//------------------------------// // 3hr 42m // Story: Doubt Itself // by Casketbase77 //------------------------------// Don't fight. Don't flight. Move like a good girl and stay smiling. Was that her inner monologue, or The Voices? Cozy didn't know. She couldn't know, not in her current state. But the advice was better than her other urge, the one wanting to curl up on the bus floor and cry. Upright like a marionette, marching like a wind-up toy, she joined the mass of students flowing off the bus. They all spilled out together in a herd, uniform and safe. Cozy willed that the crowd stay together, that it keep her in the middle of its guiding, agreeable mass. But pesky friend groups and individuals were splitting off. Cliques of schoolgirls gossiped and giggled, sure-footed and surging ahead. Dour delinquents straggled at the back. A huge group of seniors in varsity jackets broke off to saunter towards the gym. Cozy seethed at the injustice. How dare they all abandon her like that. If she were in charge, she'd keep the crowd clumped. One faceless, formless mob with her at the front and no one else. That was the ticket. That was correct. No chats or jokes that excluded her. No friends who had preferences beyond hers. Whoever objected, whoever dared to dissent any edicts from Cozy Glow, would be seized by those nearby and torn to silent, compliant pieces. Cozy gasped with horror at the daydream, so loud that it earned a few looks from those nearby. "Don't be bad," she whispered. "Find Sunset." All of Cozy's instincts said keep moving, keep smiling. All of Cozy's instincts were poisonous and untrustworthy. She broke from the crowd, exposed like a nerve. The mass moved on as her tiny fingers clung to a curbside Stop Sign. There she stayed anchored. There she waited for her ears to stop pounding. "Don't be bad," she repeated emptily. "Hey! Cozy Glow! Hey, hiya!" Cozy's hand went defensively to her skirt pocket, but of course there was no pill bottle there. Some frizzy, pink-headed smear jogged towards her from across the student lot. A real person who knew her, or a hallucination? Cozy didn't know which was safer right now. "Wow," the frizz panted when it finally reached her. "Half the legs, half the running energy. That's math for ya." "Golly, I guess it is." Cozy didn't know what she was agreeing with. Only that agreeing was usually safe. "First day at Canterlot High, right? What a co-winky-dink, it's my first day too!" Cozy dropped her hand from her woefully empty skirt pocket, baby teeth grinding as she stared down the possible hallucination. "Is it? I coulda sworn you played drums in Rainbow Dash's band. Real good drums too." "Oooh, I do? Cool." The pink girl's hands were fists. Why were they fists? Cozy seriously considered running inside. That was where the crowd had gone, after all. That was were good students went. But wait, wasn't she supposed to be waiting for someone? Cozy's thoughts were fraying. They strained back into relative place however, when the last bus in line pulled loudly away. Behind the bus was the student lot, and trudging across its blacktop was Sunset Shimmer. Cozy's lifeline and confidante. And she owned a car! Big and fast and full of fuel. Enough to take Cozy home to her dropped pill bottle. Ditching class isn't good girl behavior. Wrong, whispers. Ditching class was bad, but lying was worse. Cozy shook the distraction away, her backpack's keychains jingling. "Hey," pink frizz observed, "is a full body shake a type of greeting on this side of the mirror?" She copied Cozy's jittering, giggles distracting her from Cozy's renewed panic. "This side of the mirror portal..?" "Ugh," Sunset Shimmer grumbled as she finally limped to the curb. "All that pumping on the brake pedal made my foot fall asleep." "Ah, so that's what these are called." Frizz clicked her boots together. "Foot. Shares half the letters with hoof, so its easy to remember." "You're one of Sunset's pony people," Cozy despaired. "Pinkie Pie, temporary foot owner." She bowed clumsily. "And you gotta be Cozy Glow! I was just telling Sunset that I recognized your hair." "Hair that used to be styled differently," Sunset chimed in. Her tone wasn't an approving one. Cozy's heartbeat had doubled in speed, but she fought to keep her breathing unchanged. She was frantically lightheaded, and not just from lack of air. Her nightmares from the past week. The rainbow wave sealing her in stone. That one hadn't been just a dream, had it? The ponies gave up on her counterpart. And Sunset had given up on her. Even called in pink reinforcements, probably on the orders from that purple princess pen pal. And the absolute worst of it was... Cozy didn't blame her. Even now, while her ailing brain churned through dozens of clinically paranoid thoughts, the urges and the whispers were still there, under everything else. And for once, they were just as scared as she was. "Ooh, you know, I changed my hair once too." Pinkie tousled her mane of frizz. "Back when I was small like you, actually. Makeovers