Chapter 8
Love's First Miss
"We traced the heroes to Hogsmeade, in a bar called the Three Broomsticks." A shadowy masked man said, his arms folded behind his back. Captain Planet sat in his chair at the round table, his chin resting on his fist. "After that, they headed for Hogwarts and were intercepted by Tristan."
"I see." the Captain replied. "And where are they now?"
"We do not know. Tristan used a spell to warp most of them to an unknown location before they could finish him off."
"Most of them?"
"Yes." The masked man turned and toward Dr. Robotnik and motioned for him to move on. The Doctor pressed a big red button and a screen behind them lit up showing the Pyro's mask. "He was unconscious while Tristan performed his spell."
"Well then, what are we waiting for?" Captain Planet stood and pointed to Will Ferrell. "Go take care of the Pyro, Will! It seems we'll need to separate the heroes, otherwise they cannot fall."
"Yes sir." Will saluted his superior, then exited the building.
The Captain turned back to his team, or rather what was left of it, and asked, "So, where is Tristan now?"
"We're not sure." Robotnik sighed. "He ran away after teleporting the 'heroes' to where ever he teleported them. And none of my scouts have been able to locate him. He is probably using his magic to keep himself hidden."
"Chances are he won't be returning." The masked figure added.
"Well then," Captain Planet looked down, stroking his chin. "These heroes have dealt quite a blow to our plans. First Leeroy, then Diaboromon. And now Tristan."
"Picking them off one-by-one is our best chance."
"I am agreeing with this statement. Will is going down there to finish off the Pyro. And seeing as how we don't know where the others are yet..." He turned to Robotnik and said, "We may as well use this time to our advantage. Doctor, head down to the Base of Operations and finish repairs on my 'Ultima Weapon'."
"It would be my pleasure Captain!" He replied in his gruff and somewhat annoying voice.
"And what about me Captain?" The last figure asked.
"You stay here and look mysterious."
"Okay."
*****
The Pyro sat disheveled and motionless in the corner of the stone hallway where he had been mercilessly pummeled against the walls. He only moved slightly to breath in and out, biding time until Cogsworth and Timon returned from their search.
What seemed like hours passed and there had been no word from the clock and cat, and he was starting to lose hope. He began wondering if they had abandoned him... and if his friends had abandoned him as well.
But before he could think too much about those depressive thoughts, he heard a throat clear just behind a wall. He jumped up and looked over to see the clock had returned with the meerkat trailing close behind. "Eh, Mr. Pyro?" Cogsworth hesitated to say.
The Pyro ran over to the two and asked, "Hmm? Hmm mm mmph mm?"
"Um..." Timon questioned. "Right..."
An awkward silence crept its way into the conversation, something that happened a lot around the Pyro. When Cogsworth broke the silence. "Um, yes. Anyway, we looked all over the castle, from top to bottom."
"Mmhmm..." The Pyro nodded in anticipation.
"And... regrettably... we were unable to find any trace of your friends."
The Pyro's heart sank. He had hoped for anything but that answer. Now there were even more questions flooding his mind. Where were his friends? Did they abandon him by choice? Had they been taken prisoner by Captain Planet, or worse? He shuddered to think of any of those options and didn't know which one he hated more.
After a brief silence, he turned and trudged back to his corner to retrieve his belongings. His flare gun, flamethrower, and mailbox, which had been damaged in the battle with Tristan. The red flag had been broken off and the wooden post was almost split down the middle.
After picking up his weapons, he made way for the giant double doors which he had entered the castle from. He thought he heard one of the comic reliefs say they were sorry for his loss, but he simply ignored them and continued.
Upon reaching the door, he stopped and gave a heavy sigh. He had no idea where he was going, but there was nothing else for him here. Maybe he was heading back to Mann Co., or to find his friends whether they wanted him to or not. With unsure intentions in mind, he pushed the doors open and took one step outside...
