Hi, it’s me again. Did ya miss me?
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. You see, I’ve had a few bugbears gnawing at my mind of late, which have stopped me being able to stay in contact as much as I’d like.
You know, the usual. Like all the packing, the organising, the refuse disposal (wearing a hazmat suit to enter my old room was not mandatory, but highly advisable) before my big move to the upper echelons of education…
…Oh, and the small tincy-wincy matter of me being transported against my will to this hitherto undiscovered cartoonish (maybe because it was a cartoon) universe where everything was a bit too animated, the colours were a bit too bright and I had one too many legs.
Well actually two, but I digress. Right now, accurate mathematics is the last thing occupying my feverish brain (is it my brain, though? Or is it Twilight’s? Do I actually exist anymore, or am I just a random collection of pixels on a screen? If someone ‘switched’ me off, would I cease to be at all?).
Gibber. See what I mean about ‘feverish’? Wonder how the watching toddlers would react if their favourite Twilight Sparkle had a major nervous breakdown and began tearing the place apart onscreen? Could lead to some awkward conversations around the dinner table. Perhaps Hasbro could spin it as a Very Special Episode about mental health…
…But no, that wouldn’t work. Nothing featuring my tag-along sister (now a baby dragon, of course) would ever function that way, mainly because she’d never shut up long enough for such sensitive messages to be imparted. Speaking of which…
“Daisy, could you stop going on about what you think is going to happen next. I’m trying to hear what this invisible female narrator is telling us, as annoyingly patronising as her voice is.”
“B-but… I’ve seen the pilot at least fifty times! I know it word-for-word… it would be a lot faster if you just listened to me…”
“Oh, great. Now I just missed the part where she told us who used to lower the moon. ‘Looney’, or something? Sounds about right. And who’s ‘Silly Esther’? Her sister? ‘Looney’ and ‘Silly’... that about checks out. Exactly how I feel when I’m trying to take any of this nonsense seriously. Hopefully my alarm clock will go off anytime now, and all this weird wackiness can be put down to a celebratory boozy binge I participated in just before college…”
*Chuckles* “Oh Big Brother, you are hilarious. When you say ‘Looney’, you mean Princess Luna, and ‘Silly Esther’ is her sister Princess Celestia. You see, Luna used to be in charge of the moon, and Celestia rose the sun every morning. This carried on for years until Luna got jealous that she never saw daylight, and a big fight started between them…”
“Hmm. This sounds oddly familiar, I might even say relatable. Do go on, Dais.”
“... Well anyway, to cut a long story short, Luna became the evil ‘Nightmare Moon’ on account of her jealousy, and when Celestia defeated her she banished Nightmare Moon to… well, ‘the moon’ with the aid of The Elements Of Harmony. In this episode though, set a thousand years later, guess who’s back…?!”
“Shady’s back. Tell a friend.” I blurted that little gem out before I could stop myself, and if Spike/Daisy looked somewhat confused at my response, it was nothing compared to the bewildered mess I felt right now as the cloying background narration finally ceased. “Forget it. I think I’ve got the gist. So, now that we’ve assessed that you know far more about what’s going on, what do you think we should do next, O wise one? Kill this ‘Nightmare Moon’ character? Sorry, I think I left my old Pokemon cards at home…”
“No, no, no. You’re not taking this seriously at all.” Daisy stomped her cute little dragon foot on the floor and… was that a smoke ring I just saw emerge from her nose? “This is a children’s show. You don’t ‘kill’ anything; maybe turn them to stone or something, but nothing as bad as that! I think we should just follow the exact plot of the episode, then maybe something will happen. Anything else, and we might be stuck here forever.”
It concerned me, the lack of anxiety in her voice at that distinctly unappealing prospect. “Wait. What if it’s like that Bill Murray film where we have to do things in just the right order, or we have to repeat the day over and over again until we get it perfect? I think I’d officially go insane. I wonder if they manufacture straitjackets for horses…?”
“For the last time, you’re a ‘pony’, not a horse! And I’m not interested in any of your boring old movies, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Daisy had obviously tired of my aimless speculating, and decided to take matters into her own hands (oops, claws). “Now, if I remember correctly, and I do because I sort of breathe this episode, we’re supposed to find a book called ‘Predictions And Prophecies’…”
“Well, ‘predict’ that you’ll find it then! And no, I won’t let you stroke me! And I’m not taking you for a ride, either, no matter how much you beg. I’ve seen how much you’ve stared at this equine body since we’ve arrived, and the answer is and will always be ‘No’. Personal boundaries, remember? Now chop-chop, before the train leaves without me back home and I have to waste another year with you and mum getting on my nerves every day!”
“Typical. I have the only brother who’s turned into a mare in the entire world, and he won’t even let me touch his fur…” These are the exact words I heard Daisy mumble to herself as she made her way to the denser regions of the library, and needless to say I took instant umbrage to them.
“Hey, I heard that, and I’m only going to say this once… I AM NOT!! A MARE!! Now, buzz off.” My mind and my stance were clear, but my shrill girlish voice raised out of anger told another story…
And so apparently, as my sister caught a glimpse of something majorly incriminating as I trotted past frisking my new tail from side-to-side in frustration, did my anatomy.
“Could’ve fooled me.” She murmured again to herself with a smirk, kindly deciding at the time not to regale me with that little ‘detail’ for now.
After all, we’d both been through so much already.
*******************
“What’s taking her so long? I thought she knew this show like the back of her hand… I-I meant claw, I mean, oh who cares?!”
The last hour hadn’t exactly been what I’d describe as ‘fruitful’, whilst waiting for Daisy to return with this allegedly priceless tome.
