So, I’m sitting in a hospital room, next to a big, white, blond unicorn that I have just learnt was Princess Celestia’s nephew, whatever that meant. He was just lying there, screaming and crying because he was hurting all over. The Six Scary Mares were there, Rarity was taking pictures while looking like a dog that was staring at a piece of steak, and the rest of her friends looked mildly concerned. Princess Luna was holding me smugly, while Celestia only looked mildly concerned, but deep down, she was as happy… as a lark, whatever a lark is.
“So, how is he, doctor?” Celestia asked a nearby pony in a white coat, who had the name ‘Dcotor Who’ for some reason. I think Celestia was just asking to be courteous.
“Well… Bruised, a couple broken legs, broken nose, there’s a bit of a flag pole that is seemingly inserted into…”
So, while that doctor kept listing all the things wrong with Blueblood, which is his name for some reason. You might be wondering how the heck this big guy ended up in the hospital shortly after Cadance and Shining Armor had a ‘proper’ wedding. Especially with that long list of injuries that kept on piling on, and on, and on. Well… It all started a week ago, when I woke up…
I crawled out from under my bed, in a tuxedo. For some reason, everypony insisted I dress up in a suit, and every mare in the room cooed about how ‘cute’ I looked. Now, Rarity might murder me for some reason, because she told me to take it off before I went to bed, but I didn’t know how to take the suit off. Changelings don’t wear clothes, and we don’t know how to put them on, or take them off. Rarity and Cadance helped with getting me into it and it was just expected of me to take it off after everypony took pictures or tried to pinch my cheeks.
How they pinched my cheeks with hooves was beyond me, and that goes for wearing clothes as well.
After a moment of thought, while staring at that changeling in the mirror, before biting a piece of the pot that held a tree in my room. While I had some pot for breakfast, I figured if somepony might kill me for ruining the suit they made me, then that’s fine. At least then I won’t have to question if these ponies want me dead. Most of the mares in the palace, especially Luna, look at me while smelling like they want to mate. I say most mares because I end up licking female guards on the nose just to see their reaction, and also because they called me cute and deserve to get punished for it.
I walked over to the bed, and up to Soft, who I get to watch over for this week, woo! I shrunk down to the size of an ant, letting my suit fall to the floor, and I crawled out of it. After that, I climbed on the bed while Soft slept in. I pulled her close to me with a foreleg, pulling her closer to me. Mom told me changelings don’t have hearts, but I think I just grew one for it to melt, because this little filly had the audacity to snuggle deeper into my carapace. I started hiccuping from the little gesture. The door clicked open, and the filly’s mother walked in with a tray of food.
“...Why do you have bits of clay and terracotta on your cheeks?” She looked at the pot in the room, which was now missing a decent chunk. “You do know if you waited a little longer, you could’ve had some apple pie, or just an apple, and then you can have my filly unknowingly fill you up with love by using you as a teddy bear.”
“...She did use me as a teddy bear the day before yesterday, I turned into a stuffed changeling, and she was so darn happy…” I sighed. “I need to find a way to obtain a filly or a colt,” I rested my head over Soft’s body, tucking her under my neck.
“Hey now, if I did not know any better, I think you were trying to keep my daughter,” Harmonic giggled. “Thank you for taking care of my daughter though, with you, I almost never have to guess if she’s doing alright,” my maid nuzzled me before setting the tray down on the bed. “Though I will be taking a vacation, and I will be taking Soft, so we’ll be gone for about a week. Is that okay with you, oh mighty Stinky?”
“...What’s a vacation? Some changelings told me I had to vacate my den once, and then when I asked what that meant, they just used me as a pillow… The four of us almost became mates because of that,” Breeze blinked a couple times, and I tilted my head. “What? There were only two changelings, me and the other, the other two came in to snag the other-ling. Nobuggy wanted to date the Queen’s son after all.” I then proceeded to eat an apple and save the pie for Soft when she woke up.
“I thought you changelings were going to have a herd…”
“There’s a whole Cluster, Kzkztzitz I believe, that is essentially an entire family; all of them are mates.” Why was Harmonic facehoofing? “What?”
“There’s a whole cluster in your Hive, which is apparently a group of changelings, that’s a herd?”
“What’s that? Like cows? Those live in herds.”
At some point, Mrs. Breeze took Soft for the day, so I was left alone. I was sitting on a bench, in the middle of Canterlot, outside of a library. You see, I now know how to read, and ponies seem to fuss over books, so I might as well try out books. Now, why am I not in the library, reading a book? You see, I don’t know how to take books home, and I don’t know where the Royal Library was, so I asked my usual female guards if they’d escort me to the library. When they asked me about the one in the castle, I was already walking towards the castle gates.
