//------------------------------// // New Clothes // Story: No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// "Fun fact: when I get out of here, I'm going to get a job and spend every cent of my first paycheck on gasoline so I can burn this wretched place down." "Uh-huh." "Just so you know, when you let me out I'm going to bribe whoever I must to get you name legally changed to Slartibartfast." "Uh-huh." With every second that passes as I stand in the middle of the dressing room, I rue the decision to agree to stay with Rarity a little more. She hit me with some sort of freezing spell when I attempted to run, and now here I am being a girly pony’s first human mannequin. She’s only taking my measurements now; it’s been an hour so far, though, and I'm starting to get really uncomfortable. That probably has something to do with the fact that I can't move anything below my neck except for the muscles I breathe with. I have long since decided that I was not going to take this with the submissive ‘dignity’ that she intended, and as such, I’ve spent this past hour complaining and thinking up various threats. However, they aren't really fazing her. "When this freezing spell is lifted I'm going to buy as much dye as I can, and then I'm going to dye your coat mustard yellow while you sleep." "That's nice," she says nonchalantly. "On a different subject, when I'm free, I'm going to take your cat and punt it so hard I'm going to rip a hole in reality and create the entire Colquitt family, as well as change the Cleveland Browns into a curling team." "Won't that be interesting?" she responds blankly, however I see a slight look of confusion cross her face at this one. I'll take this small victory. "On an unrelated note–" "Would you please just give this up?" she asks with a hint of irritation. "I'm not letting you go until you have a new set of fashionable clothes to wear!" "Are you doing that as the Element of Generosity or because I'm a new challenge for you?" She gives me a small smirk at the question. "A little of both." "More of the latter, I wager?" She scoffs and shakes her head. "Honestly, darling, your opinion of me can't be that low." Oh yeah, after the two episodes I watched that were centered on you, it totally can be. "After seeing what you made for Spike, yeah, it totally can be." "Oh hush up about that," she says as she brings a tape measure up to my right forearm. "I promise you, what I will make for you will be far more casual than that. That was formal wear, after all." "Was it now?" I ask, noting myself to never let her design formal wear for me. "Of course it was!" I look around the room. "Aren't all of your clothes formal wear since, you know, you don't wear clothes most of the time and all that?" She shrugs. "For the most part, yes, but that certainly doesn't mean I can't create some wonderful casual clothes for you!" "With what materials, exactly?" I ask as I look around at all of the dress fabrics. "If you make me anything out of this, I'm not wearing it. I’m serious on that one." "Oh, hush," she repeats. "I'm not so foolish as to think you'll be wearing dresses." I breathe a small sigh of relief at that. Okay then, even if she is a bit narcissistic, she's not a total moron. "So, what do your evil plans entail?" I ask. "You've sure taken your sweet time taking my measurements." "That's because you're so oddly proportioned!" she says with a slight frown and a little poke on my leg. "I mean, really, you're such a thin being, and your legs are so long, and–" "Y’know, if you want to spend the day trading insults about looks, it's going to be a while before I run out of the actual nasty ones I have for you. It’s not a road you want to walk down." Rarity frowns fully and harrumphs, while I sigh in turn. I would have gone back to my habit of rubbing my temples a long time ago if I wasn't frozen in place. We’re going nowhere with this, and fast. "Look, I'm sorry if I'm being sort of snappy today,” I apologize, being the bigger adult. “It's just that, well, I'm sure you can guess what I'm feeling right now." "Oh of course I can, darling!" she exclaims earnestly as she wraps the tape measure around my left thigh for what must be the sixth time now. "I've been places where it seems like it's a whole different world! For example, there was Appleloosa, and my goodness was it dry and messy and... bleagh." To my amusement, she actually mocks a gag. "It must have been hard for you," I reply. "Being around all of that icky dirt sure does sound taxing." "Oh, it was, dear, it was!" She either didn't notice my sarcasm or simply isn’t caring anymore. I can believe either possibility. A few more minutes of torture later, she sighs and I feel the freezing spell lift. "I think I've gotten everything I need to make you some new clothes," she announces. I stretch my right arm and move my legs around. Man that sure stiffened up my joints. Go figure. "That wasn't so taxing, now was