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// Cadance Tried to Hangout With Me 
// Story: Well, That Stinks. 
// by Nugget27 
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I crawled out from under my bed, taking a second to stretch and yawn. Oh… That was a good sleep, I had gotten a bed that was lower to the ground so I could sleep under something more cramped. Today, my maid decided to send her daughter off to the daycare, while I got to do whatever I wanted in the castle. That then led to a question… What should I do? Celestia and Luna were busy, the Elements, or the six scary mares, were here helping with wedding preparations, and Cadance and Shining Armor were in the room across from mine, and it sounds like they were mad at each other. Like these rooms are apparently soundproof, yet you could still hear them in the halls, and in my own room as well.

It sounded like it, but it smelled of lust and reeked of what a mating ritual smelled like. Often the shouts involved. “Buck me harder!” From Cadance, or Shining Armor grunting. So chances were… they were not waking up very early, or won’t be super happy early in the morning. Maybe this is how ponies act around each other when they are about to get married… Getting married is stupid. Just go up to a drone, or mare, that you like, tell them what you want, and boom, mate for life. Changelings choose one mate for life, more often than not, and are very loyal to each other, so we don’t need laws to bind us together. 

Which is why I haven’t exactly made any moves with Luna. Ponies keep asking if I slept with her, and I do, since she makes for a good pillow, and is the only reason why I will ever sleep on a bed instead of under a bed. I know what ponies say that means, but also, I don’t. Sure, Harmonic Breeze explained it to me last week, but I kinda forgot because I ended up taking care of her foal for the remainder of that week. Any and all thoughts I had were around taking care of Soft while keeping her safe. I even suplexed a guard who got too close to her in a way I didn’t like, while feeling emotions you shouldn’t feel while staring at a foal. As in he asked her where her mother was, while smelling like he wanted to mate… while staring at a filly.

So that guard is still out of commission, since I also broke one of his legs; don’t touch my filly. She’s mine! 

You bucking creep.

Another guard approached her and gave Soft a piece of candy, so he got off scot-free; he was just being nice.

And… The thing I poured almost all of my time into isn’t here right now. Dangit. Well, I might as well find something to do.

Now understanding that in order to find a way to kill twenty four hours involved stepping out of my room, I walked on out of my room in hopes of… something. Maybe I can go kidnap Celestia and cuddle with her for the day.






As soon as I stepped out the door, my nose bumped into something big and pink. What was that big, pink thing? Cadence of course! Shining Armor was chuckling behind a hoof, while Cadance was blushing. I, on the other hoof, blinked a couple of times, before wondering how territorial stallions were of their mates… I think I’m going to go jump out the window and run for my life. Maybe Manehattan has some cheap living… I could go live in a sewer to remain hidden. It is kinda hard for a changeling to hide themselves, after all. It’s not like we can just… turn into a pony. I withdrew my nose. “Cadance, I didn't mean to nuzzle your muzzle when your fiance is standing right there. Please don’t murder me.”

“I-I-” Cadance stopped and took a deep breath, and an even deeper exhale. “That is completely fine, Stinky. I didn’t know you were on the other side of the door. Didn’t you hear our heartbeats, like you claim that changelings can do?”

“I wasn’t paying attention; the foal I usually foalsit’s at daycare, and I have nothing to do. It makes me kinda sad, since Soft Melody ate up most, if not all of my time over the last week, and it was a pleasure to do so.”

“I can’t believe you suplexed a guard for her sake,” Shining Armor said with a huge grin, before sighing. “And it’s a shame that I now know what that guard’s into. Once he’s out of commission, he’ll be out of a job, and thrown in a dungeon.” He walked up beside me, wrapping one of his legs around my neck. “How about the three of us get to know more about each other? I haven’t had much of a chance to interact with you, because Luna’s either hogging you, or Cadance is trying to treat you like you’re her own foal!” He noogied me, before shaking his hoof off, because mama said I had a hard head, and she was right.

“Shiny,” Cadance spoke up. “You don’t noogie anypony except Twilight when she was a little filly.”

“Well, he reminds me of a little filly, or colt in this instance, socially unaware, kind of dull, all that fun stuff! The only difference is he can suplex a guard and break their legs, while also being in his late teens!”

Rude.