So now I was just sitting outside the library wondering how to rob it of some books. This one book series, called Doing Dare or something stupid like that, seems kinda interesting. That, and for some reason it’s on posters plastered all over the library’s windows. I don’t know how to check books out, whatever that meant, so after some long, hard thinking, I hopped off the bench and walked in. Upon being assured I wasn’t there to hurt anyone, because I was given a collar with ‘Return to Princess Luna if Found’ on a piece of bronze and forced to wear it whenever I left the castle, I was allowed in the library with a smile.
I walked around the library for a minute, pretending like I wasn’t being suspicious, until I just grabbed the whole set of Daring Do books near the front, and jumped out a nearby window.
Sergeant Sharpoint blinked a couple of times as her charge broke through a window after turning his foreleg into a bag, having stuffed a set of children’s books into it, and ran off. The librarian just sat there and blinked a couple of times. “Uh… Good thing this is a public library?” The poor guard sighed. The librarian simply shook their head, before handing the guard a newly printed library card.
“Just give this to that changeling next time you see him, so maybe he won’t break through a window again… Where’d all my suckers go?” The librarian turned to the now empty sucker jar.
I had managed to sneak out a whole thing of suckers, at least two hundred sixty-one suckers, into my mouth and started sucking on them after finding myself a place to sit in the castle gardens, reading a book, which was actually kind of fun, I hummed a tune that would get me hung in the Hive for humming it, until something blocked out the sunlight that was perfectly shining on my butt. “Huh?” I looked up to see a blond dude, a tall, blond unicorn staring down at me in disgust. I took a whiff of the air… Pride, disgust… Doesn’t smell like he has much going on in the brain. He very, very, very, very, very, very faintly smells like Celestia if Celestia rolled around in poop for an hour.
“So you’re that ‘pony’ Aunt Luna was talking about… I must say, something must’ve hit her head. I’m going to let you in on something important, bug,” the Celestia clone said. Before getting up in my face. I had a mouth full of suckers so I couldn’t really respond to whatever he was going to say. “You will never be a noble, you’re a disgusting, ugly, worthless-” I swallowed all of the suckers while he said things that were fairly accurate.
“I kissed both of your aunts on the nose once, they seemed to like me… You smell like Celly, but if she were a piece of dung.” With that, I sat up, booped Blueblood’s nose with mine, before happily trotting off with my newly acquired stash of books. While I was walking away, Blueblood was contemplating what I just did to him, and I started running a little faster when he started screaming and yelling slurs about ponies… for some reason. That’s pretty bucked up, Poopy Face, some foals might hear you.
My guard caught up to me and gave me a weird little card so opened up the book I was reading and used it as a bookmark. Then I started reading while walking, which can only go well.
The next couple days went in a blur, I read all the books, and they all disappeared the next day when I read through them all, but I still had the weird little card i was using as a bookmark, so I ate that. Soft Breeze was sleeping while curled up and using my stomach as a pillow, and I was wearing my suit, since the wedding was today. I was allowed to bring Soft and Ms. Breeze, but apparently their vacation started just before the wedding.
On the bright side, Soft was allowed to sleep with me, and Ms. Breeze… She was sleeping right next to me, using my back as a pillow. My maid let out a yawn before getting up. “I’m certain that everything is in order, Stinky?” My maid asked. She had plucked her daughter off of my stomach and onto her back. “And that I assume that you will be fine without me for the remainder of the month?”
“It is, and I’ll be fine, thank you,” I rolled out of the bed. “I suppose… I should go head towards the wedding. That seems really important,” with that, the two of us shook hooves, and we left our room. After Ms. Breeze locked it and gave me the keys, which she explicitly told me not to eat, she started off on her way, likely to some beach to sip alcoholic drinks on while her daughter played in the sand or something. I sighed, before heading on down to the sun-room, or the room where the wedding was taking place. Hopefully I’ll get to get a nibble of some love; I’ve been full for the last few weeks, but a little bit of romantic love was always a treat.
Well, I didn’t get that nibble, because I fell asleep halfway through the wedding. What it boiled down to was a bunch of words, a promise or two, and a kiss. The problem was Celestia’s little speech about how important it is for two ponies to choose to marry, bound souls, and all that stuff… Her speech lasted exactly thirty four minutes, twenty two seconds, and exactly one millisecond. The only reason why I was even awake was for the wedding reception, which was basically a party with that stupid thing called dancing.
