“So what’s this friendship problem about?” Anon asked.
“The map in Twilight’s castle said we’re needed somewhere up north, so you coming or what?” Rainbow asked, floating outside Anon’s window.
“Well… I did make five other me’s so I could have more time to myself… eh sure, I’ll meet you at the station” Anon agreed.
“As soon as I’m done with my bath” he added, having been sat in his bathtub the whole time.
Taking a train ride with the girls, Anon was left underwhelmed at their destination.
In a valley north of Stalliongrad, there was a small town. It’s buildings lined up neatly in two rows.
“Well this place is a shithole” Anon stated.
“Anon!” Twilight chided.
“What? It’s a shithole, am I not allowed to call it a shithole? What’s over there? It’s a shithole” Anon defended.
“We can’t call other pony’s towns shitholes it’s rude!” She stated.
“Ok ok ok, it’s a dump” Anon corrected himself.
“Just… just don’t say anything” the Princess of Friendship said as they walked up to the town.
The locals were all ponies of the three main races, but they seemed… off.
They were all smiling widely, but they all seemed to be forcing it, and all their cutie marks were the same equal sigh.
“Um, I don’t think we blend in very well” Fluttershy whispered.
“Don’t worry, I am a master of diplomacy” Anon whispered back to her before wondering off from the main group.
“No” Fluttershy whispered in fear.
“Hey my man, what’s up with this freak show?” Anon asked a small colt playing with a gray ball.
“I’m sorry, what do you mean?” He asked.
“Dude this place looks like it’s a set for a 1984 movie adaptation. And what’s with all of you having the same cutie mark? You all into maths or something?” Anon asked, before his brow quickly furrowed as his mind shat out an explanation.
Before the colt could answer Anon’s head shot straight up.
“Wait a minute is this place Equestria’s Manhattan Project? Where’s pony Oppenheimer?” He asked looking around for a depressed guy in a hat.
“Hey where did everybody go?” Anon asked, seeing that the street had been cleared.
“Everypony must be doing the greeting song” the colt said.
“The what now?” Anon asked as the colt lead him to the front of the town.
After a long song about how great Our Town was and how equal they all were. The girls first looked at the towns ponies with confusion. Then it turned to fear.
At first they noticed Fluttershy cowering behind Rainbow, then they say what she was scared of.
For you see, the form we knew Anon in was his base form. But when he powers up he becomes what’s known as a Super American, and if he goes beyond that he becomes and Ascended Super American, or Super American 2.
But as he stood shaking violently. Physical red, white and blue aura manifesting around him, Anon went even further beyond.
“Is he ok?” Starlight asked.
“Fucking commies!!!”
…
Zebanon shot his head up. Moister slowly dripping from his muzzle.
“I’ve sensed a great disturbance in the force, I feel Anon is in a state of great rage” he said.
“Oh I’m sure he’ll be fine, the girls are with him” Cream Heart said, grabbing the zebra’s head and putting it back between her legs.
…
Groaning, Anon opened his eyes. His memory was foggy but he distinctly remembered going Super Saiyan 3 for a second.
“What happened?” He groaned.
“You yelled loud enough to shake the town then passed out darling” Rarity explained, passing him a glass of water.
Seeing he was inside a wood and stone building, Anon looked over at the girls. All of their coats seemed… duller, and their cutie marks had been replaced with equal signs. Looking at his own impressive ass, Anon say his question mark was gone, replaced with a equal sign like the girls.
“Ok what the fuck happened?” Anon demanded to know.
“After you passed out, Starlight Glimmer stole our cutie marks and locked them away. Our special talents are gone, and we can’t leave until we’ve got them back” Twilight expalined.
Getting back to his feet Anon looked out the window. The town’s pony’s were going back to their daily routine like nothing changed.
“Where are they?” Anon asked.
“Locking in that mountain” Applejack said, pointing to a cave in one of the nearby mountains.
