Cadance held her head aloft, trying to keep her composure as Shining Armor, handsome and dashing as ever, ascended the steps beside her.
The pair reached the top of the stairs and turned to face their adoring subjects, the Crystal Ponies, now freed once and for all from the tyranny of King Sombra.
As they took up their positions before the twin thrones, Clear Caller, their Royal Attendant, stepped forward. “Citizens of the Crystal Empire!” he bellowed, his voice resonating throughout the throne room at the throngs of adoring subjects. “I present to you all the successors to the true legacy of our glorious empire: the Crystal Princess and Prince, Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor! Long may they reign!”
At that cue, Cadance and Shining Armor bowed their heads as the official crowns of their titles were placed upon them. A jubilant cry went up from the crowd as the royal pair raised their heads and took up their seats on the thrones.
“Hail! Hail! Long live the Crystal Empire!” the crowd chanted once, twice, and then thrice (with a few ponies starting a fourth before stopping awkwardly).
It was a joyous day for the newly-crowned Princess and Prince, their subjects, and their new kingdom.
And then someone reminded them what their new "kingdom" was actually called…
“I’m sorry, what did you call me?” Cadance asked her attendant, a middle-aged mare in a stern burgundy dress named Evening Primrose.
“Oh, I beg your pardon, Princess,” Primrose said, bowing slightly as she continued filing Cadance’s hooves. “I suppose I was just a bit too eager for my lady to assume her more proper title and mistakenly called my lady ‘Empress’ by mistake.”
Cadance blinked. “Well… it’s fine, I suppose,” she said. “But, well… when you say ‘proper’ title, what do you mean?”
“Ah,” Primrose said, pausing for a moment. She looked up at Cadance with a kind, somewhat strained look, the kind of look that Cadance instantly understood to mean, ‘I am about to say something that should be obvious, but you’re royalty and obviously important and my boss, so I will try hard to not make you feel stupid as I explain this thing you should already know about.’
“Well, this is the Crystal Empire, my lady,” she said. “And, well, an empire is usually ruled by an Emperor or Empress. Especially once they’ve cemented their ruling family with a marriage. Which, it so happens, my lady already has!”
Cadence blinked. “Oh,” she replied.
“Er… does it bother you, my lady?”
“Well, Ms. Primrose, you don’t need to refer to me in the third person.” Cadance smiled at her kindly. “And… I haven’t really thought about it. I’d like to discuss it with my husband first, but I’d hate to insult the traditions of the Crystal Empire.”
“Oh, of course, my la— er, Princess,” Primrose said, nodding emphatically. “Please forgive my presumptuousness.”
“Of course, of course,” Cadance said, waving her free hoof dismissively.
“So, they’ve been calling you—”
“‘Emperor,’ yeah,” Shining Armor replied, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t say anything about it because I wanted to be polite but it’s… well, it’s really—”
“Weird?”
“It’s so weird!” he exclaimed, nodding emphatically. The two of them were in their private bed chamber, finally alone and away from their newly-acquired slew of hoofmaidens, servants, and attendants (though determining exactly who fit into which group was more difficult than they expected).
“Cadance, there hasn’t even been a ‘King’ or ‘Queen’ in Equestria in ages! Except for, well, King Sombra. And that’s…”
“I know, I know, it’s a bad precedent to follow,” Cadance said. Her expression turned sour. “All the other kings and queens of the old era lost their titles when they became part of Equestria, and the old rules of Equestria were that you couldn’t become a ‘king’ or ‘queen’ until you married. And that’s why Princess Celestia has always been, well, Princess Celestia.”
Shining Armor nodded gravely. Then, leaning in close, he asked, “So, what, has she been single for 1000 years?”
“Oh, funny you should ask!” Cadance said, perking up. “See, she actually told me—”
There was a sudden knock at the door. They shared a mutual sigh.
“Come in!” Cadance called.
“Ah, Your Majesties,” Primrose said, stepping in with a humble bow. “I hate to intrude, but the Collectors have returned with grave news.”
“The… ‘Collectors?’” Cadance asked.
“Yes, Empress,” Primrose replied. She froze. “Er, ‘Princess.’”
