//------------------------------// // 65 - Insights // Story: The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper // by Techogre //------------------------------// It was early morning. Celestia’s sun was streaming through the windows of the well-appointed yet cheerless private bank office. The donkey named Chamor reviewed documents from Fillydelphia. “Interesting. The Foal Protection Services board did not approve the adoption, yet the filly is still with them.” The dower donkey frowned, “A most chaotic state of affairs.” I must have dozed off because I was startled awake by a sudden scream. The room was dark, even with the morning sun streaming in from around the shades. I stood and got closer, my hand reaching out to the bedside lamp. His hand shot out, hitting me squarely on the sternum with his palm. I stumbled back from the force of the blow. While I regained my balance, he scrambled off the bed, huddling in the corner of the room, arms held up defensively. There was a sudden, quick scraping sound of metal sliding against metal. I turned on the bedside lamp. The short, wide blades out of the backs of his armoured gauntlets glinted in the gloom. There was a pause. I looked at him. He looked at me. When he did speak, his voice was filled with anger, “If you EVER do that to me again, I swear to god! I just about pissed myself I was so scared. What made you think it was a good idea to stand over me in a dark room like that?” I thought honesty was the best policy. “I’m trying to decide if I can trust you. This world is a genuine paradise, and I refuse to let anyone destroy that.” The knife was still in my hand, and I must have instinctually put it in combat mode. The gloom of the room was lit only by the animic lamp and the electric arcs dancing along the twisting and shifting blade while the knuckle guard flowed to protect my hand. I don’t know how long we stood there, just staring at each other. Frankly, I thought he looked as scared as I felt. I didn’t want things to go down like this, but I had to protect—the door opened.  A familiar voice spoke, “Alex darling, Princess Luna just sent a message that he should be awake now—” I turned my head to see Rarity scowling at me. I quickly sheathed my blade. Her glare then turned to the new guy. The short gauntlet blades retracted. I pointed at him, “He’s dangerous, Rarity. Look at him! Just look. He’s a soldier. If that’s not mil-spec,” I grunted, realising she may not know what I mean, “military specification equipment; the armour, the built-in weapons. I don’t know what is. I know I have to give him a chance, but I’m not about to unleash a monster on you. Sure as hell not on Dash or Scoots.” Rarity rolled her eyes at me. “Shining Armor is a soldier, and you know he is a dear. Princess Cadence would never have married him if he was anything less. It was a wonderfully glamorous ceremony…” She sighed, then clicked her tongue, “Well, the second one was after we dealt with that horrible mess from the changelings.” The newcomer was forgotten. I was focused on convincing Rarity of my point of view. “Who knows what he could do! Right now, I stand an even chance of stopping him if he gets out of control.” Rarity remained ladylike, never raising her voice, “As you instructed us to stop you if you got out of control? Alex Roberts, with that sort of reasoning, we should have thrown you out of Ponyville the moment we saw you. But we did not. We showed you compassion and gave you the chance to prove what a gallant knight you are. Were we wrong about you?” She took a few steps towards me, and I stumbled back. I could tell she was very upset. I put my hands on my hips, head down. I couldn’t make myself look her in the eye. “No, of course not, but—” “No buts, Mr Alex Roberts! You are a citizen of Equestria and a Paladin of Redemption as well. Helping strangers is part of that. Now, are you one of us or not?” She smiled radiantly at our guest, “Show the dear some Ponyville hospitality.” Her words reminded me of my obligations as a citizen of Equestria, a denizen of Ponyville, and a Paladin of Redemption. I swallowed hard, sighed, and turned to the newcomer. “I’m Alex Roberts, welcome to Ponyville. These people are under my protection, as are you.” I put out my hand, and he took it with only a little hesitation. “Mathew Brennan, no rank, service or serial number. This is a modified combat flight suit. In case you didn’t notice, when I shift realities, I typically end up more than a few metres in the air and exit at your average city speed limit. I’m not a soldier, assassin, hunter, murderer or arsonist, and I even pay my taxes. Do I still deserve to die, or can I have a chance to discover the magic of friendship?” ‘Oh, you have got to be kidding me,’ I thought to myself. “You watched My Little Pony?” I was sceptical. I mean, what are the odds that both humans in Equestria were Bronies? It’s just too much of a coincidence. Rarity rolled her eyes, “Oh, no. Not that dreadful... what did you call it? Tee Vee show? You were an aficionado as well?” “Yes,” he chuckled nervously, “I was kind of a hardcore fan. I would really like to know if everything is like the show. I’m curious how