//------------------------------// // Don't Lose Your Head // Story: Starlight, Babyslayer vs. The Army of Cozys // by Nebbie //------------------------------// In the desert at noon, Starlight stepped off the gas. "Alright, if Spitfire's info is accurate, we're pretty close to one of Trixie's experiments, it's right in that canyon," she said, pointing at a gap in two large cliffsides. "It is, I can feel it. Like, down in my guts, all weird like," Comfy said with a slight cringe. "Huh...that's actually brilliant of Trixie to come up with...nopony would know you can tell when they're nearby. It doesn't work in reverse, does it?" Starlight asked with a look of concern as she trotted off towards the canyon. "It does, but it won't notice me with the other Cozies around, and if I'm real close. I might even be able to calm the thing so you can get the kill...or maybe we could save it somehow," Comfy said as she flow close behind. "Sorry, I know you hate killing, but we barely knew these things existed until last week, so we aren't exactly equipped to play giant Cozy tamer," Starlight said with a giggle. "Right. So why is this whole place a big desert anyways?" asked Comfy. "Beats me. Maybe Cozy is bad at managing weather? If I stopped to investigate every little mystery in this crazy world, I'd probably be driven insane. Best not to sweat the details," Starlight mused. "Shh...it's getting closer," Comfy said. Starlight grabbed Comfy and dove into a bush as stomping could be heard. Soon, a 10 foot tall Cozy Glow came into view from out of the canyon. It trotted out towards their bush a few paces, as two Cozies Starlight recognized as likely having been Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, based on retaining their exact manes, flew around it, and made an odd loud moaning sound. "What the hay? Why's the thing coming out when we're about to feed it, Diamond Glow?" asked the former Silver Spoon. "You know how weird these things get, maybe it's claustrophobic or something, Cuddle Spoon. Regardless, BRING THE PRISONERS!" replied Diamond Glow. Starlight watched as a trio of generic Cozies marched forward two ponies she recognized: Moondancer and Caramel. "So..." Diamond Glow began. "Any last words, rebel scum?" "What?" started Caramel. Moondancer groaned and rolled her eyes. "Ugh, just that this creep here thought the best time to come grope and spank my rear was while I was planting a bomb. Types like him are exactly why you Cozies took over. I only had eyes for Twilight..." Cuddle Spoon rolled her eyes. "Whatever, just step up to the thing's mouth as you're called. CARAMEL!" "I-I'm not a rebel though! You can't do this!" Caramel shouted as he widened his stance, looking around and breathing heavily before darting away with his eyes closed. "You'll have to catch me!" Diamond Glow slapped the big Cozy's side, and its tongue shot out, slapping against his rear under the tail, sticking to it as it then reeled in rapidly. In an instant, with nothing but a short scream, he went in its mouth, only a forehoof sticking out for a while before the big Cozy gulped. "Huh, froglike, interesting," said Moondancer, while Caramel screamed more from inside. After a while, a Caramel-like stallion Cozy shot out the big Cozy's rear with a squelch. "Huh, and he's still screaming inside...so it isn't continuous," Moondancer observed. "Don't you have any sappy regrets or prayers or whatever?" asked Cuddle Spoon as she put an elbow on Moondancer's flank. "No, now for the love of Celestia, shut up and let's get this over with!" Moondancer shouted as she shoved the filly's hoof away and pushed her rear end against the big Cozy's lips. "Uh...okay," said Cuddle Spoon. "Oh and actually...how about... My departed friends that gave a damn are smiling at me, Cozies. Can you say the same?" Moondancer asked with a sly grin. "Eh," Diamond Glow said as she shoved Moondancer in, the mare vanishing in the blink of an eye. "If the original Silver Spoon is like, a ghost or somethin', she's probably bein' all weird and romantic with ghost Diamond Tiara or even...ugh, Snails. I don't need their icky approval." No scream was heard as the big Cozy began processing Moondancer, and soon a Moondancer-like Cozy came out and looked to the Caramel-like one with disdain, while the big Cozy vomited up a pellet containing the hair and bones of the original ponies. "You better not have somehow gotten that guy's yucky traits." The Caramel-like Cozy nervously