The next thing I remember, I was lying in a bed. A thick quilt covered my body.
"Ben, you can't train anymore. You could get hurt, and die!"
I opened my eyes sleepily. "Well, if it comes to that..." I moaned, sitting up with my arms out like a zombie.
"No!" Froot Loop shouted, pinning me down harshly with her hoof. "You've gotta stay in bed while I check your ribs. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure they're broken."
Now it was my turn to say no. "I've got to train and level up! And more importantly, I need to get back home!"
She sighed. "I understand that you want to kill all the ponies, except for the Applejacks and me-"
I heard a loud gasp. I turned my head sharply and tried to support myself enough to see out the open door. Lyra was eavesdropping on us!
"-rest," Froot Loop finished. "As a favor, I'll clean and shine your weapons, okay?"
I threw a pillow from my bed across the room to Lyra, who trotted off in fear.
Froot Loop looked at me strangely. "Did you just throw a pillow at Lyra?"
I nodded and smiled, surprised that she realized that. "Did I just level up? I thought I heard my 1-up noise." Off-topic, I added quickly, "Are there any mushrooms to eat or shells to kick?"
Froot Loop looked at me oddly. "No. I'm gonna go and get a drink for you. You want some lemonade? A sandwich?"
"I'll take a sandwich, I guess, " I replied.
She turned and began to walk out, but stopped when she saw Lyra lounging in a recliner and eating from a big bag of chips. I sat up painfully and watched, turning my neck to see the ponies in the foyer. "Okay, where did you get those?" Froot Loop asked.
Through chewed-up bits of chip, Lyra replied, "Bon-Bon packed them for me in my saddlebags."
"I'll take some chips!" I shouted.
Froot Loop didn't hear me, but Lyra sure did. "Sorry, random voice from down the hall, there's only enough for me."
"Lyra, can you take care of Ben for me?" Froot Loop asked. "He's been acting really...strange lately, and I think his ribs are broken. I don't know anything about human anatomy, but you definitely do."
Lyra got up from her chair. "Sure. Where is he?"
Froot Loop pointed in the direction of my room and Lyra stepped in. "Hey, Ben."
Before I could even react, Lyra lowered my hand and chuckled. "I'm not going to hurt you. Really. I just want to see how badly your ribs are broken."
I sighed, having given up a possible fight. “Alright.”
She felt them softly with her hoof. "Yup. Those are some broken ribs if I've ever felt any. My bad. But don't worry! I know what to do!" With a magic spell, my ribs were wrapped in a comfortable gauze.
I relaxed and lowered myself into my pillow.
"Better?" she asked. I nodded and fell into a relaxing sleep. Lyra snuggled up next to me. I could hear her breathing. It was pretty cute. Isn’t this a brony’s dream come true or something?
There's something on your chest. Get up. It's hurting you. It's heavy. Get up. Get up now.
"Hello?"
Get up. Get up. Get up. Ben, get up now.
"You awake, Ben?"
My eyes opened to find something green laying on top of me. I could see that it was breathing, and it looked like it was asleep. It was pretty heavy, but somehow, in my half-asleep brain, I figured that if I sat up, it would fly to the other side of the room and hit the wall. Maybe it would splatter, too, just for the heck of it. I began to sit up, but it didn't budge. Instead, it wrapped its arms around me in some sort of a hug. The mysterious green thing moved its face closer to me, and I saw that it was Lyra Heartstrings, the criminal pony scum whose tribe broke my ribs accidentally/on purpose (I‘m still not sure).
“Lyra?“ I asked, my throat dry. “Have I been asleep for..." It felt like forever.
She smiled and shifted her weight, making me groan in pain. "Yep. All day."
I cracked a smile and weakly reached my arm towards the nightstand, where my glasses were. It took me a bit more of a stretch. I wiggled myself a bit further, and, almost there...
“Crap!” I shouted as my glasses fell to the floor. I cringed, praying that they hadn't broken. Without hesitating, Lyra picked up the glasses and fixed them with her magic. She put them on my face, then regained her position as pony-queen, using me as her throne. I panicked and tried to push her off. She was heavy and made it harder to breathe.
"What are you doing?! Ben, have you lost it?" she exclaimed.
I groaned. "Lyra, you're hurting me!"
"Sorry." The green unicorn blushed. She began to relocate, hurting me more in the process. I finally sat up when she was back on the ground. "Ben, you obviously need breakfast," she informed me. "You're paler than Rarity. Come on, we've got Apple Jacks."