So I was surprised to be put on stage with a microphone after Twilight was done singing about love being in bloom or something. So, like any smart changeling who knows how to sing, I had to make a song on the spot. Luckily, I assumed it had to be love related, so I took a deep breath, before opening my throat and letting out a squeak. I eeped when everypony in the room stopped what they were doing, the music stopped too, and all of them stopped to stare at me. “D’aw, he’s nervous, c’mon everypony, let’s give him some encouragement-” Apple Jack walked up to try and pat me on the shoulder, but I backed away after putting the microphone down.
“Uh…” I slowly made my way to a window. “I’m going to go get some fresh air,” I headbutted a window and jumped out of the newly formed hole that my cranium made. I fluttered down into the gardens before finding my tree. I sat on my butt, wondering why these ponies were so nice to me. Their homes got destroyed during the invasion about a month ago, and yet they welcome me with welcome hooves, happily taking me in as one of their own. Was it because they felt bad from my stories about home? I don’t know. I really want my Mom, at least then I would know what to expect everyday.
“There you are, you stupid bug,” oh, it’s the blond pony. “I’ve come to challenge you to a duel!” What’s that?
“As in a dual chocolate bar?” I tilted my head. “I want to just lie here and bask in the sun, please leave me alone,” I said. I was just about to take a nap while I sat pondering the depressing thoughts. “If you want a fight, that’s a really bad idea, since my Mom used to surprise attack me, often to teach me how to defend myself.” Blondie raised his hoof and swung at me. I let the hoof connected with my head, which hurt, but I heard Blond’s wrist crack. With a scream and a shake, he drove the same hoof at my face, only for it to be stopped by green magic.
“W-what the?” Blond looked shocked.
“Well, would you look at that,” oh sweet Chrysalis no. “I see an opportunity to finally speak with my son after not seeing him in five months, and I see a pony trying to beat him to death…” The voice let out a sigh. “Prince Blueblood, I would advise that you do not hit my son in the face while he is relaxing, so I’m going to ask you this once, and only once because I am feeling generous,” from the shadows, a tall, dark figure walked out with a small smile. Of course it was my mother. “Leave my son alone, or I will castrate you.” She let go of ‘Blueblood’s hoof, and the first thing he did was punch me in the face on accident.
The next thing I knew, Blueblood was lying on the floor, screaming, having been castrated in the blink of an eye, then my Mom spent the next six and a half minutes pounding her hooves into Blueblood like a deer. Queen Chrysalis walked over to me, staring down at me with fake disgust. She leaned down and kissed the spots Blueblood had hit, then she winked at me. “We will have more time to talk, but unfortunately a certain, ungrateful mare keeps screaming about her missing genitalia,” with that, my Mom disappeared into the night as ponies came by to see what happened.
Wait, my Mom actually protected me? Wait… she also kissed me on the forehead. What the buck happened to her at the wedding?
Anyways, upon seeing Blueblood, nopony looked at me, and quickly started trying to get Blueblood to the infirmary because he was still screaming.
“And Blueblood was castrated,” the doctor finished. Blueblood finally tired himself out, probably because of the mixture of bloodlost.
“Well, he did assault my changeling, who probably acted out of self defense,” Luna said. “Nopony likes Blueblood anyways; he spent half of last year’s budget on a party for his newly acquired horseshoes that he accidentally dropped off of Canterlot. If nothing else, this might be a new learning experience…” Luna hummed while Celestia was sitting in shock at the long list of injuries, and especially the last injury Blueblood had received. “Once he is conscious and if he won’t die if we take him off of life support, off to the dungeons with him. I caught him doing tax fraud at one point. This is just an opportunity to toss that brat in jail for that.” Luna nuzzled me.
“...Stinky, how did you do so much damage to Blueblood?” Celestia asked. She just ignored what her sister just said.
“I didn’t. He punched me in the face and then my Mom came out of nowhere, I think I saw a changeling teleport near the castle in the last chapter, and only Queens can teleport, so I can guess where she’s been the whole time. Anyways, she told your nephew not to hit me and she did the weirdest thing ever. I think she hit her head, because she stopped Blueblood from hitting me, and actually beat Tartarus into Blueblood. Then she kissed my bruises away instead of laughing at my injuries… If she hit her head and actually became a decent mother, then I won’t complain.”
“How… Did Chrysalis get past security?” Twilight asked, finally taking her eyes off the unconscious prince.
“She did it for half of last year, waiting to kidnap Cadance,” I pointed out. “Nopony noticed; she sent me a letter about how she used Blueblood’s toothbrush to clean some dog poop off of her hooves, since she knows who he is for some reason.” I shrugged. “So I guess sneaking around the castle just to actually protect me isn’t completely out of her skill.” I hummed. “Hopefully Mom stays a decent Mom, it felt… Nice to be protected for once by her.”
Rarity ran off, screaming she must show the photos to the Press or something stupid like that.