it, darling?" she asks sweetly. It takes every gram of my willpower to prevent myself from presenting her with a death glare that would have told her exactly how taxing that was. "Have you ever been under a freezing spell?" She grins and nods. "Of course! It's all part of growing up! One truly isn't an adult until they have been placed under a freezing spell at least once." Ah, she's trying to beat me at my own game of sarcasm. A duel of wit and snark with this pony would surely be an interesting thing to see. She chuckles to herself and begins putting her supplies away. "But in all seriousness, yes, I have." "And you still chose to do it to me?" She nods as she begins clearing up her supplies from her measuring assault. "How else would I keep you still?" she retorts matter-of-factly. Why, you little… I shake my head at her so I don’t do it with my fist, and she begins to work on the designs. I can tell she's going to be out of it for hours… leaving me to my own devices… which, now that I think of it, may not be a bad thing! Where is that stupid cat anyway? Since it’s not in sight, I walk over to my computer and flip it open instead of creating a family of punters. I know that Equestria doesn't have any internet, so that's out. However, I still have some stuff on here to do: I have my music and my entire collection of films – vaguely pitiful as it is – onto the hard drive, and I have solitaire. Problem is, I also have nowhere to plug it into and no spare batteries. The ninety-two percent power left doesn’t look good at all now. I take my cell phone and headphones out of my pocket and put the phones into my computer so I can listen to something without distracting her. I don't fancy bothering her while she's in the zone. I click on the music folder while opening up solitaire on my computer, scroll down my list of tracks, click on one of my songs, and begin my game. Two aces right off, that’s good. I have to admit, I can actually feel some of the stress of my current predicament melting away as I immerse myself in the world of virtual gaming and loud music. No more moves, game lost, no matter, I simply move on to singing along. The game goes completely ignored by this point; I’m too busy focusing on the wicked instrumental part of the song. What should I pick, air guitar or air drums? Heck, I'll switch off. I grab an air guitar and start doing my best to rock out with the music. I'm getting really into it – this is one of my favorite songs after all – and I'm sure that, if anyone was watching, they would surmise that I am having a seizure or something like that. I couldn’t care less; I just let the music take total control and forget about the world as I bang on invisible drums and play wicked cords on a guitar that isn’t there. Oh yeah, this is definitely the best moment I've since waking up! It's great to unwind with a little music. The song eventually ends and I open my eyes. Man that was relax– oh boy. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash have all walked in while I was zoned out, and are now staring at me like I've lost my mind. Rarity, on the other hand, is still working. I doubt she would even care about what I was doing if she did look up. "Oh, hi there," I say in the most casual way I can muster – which, I must admit, isn't very casual. It’s Rainbow Dash who tries to start a dialogue. "Uh, dude, are you okay?" "Yeah, you looked like you were being attacked by invisible wasps," Twilight reinforces. "Are you sick?” Fluttershy asks with worry. “Did something bite you?" "No, no, nothing like that," I wave it all off. "I was just listening to my music." Twilight's eyes widen as if activated by a switch, and an excited look crosses her face that mirrors the one that she got when she saw my laptop at the hospital. "Music?! You have your music here?!" "Well, yeah, since I just said I was listening to it." She claps her front hooves together. "This is amazing! Who knows what kinds of styles that you listen to that we have no idea even exist! I bet I could learn a lot about both you and your culture by listening to some of your music!" "I'll bet you could," I deadpan. She pulls a quill and paper out of her backpack that she has resting on her back. "Then let’s listen to it!” I'm a tad unnerved by the sheer unbridled curiosity, but I shrug it off and go through my computer to see if there is anything the three of them would like. I doubt that I have something all three will appreciate at the same time, but hey, you never know. "Well... this one here is my personal favorite song," I say as I click on the file. "It's easily one of the best of all time." Twilight just claps in anticipation. I take my headphones out of the jack, and the song begins. The opening guitar riff gets me lost in the melody almost instantly, and I begin playing the air guitar one more time. "He's doing that thing again," whispers Fluttershy, right before Twilight holds up her hoof to quiet her as she