//------------------------------// // Chapter 6: Trouble On The Farm. // Story: The Crazy Adventures Of Two Siblings Who Hate Each Other In Equestria. // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// Hi, I’m back again! Sorry for the brief intermission, but normal service has been well and truly resumed. The reasons for the slight pause in my tale of personal woe, unexpected dimensional-hopping and poignant sibling bonding (not) are twofold. The first is I had a massive itch in a very awkward position mid-back, and seeing as I have no nails to speak of anymore and a horizontally-elongated body, I was practically forced into using my (so far) useless horn to reach the source of the irritation. Aah! That’s the stuff! I hope that wasn’t a biting bug… do ponies get flies? I’ve heard of ‘horseflies’, but I’m not a horse as my sister keeps incessantly reminding me, so I should be okay… I think. Damn this light purple fur, parasitic infestations, the fact you can’t get flea collars for equines and this whole stupid babyish made-up universe in general. The second cause for delay was something a tad less discomforting to my well-being. It was the arresting spectacle of an orange mare wearing a straw hat and her tail tied back charging headlong towards a tree, looking for all the world like she was going to headbutt it into submission. Or as we say down my neck of the ‘woods’ (get it?) give it a Glasgow Kiss (not as romantic as it sounds). Huh. This is something you don’t see every day. I didn’t know there were any masochistic ponies in this show. I wonder if this is their version of Jackass? Well, as long as I don’t get hurt, I don’t care. Wish I’d brought some popcorn with me now… Naturally, things weren’t exactly as they first seemed. What looked like an insane mare well on her way to splitting her skull like an overripe melon was actually something a lot more kid-friendly. Just when it seemed that major cranial impact was unavoidable, she spun about like a dervish to thwack the tree with both of her muscular-looking hind legs… …Which had the desired effect of dislodging a steady stream of apples from the branches, neatly filling up about four buckets at the roots that’d been placed there with that purpose in mind. Wow. That’s quite a neat trick. Better not let our government at home hear about it though, or foreign fruit-pickers’ dreams of relocating to the UK will be history. This method seems a lot cheaper, quicker… if a lot more sore on the hooves… “Ahem!” Daisy was tugging at my fetlocks, for she had something she desperately wanted to tell me. “When you’ve quite finished staring at Applejack in admiration, there’s a few things you should know about her. She won’t tolerate any rudeness or dishonesty, so be on your best behaviour. That means no swearing, no name-calling and definitely don’t tell her your favourite joke about the vicar eating jelly babies behind the tombstone…” “But, it’s a good joke! It always works as an ice-breaker!” “I don’t think she’d see the funny side to it, somehow.” Daisy narrowed her eyes in annoyance, as Applejack stood back admiring her handiwork (or hoofiwork) in the background. “Now, go over there and say hello. As much as I’d like to do everything for you, as Celestia’s student Twilight Sparkle you have to be the one who makes friends with the other ponies, not me. And remember why you’re here: you’re checking in on arrangements for the Summer Sun Celebration. So be polite, don’t lose your cool, and most importantly of all…” “Yes…?” I craned my neck to listen. “Don’t tell her that joke!!” Daisy re-emphasised her earlier warning in far starker terms. “Okay, okay. I get it. Geez, so sorry for trying to bring a bit of humour to a miserable grey world.” I rolled my eyes in justified indignation whilst gradually making my way over to the hat-wearing pony by the name of Applejack, with my scowling sister observing with her arms crossed and a slight look of trepidation on her face. Gosh, what a worrywort. When have I ever let her down before? Well, there was that one time. Oh, and that other occasion not so long ago. And just last week, when I… oh, sh*t. I pushed all those unsettling thoughts to the back of my brain for now, for this was the moment I needed to put my game face on. Applejack hadn’t even noticed our arrival yet, too occupied as she was counting the amount of tasty-looking produce which had amassed into her multiple pails. Well, here goes nothing… my first proper interaction with one of the residents of this wacked-out animalistic world. I hope she’s not as much of a dumb country hick as she appears; that strong farmyard aroma wafting from her fur doesn’t fill me full of optimism either. Is deodorant another one of