//------------------------------// // Story 10: Disorder in the Court // Story: Mountie Python's Flying Circus // by Locomotion //------------------------------// “Mr Jack Hammer, you have heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you'd like to say before I pass sentence?” Tall Order waited patiently for the defendant to reply. Today had been an extremely busy day for him and the other magistrates; with so many ponies pulling pranks and telling jokes, some of which had turned out to be quite damaging, there had been a disproportionate number of cases for irresponsible behaviour. How this day could still be called World Comedy Day, he really couldn't understand – let alone how so many of his witnesses, barristers and ushers seemed to be rolling with the punch. The defendant bowed his head. “Yes, Your Honour – I'm very sorry,” he replied sombrely. “It was a very bad thing to have done, and I'm deeply ashamed of myself. All I can say is that I promise it'll never happen again. To have committed such a dastardly and unforgivable crime on such an event as World Comedy Day is a tragedy and a disgrace unto my good self, and I'm really very sorry that I did it.” He turned to the trio of police officers, all of whom were laying back in a lax, carefree manner as if it was their day off; “I'd like to offer a particularly heartfelt apology to the police for taking up so much of their valuable time, gathering evidence and poring so tirelessly over the sordid details of this senseless felony of mine.” “Ah, no need to apologise,” said one of them. “We were only doing our job, weren't we?” “It's good of you to say that,” continued Jack ruefully, “but to have had to go to the trouble of arresting me...” “Trouble? After you surrendered yourself at the 47th Precinct?” laughed another officer. “It couldn't have been easier!” “Yes, I...I understand. But sometimes we seem to forget the difficult and often dangerous work involved in tracking down criminals like me, and I'd just like you to know that your fine work is at least appreciated by me. I'd also like to apologise to the prosecuting counsel – and to you, Your Honour – for dragging you in here just for the sake of dealing with such a despicable pony as myself,” added Jack. “Well...we would have had to come here anyway,” said the counsel matter-of-factly. “Oh, well...that's a mercy. And what a presentation of a case,” praised Jack. “It's been a real privilege to see you in action.” Turning his attention away from the flattered counsel, he addressed the jury; “And the rest of you...what more can I say? I've called you away from your homes, your jobs, your families, all to hear what a disgusting felon I've been.” “Ah, it's nothing really,” one of the jurors dismissed cheerfully. “We've had a really good time, and we can't thank you enough.” Jack smiled humbly and turned back to Tall Order. “So, Your Honour, it only remains for you to pass the most savage sentence on me that the law can provide,” he finished. Throughout Jack's apologetic speech, Tall Order could only stare disbelievingly, completely lost for words at the disproportionate level of remorse he was displaying. Indeed, it took him a good few seconds to find his voice again. “It's only a parking offence,” he said incredulously. At that moment, another barrister entered the courtroom. “Sorry I'm late, Your Honour,” he apologised, “I got lost again on the way here.” “Well, never mind that now, Mr Bencher,” chided Tall Order, “we've got a case to conclude here.” “Right, well, don't bother to recap, Your Honour,” replied Mr Bencher, “I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Miss Rattling Gossip.” “Call Miss Rattling Gossip!” announced the clerk. Almost on cue, a light purple Earth mare with a golden mane and tail and a bored look on her face stepped into the witness box. Without any prompting, she picked up the book and declared, “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So anyway...” She set it down again, and immediately began rambling on like she didn't even know what she was meant to be talking about. “...I said to him, I said, they can't afford that on what she earns; I ask you, twenty bits a day, and him with a wooden leg? Anyway, it was a white wedding, much to everypony's surprise; of course, they bought everything on the hire purchase – I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind...” All the while, Mr Bencher tried again and again to interrupt and ask her to confirm her identity to the court. But Rattling Gossip was really living up to her name, and he couldn't get a word in edgeways. “...and her youngest as thin as a street lamp – and the goldfish, they've got the Guppy Pox, they keep spitting water over the kids; well, they do, don't they? I mean you can't, can you? I mean, they're not even married or anything – they're not even divorced! And he's in league with the Changeling Kingdom, if you ask me; says he's a chartered accountant, but I don't like the sound of his liver – all that squeaking and banging...” Mr Bencher finally gave up at this point, and gestured discretely towards two aides. Taking the hint, they took Rattling Gossip out of the witness box and ushered her into the hall as she ranted on about whatever random topics she had yet to cover. “Mr Bencher,” said Tall Order, looking daggers at the dark blue unicorn, “I rather fail to see the relevance of your witness' statement.” “Well, Your Honour, I can only apologise to the fillies and gentlecolts of the jury,” Mr Bencher replied. “Had I known that she would resort to endless circumlocution, I wouldn't have called her as a witness. However, my next witness should be more than able to settle this case. Call Princess Platinum.” “Princess who?!” spluttered Tall Order. “Mr Bencher, do you think there's any real relevance in questioning the deceased?!” “I beg your pardon?” “Well, I mean, Princess Platinum doesn't exactly exist anymore.” “Maybe not in body, Your Honour, but in spirit.” The exchange was swiftly interrupted by a fanfare of trumpets as a ghostly mare stepped into the witness box. “Good afternoon, my little ponies,” she announced, “and may I say how touched I am that your defending counsel should invite me to