//------------------------------// // Now That We're Men // Story: G5 Adventures in The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie // by ponydog127 //------------------------------// SpongeBob Squarepants, Patrick Star, the twin sea-unicorns and the Equestrians had lost the Patty Wagon to the jaws of a frogfish, and had to cross a dangerous, monster-infested trench in order to reach the road on the other side. But that left the question of how. “It’s too dangerous to fly or swim across,” Zipp said. “You saw what happened to the frogfish.” “Hey, guys, look!” Patrick pointed toward a flight of stairs leading down into the trench.. “Here’s the way down.” “Good thinking, Patrick!” Pipp smiled. “This ought to get us down there nice and easy!” Pipp put a hoof on the staircase, leading right into the trench, but a monster growling made her stop. Patrick was shocked at first, but moved Pipp aside proceeded to step on it over and over, making more and more growling sounds. “Hey, look, it's making noise. SpongeBob?” “He’s… over there,” Hitch said in surprise, watching as Tropic and SpongeBob were going in the opposite direction, their shoulders slumped and frowns on their faces. “Hey, where are you going?” Patrick cried as the whole group rushed to catch up with them. “We’re going home, Patrick,” Tropic said. “There’s no way we can get down those stairs without being eaten alive, so… what’s the point?” “You’re quitting? But… SpongeBob… you guys never quit!” Sunny said. “What about Mr. Krabs?” “What about us?” SpongeBob shouted. “Tropic is right. We’ll never survive in that trench. Pat said it himself, this is man’s country. And let’s face it, Sunny. We’re just… kids.” “We’re not kids, we’re far from it! Kids would never have been able to make it this far!” Arctic said. “OPEN YOUR EYES, ARCTIC!!” cried SpongeBob in his frustration, grabbing the little sea-unicorn by the shoulders, scaring her slightly before letting go. “We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream. We worship a dancing peanut, for corn’s sake! We don’t belong out here!” “We do not worship him,” Patrick huffed. SpongeBob pulled down Patrick’s shorts, causing the group to see he was wearing Goofy Goober underpants. “AGH!!” Pipp shrieked. “MY EYES!!” SpongeBob decided to ignore that for now and turned to his best friend. “Patrick, you’ve been wearing the same Goofy Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight! What do you call that?!” “Worship?” Patrick sobbed. “You’re right, SpongeBob. We are kids!” “Patrick, no…!” Misty tried to convince him, but Patrick sobbed and ran off but he fell down as his shorts were still down around his ankles. “Guys, we can still do this!” Sunny tried to encourage. “We can still get to Shell City and get the crown back.” “Maybe you can, Sunny… but we can’t,” SpongeBob frowned. “You guys defeated an evil alicorn, for corn’s sake. We can’t even do this right.” Not letting anymore room for arguments in the conversation, he turned back to the twins and Patrick. “Pull your pants up, Patrick… we’re taking the twins and we’re going home.” “But you can’t go home!” Everyone looked up to see Princess Mindy and Princess Riverstream in a seahorse drawn carriage in front of them, making Misty gasp in surprise. “River! Mindy!” “Mindy?!” Patrick exclaimed, quickly pulling up his pants, only to fall down again. “How much did you hear?” Sunny worriedly asked, and Riverstream sighed as they got down from the carriage. “We heard enough.” “Did you see my underwear?” Patrick asked, pulling his pants up. “No, Patrick,” Mindy spoke. “Did you want to?”  “They’re not really listening to you, are they?” Mindy asked the ponies with a frown. “No… we tried to convince them to come with us and get the crown,” said Hitch, “but they think that being kids makes them unable to do this. We don’t know what else to do.” “Let me handle this,” Mindy told the group before turning to SpongeBob, Patrick and the twins. “Look, guys, you may be kids, but you’re the only ones left who can get that crown.” “Wait…” Arctic said, stopping her. “What do you mean the only ones left?” “Things have gotten a lot worse since you left Bikini Bottom,” Riverstream explained, just as Mindy brought out a giant clam shell. “Or should I say, Planktopolis!” When Mindy opened the shell, a light temporarily blinded the group before a magical image of Bikini Bottom appeared inside, all the bucket-headed slaves building Bikini Bottom to Plankton’s liking. “No resting!” Plankton ordered them, snapping a whip. “This monument celebrating my glory isn’t gonna build itself! Work faster!” The ponies gasped in horror at the fact that Plankton could do such harm, and Sunny and Misty looked beyond hurt. “Oh