//------------------------------// // This Chapter is So Crazy, It's a Flashback // Story: Gilda Versus Knitting // by PotatoJoe //------------------------------// Captain Helm, the commander of the pegasi Royal Guards, stared blankly at the pony in front of her. He was scratched like he’d been attacked by a dozen falcons. One eye was bruised purple and black, the swelling forcing it shut. His mane was chopped like somepony had taken an axe to it, his tail was burnt, and he was missing two teeth. To one side lay a bound, gagged, manacled, and hogtied pink earth pony, to the other, a bunny in a iron cage that had a sign attached that read “ No Carrots”. But there was a giant, goofy smile on his face and his wings were suspiciously clean. “ You have one heck of a story, don’t you.” said Captain Helm. “ I got laid.” replied Guardspony Hammer. The young stallion spoke in a singsong, proud tone. A little trickle of blood dripped out of his nose. “ Also, I may have a concussion.” With that, he collapsed in a heap. Captain Helm soared through the clouds with purpose, the nervous friend of Guardspony Hammer keeping pace behind. After rushing the injured stallion to the hospital she had sought out the ponies friends to see what had happened while the prisoners were processed by her lieutenant. She’d found young Tongs, who was the best friend and squad mate of Hammer, awaiting his friends return with the preparations for a surprise party. Hammer had apparently left on a weekend pass to go see a female gryphon he had met on a mission, which had surprised the Captain - the stallion had seemed rather normal. But, to each their own - Helm had fooled with enough fillies that she didn’t feel too judgmental. Finding out that the last time Hammer and Tongs had seen this gryphon the prisoner earth pony had tried to kill them with a bomb...was a little different. She’d decided that she needed to know more of the situation. Hammers word on the prisoners crimes could not be completely trusted and it was necessary that they be able to prove that... Helm paused, trying to remember the full list of the misdeeds Hammer had claimed that the prisoner had committed. Assault with a deadly weapon, assault with an slightly less deadly weapon, impromptu demolition of a bungalow, assault with a pepper mill, sedition, interfering with the duties of a postal worker, necromancy, breaking and entering and laughing about it, grand theft windmill, operating a windmill while inebriated, double-parking a windmill in a handicapped wagon space, and weaponizing salt into a deadly weapon. But as Ponyville came into view, the morning sun rising in the distance and covering the famous town in its orange glow, she was unfortunately shown that the story was partly true at least - there was a windmill in the center of the Ponyville malls parking lot, double parked in a handicapped space. Swooping down, she landed in front of the towns library. The local librarian was the famed magician Twilight Sparkle and for her investigation to come, it would be necessary to have some proper support. “ Oh, hey, uh, what do, I, um, do?” asked Tongs as he landed besides her. “ Just keep quiet, Guardspony.” said Captain Helm, knocking on the library door. The distant sound of skittering indicated something was there and a moment later the door opened and a nervous looking little dragon greeted them. “ Uh...hey.” he said, glancing back behind him. There was a little ketchup on his snout and a napkin wrapped around his neck. “ Sorry, I was, um, eating. Can I, uh...help you?” “ You can. Is this the residence of Twilight Sparkle?” asked the Captain. The dragon nodded. “ Would you please get her? We have need of her abilities in a criminal investigation.” “ Uh, so, here’s the, um, deal.” said Spike, lowering his voice and leaning in. “ Don’t tell her I was having breakfast, alright? I was kinda sneaking some...stuff.” “ My lips are sealed.” said Help with a little smirk, which caused the dragon to relax and thank her as he retreated into the library. She could remember being young and sneaking to the kitchen from time to time - it was strange to her that the dragon would sneak breakfast, but then he wasn’t exactly a pony, was he? It could be perfectly normal. Moments later, a sleepy looking purple unicorn came into view. “ Good morning.” she said in a mild Canterlot accent. “ Sorry, I just woke up. Spike said you needed me to cast a spell?” “ Perhaps several - we are investigating the story of a Guardspony who claims to have apprehend a crazed pony in town during the night.” “ Oh my!” exclaimed Twilight, snapping fully awake. “ What happened?” “ ...at this point, I don’t feel safe giving any sort of explanation.” said Helm, gesturing to the windmill. Twilight Sparkle’s jaw fell. “..oooookay, I’ve got just the spell to answer out questions.” said Twilight, gesturing for Helm and Tongs to enter. “ I’ve actually been looking for an excuse to try it. It’s pretty cool - it will send our souls back in time so we can watch what