“Well that makes things easier, don’t worry girls your big, strong stallion will take care of this” Anon said opening the door. Stopping for a moment to appreciate it was unlocked.
“Big Mac’s coming?” Pinkie asked innocently, pretending she didn’t just give the sickest burn imaginable.
“Anon there has to be a peaceful way, just sit down and let us think up a pla-“ Twilight pleaded, unaware it fell on deaf ears as Anon walked out like a father going to get milk.
Trotting up to the cave entrance, Anon was stopped by two ‘guards’
“Excuse me there’s something of mine in there I’d like to get back” Anon said, unusually polite all things considered.
“I’m sorry friend, but we can’t let you take your cutie mark back. But don’t worry, you’ll be happier without it. Here in Our Town you’ll be happy and equal just like the rest of us” the first guard said, his forced smile twitching slightly.
“I’m sorry I forgot to ask, what is the name of your town by the the way?”
“Our Town”
“Yes I know it’s your town now what’s it called?”
“Our Town”
“Dude I get it you live here now what’s it called?”
“Our. Town”
“Did the pink bitch take your brain when she took your mark? WHAT IS THE TOWN’S NAME!”
“OUR TOWN!”
“You know what fuck this” Anon sighed.
What came next was nothing short of Anon unleashing his full 600 pounds of compact American glory upon those poor guards.
“Ow, that hurt” one said, laying on the ground with a fat lip and a black eye.
“How’d you do that? We took your mark, you’re meant to be the same as everypony else?” The other groaned, his read leg shoved where the sun doesn’t shine.
“Steroids and crack cocaine! That’s why America is unstoppable!” Anon stated proudly as he marched into the cave like it was D-Day.
Entering the cave he found a wall of potentially hundreds of cutie marks. Looking through them he couldn’t find his or the girl’s.
“What the fuck is going on here?” He asked himself.
“Trespassing for one” a voice called out.
Stepping out of the shadows, Starlight Glimmer stepped between Anon and the cutie marks.
“Where are my friend’s marks you commie bitch?” Anon demanded.
“Safe, and don’t worry, none of you will be needing them. Here in Our Town everypony is equal, and now so are youl she stated proudly.
“Ok for one, I know as a communist or a socialist or whatever you are you’re naturally stupid. But come on those guys aren’t equal at all”
That caught Starlight off guard. Not the stupid part but the part where he challenged her town’s equality.
“Of course they are! They all have the same cutie mark now!” She defended.
“Yeah but the pegasi still have their wings and the unicorns still have their horns. Sure you handicapped them but that doesn’t mean they’re any less unequal. Earth ponies are still stuck as basic bitches” Anon explained.
“Ok we can’t fix that but if you ignore biology we’re all the same! We’re the perfect society!”
“Perfect? Hardly, you see Lighty, for a society to function there needs to be specialized of labour. While sure you have a point that the picture on someone’s butt shouldn’t decide your roll in life it does (somehow) give them an advantage in whatever talent they’ve got. Removing them removed that boost, you’re not making a perfect society your holding everyone back. If you make everyone equally bad at something that doesn’t mean they’re all the best”
Twitching slightly, Starlight resisted the urge to use magic to choke out this thestral and his nitpicking ways.
“Hey your mark is melting” Anon pointed out at Starlight’s cutie mark slowly running down her leg.
Seconds later Anon revised a rock to the head. Returning him to the land of uncontioustess.
…
Starlight returned Anon to the house the and the Mane 6 were staying in.
After a few hours he woke up but something was deeply wrong. All the girls could tell it.
Sat at a desk, Anon happily hummed to himself, writing something in a piece of paper.
Since waking up there has been no unnecessary profanity. No boasting about his overestimated skills, and he’s called them all by their actual names.
No Twiggles, no nothing.
“Nonny, you ok?” Pinkie asked.
Looking away from his desk, Anon smiled warmly at the pink mare.
