enjoyed a night of American festivities and a hour long firework’s display.
Although… some of the rockets went off course.
…
“So ALL of the fertility clinics in Equestria have been destroyed?” Celestia asked.
Inkwell (who was wearing a coat peg on her nose” nodded.
“I’m afraid so your Highness, somepony must have been messing with a lot of fireworks because every clinic within two hundred miles of the Everfree has been burnt down” she said, her voice slightly nazily from the peg pinching her nose.
“And the rest?” Luna asked.
“Collapsed into sinkholes after an explosion in the groundhog population. They seem to have dug huge burrows under the buildings” Inkwell explained.
“Was anypony hurt?” Celestia asked.
“Fortunately no, they were all closed when it happened, but vast quantities of reproductive material was lost. Excluding those in the loins of its male population, Equestria is out of sperm” Inkwell explained.
“This is disturbing, launch a formal investigation into what’s causing this” Celestia ordered.
“Of course your Highness” Inkwell said with a bow.
“And one more thing. Why are you wearing a nose peg?” Luna asked.
“Forgive me your Highness, but the smell of burning semen isn’t very pleasant” Inkwell explained.
“Ah so that’s what that is” Luna said calmly as the foul smell hung in the air.
…
The next day, in the Crystal Empire, Anon had what can only be described as an apocalyptic hangover.
“And to my daughter Rosa I leave my gothic paint job PlayStation 5” he groaned as he swallowed another hoof full of pain killers.
“Anon sweetie you aren’t dying, you just had too much to drink last night” Cream said, placing a cup of coffee on the bed desk.
“It’s the Fourth of July, if I don’t drink more than an alcoholic stepfather then my ten times over Great-Grandfather died in the battle of St Augustine for nothing” Anon argued.
“Your ancestors fought in the war this holiday is about?” Cream Heart asked.
“No but when he heard the British colonies were fighting against taxes he decided to copy the idea and started a riot trying to take over his hometown” Anon corrected.
Hearing a loud knock on the door Anon squirmed in pain.
“If they’re with the church or the government tell them to piss off” he hissed as he pulled a pillow over his head.
“Anon you are the government” Cream reminded him.
“I have become the very thing I swore to destroy” Anon whimpered.
Going to the door, Cream Heart opened it, revealing Celestia and Luna stood there sheepishly.
“Princesses, what can I do for you?” Cream asked.
“Well, I was wondering if the Empire happened to have any sperm banks, all of Equestria’s seem to have been… destroyed” Celesita explained.
Blinking for a moment, Cream cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you” Cream apologised.
“Well, you see. I’m trying to become a mother and I’ve run out of options” Celestia explained.
“Oh! How wonderful, well you’ll be in luck, follow me” Cream said as she led the two princesses to the royal fertility clinic in the city.
“One of Anon’s… unique ideas. Thanks to the pool he created dozens of copies of the griffons before they returned home and now harvest vast quantities of seed from them to sell to nations in Griffonia. Due to the instability and war they have a lack of males, as such the Empire’s third largest export behind crystals and luxury goods is…” Cream explained, trying to stop her face somehow going redder.
“Cum?” Luna asked casually.
“Luna, don't be so vulgar” Celestia chided.
“Sorry, seed” Luna corrected herself.
“Y-yes” Cream said.
“Now most of the pony seed is anonymously donated so I wouldn’t be surprised if your foal ends up an earth pony or pegasus” Cream warned.
“It doesn’t really matter to me, I just hope this goes well” Celestia said as she followed Cream into the large white building.
…
“LUNAAAA!” Celestia burst into her sister’s room, squealing with joy.
Groaning in annoyance, Luna listed her head up from her pillow.
“Tia if Canterlot’s not on fire again I’m going to turn back into Nightmare Moon” she tiredly threatened.
“It worked!” Celestia squealed with a huge smile on her face.
“What worked?” Luna yawned.
“I’m pregnant!” Celestia squeaked.