giggled. "Uh, I think I just want to spank ponies a lot with my meanness?" "Hmm...good enough, maybe we can date," replied the Moondancer-like Cozy. "Let's go get some stupid names from this stupid regime." "Ugh," started Diamond Glow. "Don't tell me we're making that one a general." "Psst..." came a whisper to Starlight's side. She glanced over at Comfy Bright tugging on her hoof. "I feel sick..." Starlight blinked a few times and looked back to the other Cozies, who had just gotten into some big argument. None seemed to have heard Comfy. "Can't it wait?" "No...I think...I think that hayburger you gave me...doesn't agree with my system. Us marshmallow Cozies normally have an all apple juice diet," Comfy said as her hooves quivered. "Right, explains why Scootaloo of all ponies would wet herself. Look, just do it as quietly as you can, they're distracted," replied Starlight. Comfy gagged a bit, but as Starlight looked around nervously, it seemed like with the Cozies at each other's throats, they weren't exactly expecting somepony to be in the bush. ...and then Comfy unleashed a mess of vomit at Starlight's hooves that spilled well outside the bush, making her freeze. The Moondancer-like Cozy blasted away the bush with her horn. "Oh great, creepy voyeurs watching us get birthed or pooped or whichever you wanna call it too now. And one's got a weak stomach! Yuck, this day keeps getting worse and WORSE!" "Well it's over for you!" shouted Starlight as she unsheathed her katana, and in one fluid motion, sliced off the Moondancer-like Cozy's head. Diamond Glow leapt into action, only to get sliced diagonally. Next, the Caramel-like Cozy slapped Starlight's rear so hard she fell over, losing her katana, and he promptly got an axe up the crotch, where it became wedged. Starlight started to get up, staring at Cuddle Spoon, who seemed paralyzed by fear...only for Cuddle Spoon to then slap the big Cozy's side, making a tongue shot out straight at Starlight's face. She had mere moments to gasp, but then...a pink hoof slapped the tongue away. "...Comfy, you...you sav-" "Nope, just me here to make sure you get a fun execution," said Crazy Glue as she grinned. "B-but I..." started Starlight. "Blew up most of me? Yep, but then you left my head just lyin' around! A few minutes with a marshmallow body maker and...good as new. Come on, you didn't think of that? They really just take any action hero they can get these days. Nighty night!" She finished her little monolog with a sprinkle of some kind of sparkling powder in Starlight's face. "Well...poo," replied Starlight said as she swayed a bit and passed out. Starlight opened her eyes slowly to Sunburst offering her tea in what seemed to be a cabin. "Huh...wasn't I...?" "Shh, it's okay, we got you. Crazy Glue might've been one tough cookie, but she had a hard time dragging you to Canterlot by herself, and Spitfire really wanted her head for a new fireplace display." Starlight chuckled and took the tea, stirring the spoon around. "Well, glad to hear she's not just resigned to spending the whole resistance in a chair letting getting fat waiting to be captured, at least not without something to stare at!" Sunburst smirked. "Speaking of, she might've forgotten to disable your uh, emergency...you know, in case of capture..." "Oh, the surprise rear bomb? Well I assume we're not at risk of capture for now, so go ahead," Starlight said as she took a sip of the tea. "Uh, heh, yeah uh, how do I disable it again?" Starlight asked, looking nervous. "Oh, don't tell me you're so squeamish you didn't even listen to the instructions! Ugh..." Starlight said as she rolled her eyes, then turned her rear to him and lifted her tail. "It's just three quick presses of the button inside, it'll vibrate twice if disarmed...you can use a spoon or something. Actually, I can get it myself with this teaspoon if you don't want to..." "No no, I uh...I think I'll manage, just let me get something...less of an heirloom," Sunburst said as he trotted off to the kitchen. Starlight sighed. "Typical Sunburst...hmm, what forest are we i-" Her musing was interrupted as she felt two vibrations in her rear, and the reality around her seemed to shake with them. She suddenly shot her eyes open, seeing Crazy Glue staring at her, with Canterlot towers behind. Her eyes went wide, and she realized she was shackled to a chopping block, and that her horn felt numb, like it had been cut off. "Hmph," came Luna's voice