are fun, yeah? Change your head's outside, change your mood's inside too. Go Cozy!" "Go... me?" Cozy murmured. No one, not even extra-dimensional horses, gave encouragement to a lost cause. Cozy looked submissively towards Sunset. Maybe judgment wasn't finalized? "Ah... sorry for the snipe, kiddo. Been a long morning. Oh, and before you ask, Twilight still hasn't answered us." Judgment wasn't finalized! "She hasn't? Well... that makes me awfully sad." Liar. "S-so Miss Pie," Cozy stayed steady. "If Twilight didn't send you, how come you're here?" "Mmph." Pinkie wrinkled her nose. "That formal, fancy-prance title of "Miss Pie." Only the School of Friendship students call me that. Which, hmm.... I guess your other self was one of those, so it makes sense you'd talk the same, but even so its not fair to slap the same frosting on two different cupcakes just because they're cooked with the exact same ingredients." Cozy stared at her blankly. "I'm sorry, Cozy, what was the question again?" "She's just here to do some tourism," Sunset cut in. "And if that mangled cupcake metaphor is the best you've got Pinkie, then maybe tourism is the only thing you should try to accomplish today." Pinkie looked discouraged. Cozy seized upon it. "Hey now, Sunset! That's not how a good person talks to their friends. I personally think Pinkie is great at pretending to be human!" A smile. Cozy's compliment earned a smile from the pony here to judge her. Desperate to be liked (well, more desperate than usual), Cozy circled Pinkie Pie, pouring on the praise. "Your bipedal balance is great. And your skirt is nice and pressed. Ooh, is that makeup on your cheeks?" "It is!" Pinkie exclaimed, proud that someone noticed she'd figured out her counterpart's bedside beauty station. Sunset rolled her eyes, spurring Pinkie to think hard for a morally informative follow-up. "But uh... you know Cozy, all the blush and foundation in the universe doesn't do a lick of good if... if... Aha! If the smile they're boosting up isn't sincere. You know how important it is to be sincere, right Cozy Glow?" The habitually insincere girl faltered for a moment. Only a moment. "Well... of course I do. Sunset keeps it real, and I follow her example. All her good examples. I can even be critical. Look! Your lapel pocket's undone. That's something I'd ignore if I didn't care about you. But I do! Honest!" Cozy reached up and buttoned the flap on Pinkie's blouse. "See? I'm a helpful friend!" The school bell rang, making Cozy jump and Pinkie peer around. "Aw, Sunset, does that noise mean we're we late to class now?" "Amazing detective skills," Sunset sighed. "Yeah, we're all late for the first day. Can't say this meetup was quite as... productive as somepony promised it would be..." She took Pinkie by hand, as if the Equestrian might get lost on the straight sidewalk. "... but at least we gave it the old Canterlot try." Pinkie's lower lip stuck out in a silent pout. Sunset braced to drag her off, but first the Bearer of Empathy's eyes softened. "I uh... I know I should have asked first off, but... you steady today, Cozy?" Cozy Glow's stomach seized, both from undigested bagel and from shame. Every cell in her body cried out for her pill bottle. Every bit of common sense begged to be driven home by Sunset. But there was a looming pink reason she kept her mouth shut. She couldn't admit weakness in front of the pony. She couldn't confess her faults. Couldn't confirm she belonged with her counterpart. "I'm fine," Cozy lied. "All medicated up," she lied again. "No sweat. Best behavior. Feeling peachy keen today." She lied and lied and lied. Each of them broke her heart a little more, but also kept the rest of her safe. Just minutes ago, Cozy had been resigned to her fate. But now, when put on the spot, she desperately wanted to keep living. It was just the cowardice in her, she supposed. "Toodles," Cozy chirped soullessly. Then she trudged towards the freshman hall, a crowd of one. Cozy didn't glance behind. Her eyes and ears weren't reliable, but her sense of touch was. And what it felt was eyes on her back. Eyes from Sunset, eyes from Pinkie. And she felt them right until she turned a corner, out of sight. Only then in the empty hallway did she drop to her knees and retch. Her mess of mental issues had never made her nauseous before. But she'd also never been in such dangerous crosshairs. Pinkie's laughter, either real or imagined, echoed through the distant hall and made Cozy stand up straight again. Going home was no longer an option. Neither was cracking under pressure. Cozy Glow wiped her eyes, smoothed her skirt, and gritted her tiny pearly teeth. She would not be outplayed. She would not be exposed. She would outlast the grinning predatory pink stalker from another world. Oh, how Cozy savored the image of Pinkie skulking home, defeated and dejected. The princess would be so mad, she'd order Pinkie's head on a platter. One of those polished shiny types, with fancy smelted trim and one of those mouth