my gosh!” Arctic shrieked. “Guys, look! Plankton’s turned everyone we know into slaves! Even the seaponies!” “Squidward… Sandy… Mrs. Puff… even Gary!” SpongeBob named off several that came into his vision. “Meow Plankton,” Gary meowed robotically. “Can’t your father do something?” Tropic asked Mindy before turning to Riverstream. “Or your sister?” Mindy only sighed with a shrug. “My father’s too distracted by his bald spot to do anything, and Skygrace is trying to keep him from doing anything too drastic.” Turns out Mindy wasn’t kidding, as the magical clam then showed Neptune’s bald spot about to be sprayed by the squire with hair growth spray. “Squire, will you hurry?” the king asked. The squire nervously closed his eyes and accidentally sprayed Neptune’s eyes, which grew hair, making Neptune cry in pain. “So you see, you can’t quit,” Mindy insisted. “The fate of Bikini Bottom rests in your hands.”  “See, guys? This is why you can’t quit!” Riverstream tried to encourage. “Your friends need you, WE need you!” “But… But we’re just…” SpongeBob pleaded. “Hey. It doesn’t matter if you’re kids,” Riverstream continued. “What’s so wrong with being a kid, anyway? Kids rule!” “You don’t need to be a man to do this,” Mindy told SpongeBob as she swam up into higher waters, leading them to look up. “You just gotta beeeeeeeelieve!” “I believe,” SpongeBob said quietly, and this caused Sunny and the others to smile in relief. “That's the spirit!” Misty encouraged, but SpongeBob wasn't finished. “...I believe that… everybody I know is a goner!” Both SpongeBob and Patrick burst into tears, and this caused everyone to reel back… that wasn't supposed to happen. “Come on, guys,” Mindy said. But SpongeBob and Patrick were inconsolable, crying in hysterics. “Um… guys?” Hitch called. Their crying got so bad, they started spraying tears into each other’s mouths. “Ew!” Pipp and Zipp groaned in disgust. This was gonna be a loooong day… they just knew it. What seemed like an eternity later, SpongeBob and Patrick were rocking on the cold cement road-- and still crying, making it seem like a word water record. “How long have they been crying?” Izzy asked, and Hitch checked his phone's clock. “About 30 minutes.” “Oh boy,” Mindy mumbled to herself. “Hmm… Think, Mindy, think.” “Hey, here’s an idea,” Zipp said. “Why don’t we just go on without them and make them look like heroes if they hold the crown when we return?” “But that wouldn’t be fair to them, Zipp,” Sunny frowned. “Just because these guys are… young at heart… it doesn’t mean we just abandon ‘em like that.” “Even if we did go on ahead, there’s nowhere for them to go,” Hitch pointed out. “Unless they wanna get eaten.”  It was then, while the gang weighed their options, Mindy suddenly came up with an idea. “Actually, Zipp is right.” “Huh?” the ponies, Riverstream and twins chorused in confusion-- even SpongeBob and Patrick looked at her. “A couple of kids could never survive this journey,” Mindy continued, but this caused SpongeBob and Patrick to look at each other and start crying again, but Mindy was secretly formulating a plan. “That’s why I guess I’ll just have to turn you into men!” Immediately, smiles spread across their faces, and they zipped toward her, knocking Izzy and Misty down in the process.  “You can do that?” SpongeBob asked. “How?” “With my mermaid magic,” Mindy said with dazzle. “Mermaid what?” Hitch and Sunny murmured quietly, only for Riverstream to shush them before they gave away their plan. “Did you hear that, Patrick?” SpongeBob asked excitedly. “She’ll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men!”  “Hooray!” SpongeBob and Patrick cried, before jumping up and down and singing. “We’re gonna be men! We’re gonna be men! We’re gonna be men!” “Wait… did I really give you the idea?” Zipp asked. “You sure did,” Riverstream winked. “Just wait. You’ll see what we mean.” “Good. Now, let’s get started,” Mindy said, turning to the duo. “Close your eyes.” “Are we men yet?” SpongeBob asked once they did so. “Not yet,” Riverstream said. “Um… spin around three times…” “I think it’s working!” SpongeBob giggled as he and Patrick started doing twirls on their tippy toes. “Good. Now, keep your eyes shut,” Mindy said, swimming over to a patch of seaweed and plucking some of it from the ground before she swam back over to the duo. “With my mermaid magic and my one tailfin,” she spoke as Patrick giggled and she attached the seaweed to their faces. “I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes!” “Do you really think this will work?” Sunny whispered to Hitch, feeling guilty for tricking their friends. “Only one way to find out,” Hitch shrugged. SpongeBob and Patrick opened their eyes yet feeling slightly puzzled. “I don’t feel any…” SpongeBob stopped, upon seeing Patrick’s ‘mustache’. “Oh, my gosh, Patrick, you have a mustache!”  “So do you!” Patrick gasped. “Wow!” SpongeBob and Patrick play with each other’s “mustaches”. Izzy and Pipp, along with the twins, tried to keep straight faces, but were amused at how happy and silly they were. “So now that you’re men, can you make it to Shell City?” But SpongeBob and Patrick were too busy adoring their ‘mustaches’. “Guys!” Mindy called, getting their attention. “I said, now that you’re men, can ya make it to Shell City?” “Heck, yeah!” SpongeBob and Patrick cried out. “Are men afraid of anything?” “Heck no!” “And why?” “Because we’re invincible!” “Wait, what?!” Tropic shouted, but she and her sister were grabbed by SpongeBob and Patrick before they leapt off the edge of the cliff. “WHOO-HOO!!” “I never said that!” Mindy cried down to them. “Don’t worry, Mindy-- we’ll get ‘em… and hopefully before they get killed!” Sunny said before she and her friends went down the stairs to reach the bottom before their friends did. XXXXXXXXX SpongeBob, Patrick and the twins continued to fall at a very rapid pace. But at the heat of the moment, neither one of the boys, cared about anything. With their newfound ‘mustaches’, all was right in the world as they performed a set of ‘tough guy’ moves. As soon as the thrill was gone, SpongeBob looked down and his eyes widened when he realized what they had done. “Patrick?” “Yeah, buddy?” “Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?” Unfortunately, Patrick didn’t have the answer. Finally, they both look down and just noticed the very bottom was rushing up to meet them-- really, really fast! The four hugged each other, closing their eyes, and screaming as they were falling toward their doom. Sunny and her friends had reached the bottom, and witnessed their friends falling to the ground. “I got this!” Hitch said, slamming his hooves into the ground, which caused a branch come out directly under their falling friends, slowing their fall before they landed. While SpongeBob and the twins stopped screaming, looking around their surroundings, Patrick just kept screaming. “Patrick!” Arctic cried, stopping her friend’s screaming. “Huh. Are we dead?” “No! Far from it, my friend,” SpongeBob replied with a smile. “We’re safe and sound at the bottom of this trench.” Looking around, the group wouldn’t exactly call this place safe. They could hear a whole horde of monsters growling and roaring in the distance, bones littered the ground, and the only direction they had to go on was a single sign pointing further into the trench. “Oh, yeah...” Misty gulped. “Really safe.” However, the only ones that didn’t seem nervous at all were SpongeBob and Patrick. “The mustaches worked!” Patrick said happily. “You know what this means?” SpongeBob asked before the two struck their hero-like poses. “We are invincible!” “I ju-- oh… let ‘em have the moment,” Hitch sighed to his friends with a smile. “Come on-- we still have a long way to go.” “Right behind you, Mr. Hitch!” Tropic chirped. As the group moved throughout the trench, SpongeBob and Patrick began to sing as they faced countless dangers, only saved by some sheer luck. SpongeBob and Patrick: Now that we’re men We can do anything Now that we’re men We are invincible Now that we’re men We’ll go to Shell City Get the crown, save the town and Mr. Krabs! Now that we’re men… SpongeBob: We have facial hair Both: Now that we’re men Patrick: I changed my underwear Both: Now that we’re men We got a manly flare We got the stuff, we’re tough enough To save the day! We never had a chance when we were kids No, no, no But take a look at what the mermaid did Ha ha ha! They soon approaced a seemingly normal road, which turns out to be a big, blue, one-eyed angler fish’s fin, as enormous fish surrounded the group. Everywhere they turned, the scariest predators they had ever seen loomed over them. But then the gang heard a noise and turned as SpongeBob and Patrick started dancing and slapping their bodies, as if doing the Hambone. The monsters seemed most intrigued with this, and watched wide eyed as they finished their dance, seeing no reason to harm the group any further. Monsters: HOORAY!! Now that they’re men We can’t bother them Now that they’re men They have become our friends Now that they’re men There’ll be a happy end They’ll pass the test and finish the quest For the crown They’ll pass the test (slapping) And finish the quest (slapping) They’ll pass the test and finish the quest For the crown! By the end of the song, they reached the end of the trench, where a sign lay dead ahead. “Shell City, dead ahead!” Tropic smiled as the monsters cheered