“It’s fine, it’s fine, but… actually, never mind. Shining, let’s just go meet them in the throne room and see what they have to say.”
What they had to say turned out to be: “The Northern Territories are in open rebellion!”
Cadance and Shining Armor turned to face each other gravely. They’d been in charge of their new kingdom empire less than a week, and already there was a revolt?
“I see,” Cadance said. “Please, tell us everything.”
The group of Imperial Guards stood before them clothed in the gleaming traditional armor and plumed helmets of the Crystal Empire, each holding a spear, with a large wooden chest conspicuously placed among them. The captain of the guards stepped forward.
“Emperor, Empress, now that the Crystal Empire has resumed its place in the world after a thousand years of absence, we thought to resume our duties as we did before the coming of King Sombra,” he said. “And thus we dispatched our Collectors to our territories to collect our tribute.”
This was met with silence at first, then Shining Armor asked, “Tribute to what?”
“Why, to the Empire!” the Captain cheerfully replied, placing a hoof upon his chest. “As befitting a proud nation, the Crystal Empire would collect an annual tribute of wealth from conquered nations. And while we’re not quite sure about the rate of inflation, we thought to at least begin collecting on the debt we’ve been owed after the last 1000 years.”
The royal pair of them broke out into a royally cold sweat. “And… how did it go?” Shining Armor asked.
“Why, our tributaries outright refused, which is clearly a sign of open rebellion! An act of defiance and war!”
Cadance swallowed. “And… did you attack them?” she asked, her voice becoming more strained by the moment. “Or hurt them?”
“Oh, no, we did not hurt anypony, Empress,” the captain replied.
Cadance and Shining Armor breathed a sigh of relief.
“We just took their leaders prisoner so they could answer for their disloyalty.”
The pair blanched. “You what?!” they asked in unison.
“Ah, of course, you would want to address the insolent curs in person!”
At a gesture, the guards brought the chest before them and then opened. The guards then unceremoniously dumped a pair of ponies tied in ropes and gagged upon the royal floor where they immediately began to squirm and emit noises of muffled indignity.
“Kneel before the Emperor and Empress, you knaves!” the captain bellowed.
“Captain, stop! They’re bound and gagged!” Cadance protested as she bolted from her throne.
“Ah, of course, how wise you are, my Empress!” the captain said. “Unbind the prisoners… and then have them kneel before Emperor and Empress!”
The guards undid the bindings of the two ponies and let them stand… before immediately forcing their heads to the ground and commanding them to bow.
“Enough, enough, let them rise!” Cadance cried.
“As you command, Empress!” the captain said, motioning for the other guards to obey.
“Oh my goodness… I’m so sorry about all this!” she said, flying down to greet the two of them as they brushed themselves off. “Please… who are you two?”
“Ah, well,” said the balding stallion in a suit and tie, “I am Pierre Trotdeau, the Prime Minister of Vanhoover, and these shiny gentlemen came to my house, you see? And then they asked me to give them several thousand gold… ‘darics,’ I think it was?”
He looked to the captain, who nodded sternly.
“I told them I didn’t know even one pony named Darrick, let alone any gold ones, and they told me I owed them some tribute and so on, but I didn’t know what they were talking about, so…”
“So we decided to take him as tribute instead!” shouted one guard, eliciting a chorus of huzzahs from the others.
“Turns out that the Northern Territories have split into a few different provinces in the last thousand years,” the captain said. “One of which is this place called ‘Vanhoover,’ and the other one is a land called ‘Whinnyapolis.’”
Cadance smacked her forehead with her hoof. “Oh no…”
“Oh yes, they thought to conceal themselves with a ridiculous name!” the captain guffawed. “As if we would be so easily fooled! And so we took their Queen as hostage!”
“Wait, Queen?” Shining Armor asked. “But Whinnyapolis doesn’t have a queen!”
“My apologies, Emperor, but you are mistaken! Behold, the Queen of Whinnyapolis!”
Cadance and Shining Armor turned to see a somewhat dazed-looking young mare with a plastic crown, a bouquet, and a sash.