I’d been trying to make this horn work… without success.
I’d been trying to find a zipper to this stupid costume… that was also a non-starter.
But the worst thing that happened was when this bunch of unknown ponies entered the building to invite ‘Twilight Sparkle’ to a party (with jelly, ice-cream and lots of hugs and kisses I bet). Awkward.
Obviously, I had to hide behind a tall shelf being that I didn’t know the first thing about these alien creatures and they would’ve sussed me out as an imposter within a few minutes. One of them was called ‘Twinkleshine’ and another was the aforementioned ‘Moon Dancer’ who my sister seemed so excited to see from the topmost window earlier.
They didn’t stay too long thankfully, and after futilely calling out her name a few times and Twinkleshine commenting ‘she’s probably knee-deep in books again’ (wait, ponies have knees? You learn something new every day) they took their leave, with Moon Dancer arguably the most upset among the group.
I know this, because I happened to catch a single teardrop fall from beneath her massive spectacles onto the ground. Gee, guess I feel really bad now. I seem to have a habit of upsetting people/ponies lately. Hope this doesn’t turn around to bite me later.
Anyway, it was just as I’d given up hope and I was about to brave the elements myself to look for my pesky absent sibling, that she showed up running to brandish something rectangular and hardback in her… claws (see, I’m getting used to the new terminology already. Whoopee-Doopy-Doo). “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!! And Spike didn’t even get hit by the door this time around.”
“...Whatever. It’s been simply manic around here since you've been gone, and I’d like to escape this world as soon as possible. You know, before I start chewing grass, pooping on the floor and signing up for the Grand National. Let’s see it.” Still unable to operate my horn-based magic, I rather clumsily snatched the volume away and turned the pages as much as I could with these useless lavender nubs. “Wait, where’s the part where it says how to get the f...rick outta here? Are you sure this is the right one?”
Once more, Daisy giggled at me in that annoyingly cryptic way she does, a bad habit of hers which’d only escalated since our unexpected and unrequested arrival here. “You won’t find that in there, Darren. This’ll just tell you about Nightmare Moon, the fact that she spent a thousand years in exile, her revenge against all ponykind when she returns very soon…”
“Hang on. So you’re telling me… you kept me twiddling my thumbs, sorry ‘hooves’ for the best part of sixty minutes, to fetch me a book full of stuff that you could’ve told me anyway?! I’m starting to wish Nightmare Moon wasn’t the only one sent away to live on a distant planet for ten centuries. I’ve been bored out of my mind, sick with worry, trying to get rid of ‘Twinkleshine’, ‘Moon Dancer’ and their gang…”
“Wait. Moon Dancer was here, and you didn’t even tell me?” Daisy’s already slit eyes narrowed fearsomely all of a sudden, and for a moment she resembled a predator rather than my ‘loving’ sister. “You know she’s like, one of my favourite secondary characters. Now I’m probably gonna have to wait until we get to season five ‘til I can even speak to her again…!”
“I knew nothing of the sort! And we’re getting out way before then, believe me!” I defiantly slammed the book shut, eliciting a slight bout of coughing from us both. “At least by bringing me this tome, we’re episode compliant so far for the most part. Now, what do you think we should do next?”
“Hmm. My best guess would be, maybe head to Ponyville? That’s where the main plot of this episode takes place, anyway. We'll get to meet the rest of the Main Six for the first time too; I can’t wait! I suppose we better send a letter to Princess Celestia first though, at least that’s what happens in the show…”
“Great, I'll let you take care of that then, now we’ve established you’re the expert in these matters.” ‘Send a letter’? I barely use emails these days, just what kind of backward society are we stranded in? “I’ll just sit in this comfortable chair here and have forty winks before we leave…”
“Erm, I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Okay, then thirty. Twenty, tops. What have you got against a chap on the cusp of manhood getting a bit of precious R & R time after all he’s experienced today?”
“T-That’s not what I meant, Big Brother. Didn’t you wonder why I took so long upstairs earlier?”
“Not really, no. I just assumed you had your head in the clouds again or something, seeing as how we’re on the ‘set’ of your favourite programme ever.” I lied back slightly with my eyes closed, trying to relax for a change.
“Yes. Well, this or iCarly. Anyway, it did start off that way. I was running around, feeling really excited, finding out all sorts of things you don’t see in canon. But then…”
I opened one eye suddenly. Uh oh. I know this tone of voice… “Then?”
“It’s so difficult, controlling this new body. I’m feeling things I never felt before, I’m much smaller than I ever remember, I have parts I don’t know what to do with…”
“Then?!”
“I sort of…had a little accident.”
“Define ‘accident’ please, Daisy.”
“Well, it was kinda when we coughed a second ago with that dusty old book I brought down. It sorta happened upstairs too, only this time a bit more came out.”
“What exactly ‘came out’, Daisy?!” A sinking feeling in the pit of my newly vegetarian stomach told me where this conversation was heading, but I needed it confirmed anyway.
“I-I don’t really want to say. But for the record, d’ya think the Wonderbolts could function as a fire service…?”
It was at this inconvenient juncture (before I could even ask what the ‘Wonderbolts’ were) that a loud explosion could be heard coming from upstairs, as countless panes of glass shattered and a distinctly greenish tinge could be seen burning up lots of flammable, previously readable material.
I looked up aghast at all the wanton destruction, before glancing down with undisguised irritation at my sheepishly blushing sister through the raining ash (pulling off her trademark ‘Oh Shucks’ pose so well, I could’ve told you it was her even in her new reptilian form).
“...Ponyville it is then. And because this is kind of an emergency, you can ride on my back. Don’t expect this to be a regular thing, though.”