close everything is to the fanon. Do the fan names match up to everyone's real names? How about the fan insights? Timeline? What about—” Rarity interrupted him with a simple raised hoof. “Darling, please! You’re sounding like Lyra does about humans. Please calm yourself.” I buried my face in my hand. Is this what I sounded like at first? He continued, “Heck, I’ve even written fiction set in this universe.” Rarity became obviously uncomfortable. He seemed to catch her discomfort and explained, “Oh, don’t worry, Rarity. Nothing I’ve written involved anything… uncouth or involved anyone you know.” She seemed to accept that and, with her lady-like grace, accepted what he said at face value. Now that I’ve had a moment or two to calm down, I realise I may have overreacted. He may very well be on the level. “I’ll tell you what I learned about the show and the reality here. They skip out on a lot of stuff, change the context, reorder some of what happened, and do all kinds of editing to make it kid-friendly. And forget about everything after season three. I mean, it’s a fun show, but just straight-up fiction after that.” I thought for a moment and had an idea. “The two best examples are Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie.” He suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. “Twilight is damn smart and powerful, but not a Princess. They got her personality more or less right. Pinkie Pie, on the other hand, is way off. On the show, they present her as a spastic, crazy, all-over-the-place party pony. When I talk to her, she’s a smart, funny, insightful pony. But,” I chuckled, “she does tend to hop instead of walk.” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, “What I’m saying is, don’t rely on that damned show for much. I’ll tell you this: they’re all far better people than you would expect them to be based on nothing but the show. So, you want to know what the difference is? Everything. The personalities are kind of right, but they were only shown at their funniest, not their best.” I had to smile at Rarity, recalling all of her kindness towards me. I didn’t interrupt the silence of the room. Mathew was just looking at Rarity with a bit of a smile plastered on his face. I think I knew what he was experiencing. It would take some mental digesting, that’s for sure. There was a knock at the door, and Applejack came into the room. She was followed by Elusive, with four cups of coffee in a cardboard tray floating in his glow. I started to turn back to Mathew when I saw a third, unexpected, pony entering the room. It was Bonbon, of all ponies, coming in slowly, hesitantly. What the heck is she doing here? Applejack put a hoof on my hip, “Alex, sugarcube. Are you okay? Elusive here came to the farm and dragged me away from my bed to come to make sure you were fine. Big Macintosh was not impressed with him at all,” she chuckled a low chuckle and flashed a warm smile to Elusive, “even less than he already was. Anyhow, he said something about you sitting here in the dark, playing with your knife and muttering something about ‘the cost of protecting innocence’. He was worried that you’d go and do something foalish, and judging from that there human in the corner, I’d say I got here just in time.” Mathew gave a small smile and waved at Applejack, simply saying, “Hi.” Applejack tipped her hat towards Mathew, “Howdy.” She looked back at me with a penetrating grin, “You didn’t do anything to tarnish the Apple name now, did you?” I opened my mouth to explain myself, somehow, when Mathew spoke before I could. “Just a misunderstanding on my part, Applejack, nothing to worry about. Things just got a little heated between us,”  he looked pleadingly at the fashionista, “but Rarity helped bring us to our senses, right?” “I simply brought fresh air into a closed room and reminded the windows to open. They were both simply under stress. This situation can hardly be easy for either of them. Now, as fabulous as I am, darlings, I still need my beauty sleep.” With a flirtatious swing of her hips, she left the room.  I noticed Mathew and Elusive both watching Rarity leave. I had to admit, she could pull off a fine feminine walk. Applejack chuckled that low chuckle of hers, “Do y’all always have plot on your minds?” Mathew and Elusive started sputtering. I just smiled, looked at the floor, and scratched my nose. Applejack motioned to the cream-coloured pony, “Bonbon wanted to offer a place for him to stay. They are a ‘him’, right?” Mathew nodded, and Applejack continued. “She figured he needed friends around here, being new to town and all.” The armoured human, still with a grin, “You can call me Matt. Will Lyra be there?” Applejack and Bonbon looked surprised, but I was wondering if he would mention her. “You know Lyra, huh?  I’ll be honest. After I landed here and actually met these people, I didn’t really follow the show or the fandom. I don’t know how she was presented on the show, but here she’s a xenobiologist. She went to the same school as Twilight Sparkle, so you know she’s smart. She spent some time interviewing me, so I’m sure she’ll be tickled pink to see another one of us.” Rainbow Dash entered the quickly filling room. “Hey, Alex. Hi, new guy.” She fluttered up to me and gave me a peck on the cheek.  