apple garnishes! All to serve as an example to any lowly pony who thought they could outwit Cozy Glow. "No! Bad!" Cozy slapped herself in the face. It stung, but not as much as the fantasy. She had to get to first period. To a room with a crowd. There she could fade into conformity. Maybe. By Faust, today was going to be long and fearful. Cozy marched ahead. And she continued marching until her hand pushed open the door to her first class. " -hosting board game club during homeroom today." A silver-haired girl with bespectacled purple eyes was standing. A few dozen peers remained seated, listening to her speak. Some heads turned toward Cozy in the doorway. One of the heads belonged to a very bored teacher. "Tardy," he grunted. But that was the end of his investment. He didn't ask her name or move to mark her on a sheet or anything. He couldn't even be bothered to tell Purple Eyes to continue. Only a sluggish, permissive nod. Fine by Cozy. She divested her shoulders of backpack straps, then planted her butt in a front row desk. That was where good students sat, after all. "That's all my... I mean, all my..." Purple Eyes was clearly not a public speaker. "Those are my two truths and a lie. Who wants to guess now?" Hands went up. None belonged to Cozy. She had her fingers threaded, propping up her weary chin. Outwardly, the perfect teacher's pet. Inwardly, tense. Social icebreakers were expected on a first day of school. Cozy had practiced plenty with her therapist. Never "Two Truths And A Lie" though. Because two truths are two more than you're capable of telling. Cozy Glow's hand did raise now. She'd snuff out those naysaying Voices. She'd snuff out anyone who challenged her. Purple Eyes pointed at a boy in the back row. "Is it..." he pondered for a moment. "Is your lie about hosting a club in homeroom?" "Happy to say that it's not. Anyone else?" The teacher was so passive at his large distant desk, someone else took control. A sour-faced diva rising from a desk near Purple Eyes. Cozy observed a yellow blazer and a diamond tiara. "Boooring," Yellow Blazer declared. "Your lie was that you took cooking lessons this summer. The only thing you did was hang around my place. As always. Now, sit." Purple Eyes meekly obeyed, and as she dropped down, so did all the raised hands. All except Cozy's. "Yes?" Purple Eyes ventured. "Um..." Cozy improvised a passably friendly comment. "Golly, I feel plum embarrassed, but I showed up late and didn't get your name." Purple Eyes looked slightly encouraged. Slightly. "I'm-" "Done. That's what you are. My turn now." Yellow Blazer rolled her shoulders. "I'm Diamond Tiara, though you all ought to know me if you're not ignorant." Cozy glanced sideways at the teacher. He was sipping a mug of coffee, uncaring. Or possibly dully pleased the class was governing itself. "The first of my three statements," Diamond Tiara was drawling, "is... Oh! On my private chauffeur ride here this morning, some nitwit in a sedan honked up the neighborhood for no reason. Then puttered and braked around in front of us for the rest of the commute." Cozy deemed it okay to tune out this one. Other students had binders and writing utensils on their desks, so Cozy moved to match the masses. She opened her backpack, finding neatly sharpened pencils, crisply folded notebooks, and a pink highlighter. She fought off a shiver, opting only to pull out a notebook. The pinkness was a reminder she had no margin for error today. Cozy understood little of magical pony surveillance hooey, but Pinkie could be spying on her even right now. Maybe paying attention again was safer. "...and my third is that my family leases land to the local apple farm. That's right; those bumpkins are only open because we're so generous. Or whatever. So who's up for guessing?" The local farm. Cozy Glow peered hopefully around to see if Apple Bloom was in this class. It was hard to see through the raised hands all around, but it looked like she wasn't. Nor were those other two girls always with her. The ones constantly posting candid vids, trying to go viral. Skate tricks, makeup tutorials, anything. Cozy had spent so much her free time following the trio's social media, re-watching uploads, aching to be part of their group. She'd even tried approaching them once, a week or two ago. She'd been... interrupted. Cozy itched to try again. To get in good and make them her loyal orbiters. No! She just wanted friends, like any well-behaved girl! "Don't be bad," Cozy rasped. Not very quietly, but if Diamond Tiara had one redeeming trait, it was hogging the room's attention. Cozy flipped open her notebook and pretended to be busy doodling. She kept that up until Diamond sat down, ostensibly satisfied. The clueless boy from earlier went next. Then a redhead with braces. And on and on. Across the room, Purple Eyes yawned. Cozy reciprocated, since yawns were contagious. Only sociopaths didn't yawn back at others. More students stood, spoke and sat again. Cozy did her best to stay dimly invested. Was it