listens intently to the awesomeness that is Nirvana. I'm pretty sure that the two who aren't engrossed in the music are giving me looks like I'm a complete nutter, but hey, if they don't like it, then they don't like it. They're free to be as wrong about their taste in music as they want. I become aware that Rarity has gotten up from – or finished – her work and is now listening to Teen Spirit with the rest of us. My convulsions, as I dance along, become more violent as the song comes to a close. I have long since stopped caring about what the other four think about what I’m doing. I have Nirvana to listen to, dang it! However, the thrill passes once the song ends and, I become acutely aware that there still are, in fact, four ponies in the room who have watched this entire performance, and I’m quick to drop the pose. Sure enough, they don't seem to have any positive emotions about either the song or my singing along to it. Silence is the ruler of the room until Rarity speaks up. "What's wrong with you, darling?" "What do you mean?" I reply indignantly. "What I mean is, I have never seen such a garish display before! I can understand dancing to music, but that was… that was almost embarrassing to watch." "Well I'll give you that one, I'm sure it was," I concede. "But what did you think about the song itself?" "Um...” Fluttershy looks at me uncomfortably, “what's libido?" D’oy! I wasn't quite prepared for that question. "Uh, I don't know," I lie. Rainbow Dash smirks at me. "I think you know full well what it means." She gets a pointed look from me. "And do you?" She nods mischievously. "Oh yeah. It's one of those words that make immature sixth graders giggle when they hear it." Fluttershy’s eyes widen after a brief second of thought. "Oh... my..." I clear my throat. "Okay, aside from that, what did you think?" Twilight has a scowl on her face that shows how deep in thought she currently is. "I don't know. I don't see how you can enjoy the song when you can't so much as understand the lead singer." "I can understand it all right,” I retort. “It’s a matter of getting used to it. But that aside, I like it more for the tune, the instrumental part of it. What did you think of that?" "It was very... loud," Fluttershy mutters. "It was kinda cool, I guess," says Rainbow Dash with a shrug. "But nothing too amazing." I am about to explain to her that Kurt Cobain revolutionized the music industry with Smells Like Teen Spirit, thank you very much, when Rarity speaks up over me. "It was perfectly brutish, that’s what it was,” she declares snootily. “I'm not sure I want ‘music’ of that nature to be played in my house." I glare at her. "It's my music, and I can listen to it in a way that only I can hear it. That said, I'll listen to it if, and when, I want to." She shrugs. "Perhaps, but while you're here, I'm going to have to indoctrinate you with some of our best classical composers!" "And I'll secretly indoctrinate you with Andrew W.K. and Deep Purple," I snark back. "I doubt that, darling. You really need to absorb more classical culture." A sarcastic smirk crosses my face. "I've watched The Great Train Robbery, does that count?" "What's that?" Twilight asks. "A movie," I respond without looking. "Now, Rarity, if we're going to tolerate each other, I–" Twilight's face lights up again. "You have movies in your world too?" I sigh and go back to rubbing my temples. "You're not going to stop asking me questions, are you?" Twilight gets angry at that. "Well excuse me for being curious about a whole new culture that nopony’s ever had contact with before!" "Yeah, but it's kind of overwhelming. I don't know how to describe what a movie is to you, and I don't think any examples I have on my computer are things that you would find enjoyable!" "Like your music?" jabs Rarity. "My music is awesome, thank you very much. But at any rate, I don't know how to answer a lot of stuff, Twilight. I can't describe my whole universe to you!" Said unicorn looks down, muttering, "I'm not asking you to do that." "I know you're not, but can't the interrogation wait until I feel good enough to give you decent answers? Give me a few days to get settled at least." Twilight sighs and nods. "Fair enough." "Speaking of getting settled,” Rarity interrupts again, “I have some preliminary sketches of your new outfits. If you'll follow me, please." My stomach clenches into a knot, but I follow her to my fashion-based doom regardless. It can't be any worse than what she made for Spike, can it? As I slowly trek forward, hoping hell will not be revealed, she uses her magic to levitate half a dozen pieces of paper in front of me. Slowly, I reach out and flip them over. I flinch physically at the first design. It’s… a bit too intricate for my tastes. The second is better, but it looks kind of like a watered down tuxedo, way too formal to use every day. I glance up at Rarity when a shift of her legs catches my eye. Wow, she’s so stressed