Matt gave me a questioning look, but that little smile stayed, “So, no AppleDash?” Applejack and Dash both looked at him in confusion. Dash finally facehoofed. “Don’t tell me he was a fan of that stupid creepy pony show. Is that why he has that goofy grin?” I sighed, “Yeah.” Then, I explained, pointing my finger back and forth between Dash and AJ, “I guess AppleDash means you two end up together on the show.” Dash stifled a laugh, and AJ just blushed. Dash finally spoke, “No way, dude. AJ is not that kind of pony. She’s my best gal pal.” Elusive gave Applejack a little nuzzle. “Yeah, buddy, Applejack is all mine.” He turned to me, “But, uh, maybe you can show me this show after all?”  Applejack chuckled and lightly shoulder-checked Elusive. “Now, don’t you be looking at that foolishness, Elusive. Y’all got the real deal right here.” Bonbon finally spoke up, “I think Matt needs a little rest. A room full of ponies isn’t the way to do that.” Matt looked around the room, “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Look, Alex, no offence, but how about we go our separate ways for now?” “Agreed. I think we’re both a little off.” I figured the least I could do was fix up the gauze, “Here, at least let me rebandage your leg properly.” “No need.” That short, wide blade snapped out of the back of his gauntlet and in a single stroke, he sliced off the bandage. “Nano-bots will heal me up better than any cloth strip.” The blade was just as quickly hidden away. He then started limping away with Bonbon leading the way. I said, as he left, “I’ll check up on you at Bonbons’ tomorrow. Give you a chance to rest.” He snarked at me, “That’s fine. Don’t hurry.” We were back home. I was tired, but I couldn’t just lay down to sleep. Deciding it was five o’clock somewhere, I opened a cold bottle of cider. Dash was sitting next to me, half asleep, unwilling to go to bed unless I did. Her head was on my shoulder. “I’m worried, Dash. What if this Matt guy isn’t what Rarity thinks he is? What if he does something to hurt Bonbon or Lyra?” I put the bottle down, “I think I’ll go check on them.” Half asleep, she scolded me, “Alex Jean-Paul Roberts, you will do no such thing. Bonbon and Lyra can take care of themselves. Besides, Rarity was okay with him. You should really go to bed, you lunkhead.” Before I could answer, the sounds of Scootaloo and Summer Blossom coming down the stairs caught my attention. As soon as Scootaloo saw us, she charged the rest of the way, her little wings fluttering furiously, “Mom! Dad!” She gave us both a hug.  Summer simply inclined her head. I smiled, “Hey, pumpkin. How’d you sleep?” “Not that great, but I feel better now that you guys are home.” “And you, Summer Blossom? Did you get some sleep? Was Scootaloo any trouble?” “Me sleep alright. Little sister was honourable. Made watching easy.” Dash ruffled Scootaloo’s mane, “That’s my little filly. Thanks, Summer. You’re awesome.” “Okay, let me get some breakfast for my two girls and get your school lunches ready. Then we can get you out the door in time so you’re not late for school. I’m afraid I’m a little tired, so I won’t be able to walk you to school today.” Summer asked curiously, “Two girls?” I answered with a smile, “Well, yeah. You and Scoots. My two girls.” Summer simply inclined her head again. The next day, as I was heading towards Bonbon’s to check up on Matt, I glanced at the town clock. Eight-thirty. The appointment with the shrink is at nine. Maybe I can duck out? Important stuff is happening. Too busy for that nonsense. This Matt guy— Dash had snuck up behind me, wrapped her forelegs around my neck, and kissed me on the cheek. She whispered in my ear, “Listen up, you big lug. I know what’s going through your head, and you will not bail. You will go to that appointment with Miss Introspective, or so help me, I will send a letter to Princess Luna, and she will order you to go. I don’t care that you’re worried about this new guy. He’s harmless. You? I love you, and I want to keep you forever. Got it?” Wow, she plays hardball. I kissed her hoof before responding. “Yes, dear. Understood. I’ll be there with bells on.” So much for my great escape. I sat on the couch in the cosy little office and stewed. “I don’t have time for this,” I muttered. “I have a situation to deal with.” I sighed. “But Dash insisted, so here I am.” I chuckled, “Why am I talking to myself?” I half-jokingly pondered, “Maybe I am nuts.” The assistant had asked me a bunch of questions, medical history and so on—about what I expected for an intake interview—after about a half-hour wait, a half hour I could have been using to deal with Matt, a bespectacled ivory earth pony mare with a dark purple mane and tail in a bun entered the room. “Doctor Introspective, I presume?” She smiled thinly, “No, just Miss. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr Alex Roberts.” She led the way towards a slightly open door, and I followed. I entered the next room and settled down on the comfortable couch—the heavy oak coffee table between us, almost like a barrier. I had decided to nip this whole thing in the bud. “I’m afraid this is just a waste of your time. Aren't there people who are more sick you could be helping?” She answered in a pleasant tone, sitting down primly on a cushion across from me, “Well, thank you for showing concern for my other clients, but this time is reserved for you. I have water and comfort items for you if you need them.” She gestured to the side table with a pitcher of fresh water, tissues, and what I guessed was a stress ball. “Do you have any questions about the intake session?”  I shook my head. “If you do have any questions, feel free to ask at any time.” The mare adjusted her glasses. “Now, can you tell me about what brought you here?” I answered frankly, “My doctor, my fiance, my friends, they’re all concerned about me.”  “How are they concerned?”  I recognised an open-ended question when I heard one, but I did my best not to take the bait. “How long do you have?” She smiled thinly, “As long as it takes. Would you like me to read the referral notes?” I grew a little annoyed. I should be figuring out this Matt problem. With a dismissive gesture, I replied, “Go ahead.” She adjusted her glasses, “From Dr Emerald, he was concerned you may be suffering from thoughts of self-harm, possibly suicidal ideation.” She waited for me to reply, but I kept a tight lip. “Your friends and significant others insisted you see me after giving them a disturbing set of instructions. Can you elaborate?” “Which one? I ask my friends to do a lot of stuff.” She replied with a kind yet discerning look, “Mr Roberts, were you informed of the reason for this referral and the cause for concern?” I was tired, and my verbage wasn’t as effective as usual. I took a deep breath to search for an answer. “That I gave my friends, people I trust, precautions to deal with me in case I became dangerous.”  “Can you describe those instructions to me?” The therapist asked. “Why ask? It’s all right in front of you, apparently.” I gestured at her papers. “I ask because your perspective in this referral is very important to better understand you.” She replied.  There was a brief silence as I refused to reply, not because I was afraid to repeat it but because repeating it would no doubt freak her out. Then, the silence continued for one long second after another. I felt I had to say something to break it. I sighed. “I just gave them the tools to stop me if I got out of control, that's all. Let’s just leave it at that.” She tilted her head slightly in the way ponies who are in their element do. “And do you plan on being a danger?” I shook my head and waved my hand dismissively, “No, of course not. But, after the Alpha, I wasn't sure I would never be one. So, a little insurance for you guys.” She leaned forward a little, her ears focused on me, “What do you imagine you could do that warrants this?” I hesitated. “I don’t know, and I never want to find out.” I had an internal debate: Do I tell her about my little game? Why not, might get her off my back, “You know, when I walked into a new setting, I used to play a little game called clear the room. I made a plan to kill everything and everyone in it.” No reaction on her part. “Well, I did that for the first few weeks I was here anyway, but it became too easy. I'm really a wolf among the sheep, you know? I’m sorry, do you have that expression?” She nodded. ”Okay. So, after a while, I added the challenge of making it non-lethal, just disabling. Just as a mental exercise, you understand. I would never do it.” She seemed calm and unaffected by what I said, “Are you playing this game right now?” I just want to get out of here. Maybe I can get her to kick me out? “Maybe…I mean, if I did, nothing fancy. I would likely catch you unaware, if I could, so just an electrical stun from my knife or a punch to the throat, if unarmed. If you were aware, like you are now, I would rely on a distraction and speed to get you before you could call out for help. Didn't fully plan it all out, to be honest. It's gotten kind of boring. And anyway, the game is getting harder because I see you all more as people and friends, not just random creatures.”  "In the past, this wasn’t a game, was it?" I shook my head, "No, it was necessary for my survival.” I chuckled wryly, “Old habits die hard, I suppose." She leaned forward a bit more, ears and eyes locked on me. "And now you are here, with friends. Is it still necessary?" I slammed my palm on the coffee table and raised my voice, "Of course it’s necessary! After what I did to that bitch..." A tear ran down my cheek. To her credit, she didn’t flinch. She’s made of tough stuff. "But she was not your friend. She was, in fact, hurting your friends and your daughter." I conceded the point,  "...yeah." There was a moment of silence while I collected myself. "So, how do you think the habit is going away?" I fought to hold back the tears, "I told you, it’s boring. That, and I see you people more as my friends. I don't want to hurt any pony or see them get hurt." I shrugged, “I’m not a psychopath. It’s not easy to hurt others.” "So you made a plan for them to hurt you." I sat up on the couch and punctuated each word with a tap to my chest, "Because