fair to still call that girl Purple Eyes? Even in a town like this one, where names were more like quirky labels, they still had weight. Cozy's name had been what first put her on Sunset Shimmer's radar. Wasn't a good self image the first step towards a good self, period? The apathetic teacher's name was stamped into his desk plaque. Mister Cranky Doodle. Cozy didn't know if that helped her theory or countered it. The student to Cozy's left poked her politely. "You're up." Every nerve in Cozy's body seized. How long had she sat and dissociated? "S-sure," she bubbled, standing for the class. She had nothing prepared. Only windswept echoes of wants and wishes. "I'm Cozett- I mean Cozy Glow." Think, you dumb basket case. Think! Cozy's stomach gurgled. "My favorite snack is marshmallows!" Her feet felt hot. "I wear penny loafers cuz they're comfortable." Two statements were all she had. Her mind roiled with anger at that fact. Damn this terrible icebreaker. Damn her own weakness. Damn her complacency in choosing the desk by the door. She was last to be sharing, last to be scrutinized, and still she'd failed to be ready. Her hands had balled into fists, tighter and fiercer than those of Pinkie Pie. That pony had ruined everything. Ruined Cozy's chance to go home. Cozy seethed with hate, her empty skirt pocket pressed against her thigh. Was her lunacy going critical, or did it not feel empty after all? "And my best friend is a horse," Cozy blurted. She clasped her hands together and held steady like a statue. "Those are my two truths and a lie. Marshmallows. Shoes. Horse." Her ears were red. And pounding. Between pulses, she listened for feedback from her peers. What she heard was scattered snickering. Diamond Tiara didn't miss the chance to chide. "Your lie is supposed to be less obvious." "Golly, you're right. Sorry about that, everyone." Cozy ducked back into her seat, penny loafers creasing. While they were indeed comfortable, that wasn't why she wore them. Shoelaces were best avoided when you had strangulation fantasies. "Syllabus time," Mister Cranky rumbled. It was the first thing he'd said in ages. Between clicks of the classroom projector screen, there were notebooks opening and pencils moving. The class of individuals was fading into a new mass. Cozy Glow was one of them, safe from attention in the lowered lights. As the teacher droned and her pencil glided, Cozy felt... drained. Willpower was a weak replacement for meds. And yet, it had served her so far, hadn't it? She'd fooled Pinkie Pie and then gotten through her first class. Of course she had; she was Cozy Glow. Brilliant, scheming, and better than her lessers, which was everyone. She'd even filled a whole page with notes already. And okay, they weren't really words but instead violent wordless scribbles. But that didn't matter. The pages in her notebook could be marked up however she pleased. If the cover stayed neat, the only part seen by others, who cared about the vandalized inside? Not Cozy. She flipped to the next page, scribbling to fill it too. Then to the next. A manic rictus grin was forming on her face. Nothing could stop her. Nothing could defeat her. She flipped to the next page. A drawing. An old one from a week ago, done by the same pencil that was in her hand. "What I looked like as a pony?" The question had caught Sunset Shimmer off guard. "Well, first off I had a horn. And a tail. Honestly, I'm not so good with descriptions. You have something I can sketch on?" Art credit to Marenlicious The dim lighting and bright projector cast shadows over Cozy Glow's eyes. Which was good, because who wanted to see fresh tears welling up? Sunset Shimmer. A horse who was her best friend, no matter how laughed off her confession had been to the class. And best friends were honest when they needed help. When they were hurt. When they were unwell. Cozy was absolutely unwell. It was a miracle she could even still acknowledge that. So far, she'd been good. But the day had just started. How long until she snapped for real? Did something tangibly bad? She needed Sunset's help, she needed her pills. And yet... Pinkie Pie. Cozy quaked to think of what could happen with her. What unknown wrath a confession could summon through the mirror portal. The bell rang, the lights brightened, and Cozy Glow's world grew even more chaotic. Were Cozy's fears all just irrational? How could an irrational mind judge itself? Cozy ached to stay good, but no longer was sure how. She doubted her trust and trusted her doubts. How long until Doubt Itself was all she had left? The hallway. The stairwall. The route to the next class. Cozy's reality blurred. Pausing as the crowd flowed past, Cozy rested her burning forehead against a cool row of lockers. She slipped her hand into her skirt pocket. Yes, she knew it'd be empty. But the ritual of reaching, the memory of her pills, maybe through them the echoes of sanity would come back to her. Except Cozy's pocket wasn't empty. It contained a dusty piece of glowing rose quartz.