out she looks like she's about to have a heart attack. I hold back the urge to roll my eyes at the melodrama and continue scanning her work. Design three is a simple combination of jeans and a simple t-shirt. I blink at it, not quite sure I'm seeing it correctly, or my brain is under self-suggestion after a few tacky outfits. I flip the paper around so Rarity can see the one I'm looking at. "It's just this?" I question. "No frilly designs or gaudy accessories?" "I based it off of what you already have,” she answers nervously. “Is that not acceptable?” Her voice goes down some twenty decibels. “… Are none of them any good?" I flip the paper back over again and scrutinize it a second time. Then, I nod. "I like this one. It's pretty much what I wore when I was back home." Her eyes widen and she breathes a huge sigh of relief when she realizes I've just given at least one of her designs a thumbs up. "Oh, you can't believe how happy that makes me feel, darling!" "It's mutual, let me assure you.” "What about the rest of them?" she asks, now more curiously than anything. "Are they okay too?" "Uh, let's just stick with this one. I prefer simpler clothes." Maybe I should keep my real opinions on that issue to myself… "Very well," she says as she uses her magic to take the papers away from me, already scribbling on the sixth sheet. "I'm glad we got that settled," Twilight says happily. I agree. "I was worried, I must admit." And with good reason. "Thank you for letting me know how much faith you put in me," says an annoyed Rarity. "You're welcome." She rolls her eyes and gets back to work on my clothes. "I take it I'll have to get a job to pay you back?" I ask. She waves a hoof. "No, of course not. I am the Element of Generosity, and my intention is to help. You certainly do not need to worry yourself about things of that nature." "I really would rather pay you back," I insist. I don't quite want to risk owing this mare a favor. "I really would rather that you didn't," she replies, a little more forcefully this time. My brow furrows and I look back at Twilight, who merely shrugs. What marvelous help she is… "Well,” I finally say, “regardless, I’d like to get a job. After all, I can't lounge around all day and mooch off other people… or ponies." Twilight frowns in thought. "I'm not totally sure where you could find employment." “Oh! Oh!” Pinkie Pie chooses that exact moment to pop out of a nearby flower pot with a huge grin on her face. "How about working at Sugarcube Corner with me?!" she asks with an unnatural amount of unbridled enthusiasm. I jump back with a loud yelp of shock at the sudden appearance of the hyperactive pony. Thanks to that maneuver, I lose my balance and fall to the floor with a loud crash, smacking my injured arm on the ground as I do. As pain shoots through my whole body, I let out a combination of swear words that I had perfected over the years. It was my go-to string of cusses, though I preferred to think of it as eloquent profanity. However, my foul tongue earns the shock of the five ponies that were unfortunate enough to be in yelling range. They stare at me with their mouths hanging open as I rub my injured shoulder with an embarrassed grin. Pinkie Pie is the first to snap out of it. "Okay then," she says mildly, turning back to Twilight, her normal demeanor returning in an instant. "Like I was saying, he should totally come to work with me at Sugarcube Corner!" "I don’t know, Pinkie Pie," says Twilight as she watches me slowly stand up, careful not to jostle my bones even more. "Does he even know how to bake?" "I dunno," I say, "but the guy you’re talking about is standing right here, so maybe you should ask him directly." This doesn’t amuse Twilight. "Well then, do you?" "Not in the slightest," I respond proudly. "I set cold cereal on fire the last time I made it." "Really?" asks Rainbow Dash with surprise clear in her face. "Well, not really," I answer, "but I do burn grilled cheese on a regular basis." "Aw that's okay," Pinkie Pie dismisses the thought with a wave of her hoof. "These are cupcakes, not grilled cheese. I'm sure you'll do fine." "No, no, what I'm saying is–" "You start tomorrow!” she continues like I haven’t spoken. “I've already asked the Cakes about it, and they said they'd love to have you on our team!" "But they know nothing about me!" "I vouched for you.” "... You know nothing about me either." Pinkie gasps. "Of course I do!" she exclaims, slightly scandalized. "I know all about you, because my Pinkie Sense told me!" "Y...your what?" "My Pinkie Sense!" She bounces up and down happily as she explains. "Basically what happens is that I get random twitches in my body and they tell me different things. So, for example, if my eyes flutter, my tail straightens, and my appendix folds in like an accordion, that means that I'm gonna meet a trustworthy stranger!" Appendix? "Oookay… And that happened today?" She responds with a vigorous nod. “Yeppers-peppers! It