“Oh, gee gosh, it was sure dark in there!” the mare said, looking around frantically. “One minute I was acceptin’ my prize at the fair and gettin’ my picture taken, and then these fellas here grabbed me an’ started askin’ me about some fella named Darrick and—”
“And you don’t know anypony named Darrick,” Cadance and Shining Armor said in unison as they narrowed their eyes.
“We took their newly-crowned queen as tribute, my liege!” the captain said, swelling with pride. “Surely her kingdom will pay their tribute in exchange for her return! Or, if not, she may well make a fine concubine!”
“A fine what?!” Cadance sputtered.
“What’s a concubine?” the bewildered beauty queen asked.
Shining Armor blushed. “Look, not that I’m not grateful—”
Cadance shot him a glare.
“—but I am very happily married and quite faithful to my wife!”
“Well, sire, it’s not like concubines count.”
“What’s a concubine?” the young mare asked again.
“We could easily obtain some male ones for the Empress if she would like.”
“What the… no!”
“What’s a concubine?”
“ENOUGH!!” Cadance bellowed, her Royal Canterlot voice sending a shockwave over the whole of the throne room. “Prime Minister, I cannot begin to apologize for this. And you as well, miss…?”
“Oh! Well, I guess now I’m Miss Whinnyapolis, the Queen of the Fall Fair!” the mare exclaimed and began to smile and wave as if expecting a crowd.
“...of course you are. Anyway, Captain, return both of these ponies to their homes immediately.”
“Ah, and let that be a warning to them! Of course, they will gladly produce their tribute in no time now that they know we are serious! Guards, back in the trunk with them!”
“NO! No trunk! No tributes!”
“And no concubines!” Shining Armor added.
“Jeez, what the hay is a concubine?!” Miss Whinnyapolis asked.
Prime Minister Trotdeau leaned over and whispered into her ear.
“Oh,” she said, her eyes going wide. Then she looked over at Shining Armor, made a face, and stuck out her tongue. “Oh, yeah no, he’s kinda old fer me. That’s kinda gross, doncha know.”
“Don’t talk about my Shiny that way!” Cadance snapped. “Guards, never mind, put her back in the box!”
“Cadance…”
“Ugh, fine, just… just take them both back comfortably, and then we are all going to have a very long chat about how the geopolitical climate has changed in the last millennium!”
Later that night, Cadance plopped back heavily into her bed next to Shining Armor, who was already staring blankly up at the ceiling.
“So,” he began, “today was… something.”
“Yes,” she replied. “Yes, it was.”
There was a long pause between them before Cadance groaned and rubbed her eyes.
“Oh for the love of harmony… colonies. Our kingdom—”
“‘Empire.’”
“—our empire had colonies. Honest-to-Celestia colonies.”
“And the ‘Northern Territories’ now make up the northwest parts of Equestria,” Shining Armor added. “No wonder they weren’t keen on paying ‘tribute.’”
“Ugh, it’s just… after all the wonderful things we learned about our empire - you know, the fun things like jousting, carnivals, flugelhorns - I wouldn’t have thought they had conquered territories and demanded tribute from them!”
“Well, by all accounts, it was pretty minor tribute. Mostly just a show of loyalty.”
“Are you being an apologetic for colonization?!”
“No, of course not! I’m just saying, it could have been a lot worse.”
“Shiny… concubines.”
“Right, right, that’s pretty bad. Well, at least they seemed to accept that we won’t be doing that stuff anymore. They took it pretty well, to be honest.”
Cadance sighed. “Well, I’m glad that’s over with,” she said. “Still… oof. Concubines.”
“Mm,” Shining Armor murmured. “So… does that mean we’re taking that one off our roleplay list or…?”
“Pfft, no! That doesn’t count!” Cadance laughed, turning her head to face him. “Eh, but give it a week before we start it again, ‘my adorable pet,’” she purred.
“You got it, ‘mistress,’” he replied with a wink.
He leaned in for a kiss and their lips met passionately.
“Here’s hoping that the rest of our time here goes more smoothly, ‘My Empress,’” he added.
“Oh, stop!” she said, rolling her eyes as she snuggled up next to him. “Let’s just hope we’re through all the weird stuff here in the Empire for now.”
“I wouldn’t count on it,” Shining Armor chuckled. “Have you heard what they’re calling Spike now?”