life’s necessities they haven’t invented yet in Equestria? Enough endless procrastinating… I just gotta dive right in and hope for the best. “Hello, my name is Dar… um, Twilight Sparkle, and…” “Well, howdy-do Miss Twilight! A pleasure makin’ your acquiescence!” Without any warning whatsoever, she practically shook my hoof off during her unnecessarily enthusiastic greeting. “I’m Applejack! We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like makin’ new friends…” “I can see that.” I forced myself to grin sheepishly in turn, whilst seriously worrying about having a dislocated limb to go along with my raging headache. “Nice set-up you got here. That was a pretty cool thing you did with the tree, too. You’ll have to teach me that some time…” “A unicorn? Wantin’ to learn how to buck apples? Well I do declare Miss Twilight, you’re a pony after my own heart!” A little bit of that hillbilly country drawl goes a long way, but at least she seems amiable enough. “Well, I might as well learn something while I’m here, seeing as how my ‘magical’ horn is practically just a powerless upside-down traffic cone on my head…” This ‘shocking’ revelation was apparently enough to get Applejack to stop shaking my hoof like a particularly stubborn bottle of ketchup, to stare at me with a mixture of genuine sympathy and outright horror. “No kiddin’? A unicorn that can’t even do magic. Why I never heard of somethin’ like that in all my long days! It must be so tough… tell ya what. I don’t usually do this, but if you came here lookin’ for work, I’m willin’ to give you a trial starting today. I know Big Mac would ‘preciate the help, and Apple Bloom and Granny Smith are too young and old to contribute much, respectably. We can’t pay you a lot, but we’d be glad to have you here, and…” No, no, no! This is all going wrong! I don’t want to settle down here with a tiring menial job cohabiting with a bunch of inbred rednecks. I need to get out of this place ASAP to begin my college life in earnest with a big party, various one-night stands and maybe even a game of beer pong or two! I just about held it together, although the urge to slap myself in the face at this juncture was nearly overpowering (What stopped me in the end was I got the distinct impression it would hurt. A lot.) “Thank you for your kind offer Applejack, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. I’m allergic to soil… I mean, worms… I mean, hard work. The real reason I entered your charming farming establishment today was because I’m in charge of supervising the er, ‘Summer Sun Celebration’, and I guess you’re responsible for the um, catering side of things, or something. I’m right, aren’t I?” Please tell me I’m right… “We sure as sugar are! Sorry ‘bout all that confusion before, but now I know why you’re here… would ya care to sample some food?” “Would I?! It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth! I suppose Meatloaf is off the menu, but let me guess… you’ve got a few apples spare?” “Are ya kidding? It’s what we at Sweet Apple Acres practically live and thrive on. Jus’ give me a sec to get everythin’ ready for ya…” Applejack then produced a miniature metal triangle from practically nowhere (Coincidentally, the only instrument I could passably play in music class) to loudly announce to no-one in particular… “Soup’s on everypony!!” Suddenly, it was as if a stampede of buffalo overwhelmed us, as both me and an equally mollified Daisy (who’d been watching on with understandably increasing anxiety) found ourselves caught in a maelstrom of colourful four-legged bodies. When the dust had finally settled we’d somehow been deposited at an outdoor table sitting side-by-side surrounded by eagerly smiling ponies, and Applejack popping up out of nowhere to ask the question… “Now, why don’t I introduce y’all to the Apple family?” “Hey, I came here to eat something sweet! Not meet-and-greet!! And where’s the soup you just promised us?!” I growled, markedly irked by both the unrequested relocation and the blatant bait-and-switch going on here. “That was a pretty funny play on words there, Big Brother! But it’s no good… nopony is listening to you.” Daisy chortled, at least acknowledging my superior wordplay. “Let’s just get everything out of the way, then we can move onto the next pony.” “Get what out of the way?