happened right after I saw you in that hospital bed for the first time!" "S...sure, whatever you say." Her grin expands and she leans in uncomfortably close to me. "So you'll come in tomorrow?" "Like I said, I can't–" Pinkie giggles and waves my objections away. "That's when you learn things, silly, when you practice them because you don't know them!" "Well yeah–" "I betcha you'll be really good at it by the end of the day!" I bite my lip and glance uneasily at the floor. "You've clearly never seen me burn orange juice before–" "Come on, just try!" she implores. "I–" "Pretty please with a cherry on top!" I groan, realizing already that she is going to be very insistent about this. “Fine," I mumble. I gotta learn how to set boundaries with these ponies, or else I'm gonna have a stroke. Pinkie’s eyes widen with joy. "You'll come in tomorrow?" "Yeah," I grumble again. Then, to my surprise, she becomes solemn. "Pinkie Promise?" "Yeah, sure, Pinkie Promise." I have no idea what a Pinkie Promise even is, but after seeing her jump out of a flower pot like that, I'm not too sure how much I want to know about the inner workings of this pony's mind. The serious air vanishes from her as she replaces it with a face-splitting grin. "Okie dokie lokie! Try to be there before ten in the morning!" "Sure thing." "Excellent!" Twilight says approvingly. "That settles your job problem!" "So it does," I sigh. "So, this is turning out to be a pretty good day for you, huh?" says Pinkie Pie. "Uh, no, it really hasn't. I still got ripped from my world today, and that kind of makes everything else a little... not as good." Pinkie Pie stares at me, perplexed expression, but soon she breaks out into that large grin of hers. "Just look at the bright side: you could have ended up in the middle of the Everfree Forest!" Always look on the bright side of life… *whistle* I look at my watch, another action that draws curious stares from the group, and see that it is nine-thirty PM. I don't normally go to bed this early, but... "Uh, I think I'm going to hit the hay now, guys. It's been a long day for me already, and I'm really gonna need the energy if I am actually going to spend all day burning cupcakes tomorrow." "Okie dokie lokie!" says Pinkie Pie as she walks to the door. "See ya tomorrow!" "Have a good night, dude," says Rainbow Dash, who then promptly flies out the door right after Pinkie Pie. "We're sorry we ripped you into our world," Fluttershy whispers timidly. "We won't do it again." What? "Yeah, uh... okay…" She flies up to me and nuzzles my arm before she, too, is off. Twilight is the last to leave. She stands where she is for a while, looking at me in a way that’s becoming increasingly awkward. "Can I help you with something?" Twilight shakes her head and sighs, looking mildly happy for some reason. "I'm sorry for staring, it's just that... well, my scholar part is really excited about all of this!” Oh, so that’s why. “I get the opportunity to learn about a whole new species with a whole new culture! How great is that?" "I suppose..." "But,” and then her mood plummets, “the other half of me is sad that you're here just because of everything that's happened to you. I would rather you be here of your own free will than by force of events." "Same here, obviously," I agree. She nods politely and begins walking out the door, but midway through, she stops and turns around. "If there's anything you need, just let one of us know. We're here for you, TD. Remember that, okay?" "Thanks, Twilight," I say with a wave, quietly hoping I won't have to ask them for things. I'm uncomfortable enough as it is staying in Rarity's house. "Well, you better get to bed then," she says with a hint of advice. "You wouldn't want to sleep in too late and break your Pinkie Promise." "I guess so." I briefly consider asking her what a Pinkie Promise even is, but I think I can figure it out based on the title. It's a promise to Pinkie Pie, simple as that. "Goodnight… I guess." "Goodnight," she says with a smile. That said, she leaves. I sigh and gather my stuff, moving it down to the basement to find the guest room. It’s already furnished and made up, so I assume Rarity has visitors every now and then. The bed seems to be a bit small, but nothing I can’t deal with. It has a plain purple comforter on it and two fluffy pillows at the head. The room itself is plain white, with a small nightstand on the left hand side of the bed. It's simple enough, really, which is strange considering who owns this place. I lean the scooter next to the nightstand and put my computer on the furniture itself before I climb onto the bed. It's far more comfortable than it looks, which is nice. Way better than the hospital bed, at any rate. As I close my eyes, my mind sluggishly begins to wonder if this is just a dream and if by falling asleep here, I'll wake up back home. It's kind of a comforting thought, but it’s pleasant enough to make me relax.