“Pinkie I couldn’t be better. In fact I’ve just finished writing the constitution of the empire” he explained showing it to her.
As the girls read through it they were mortified.
“Anon, you realize this would dissolve the monarchy right? You wouldn’t be king anymore” Twilight stated.
“I know, but I think it’s only fair that the people get to pick their own leaders regularly. It may not be perfect but democracy is still the freest form of government, and being free makes ponies happy, which makes me happy” Anon explained.
“Ok she definitely hit him harder than we thought” Applejack said.
“Oh don’t be mad at Starlight, I’ve already forgiven her” Anon responded before going back to his writing.
“What’cha doing now?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m writing an apology letter to everypony I’ve ever insulted or upset, it’ll take a while but it’s the right thing to do” he explained.
The girls could tell somethiy was definitely wrong.
“Ok Anon, something not right, do you mind if I check your temperature?” Twilight asked.
“Of course, whatever makes you happy” he said taking off his shades.
Taking a step back the girls continued to boast their shocked expressions.
“What’s the matter?” Anon asked.
“Dude, your eyes changed!” Rainbow stated pointing at him.
Trotting over to the mirror, Anon looked to see what all the fuss is about.
His eyes, usually a green hue had turned orange, resembling the usual colour of a thestral’s eyes.
“Well that’s strange” he asked “oh look my coat is changing as well” he pointed out.
“What?” Rarity said trotting up to the mirror.
It was true, the green fur around Anon’s eyes were slowly turning gray, spreading over the rest of his face millimeters at a time.
“How’s that even possible?” Rarity asked.
“His cutie mark” Twilight realised “our cutie marks represent our special talents, they’re who we are, without his, Anon is turning into a normal thestral” she theorised.
“Ok I know I skipped a lot of biology classes sugarcube-“ Applejack began.
“A few?” Rarity said in a doubting tone.
“Ok I skipped everything past the fifth grade, but I’m sure that ain’t how biology works” the orange mare stated.
“Anon isn’t a normal pony, he was only turned into one. Everything that made him who he was as a human, his ‘Anonness’ if you will, it must have been tied to his cutie mark. Without it, he’s turning into an ordinary pony, if we don’t get that mark back, we might lose everything that makes Anon, well, Anon”
Hearing Twilight’s words, the girls began to worry. Even Pinkie’s smile quickly faded.
“Ok but is that reeeeally a bad thing?” Rainbow asked.
“Rainbow!” The other five scolded.
“Ok ok we’ll fix him” Rainbow caved.
“Did I ever tell you girls how much I value your friendship?” Anon asked, completly oblivious to the seriousness of his dilemma.
So he hasn’t lost THAT much of himself.
Eventually the girls exposed Starlight and the town reclaimed their cutie marks.
“Blegh! I can’t believe I wrote all this shit” Anon said, feeding the constitution and all his many apology letters to the fire.
With his cutie mark restored Anon’s natural eye and fur colour began returning to normal.
“You know we’d probably have saved ourselves a ton of trouble if we just let him stay that way right?” Rainbow asked.
“I know” Twilight responded.
“Help the first amendment’s fighting back!” Anon yelled out. Wielding a poker as the fire spilt out onto the floor.
“But he wouldn’t be OUR Anon” she explained.
“Yeah, he was kinda boring that way” Rainbow admitted.
…
As the train pulled into the station Anon let out a sigh of relief. After all that shit he was finally home.
“Home at last, now I can sit back and-“ he began before immediately freezing upon entering the palace.
Sat in a pile of shards was the Crystal Heart. You know, the giant beating heart of the empire.
Stood next to it with a big bottle of glue was Unianon, with Cadence’s baby on his back.
“It was her fault” he insisted, pointing at the giggling newborn.
“I was gone for a few days and a baby destroyed our most precious artifact… I knew there was a reson I liked that kid” Anon thought to himself.
AN: Sane Anon may be the better Anon, but he isn’t our Anon.