testify for this case.” “The pleasure is mine, Your Highness.” Mr Bencher bowed reverently before continuing; “Now, just a few formalities – you are Princess Platinum of the Unicorn Tribe?” “Oh, you're just trying to string this case out!” interrupted Tall Order, exasperated. “Why should a ghost from the dawn of Equestria have anything to do with a common builder?!” “There are no easy answers in this case, Your Honour,” stated Mr Bencher gravely. “I think you haven't got slightest idea what this case is about!” “Your Honour, the strange, incomprehensible, almost diabolical threads of this tangled web of intrigue,” retorted Mr Bencher dramatically, “will shortly reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous...” “Mr Bencher, your client has already confessed to the parking offence.” “Parking offence my hoof!” dismissed Mr Bencher. “We must leave no stone unturned! If we could continue, Your Honour?” “It's only thirty bits,” muttered Tall Order; but he said it to himself. Without bothering to respond, Mr Bencher turned back to the ghost; “Now, you were saying...?” “In answer to your question, fair peasant, yes I am.” Mr Bencher nodded, looking pleased with himself. “Would it be fair to say, then, that you were not only one of the founders of the kingdom of Equestria, but also one of the early ancestors of Princesses Celestia and Luna?” “I can confirm that to be true.” “And you also founded what is now the City of Canterlot?” “Certainly.” “Princess Platinum,” continued Mr Bencher, “taking into account that the founding of Equestria was more than twelve thousand years ago, I put it to you that you are dead.” “In body, yes; but not in spirit,” affirmed Princess Platinum. “It takes more than that to get rid of a ghost, after all.” “So can I take your oath that you saw and heard who was responsible for the parking offence?” “Since I was in Manehattan at the time, I can say with conscience that I know who did it.” “And would you be prepared to point out who the real offender is?” “Yes.” Princess Platinum pointed towards a pale, smartly dressed Earth stallion. “It was the hooligan known to you as Svengallop!” Everypony else stared at the offending pony in shock, as if they hadn't even realised he was there. “Svengallop?! Consternation! Uproar!!” they all exclaimed in perfect unison. “Yes,” continued Princess Platinum, glaring at Svengallop through narrow eyes. “When Jack Hammer brought the supply cart to the Rising Star Tower Block construction site, he left it in the parking lot as directed; and this fiend moved it out into the middle of the street so as to make him look irresponsible.” “Shame! Shame!” echoed the jurors angrily. Feeling his point had been proven, Mr Bencher turned to Tall Order and said, “Your Honour, in view of this spirit's impeccable character, I would like to ask you to reconsider the case against my client. You can't argue with a ghost, after all.” “Well, no, I suppose not,” conceded Tall Order. But before he could finish, one of the police officers spoke up. “Could I ask for an adjournment, please, Your Honour?” “Adjournment?! When we're just this side of closing this case? Certainly not!” The officer frowned with embarrassment – and all became clear as he let loose a long, almost comical fart. Princess Platinum tutted and shook her head disapprovingly, and the other officers recoiled in disgust. Even Tall Order seemed a little disturbed. “Why didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?” he asked. “I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, Your Honour,” said the officer meekly. Tall Order sighed again, this time in a weary manner. “Now then, Svengallop,” he inquired, trying to push the unpleasant turn of events out of his head, “have you anything to say about your misdemeanour – or why you thought it a good idea to pose as a legitimate juror, for that matter?” Svengallop paused for a moment before scowling in defeat. “Alright, it's a fair cop,” he replied grudgingly, “but society's to blame.” “You're right about that first point. As for you, Jack Hammer, I do believe the clerk can spell out your verdict...” Tall Order gestured to the clerk, who stomped one hoof twice. “Two words?” The clerk nodded, and stomped once again as Svengallop was led out of the jury box. “First word...” said Tall Order attentively as the clerk began to mime. “Rope? String?” The clerk shook his head, repeating the action of tying up the invisible thread and pointing to it. “Point?” suggested Mr Bencher. “Belt?” offered a juror. “Tie?” put in Tall Order. He was rewarded by an emphatic nod from the clerk, who pointed again. Princess Platinum tapped a hoof against her chin. “Cravat? Silk square?” “Knot!” This came from the jury forepony, and was greeted with another, much more enthusiastic nod as the clerk raised his hoof. A round of applause followed, after which the clerk stomped twice with one hoof, and once with the other. Tall Order nodded patiently. “Two syllables...first syllable...” He paused as the clerk began making a swimming motion. “...bird?” “Swimmer?” called the forepony. “Breast stroke?” “That's a bit risqué, Your Honour!” exclaimed Mr Bencher. “I meant the swimming technique!” “Wait a minute, swim, swim, swim...FISH!” Mr Bencher looked on as the clerk nodded and pointed to his throat. “Fish...fish wheeze? Fish breathe?” “Fish, breathe, throat...gill!” Tall Order's suggestion was met with another nod, another raised hoof and more excited stomping. “Not gill...” This time, the clerk raised his arms in the shape of the letter... “T!!!” cheered everypony, and applauded one last time before Tall Order addressed Jack Hammer again. “Not guilty!” he declared. “You have been found not guilty of the charges brought against you, and you may leave this court a free stallion.” With nary more than a grateful nod, Jack stepped out of the dock to the strains of “For He's A Jolly Good Fellow”. He couldn't help smiling in dismay as he made his way out of the building – the way things had been going down, he could have sworn he had been facing a court of jesters! That was a terrible joke, I know, but somepony had to make it. And now for something completely different...wait, hadn't I done that before?