//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Close Encounters Of The Pinkie Kind. // Story: The Crazy Adventures Of Two Siblings Who Hate Each Other In Equestria. // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// “...And when you talk to the locals, at least try to sound friendly and that you care what they’re saying. Also, I know you’re not that intelligent, but Twilight is, so if you could pretend to have a big brain that’ll be great…” “What are you telling me… you don’t think I’m smart? Well, how come you ask me to help you with your homework all the time? I bet you haven't even seen all the complex computer spreadsheets and debugging programs I’ve written either…!” *Sigh* “I don’t think those ‘skills’ are gonna help us out all that much all the way out here, Big Brother. And I asked you to help me just so I could spend some time with you, otherwise you’d be upstairs all day playing video games or lying in bed. I could easily solve all those algebra questions in five minutes flat even without your or Mum’s help, but I don’t wanna be moved to a higher class. All my friends are in Mrs Grady’s you see, and I’d miss them if I had to go to another teacher. Well, apart from Florian of course.” Hmm… While it was true my sister was one of the most popular kids at her school (judging by the raucous sleepovers she arranged almost every week at our address which severely impacted my gaming enjoyment and… other activities) I remained understandably sceptical of the rest of her statement there. This was after all, a girl who still struggled to tie her own shoelaces and check both ways before crossing the street. I’ll never forget the time she nearly became part of a Prius’s front bumper whilst running off full-pelt at the sound of an ice cream van. Shudder. “If you say so, Daisy. ‘Intelligence’ means different things to different people, and just because I might not be great at the things you do at primary school, it doesn’t mean I’m not good at the things I want to do in life. For example, that Shakespeare guy: do they really think all that ‘To be or not to be’ and ‘Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well’ gibberish is of much use in the real world? You could know every one of his plays by heart, and still have all the social skills of an anaemic sloth…” “Well, if anyone would know anything about that, it’s you Big Brother.” “...Hey! That was uncalled for. I resemble that remark.” Wait. What did I just say? “I didn’t mean to be rude, but when you spend half your life in your bedroom and only come out a few times a day for bathroom breaks and to shout at me and Mum to get you a cup of tea, it must be hard to develop decent social skills. So that’s why I’m here teaching you about them now; so you can learn how to make friends easier when you go away, you can get a good job when the time is right, and…” “ ‘And’…?” I hope she realises I wouldn’t let anyone else speak to me in this outrageous manner. “...So you don’t give our butts away the first chance you get.” Daisy gestured one of her sharp claws to the front of the chariot, where fortunately it looked like our two pegasi steeds had been far too busy involved in the arduous task of navigating the skies to eavesdrop on our hushed conversation. “I want to enjoy this world for as long as I can while we’re here, and I wouldn’t appreciate it if you had us thrown into prison or a mental hospital before we’ve at least had an opportunity to have a proper look around.” “Huh? Are you forgetting the main goal here? We’ve supposed to be looking for a way home! Not taking part in a sightseeing tour like we were on holiday in Blackpool, or something.” (You might think I’d come up with a slightly more exotic destination for my brilliant metaphor, but a crappy seaside town was all we could afford after a certain male parental figure ran off with all our loot. That’s a story for another time though, kiddos). “Yeah, yeah. Of course. I just think it would be a shame to waste this once-in-a-lifetime chance, that’s all.” Daisy didn’t even glance at me as she answered, probably afraid of any awkward follow-up questions that might reveal her true intentions. “Anyway, haven’t you noticed? Thunderclap and… the other stallion are suddenly flying downward. I think we’ll be landing soon in Ponyville, so remember what I told you about acting like Twilight, try to say as little as possible and whatever you do…” “What?” This child is taking the word ‘precocious’ to unbelievably obnoxious new heights. “Don’t screw this up.” Wait, where did she learn that kind of language? Was it Florian, or ‘Mrs Grady’, or something? There’s me minding my P’s and Q’s around her for years, and I find out she’s almost as foul-mouthed as me. Why, I’ve got a good mind to drop the F bomb right now! In fact I think I will…” “F…Fine.” Alas, my courage deserted at the last possible moment, as the grey clouds finally parted and the ‘splendour’ of Ponyville could clearly be sighted from our ever-decreasing vantage point. “Glad we agree, Darren.” Daisy seemed to be relishing her new ‘leadership’ role, if her broad draconic sharp-toothed