“But Twilight can rip off a guard’s head in a split second,” I said, tilting my head. “Even I can tell how advanced she is with magic, just ignoring the fact that she’s barely even twenty one years old, she is advanced to the point where she radiates magic, magic you can feel anywhere if you are in the same room as her. “She’s really scary, but she smiles and all that fun stuff, while being really cute somehow. And she’s really, really nice after you get past the fact that she ruined my life in Ponyville.” My wings buzzed. “I think Luna’s watching me right now, complaining about how I’m starting to find your sister attractive, Shining Armor.”






“How the buck does he know that I’m watching him?!” Luna screamed while throwing the crystal ball at the wall, which went straight through, flying down towards Ponyville. A certain, wall-eyed pegasus caught it with her face, and she went crashing into the Town Hall, the second time that month… The Town Hall burnt to the ground shortly afterwards, but Derpy was perfectly fine. In fact, she got out entirely unscathed despite the fact that the secretary in the Town Hall had second degree burns.






So after we brushed over my newfound attraction for a purple unicorn(Luna was still prettier), it was decided that I follow Cadance around, because Shining Armor got distracted by a guard who decided to talk to his captain about fantasy hoofball. Me, not knowing what the buck a hoofball was, kept to Cadance as she went about checking on how the preparations for her wedding were going. “So you and Shining Armor are getting married a second time?” I asked, tilting my head. “Or did my Queen ruin that day so much it threw a wrench in that?”

“...Well, technically, and legally, me and Shiny are already married, but we couldn’t hold a proper wedding or wedding reception because of how everything in Canterlot was destroyed. So we’re redoing the ceremony, from the dress, which got destroyed when that monster revealed herself, to the appetizers, and the cake. Do you ever get married?”

“No, changelings just spend a lot of time around one another, usually of the opposite gender. After a while, if they like each other enough, the male or female asks if their chosen partner would like to mate. Then they mate, and often mate for life. Despite our similarities to insects, the Queen is only a ruler… Not everyling’s mother. I just got really… Lucky is the word right? Lucky to be the Queen’s actual offspring. As much as I joke about her being a terrible mother, she often does try to treat me somewhat better than everyling else. As in… she just insults me and tortures me once a year instead of once a week.”

“Wait, your Queen isn’t a terrible pony?” Cadance asked.

“Oh no, she’s pretty bad, I just… exaggerated how bad she is,” we remained silent after that, because I was telling the truth, I just didn’t say how much I exaggerated how bad she is. At some point, Cadance threw me up on her back, because she thought my hooves hurt or something. They didn’t hurt at all, because they’re bucking hooves, Princess of Food; hooves can’t get hurt from standing or walking on them… unless you get glass stuck in them somehow, like an idiot. 






After a while of walking, I took a whiff of the air, before shivering. We were approaching the Den of the Pink One, as in the really energetic Pink One, that’s really friendly, but exerts so much happiness that it gives me a stomach ache. Luckily, I already had my fill of stomach pain by just being near Cadance when she was in proximity of Shining Armor. I’m still kinda feeling it, by the way.

Basically, I like her, but I can’t be around her too much.

For some reason Pinkie and Cadance hopped across the room on their hindlegs while pumping their forelegs up and down. I tilted my head, wondering why doing something so stupid looking could be so fun to them. For starters, it was dumb, secondly, it looked like it hurt a bit. Third and foremost, it does hurt, Pinkie made me join them since I was apparently invited to the wedding. I fell on my face at least four different times while trying to ‘dance’.

“Ow,” make that five times. “I think my mother would’ve made herself a bag of popcorn and laughed at my misery,” I rolled back off of my face, and onto my hooves again. “Do I have to learn how to dance? The last changeling that danced, got executed for having fun, which is illegal in the Hive.” I turned into Pinkie, but with a unicorn horn. “I know this one cool dance at least,” I flipped onto the horn and started spinning.

“Ooh! I didn’t know we were promoting that other thing Hasbro owns, but really doesn’t own! Let me do it too!” Pinkie jumped onto her nose and started spinning on it. “For legal reasons, this story happens to have nothing to do with Hasbro, or anything like that. It’s just written by some idiot at four in the morning! For more information please see the terms and condi-“

She then started saying a long, winded thing of legal terms that were in no way connected to each other. Cadance and I slowly looked at the Pink Pony that was just giving a million mile stare into an imaginary void while saying a bunch of stuff that made no sense. Cadance and I made eye contact before we slowly backed out towards a window and jumped out of it.