from behind. "So you really are that gullible. Thanks for telling us how to disarm other captures." Luna trotted around to her front, showing that she was small, nearly a filly, with solid light-colored hair. Starlight snarled a bit. "You violated my dreams, YOU DAMN TRAITOR!" "Traitor? I'm a co-ruler of Equestria, and I did what was right for Equestria. Under no definition of the word am I one, you damn rebel. I'll happily go over the finer points of my reasoning later, inside your dying head. Now, let's go on with the execution that'll take it of..." Luna stated smugly as she headed off to a nearby tower. "So..." Crazy Glue began as she flew over, sitting down on Starlight's head on the chopping block. "Any regrets?" "A few. Mostly that I didn't turn your brain into paste," Starlight replied before blowing Crazy's tail a bit out of her face. "Hmph, spicy, but not as fun as Rainbow. At least you don't bite," Crazy said with a giggle. "Keep sitting there and I might..." said Starlight. Crazy spun around onto the tip of Starlight's nose, leaned her body back, and bent her front down to stare her eye to eye, holding the sides of her head. "Oh, what a fun threat...but anyways, you're about to lose your head, along with that little failure over there. How's it feel?" "Like I've gotta take a dump and some crazy pony is sitting on my nose," replied Starlight dryly as she spotted Comfy shaking nearby, also chained down. Crazy giggled so hard she fell backwards, off of Starlight's nose, and onto the ground. "Heheheh, the block tends to have that effect on ponies...though in your case, it's probably because Luna left your horn in there after using it to disarm your little present for us. Anyways, I've gotta go get my axe!" Crazy flew off. "Psst...any plans?" Comfy asked from her smaller chopping block, looking terrified. "Sorry kiddo, my only plan is to spit in Luna's face if she really is gonna go inside my head and lecture me on her deranged ideas, and I think anything better isn't saving you, so prepare to meet your maker...or wait, your maker's Cozy Glow, and she isn't bothering to come, so I guess meet her maker," Starlight replied as she turned to face Crazy Glue, who was flying over with a comically-oversized red axe. "Well, any last words?" asked Crazy Glue. "Bite my sparkly magical butt, you hellspawn," Starlight said weakly, sounding rather bored. "Hmm...sounds fun, but nah," Crazy Glue replied as she flew over and swung the axe. Time seemed to slow down as the pain in Starlight's neck started, and as her head began to fall into the bucket below, she spotted out of the corner of her vision Spitfire flying over. Crazy Glue turned around in panic as a magical beam slammed into her side, colored like it was from Sunburst. "You ANIMAL!" he shouted as he charged over and let off two more into Crazy Glue in rapid succession, knocking her axe away and then turning her head into marshmallow mush. Photo Finish then teleported in and grabbed Starlight's head out of the bucket, staring into her eyes. "It is not too late! Ze head is freshly cut!" Photo then dunked Starlight's head into some kind jar of brown liquid Zecora was holding. Zecora sprinkled something in around her as time seemed to return to normal. "Do not be full of Fright, you are saved dear Starlight. We now just need to know, if you accept having a terrific cyborg body made mostly of marshmallow Cozy Glow... Blink only twice to be tossed like old rice!" Starlight promptly blinked six times in a second, just to be safe. "COMMENCE ZE MAGICKS!" shouted Photo as she brought over the body, which had pink paste stretched between areas of metal on the hooves, butt, and back. Zecora promptly took Starlight's head out and stuck it on the cyborg neck. Starlight gasped, suddenly feeling the need to breathe. "Oh BUCK ME Apple Bloom wasn't kidding...whoa...cool, but uh, how did you all...?" Sunburst brought her lips to his and smooched her for a good long second before pulling away. "Well it was simple, we just combined Zecora's alchemy with my magical expertise, some robot parts Trixie left behind, and just a dash of Photo Finish's utter insanity from her time working in one of Cozy's labs... And sorry, but we didn't have time to work out all the kinks, so you may not be able to eat solid food or fly very well." "We can provide ze upgrades later," added Photo Finish as she tossed a bomb that took out a few guard Cozies flying in, turning them into pink paste. Starlight smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips back. "Thanks..." She took a moment to grab Comfy, and her hoof automatically turned into a saw that cut the chains. The filly seemed to be passed out from fear, so she just laid her on her back, then turned to look around. "Um...wait, what about Luna?" Spitfire was suddenly thrown out of the tower Luna had gone in, and slammed against the hard cobblestone. "...s-she's...a big problem," Spitfire got out before slumping down. "Then it is time for SACRIFICE!" Photo Finish shouted as she took out some kind of paste from a jar in her dress and shoved it in Spitfire's lips. "A pegasus for an alicorn is a worthwhile trade, yes?" Spitfire perked up suddenly, only to look back sadly. "...yes...everypony else, get lost and don't come back, I've got her!" Luna flew down gently and smirked as she started firing off magic beams. Sunburst grabbed onto Starlight and kicked at her flank, making wings pop out her sides, and her butt turn into a rocket that sent them flying, followed closely by Zecora and Photo Finish. Starlight looked back and watched as Spitfire dodged gracefully...for a moment, before a bolt took off a wing and Luna started to cackle and pace around the grounded pegasus. "How exactly is she supposed to take out Luna?" she questioned as she rubbed her neck, which itched a little, but was otherwise quite fine. Sunburst flared his horn, and the group teleported a ways away, up on a balcony. A loud explosion from the area of the battle answered Starlight's question just as she set down, with a single hoof of Luna's flying past. "Backup detonators, the bane of gloating traitors," Zecora rhymed. Starlight blinked. "Huh, but now what? We've got no leader and no escape route from this damned city!" Photo Finish cleared her throat from behind them. "We are not here to escape! We are here to find ze MIRROR PORTAL and GO...where Trixie went!" she shouted as she pulled out a map. "It is lower down in zis tower..." "So you finally figured out what I did to her..." said Cozy Glow as she teleported in, her horn already flaring with magic. "Too bad you're getting DESTROYED!" She immediately shot a bolt that took off one of Photo Finish's legs, turning it to ashes. Starlight growled and reached out mentally for any assistance her new body could provide. "I don't think so..." She jumped up, leaving Comfy to fall to her side and wake up, only to then fall back down as her legs splayed out, slamming her belly against the floor with a clang. Comfy took one look around, and hit a button on Starlight's hoof, making a rocket shot out at Cozy. Cozy tried to dodge, but the explosion sent her tumbling into a wall, resulting in rubble coming down and burying her up to her neck. "Oof...how devious, you made me think you were about to fail only to have one of my own shoot at me!" "Uh...let's go with that," Starlight said. Sunburst put a leg around Starlight and inspected her. "Starlight, your cyborg body isn't ready for this kind of combat yet...and Trixie designed a lot of it. You need to go and get her to stand a chance." "But..." Starlight began. "No buts! I know I lost you to her a while back so...this is goodbye," he finished with a kiss, only to go wide-eyed as a beam from Cozy started turning him to ash from the rear forward. "No butts, more like!" said Cozy. Starlight screamed as she flailed and backed up from him as his entire back half turned to ash. "SUNBURST!" Sunburst looked back weakly as his tongue lolled out. Starlight froze and loudly gasped for a moment, nearly crying as she made guttural noises. "Oh did I break your boytoy? I was gonna let him have a big ol' romantic speech, but my beam did a wee bit more than I wanted," Cozy giggled. "Golly, I just don't know my own stre-" She was interrupted by a potion bottle to the face, shattering and spilling some green liquid on her that promptly exploded. "AAAH, it burns!" she shouted as she flew a ways away. "WHAT THE HAY KIND OF POTION IS THAT?" "Bottled bombardier beetle potion, a stubborn filly's most hated lotion!" replied Zecora as she tossed several more, sending Cozy away screaming. Starlight inspected Sunburst's remaining half, and sighed as she closed his eyes with her hoof, then went over to Photo Finish. "So...she good enough to move?" Photo Finish groaned. "Barely. Let us go, before ze terrible tyke returns!" she said as she slumped against Zecora and held on, dragged along towards a stairwell.