happened, but we won’t be able to change anything - and nopony will be able to tell we’re there.” Helm’s jaw fell. “ Y-you can do that?” exclaimed the captain, stunned. “ I’m no unicorn, but that sounds amazingly complicated!” “ Actually, it’s only a simple Soul Jar spell and a bit of temporal wabbajabba.” said Twilight Sparkle with a shrug. Helm looked at Tongs. Tongs mouthed “ Celestia’s Number One Student” and gestured to a plaque that said the same thing. Helm sighed - this was getting a little crazy. “ Okay, so when do - !” Helm turned and was about to ask when the spell would be cast when she felt the world grow cold and watched her body fall to the ground. There was suddenly a great gust of wind and the world spun away, the library vanishing and slowly becoming replaced with...the library. But the clock indicated it was lunchtime the previous day. “ Okay, that worked.” said Helm, looking at her translucent leg. “ Whoops, that wasn’t supposed to cast so quickly.” said Twilight sheepishly. “ Guess I put too much juice into it. But, we’re alive, sorta, and we’re in the past! Lets get started!” “...well, Hammer, the guard who made the arrest, said his story started when he heard singing coming from a cafe...” said Helm, glancing out the window. “ I wonder which one he meant?” Suddenly, the Library reverberated as the sound of heavy metal filled the air. ~She who makes a bartender out of herself ~ Gets to make her marefriend a free Manehattan “ ...guess that answers that.” muttered Helm, floating through the wall. Twilight and Tongs followed as the spirt ponies found the source of the singing at the bar in the cafe across the street. A gryphon had booted the now-sulking bartender out and was starting a Musical Number. There was no sign of Hammer yet. Taking a huge swig from a bottle of hard liquior, the gryphon began to belt her song as she mixed a number of drinks. ~Add ry-yy-ye to the cocktail I cry-ye, ~It’ll keep you warm in winter, on barren empty nights. ~No Oasis or cheap beer here, only the finest of whiskey. ~Can’t you help me - your drinks starting to burn (on purpose) ~Too many doses and I’m starting to get an addiction ~Liquid confidence never leaves me on my own (all alone) ~Nopony can save me ( though the mailmare’s got my attention) At this, Helm caught sight of the cheering mail pegaus in the corner. She fit the description of the mailmare from Hammer’s story - she was the significant other of the gryphon and supposed target of the psychotic pony. ~Next, add sweet vermouth but not the bitters - ~fortified with grape for the basewine ~Make sure to stir until it’s completely mixed ~Now add the bitters and get ready to set free! “ Oh, I get it!” said Tongs, letting out a laugh. “ It’s Bat Country! She’s singing to the tune of Bat Country!” “ Man, I have no idea what music is like anymore.” sighed Twilight, shaking her head. “ Oh, hey! Who’s that!” She gestured and Helm caught sight of Hammer arriving upon the scene. Looking cold in the winter gusts the pegasus, sans-armor as he was on leave, landed in by the cafe. He’d obviously been following the sound of the gryphons voice and smiled as he peeked in. At that point, the gryphon downed eight shots of something, ended the musical number (though Tongs hoof was still tapping) and dove at the mailmare, catching her in a deep kiss. Hammers’s eyes were as wide as dinner plates as the cafe cheered. After that, the pegasus stumbled away from the cafe and eventually found his way into a nearby bar. He seemed disappointed - and, as he had obviously been expecting to see a ladyfriend and had instead found out she had somepony else, it was perfectly understandable. Grumbling, he ordered a beer. “ Okay, that means ...” said Helm, looking to the door. A moment later, it burst open to let in a flurry of snow, a gryphon, and the blushing mailmare held tightly to her side. “ Okay, here’s what’s going to go down.” said Helm, drawing Twilight and Tongs close. “ They sit down by him and the gryphon - “ “ Her names Gilda.” said Twilight. “ Gilda, then, notices Hammer. She recognizes him from before - “ “ When Pinkie Pie tried to kill Gilda with a bomb and blew up her cave.” said Twilight. “ I was, um, there.” “...anyways, she’s had plenty to drink and is looking for more. The mailmare - Ditzy Doo, right?” Helm stopped for Twilight to nod, showing the unicorn that Helm knew some names of the involved. “ Ditzy’s done with her route and joins. They get fairly drunk for the next few hours before stumbling to someponies cottage for some sort of party.” “ Party...oh, oh no.” said Twilight, face scrunching up. “ A party...means Pinkie Pie would skulk around. And my friend Applejack told me that Fluttershy had bought drinks for some sort of party yesterday.” “ Hey- hey, no listen!” screeched the inembriated Gilda. “ Later, later theres this thing! With Flutterbuttershy, at her, um, thing! She’s gonna have booze!” “ Woo!” whooped Ditzy, falling off her stool. “ You’re hot. You should come.” lisped Gilda, grabbing