"Well hello there! Long time, no see." An all too familiar figure stood not but five feet from the Pyro. "Remember me?"
"Oh my!" Cogsworth cried out from behind. "It's Captain Planet's right hand man!"
"Hit the dirt!" Timon added, bolting in the opposite direction, Cogsworth following closely behind.
Sure enough, it was Will Ferrell standing right outside the castle walls, extending his hand to the Pyro very cordially. "So how has your journey been so far?"
The Pyro, rather than reaching for the man's hand, reached for his flamethrower and pointed it directly at Will, clearly not willing to discuss his trials and tribulations.
Will backed up a step and held his hands up. "Hey now! Take it easy! I'm not here to cause you trouble..." He said quickly, trying not to become bacon. "I'm here to deliver news of the good variety."
His charisma and class caught the Pyro's attention, and he begrudgingly lowered his weapon to listen. "Mhmm?"
"You know, I think we got off on the wrong foot." Will began again, becoming more relaxed around his twitchy acquaintance. "You see, I'm not really the bad guy."
"Mmhmm..." The Pyro responded, obviously not believing the well-dressed man.
"You see, Captain Planet actually sent me down here with a particularly grim goal in mind. Basically, he believes that the only way to rid his perfect planet of you and your teammates is to separate you and then pick you all off one-by-one. Divide and conquer, that sort of thing."
Will paced back and forth, laughing a bit. "You know, you all have created quite a stir in his relatively simple plans. Holding your own against not one, not two, but three of his best soldiers! I'm quite impressed. And while it would be the simplest thing in the world to take you out right now, I have another idea in mind."
The Pyro, led on by his silver tongue, bit the bait and asked, "Hmm... mm mmmph mph hmmmmphmm?"
Assuming he asked what he thought he had asked, Will continued, "I'm glad you asked. I simply want to avoid any more casualties. I have a plan to get you and your friends off of this planet-"
"HMM! Hmmph mmph mmmm mmmph!" The Pyro shouted, angered by the mentioning of his friends.
"Oh, there's no reason to be offended. Your friends are alive." Will said with a slight smirk.
"Hmm?"
"Oh, right. I completely forgot about my news. Well, it seems that while you were unconscious, Tristan cast one last spell on the five others, not to dispose of them, but to teleport them away so that he could escape."
"Hmm mmph mmmph mm mmm mmphhmm?"
"... I'm going to assume you asked me where they are. If that's correct, nod your head."
The Pyro nodded his head.
"Good. Well, according to my intelligence, they are currently in Atlantis."
"... Hmmhmmhmm?"
"Yes. Atlantis. The spell Tristan used took the last place that he was currently thinking of and transported anyone within a ten yard radius, besides himself, to that place. Why he was thinking of Atlantis, I have no idea."
"Hmm mmmph mm mmmph hmm hmmph?"
"Atlantis, actually isn't too far away." Will pointed to the giant lake next to the castle. "There is a passage at the bottom of that lake that lets out near the glorious underwater city. However, as you currently are, you wouldn't last five minutes under the sea." He looked down at the Pyro's arsenal. "And your weapons certainly won't be of any use to you down there either."
"Hmm mm mmmph." The Pyro stated, turning to the lake.
"Whoa, slow down. I don't want you to march to your death. There's a thin line between courage and stupidity." Will looked down in thought, stroking his chin.
After a minute or two, he snapped his fingers and said, "I've got it! Conveniently placed to my left, there's a cave that leads underground." He pointed to his left, and there was a cave indeed. "Inside, you'll find an old man. He will give you what you need to survive this perilous trek and save your friends."
"Hmm mmmph mmmhmm?" The Pyro asked, taking a step toward the cave.
"... English man. Use English."
"Hmm mm."
"These are not words!" Will calmed down before he flipped a table. "OK. Let's narrow this down. Are you asking about your friends?"
"Hmmhmm."
"... OK. Just nod or shake your head."
The Pyro nodded.
"OK. Are you asking about their condition?"