I lost Cadance. I don’t know how, but I did. After we had jumped out of the window, Cadance flew around and banked into another open window, while I just started hovering in place. After I got distracted by something green in the distance, I forgot where I was, and what tower of the eight towers I came out of. So I flew around, looking left and right, and then there was another green flash in the distance… That can’t be too bad. That only means there’s a changeling nearby and only one changeling knows how to teleport, who happens to be my mother. After a while of getting bored, I flew past a tower and saw Celestia with her back turned to a window.

So I flew up to the window, opened it, and flew right in. what I saw was… interesting. Celestia wasn’t sitting still, no, she was staring at a stove that was on fire. Next to that was a cook book with ‘how to make ice cream cake’ being very visible on the top of the page. There was a tub of ice cream on the stove, which was also burning. The cake batter that the Princess had seemingly prepared herself was also on fire, and it was sitting in an open fridge. I just sat and stared while Luna was trying to figure out how to work a fire extinguisher. 

“How the buck did you set the milk on fire?” I asked, before coughing up a lot of spit onto the stove, putting it out. Changeling saliva, it saves lives. And also can be used to trap ponies if it hardens.

“...Stinky, how long have you been standing there?” Princess Celestia asked.

“Ten seconds…” I pointed at a glass cup, which was also on fire, with water, that was also on fire. “How did you set that on fire, too?”

“With all of the castle, and most of our duties being postponed until the wedding and wedding reception are completed, Luna and I have decided to have some sisterly bonding. I thought the two of us, with both of us being nearly three thousand years old, would know how to use an oven and a stove… Please don’t ask me how the water caught fire, even I don’t know how we did that.”I walked over to what looked like a microwave and pulled out… something wrapped in tin foil, before slowly turning to Celestia.

“Okay, I barely knew how to cook when I started working at the cafe, your highnesses, and I know metal and microwaves don’t mix.”

“But it’s foil, tin foil-”

“As a changeling that has had to monitor mining changelings, I can safely say foil is metal.” I unwrapped whatever the heck was in the microwave, to find… a burnt piece of microwaveable cake. “You ponies are dumb. If there was a fire, I’m pretty sure any changeling would immediately rush to put it out… Probably. I think some of us are pretty stupid, too.” I looked at the cookbook, reading the ingredients, before nodding. 

“Well, I am fireproof, so I wouldn’t have minded the castle burning down. I could use a vacation, afterall,” Celestia hummed while sipping on some tea that was probably burnt. 

“And I’m slightly fireproof due to me being an alicorn!” Luna said with a smile. That came to an abrupt stop when I grabbed a baking pan. “Stinky, what are you-”

I walked into a walk-in, before turning into a moose because of how cold it was, and emerged with various ingredients. “I’m going to show you two how to make a proper ice cream cake.” What? Following instructions isn’t that hard.






So even I bucked up. You see, Celestia and Luna tied me up, and on the kitchen counter, was a three layered ice cream cake. Luna was sitting there, pouting, while Celestia had a similar expression. “Explain your witchcraft, changeling. How do you, a creature that hails from a race that doesn’t even eat food, know how to use an oven better than we can?” Luna shouted. I tilted my head, because I also can’t respond; they put tape over my mouth too. I slid my tongue out from the side of my mouth, before it slithered over the tape, and I ate it.

“I’m not a gypsy, your highness. Whatever that is. I think Pinkie may be one, though.” I then ate the rope that was binding me. “Also we changelings know how to use ovens because the Queen demands that we know how to cook a cake whenever she declares it’s her birthday… That’s a lie, cooking cake might bring happiness, which is illegal. No, the cafe I worked at taught me how to use an oven, and following instructions isn’t too hard. You also didn’t even turn the oven on, your highness, you turned the stove on and started cooking cake on it, without any oil to boot.” Stupid, stupid ponies. “Can I go now? You two have a cake to go through, and I have to find a certain, pink alicorn-”

The door flew off its hinges, flying past the three of us, and out the window I had opened, taking some of the wall with it. Shining Armor ran in. “There you are! Cadance was so worried about you! Come on, she wants you to spend the rest of the day with her!” Before I could respond, I was thrown onto the Captain’s back, before he started galloping through the castle. I blinked a couple times, before turning my attention back onto the Royal Sisters we had just left behind, the cake was gone, Luna was yelling with the Royal Voice, and Celestia was getting ready to put the last piece of cake into her mouth.

“Hey Shining Armor, your aunts suck at cooking.”

The soon-to-be prince snorted.“I know. Luna burnt instant noodles the other day by cooking them for six hours by accident, in the microwave.” I blinked a couple of times.

“...What?” Even the Queen isn’t that bad at cooking. At least she can cook a changeling properly!