for them wildly. “We did it, guys! We made it past everything!” “Even the hideous, disgusting monsters!” SpongeBob chirped, unintentionally hurting the monsters’ feelings. “Not you guys!” Arctic called out with waves, even though she was ignored. “You guys are awesome!” “Well, everyone,” Cookie declared, “I think we should be there in one more verse!” SpongeBob and Patrick: Now that we're men “Finally.” This sudden voice caused the group to freeze, and there Dennis stood alongside his motorcycle and cracking his knuckles. “I got you right where I want you…” “S-Sunny...” Arctic trembled, and Sunny sheltered the twins behind her as Dennis approached. “Can we help you with something, sir?” “Name’s Dennis,” the bounty hunter answered. “I was hired to exterminate you.” “You’re gonna exterminate us?” SpongeBob said fearfully. He and Patrick looked at each other for a moment… before bursting out laughing for a few moments. “Listen, junior, I don’t know who you’re working for, but you caught me and my friends here in a good mood today,” SpongeBob said, catching his breath. “So I’m gonna let you off with a warning, since obviously you don’t know who you’re dealing with here.” “SpongeBob, I-I-I don’t think this guy is messing around,” Zipp said as Pipp his behind her older sister slightly. “Oh-ho, that’s silly, Zipp,” SpongeBob brushed off the pup before turning back to Dennis. “Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.” “You mean these?” Dennis reached out and ripped the boys’ fake mustaches off of their faces. SpongeBob and Patrick whimpered while feeling their cheeks in horror. “I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.” He threw the seaweed down to the ground and smashed it, and SpongeBob and Patrick looked on with wide eyes. “They were… fake?” SpongeBob asked. “Of course they were fake!” Dennis snapped. “This is what a real mustache looks like.” For a brief moment, Dennis unmasked himself, clenching his face until he turned purple ans a bushy mustache pushed through the skin over his upper lip. “Is he a mermaid?” Patrick asked. “All right,” Dennis snapped, folding his bandana back. “Enough gab!” “W-W-Wha… what are you gonna do to us?” Bella gulped as they shook fearfully. “Plankton was very specific,” Dennis answered, and Misty and Izzy looked at each other. “Plankton?” they asked. “For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.” “Step on us? Is he serious?” Zipp deadpanned. “Yeah! That way you’ll never find out he stole the crown!” SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other again, this time more scared-- their suspicions had been confirmed. “Uh… perhaps I’ve said too much.” Dennis lifts his boot and the group gasped as long spikes popped out. He held his foot over the boys, as they stood trembling with fear. “That’s a big boot!” Patrick cried out. With that, the twins and their new friends stood in front of their friends, defensive mode activated. “If you’re gonna stomp our friends, you have to take us out too!” Hitch declared. “We won’t let you hurt them!” Misty added furiously. “Yeah!” Pipp barked. “Pick on someone your own size, you big brute!” “Hmph… I was going to save you weirdos for later,” Dennis spoke. “But, what the barnacle? I’ll take you all out. Don’t worry, this’ll only hurt a lot!” The exterminator laughed and laughed maniacally. “I love this job!” Izzy and Misty lit their horns to activate a shield, and just as Dennis was about to stomp on the group, a giant shadow loomed behind him and… WHAM!! A humongous giant boot squashed Dennis flat. “Bigger boot!” Patrick screamed. “Wait, Pat!” Arctic stopped him. “This bigger boot saved our necks!” “Yay!” Patrick cheered. “Thank you, stranger!” SpongeBob and Patrick chorused politely. They all looked up toward the owner of the boot-- a giant scuba diver breathing heavily over them. “Uh… stranger?” SpongeBob spoke. The scary giant did not reply. But he did move closer, until he towered over the group with his one… GIANT… glaring eye. “IT’S THE CYCLOPS!!!” SpongeBob screamed. “EVERYONE!!” Sunny cried out. “SWIM AND RUN, SWIM AND RUN!!!” The group bolted away as fast as their fins and legs were able to take them while screaming in terror, but it was all for naught. With his big boots clomping on the ground, the Cyclops rushed down and swooped SpongeBob, Patrick and their girls in his strong grip. “Hey! Let them go!” Misty shot several lasers at the cyclops. “Come on, ponies! We have to help them!” But before they could make a movement, the Cyclops stuffed them in a giant burlap sack. Everyone screamed in terror until their lungs eventually gave out, causing them to fall unconscious and become vulnerable to whatever the cyclops had up his sleeve.