Hi! My name is Francis-something. I know absolutely nothing about My Little Pony or any of its associated affiliates, inferior spin-offs, tacky merchandise…
Wait. Come back! You didn’t let me finish my sentence, thou highly impatient individual. What I was going to add at the end there, before you stormed off in a huff to read Anon’s latest not-at-all-fictitious account of his carnal activities with a humanoid, big-boobed Celestia, was…
….’And that remained the case, until around this time last month’. See? A bit more interesting now, isn’t it? Come on, try a few paragraphs more so I can set the scene…
As I write this, I can name you all the main ponies, their pets, every single Cutie Mark and it’s meaning, all the supporting cast (even that stupid sea monster who only appears in episode one) and yes, even most of the songs (not that you’d want to hear me sing them, unless you fancy a perforated eardrum).
Doesn’t sound that impressive, does it? You’re thinking ‘what has this seemingly insignificant dweebo with intensely red hair, freckles to the max and more moles on his back than there are stars in the sky at night got what I haven’t? I’m a big fan of the show myself, I know all this stuff too. Let’s see how far Anon has gotten in his conquest, maybe Luna’s arrived on the scene dressed as a nurse with silken stockings. Yay for sexy threesomes!’
Well, allow me to add this shock revelation before you click off to partake in a private game of pocket billiards… I’ve never seen one single episode of the programme in my entire humdrum life. Kind of amazing, huh?
Let me close a few other gaping loopholes while I’m here: I haven’t read any novelisations, looked up any synopsis of episodes online, been to any fan forums or conversed with any other viewer of the series in person ever, either.
In fact, my only knowledge of MLP in the build-up to this epic tale was of the retro 80’s franchise, long before I was actually born (I’m an early noughties baby, Baby!). People mocked it as a stupid craze for little girls, and I kind of agreed.
It was the blueprint for all unchallenging, prosaic, boring childhoods all over the world… where everything was unrealistically perfect, the sun shone anew every single morning and rainbows beamed freely from the whiskers of fluffy kittens to make everyone happy and merry the whole day through. Ugh, do me a favour…
Now though, as cheesy and corny as that naively idealistic view sounds, I’d grab it with both hands compared to what I’m experiencing right now. It’s true what they say, you know: you really don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone, although the chances of a Big Yellow Taxi parking up alongside me to take me out of this living nightmare are… somewhat remote, to say the least.
Oops, getting a bit ahead of myself here. I suppose I should start at the beginning, which seems almost another lifetime ago now. Here goes nothing… but I warn you, I may have to stop anytime. Things are pretty dangerous around here right now, and… well, you’ll understand when I get to that point. Maybe.