The Pyro nodded again.
"Ah. See? We're making progress." Will straightened his tie and cleared his throat. "Unfortunately, I do not know the condition of your friends. But if they are as tough as you are, I'm sure they're fine."
"Hmm mmmph mm mmph hmmphmm hmm?"
Will sighed. "We're back to this then? Alright. Are you still talking about them?"
Once again, he nodded.
"Are you... talking about an individual?"
Nods.
"Sephiroth?"
He shook his head this time.
"Vinyl Scratch?"
Again, shook his head.
"GLaDOS? Yakko?"
He continued to shake his head.
"... Latisha...?"
He nodded. "Mmhmm. Hmmph mmhmm hmmph mm mmmmmph mphmm hmmph hmm mmmph mmph mmmmph hmph mph. Hmmph hmp hhmmm mmm mmph mph. Hmmph hmm hmm mm mmmmph mmmmphmmm. Hmm mmm." The Pyro... spoke? He then made a heart-shape with his hands.
Will was dumbfounded. He tried to find his words, but he honestly had none. "Are... you're... you... the taco?"
The Pyro nodded.
"You're in love...
Silence.
"With the taco..."
The Pyro nodded vigorously. "Mmhmm!"
"And on that note, I'm leaving." Will said, mind-blown at just how stupid the Pyro was. Will Ferrell, with his mission of mercy finished, turned away and headed into the forest that surrounded the castle. He disappeared behind the dense trees and mists of the environment, leaving the gas jockey.
The Pyro shifted his gaze from the forest to the cave that Will had mentioned before. He stared down into the abyss, unsure of whether or not Will could be trusted. He said that Captain Planet thought it best to take them out one at a time. But Will's intentions were shrouded in mystery.
He looked down at his arsenal and grabbed his flare gun. He had only a few shots left in his inventory, and questioned first whether he really wanted to use one to find something rather than light someone on fire.
Overcoming his urge to kill everything that ever existed, he loaded the small projectile into the gun, pointed it into the dark hole, and pulled the trigger.
The flare lit the cave incredibly well, revealing a long tunnel below. It went on for some time, until he heard the distinct sound of his flare shot hitting a solid object, presumably the end of the cave.
He hesitantly raised his foot, and took a step into the cavern. Well, he wasn't dead yet. That was clearly a good sign. He grabbed his flamethrower and held it in front of him, near the cave floor to light his way. As he submerged deeper and deeper into the disorienting darkness, he found himself looking back a few times to see how far he had traveled.
After about ten minutes of walking down the steep passage, he entered what appeared to be an underground chamber, a lit torch on each side. In between them stood an old man with a white beard in a red robe. The Pyro put down his flamethrower and stared at the man.
He didn't budge, and aside from his occasional breathing and blinking, he looked almost like a statue.
The Pyro looked around the room, but seeing as nothing else was in the cave, he approached the elder and tapped him on the shoulder.
All of the sudden, you were assaulted by a poorly photo-shopped picture I made to get you to laugh. LAUGH AT IT.
The man's sudden shouting startled the Pyro making him take a step back. Rather than respond to the strange old man, he reached for the bag on the ground in front of him and snatched it away as quickly as possible, then quickly walked to the tunnel he had entered from.
Inside the bag were four items: the first was a new mask with an oxygen tank connected to the mouth. The second was a small remote with a red button on it. The third was a Chinese bar sign with a bright red border and blue letters translating to 'bar'. And the last item was a note with a few sentences of writing in pen. The note read;
You now have the equipment necessary to save your friends from a watery grave. The mask will allow you to breathe underwater for up to six hours. The Neon Annihilator will burn through any enemies you may find along the way. And lastly, that remote is special. Press it only when you and your friends have been reunited.
Having read the note, the Pyro put it back inside the pack and inside his inventory (backpackception?). With his new arsenal in hand, he immediately took a nap.
...
He immediately rushed out of the cave to save his friends from imminent doom like a boss.