Lyra led me into the kitchen where Froot Loop was frantically searching for a box of Froot Loops (I lived to see this moment). Applejack bucked a bowl of Apple Jacks (another moment I was born for) across the floor, sending milk flying. Healerjack cleaned up the mess with her white lab coat and handed the bowl to Battlejack, who placed it directly on the table.
"Thank Celestia! I'm so hungry!" I sat down, grabbed a spoon, and began to dig in eagerly. Lyra put a hoof to my mouth, nearly toppling the bowl.
"Ben? You do realize we have to say grace, right?"
"Fine. Praise Celestia!" I exclaimed loudly, throwing my hands up in the air like some sort of brony preacher. "Whatever. Can I eat now? I've missed three meals and before that, I was living off apples and lemonade!"
Lyra tsked at me and gestured for the Applejacks and Froot Loop to sit at the table. They closed their eyes and put their hooves together, leaning their heads towards their bowls. I reluctantly did the same, and wondered if I could sneak a bite or a sip when nopony was looking.
"We thank Our Majesties Princess Celestia and Luna for this fine meal..." Applejack began.
"But enough of the boring crap, let's eat!" everypony finished.
Lyra lifted her toast to her mouth, but immediately dropped it back onto her plate. "Wait, guys, aren't we supposed to eat when everypony is seated?"
I nodded mid-slurp and swallowed my cereal chunks. Lyra narrowed her eyes at my bad manners. "Yeah. Donna's not home yet. How long has she been gone?"
"Eight weeks," Froot Loop replied.
I gulped again, hard cereal scratching my throat. "And my ribs were healing for...?"
Lyra smiled enthusiastically. "Eight weeks! Eight great weeks of human examining! Bon-Bon was wrong. I know humans inside and out. And around. And…upside-down-wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey."
I still couldn't believe that Donna had been gone for so long. I stirred the spoon around in my cereal. Apple Jacks and cinnamon flakes went spinning like a tornado, and my milk turned an odd brownish color. I spooned up three pieces and stuffed them in my mouth.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Lyra got up from her seat and beamed herself to the door. She used her magic to open it, and standing outside was a very battered-and-beaten Donna. She had scratches all over her face, and it looked like the biggest scratch, one on her left arm, was about to become a scar.
"Donna!" Lyra exclaimed, leaping up to give her a hug. "We all thought you were dead! Come in, come in!"
"Through all that trouble, I might as well be." Donna stepped inside and turned to me. "Ben, you're lookin' strong. What've you been doi-"
"Sleeping," I interrupted.
"Sleeping, huh? Sleeping is healthy. Wish I could sleep all day." She poked me in the chest. "I think you're getting thinner, too. Lose a few more pounds and you'd be a supermodel, Ben."
I blushed. "So...how was it? You do anything interesting?"
"Nope, not really."
"Take any pictures?"
Donna sneered. "What do I look like, a tourist? I was fighting for my life, not hanging out at Niagara Falls!" Donna led me from the table into the bedroom where I had been recovering. She shut the door behind her and slipped off her apron.
I blushed. “Donna, this doesn’t seem right.“
She chuckled. “I don’t like you that way, Ben. I’m just getting my apron off.“
I blushed again, my middle-school maturity showing through.
I noticed that she was wearing a light gray shirt with an interesting phrase written across the chest. A four-legged creature was underneath. Couldn't tell what it meant, though, but it looked like a jersey for some kind of cult sports team of brownies. "Anyway, since you haven't been practicing and leveling up like you should have, I felt that it was only right to train you using some new methods I learned."
I was amazed. "I thought the Equestrians were against us. Where did you learn new moves?"
Donna gestured out the window to a mountain peak. "Up at the top of that mountain is a guru. He knows everything, and he entrusted me with this information to tell you." She reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a manila envelope. "Be very careful with this, Ben. This has some top-secret information in it. You can't show this to anyone until the time is right."
I opened the envelope and pulled out its contents. "Generation 3 My Little Pony™ licensed sweatbands and wristbands? Striped leg warmers? A mix tape labeled '80s Training Montage'?” I narrowed my eyes at her. “What are you trying to tell me?”
She put her finger to my lips. "Shhhh. Nobody will know the details. Come on, get dressed in a tank top and shorts. Oh, and some good sneakers."
I looked down at my long-sleeve shirt, dusty jeans, and grubby hi-tops.
Donna looked at me again, remembering how I ended up here. "Oh, right. I guess you can borrow something of mine."
"Isn't there another option?"
"No. Wear my girly clothes or sweat to death."
I sighed and began to dig around in the bedroom drawers.