grin was anything to go by. “Now, when we land, don’t forget to exit the vehicle carefully, you can hold my claw if you’re afraid…” “Dais? “Yes, Big Brother?” “Don’t push it. I am seriously not in the mood right now.” ****************** After we’d taken our leave of our two guides and they were a mere blot on the landscape (at least I was apparently able to say ‘Goodbye’ convincingly) I took a quick glimpse around my new rustic surroundings. Hmm. A definite step-down from Canterlot, but still much better-looking than the sh*tty downtrodden neighbourhood I hail from. For a start, none of these houses have their windows boarded up, there’s no hapless drunks lying around in the gutters, no disposable vape packages littering the pavement and… who the Sam Hill is this freakshow? A bizarro pinkish pony with a puffy tail had just blithely wandered up to me, to stare directly into my confuzzled eyes as if expecting me to say something to her. As utterly irked as I was by my current predicament, and thoroughly fed-up with my little sister’s new presumed role of ‘wearing the pants’ in our sibling relationship (although neither of us actually wore any clothes to speak of), I couldn’t help but forget her earlier advice and responded to the inquisitiveness of the new arrival with my usual charm and decorum. “Yeah? What’s your major malfunction, balloon-butt?” By that, I didn’t mean she had a fat arse. She literally had three multi-coloured balloons engraved onto the side of her garish flank. And I thought having six stars was bad enough. Geez, I wonder how many other of these ‘Cutie Marks’ are gonna make my list of ‘Worst Tattoos Of All Time’ when this is all finally done. Maybe I should start a list… The strange mare’s reaction to my off-the-cuff remark was… somewhat OTT in my humble opinion. Whereas most humans would’ve probably frowned and ignored me or, at the very most, given me a stern telling-off, this particular pink pony was apparently a bit more emotionally fraught than that. She exhaled in shock, jumped about five feet in the air (even seeming to freeze in time momentarily) before galloping off into the distance at such a speed that even Lewis Hamilton and the Roadrunner combined might’ve had difficulty keeping up. Oh, great. Now she’s off to inform all her equine friends what a grumpy old sourpuss has just arrived in Ponyville, and they won’t want anything to do with me. Don’t tell me I’ve messed things up already, in record time even for me. Oh, I can’t wait to hear Daisy’s inevitable lecture about ‘how I can’t be trusted to do anything right’ and how she ‘wished she had a Big Sister instead’. Might as well get it out of the way, I suppose. Stunningly enough though, and against all preset expectations, Daisy didn’t look that upset. In fact, she seemed to be holding back a major attack of the giggles, and glanced up with amusement at my contrasting dumbstruck expression. “Oh Darren, don’t you remember Pinkie Pie? The biggest weirdo in all the Main 6? She would’ve responded that way whatever you’d said to her. As long as you’re not that rude when you meet Applejack next, don’t worry… you haven’t done anything wrong. Yet.” “ ‘Pinkie Pie’? Gosh, with ‘Twinkleshine’ and ‘Moondancer’, these pony names just keep getting more masculine and testosterone-driven, don’t they? What next… ‘Rambo’ and Rocky’?” “It’s a show aimed at girls like me, Big Brother. What do you expect? Now, follow me. I know where to go first.” “I thought you said it had adult fans earlier, Dais. Was that something you just made up to win the argument, like you always do?” “Not this time. You see, they’re called ‘bronys’, and whilst some of them are like you and spend all their time avoiding other people, others form communal groups and even go to conventions, arrange meet-ups, write fanfiction and…” Fanfiction. The sole refuge for failed authors everywhere. Go figure. I mentally shut out her tedious blathering about how ‘wide, varied and welcoming the MLP fandom was’ as I looked ahead to realise she was leading us both to a farm in the near distance, judging by all the crops I saw growing on both sides. Well, at least I’ll be able to get something to eat here. You’d think my appetite would be sated for now with that ridiculously large meal I enjoyed back in Canterlot, but it isn’t. I’ll never question the origin of the phrase ‘Hungry As A Horse’ ever again… “ ‘Pony’, Big Brother. You’re a ‘pony’, not a horse.” “Wait, what? How did you know what I was…” “So anyway, the older female fans can be called ‘pegasisters’ or ‘bronys’, it’s entirely up to them. As you can see, it’s not just for little kids, so I’m right again…” I hope I was talking out loud then without noticing, because otherwise that’s just creepy. I thought, as we passed underneath an archway with a wooden apple carved sign atop it. Still, I can’t dwell on such matters now. I’ve got enough strangeness to contend with here in Equestria, without worrying about my sister’s inexplicable psychic mind-reading powers. This was very true. But as of yet, I wasn’t to know just how strange. That is, until very shortly. “Yee-ha!!”