Hammer's flank and causing him to let out a little "eep!". Helm, Tongs, and Twilight looked away as his wings sprung up. “ Okay, more than I wanted to know about Gilda.” said Twilight, gesturing for them to go outside. “...even if I did walk in on her and Ditzy already.” “...care to explain?” asked Helm, wincing. This was getting convultued. “...well, um, after...Gilda’s cave was blown up...she’s been staying at the library. And yesterday...I walked in on her and Ditzy...nuzzling each others wings.” “ Oh, damn.” said Tongs, his ghost-wings popping up. “...well, lets get to this cottage.” sighed Helm, wishing she knew less about the situation she was trying to learn more of. “ Okay, theres Pinkie Pie.” said Twilight, idicating the pink earth pony that was, in fact, the prisoner that Hammer had brought back. She was helping Fluttershy and Angel bake a cake and clean Fluttershy’s cottage. The two mares had been chatting happily and things seemed idylic - but as a knock came from the front door and another drunken “woo!” filled the air, it was obvious things were about to get bad quickly. Pinkie Pie hid as Fluttershy opened the door and the polyamourus gryphon pounced her, sending them rolling through the house as Hammer, carrying Ditzy Doo on his back, trotted in and set her down. She hiccuped and laughed as Fluttershy simultaneously screeched in fear and joy. What happened in the kitchen, however, was more interesting. From a criminal standpoint. Angel Bunny produced a tazer and shocked Pinkie Pie. A moment later her mane and tail fell flat and a wild look took to her eyes. “...oh, crud. That was the electroshock spell being overridden!” said Twilight in alarm. “ Um, last time Pinkie went crazy, we fixed her with a spell.” “ Oh, wow, that’s a relief!” she cackled as the bunny hopped in front of her. “ Thanks! They shut my brain off! I wasn’t able to think right anymore!” Angel Bunny rolled his eyes, then gestured to the living room where Fluttershy was being mercilessly tickled by Gilda. “ Oooooooooh, that meanie! She’s hurting Fluttershy!” gasped Pinkie Pie. “ Angel, get your shotgun! We’re going hunting for jerks!” Before Pinkie could move, however, the bunny grabbed her hoof. He made a gesture to calm down, then a number of others. “ Ooh, I getcha. Be subtle. Don’t get caught. Kill then while they sleep and sell their heads on the internet. Don’t get caught.” cackled Pinkie Pie, nodding. Angel Bunny got an evil smirk that seemed to say “ We’re going to make a great team.” To his horror, a moment later Pinkie Pie grabbed an axe and turned to where Helm, Twilight, and Tongs floated. “ But first! Guillotine the Ghosties!” “ Run for it!” shouted Twilight, dashing for the living room. “ She’s got crazy powers and she’s crazy!” At the sight of a pony capeable of tearing souls from their bodies and ripping time asunder fleeing for her life, Helm and Tongs joined in the rout instantly. “ Oh, crap, is that Pinkie?” said Gilda, sitting up and blinking with some difficulty as they raced past. A moment later she noticed the axe Pinkie was swinging wildly. “ I love being subtle!” shouted the psyco-pony, charging the drunk - and in Fluttershy’s case, tickled stupid - ponies with a maniacal grin. From there, things got a little nuts. The fight spilled outside, axes and bottles were traded for a garbage can lid, two decorative birdfeeders used as nun-chucks, and a Tazemaster 5k that was used liberally on everything in sight. Inertia built as a trio of passing-by Diamond Dogs joined in the ruckus, causing the fight to change direction towards ponyville. One thing led to another, a windmill was flown around town while airsiren’s roared and a toaster oven was used to launch burning strudel about with reckless abandon, and at some point somepony punched the Mayor. Hours later, Pinkie Pie was defeated by the local’s as she realized she’d long since lost sight of Gilda, Hammer, Ditzy, and Fluttershy, who had hidden themselves in a treehouse and done the sensible thing and banged. And banged. And banged. Suffice to say, Helm was going to be very uncomfortable next time she saw Hammer now that she knew exactly why he had the scratches. And the missing teeth - Fluttershy had at one point had a bit of a spasm while his snout was someplace...dangerous. When the spell faded and their spirits returned to their bodies, it was all the three ponies could do to stand there awkwardly. “ Well, I guess...we should go.” said Helm, looking to the door. “ Uh, yeah.” said Twilight, rubbing her mane with one hoof. “ I guess...I need to go see if Gilda slept here last night. And hose off anything she touched. Also, um, Pinkie Pie’s going to need a lawyer...tell her to call me.” “ Will do.” said Helm with a nod. “ Tongs, come on.” The pegasi turned and exited the library, taking to the air and leaving Ponyville below. “...you know, on my next weekend pass...” said Tongs, biting his tounge a little as he looked back. “ I think I might come around here.” “...me too.” sighed Captain Helm.