I’m not safe.” I begged, “Don’t you understand?" Again, that pony head tilt. "I would like to. Mr Roberts, do you feel safe right now?” The question resonated in my mind. I finally whispered, "No." She gave me a moment to collect myself. "When was the last time you remember feeling safe?" I stared at the ceiling, tears wetting my cheeks. "I was sitting in my living room, back in my world. Ann, my wife, was resting her head on my shoulder. My kids are with us, we're...watching a movie...moving pictures. That was the day before I jumped. It was so long ago I honestly don’t know if it’s an actual memory or something I just made up to comfort myself." I lay back down on the couch on my side, facing away from her, and brought my legs up to my chest. Her tone became warm and compassionate. "And for sixty years, you couldn't afford to feel safe." I took a moment to collect myself. "No. I don't even remember what it’s like to feel at peace. It’s like my gut is always tight. I’m always worried some new disaster will hit me. Just like the new Jumper. Did you know the first thing I said to him was? That I would kill him to keep this world safe. Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean to scare the kid. I mean, he must be as screwed up as I am. Some Paladin I turned out to be." I sat back up on the couch. She kept her expression neutral, but I think I caught a hint of disapproval in her voice, “I’m sure he will understand once he gets to know you and us. Now, can you tell me about the incident in Canterlot and what led up to it?” I tried bluffing, “What incident? There was a pause. Without taking her eyes off me, she turned to a different page in the file. “It was reported that you threw yourself out the window of your hotel room on the thirty-second floor.” I chuckled, “Oh, yeah. That. No, I just fell off the balcony. My foot went through the thin edge between the lip and the floor. I guess I wasn’t as careful as I should have been.” “Why do you think that was?” “I had just found out from Twilight Sparkle that my days were numbered. I mean, all of our days are numbered, but my ticket was going to be punched sooner rather than later. Dash and I had been headed to her room for a little special snuggle time when we got ambushed by Twilight. She told me I was dying. No time frame, no explanation. Just, I was going to die. Dash and I spent that night together.” I chuckled at the memories, “I found out later it was a DNA issue. I was ageing much faster than normal. Thanks to ponies, my knife, and this thing,” I indicated the medallion, ”I’m doing much better now.” “I see. With this in mind, have you experienced even a small measure of peace recently?" I had to ask, "What kind of small measures?" "Recall moments where you felt even a hint of peace." I smiled a little, "Before I fell that night, I was just enjoying the warmth of my fiance. We were in the afterglow, tired but happy.” I thought a little more, “At my house, sitting with Dash on the couch, stroking her ear. No battles, no fights, no diabolical villains. Just her and me.” I thought for a moment more, “ Right after I had beaten the Alpha, Scootaloo hugged me. It wasn’t peace, but I did feel so loved right there at that moment." I recalled another incident, “When I was checking up on Beatrix after things settled down, there were birds singing. Reminded me of one of my jumps, right after spending about four months—about a full season—stuck in an ice swamp. Near the end, I managed to have a single bird sing to me after I gave it my last piece of bread. Afterwards, I landed in a lush forest. Took the little guy with me in my jump field.” "So, for those moments, you dropped your guard. And what did you get out of it?" I sniffed back a tear, "Paradise. But it never takes long for that little something in the back of my head to tell me I don't know why Dash stays with me or why Scootaloo wants me to be her dad." "So you question when things go well for you, but do not question when things go badly." "Yeah.” I chuckled, “I guess I'm used to hell, not heaven." From the medical records of Alex Roberts: From:  Miss Introspective To:  Dr Emerald Subject:  Preliminary Diagnosis Of Alex Roberts (human) My preliminary diagnosis for Mr Alex Roberts is Complex Induced Trauma Syndrome. After reviewing his history, it is my professional opinion that any sentient creature would suffer from CITS after sixty years of the kind of trauma he endured. I believe the incident with the Diamond Dog Alpha was the trigger that caused him to make the CITS symptoms more pronounced. He has, in my opinion, managed to hide the symptoms quite well until recently.  Since he is not a pony, I cannot recommend any medications, only verbal and behavioural therapies. It will have to be a mixture of pony, gryphon, and warg methodologies. I have made further weekly appointments for the foreseeable future. See attachments for clinical notes, observations, and a preliminary treatment plan. I have also begun inquiries as to the mental health of the new human. Having two humans to study will allow further and better treatments for any more humans arriving at our doorstep in the future. Miss Introspective, BSc