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow, but the answer came so thick and fast from all around me, she didn’t even have a chance to reply. Or maybe she couldn’t, as she was currently quaking with silent mirth at my growing discomfiture at the rampant lunacy that inevitably followed. “This here’s Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Caramel Apple…” As Applejack loudly announced each member of her ginormous extended family in turn (obviously, birth control wasn't a 'thing' here either) and each one emerged dropping assorted apple-related provisions onto the table into a big heap, I lost more and more of my will to live. And most of them are named after types of apple or apple dishes, you say? When it comes to bad puns, the writers of this show have got me beaten to a ‘pulp’. Get it? Apple pulp? Nah, even after that, I still lose by a country mile. It was near the end of this massively overlong ‘reunion’ of complete strangers that a searching question appeared in my ailing brain, that I really should’ve held back from public discourse. But seeing as I was being assaulted from all sides by these awful apple gags disguised as ponies, what was one more to add to the Hall Of Shame? “Where’s ‘Rotten Apple’, if you don’t mind me asking?” The second those words left my lips, Applejack stopped introducing the latest member of her hick clan (I think it was ‘Apple Cinnamon Crisp’ or something else that sounded like a breakfast cereal) to glance at me in surprise, and a more general gasp could be heard from the multitudes of other farmyard ponies in attendance. Even the off-key banjo music that comprised the soundtrack had screeched to a halt. Uh oh. “Why, he’s at that strict boardin’ school way down in Fillydelphia to help straighten him out, of course. How y’all know about him? That were supposed to be a closely-guarded secret. Even our nearest family barely mention his name, on account of what he did…” The until-now paragon of friendship that was Applejack suddenly regarded me with outright suspicion, and even worse there were incriminating whispers from the many other curious ponies dotted around us; “Who is this strange unicorn… where did she come from… is she spying on us… did y’all hear her say she can’t even use her horn… never heard of anything like that before...she even walks weird.” “Um, I think we better go. Now.” There was no point in Daisy nudging me to urge that, having already reached that same conclusion myself about a minute earlier. “Y…Yep, let me just quickly grab something for the road.” I snatched a couple of apple-tastic treats from the table, before turning to indicate my departure. “You pass the food inspection with flying colours; no rats, mould or avocados whatsoever. Ten out of ten from me. I’ll send you a copy of my report later, time permitting. Well, be seeing you!” Wasting not one more solitary second, I instinctively grabbed an unstruggling Daisy to physically place her onto my back, before running like the clappers into the distance… almost colliding with an approaching wrinkly old green mare and a yellow filly sporting a natty ribbon en route. “Daisy, who’s ‘Rotten Apple’? I only said it as a joke!” “I have no idea! Maybe there’s more to canon than what we saw in the show. I thought the only 'bad' Apple family member was Babs Seed. Before she got reformed, that is...” “Well in any case, I think we’ve burned that particular bridge. I just hope that whatever we have to do to get out of this crazy place, we can do it without the help of the Apples and their football squad of a family. Where to next?” “Please don't mention 'burning' to me, I still remember what happened back at the library. And I don’t wanna tell you because if you mess things up with her it’ll make me really angry, but a pegasus called Rainbow Dash. She looks just like my last birthday cake. As I’ve told you before plenty of times, she’s Best Pony… so if you ruin my chances at being with her I-I’ll…” “Yeah, yeah. Roll around on the floor and scream your head off. Not something I haven’t seen before, believe me.” I glanced backwards to see if we were being followed, but fortunately it looked like the only activity came from Applejack and some big scarlet lug who watched us leave without a word. Phew, glad I skedaddled out of there before I had to face that huge red bruiser of a stallion. In my current state and size as a weak, feeble mare he would’ve made mincemeat out of me. I really need to stop with the random meat analogies though, because it just reminds me what I’m missing… “Big Brother! Focus!!” “Aargh! Alright, Dais. Focusing! You don’t have to yank my mane quite so hard…” ************************ “Hey, Big Mac. Did somethin’ strike you about that unicorn, Miss Twilight Sparkle? Did she seem a little… odd to you? Even though she had great taste in food, I mean.” “Yup.” “My thoughts exactly. Methinks there may be more to her than meets the eye. I’m just gonna head into town and ask a few questions. D’ya mind holdin' down the fort til’ I return? Don't forget to bath Winona, neither.” “Nope.” “Thanks, Big Brother. I knew I could count on you.”