Arachnophobia

by Dennis the Menace


You Got Your Ass Kicked By a Spider

"He attacked me!"

"Atticus, is this true?" Luna asked, frowning.

The tarantula adamantly waved its legs around, probably telling her his plan to murder me and rule the world. That blasted Atticus had gotten the jump on me! It was a cheap shot!

"How did you manage to do this to yourself?" Luna asked.

"I told you! He jumped me!"

"You lost to a tarantula the size of your hoof."

"I didn't lose!" I snapped.

Luna snickered, wrapping some bandages around my hoof. "How on earth did you manage to get cut up?"

"He bit me!" She wasn't buying it. "Okay, so I jumped out of a window. Or into one. And fell."

"How many stories?" She yanked out an arrow lodged in my knee.

"Too many," I groaned.

"You still got your ass kicked by a spider."

I sat up, aghast. "What did you say?"

"Thou has hath thy ass walloped by an arachnid, dear sister," Luna said, picking up Atticus and placing him on her head. "Come, Atticus."

I tried boring my eyes into the back of Luna's head. Atticus was waving his arms around, hissing. He was laughing at me.


After a very quick recovery session, I was back on my hooves, mulling over what to do. I couldn't kill Atticus myself. Somewhere in the middle of hiring an assassin and using those nuclear launch codes I kept under my mattress, I looked into a dusty corner of the hallway and paled.

More cobwebs.

I trotted as calmly as I could (hauling my flank faster than the speed of light) to Luna's bedroom. As I approached her room, I could feel vibrations in the floor, like pounding bass. I shoved over her doors and was blasted by music.

"EVERYDAY WE ARE SHUFFLING!"

My ears were assaulted by the ensuring blast of music, nearly throwing me off my hooves. Luna danced in the middle of her room, her left hooves and right hooves alternating as she slid around, doing some ridiculous prance.

"OH, HELLO, SISTER!"

"LUNA!"

"LOOK! I HAVE TAUGHT ATTICUS A NEW TRICK!"

And there he was, shuffling right along with Luna to the beat of the song, sliding and skittering next to her. How the heck does a tarantula even shuffle?!

"LUNA!" I screamed as I dragged myself against the wind, coming closer and closer to her speakers.

"WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!"

"LUNA!"

"OH, HERE'S THE CHORUS! PONY ROCKERS IN THE HOOOOOUSE TONIGHT!"

I yanked the cord from the bass, ending the Pony Rock Anthem and their unbearable shuffling. "Atticus has been making more webs."

"He has not! I specifically told him not to, and he's a very, very good pet!" She nuzzled the tarantula. "Aren't you, Atticus?" She glared at me. "You're just jealous!"

"Me?! Jealous? What?"

"You're jealous that your pet is not as cute."

"That thing is about as cute as your mother!"

"How dare you! We have the same mother!"

"Then I guess you got beat with the end of the ugly stick when you were a foal!"

"Says the fat flank with the hot pink mane!"

I narrowed my eyes, gasping. "Oh no, you didn't!"

"Yes, I did. What are you going to do, girlfriend?"

I reached over and grabbed Luna by her starry mane, dragging her along.

"Ow, ow. Ow!"


"See?" I huffed.

"Atticus?" Luna asked quietly.

The tarantula on her head gave a shrug.

"He says it was not him."

"How the hay can you talk to him?"

"Atticus, tell me the truth," Luna said, looking up at the tarantula perched on her head.

Atticus seemed to twiddle his legs sheepishly, his fangs moving back and forth. He suddenly leapt off. I screamed, scrambling up against the wall, watching him skitter down the hall. Luna trailed behind him, and I trailed behind her.

"Where is he going?" I whispered.

"Shh."

The tarantula pointed at a familiar door.

"That's the broom closet, Luna."

She scowled, rolling her eyes. "I can read, sister."

"There's no sign."

Luna gripped the doorknob with her magic. I gulped, shrinking down. What was behind that door? What if Atticus' mommy had gotten mad, and had come back to take him home? What if she was the size of the entire closet? The size of the castle?

It swung open. I peeked out from behind Luna's wing.

Nothing.

"Atticus, what is it?"

The tarantula crawled in, and there was a click. He had turned on the light, pinching the chain with his legs.

"Oh, 'Tia, look! That's who was making these webs!" Luna squealed. "Atticus has a girlfriend!" She jumped in, nudging the demon. "You player, you."

"G-G-G—"

Luna let out an even louder squeal, jumping up and down. "There's spider eggs in here! Oh, they've made babies! Baby tarantulas, 'Tia! Isn't it amazing?"