//------------------------------// // Anon has a tank // Story: Adventures of thestral Anon // by ImNew2023 //------------------------------// Inside the Necromancer Council’s chamber, the strongest among their ranks had met to discuss their current situation. “We’re in the heartland of Equestria, now is the perfect chance to expand. In a few months we could overthrow the Princesses and take the continent for ourselves” one of them said. “No Night Wraith” Rosa stated. The council was taken aback by their de facto leader’s words. “What’s the matter Rosa? Scared that your Papa may get mad?” Night Wraith said mockingly. “No, are you fools too blind to see it? We’re surrounded on all sides, dependent on his empire for resources and protection. Even with all our might we can’t fight the whole of Equestria” Rosa explained. “Then what are our options?” Another lich asked. “All we can do now is play along with his game, and hope we can find an opening in his plans” Rosa explained. “Now onto the next topic, the vampires are complaining again about” Rosa said before taking a look at the clipboard with the day’s agenda on it. “Big teet goth mares hurassing them” she read out. “Can’t they just eat them?” Night Wraith asked. “Apparently not, they lose their appetite when their food is into it” Rosa explained. … “Anon, get out of the tank,” Cadence demanded. “You’re not my dad” Anon informed her. Confused why he’d even suggest she thinks she is, Cadence spread her wings and flew onto the top of the tank. “Ok, I’ll rephrase that. Anon, WHY are you in the tank?” Cadence asked. Now stood on a twelve foot tall, twelve foot wide and thirty three foot long armoured tank, Cadence looked down at Anon. Whose head was popping out the commander’s hatch. “Better question, why AREN'T YOU in a tank? Take your pick” Anon offered. Parked by the larger tank were a series of smaller tanks ranging from light to medium. “Anon that’s not the answer and you know it” Cadence stated. Having almost reached her daily Anon limit. And it was only ten in the morning. “Well you know how my mother-in-law came for the wedding?” Anon asked. “Yes?” Cadence asked. “Well she’s still here,” Anon explained. Cream Heart’s mother never liked Anon, and she was very vocal about it. “And… What does this have to do with the tank?” Cadence asked, wondering what part of this giant military machine had to do with it. “Well officially Tirek is the reason for me being here. He got uncomfortably close to destroying my nice clean Empire so I’m militarising. But in reality I’m avoiding that bitch-queen until she leaves. Plus tanks are fun” Anon explained. Ok that explained a lot. “Anon, you can’t live in a tank” Cadence informed him. “Oh on the contrary, it’s really spacious here” Anon stated. “That’s because it’s nearly three times the height of the average pony. How is this thing even supposed to be useful on a battlefield? It's a massive target” Cadence argued, bringing the size of the machine into question. “Hence the 128mm cannon and eight inches of hull armour” Anon pointed out the huge cannon pointing out of the main turret. Next to it was a smaller 75mm cannon. “Please tell me you don’t plan to use this thing” she asked, her voice becoming worried. “Nah don’t worry, these things will only see action if the Empire gets attacked, or Equestria gets attacked, or if Grover gets attacked, or the communists are involved” Anon explained. That didn’t put Cadence at ease. Unfortunately before she could explain further why spending vast amounts of money on military posturing for the sake of hiding from his mother-in-law was financially irresponsible, a guard interrupted them. “Forgive me your majesty but your mother-in-law is coming this way” he warned. “Right, talk to you later Cadence” Anon said before disappearing into the tank and closing the hatch. Walking into the storage room the tanks were held in. An older looking mare resembling a grey maned Cream Heart looked around. Her cutie mark resembling a heart with several flowers around it. Trotting over, Cadence chose to greet her in Anon’s place. “Hello Lush Heart, how may I help you?” She said politely. Bowing in front of the Princess of Love, Lush Heart smiled at Cadence. “Forgive me for the intrusion your highness, I was just looking for that no-good son-in-law of mine,” she explained, showing no regard for how she talked about Anon. It took a full two seconds before Cadence chose whether or not to tell her Anon was in the tank. “I haven’t seen him all day I’m afraid” Cadence lied. Lush Heart grumbled a little “typical, never around when he’s needed. Say, would you do me the honour of joining Cream and I for some tea?” Lush invited. “I’d be delighted” Cadence accepted as the two started walking out of the room. Unknown to the two mares, the turret of the tank Anon was hidden in was slowly moving to face them. Its main cannon aimed directly at Lush Heart. “Come on, let me do it!” Anon grunted as he tried to wrestle the heavy shell from Spike’s grasp. “Anon no! I know she’s annoying but you might hit Cadence!” Spike said. Seeing the baby dragon’s 300 IQ logic, Anon relented. Allowing Spike to return the shell (that was much larger than his body) to ammo storage. Sat in the small kitchen they had managed to fit in the large vehicle, the two enjoyed a pot of tea and some crackers. “Sorry you couldn’t come with us to Las Pegasus buddy” Anon apologised. Twilight lets him get away with a lot but taking a baby dragon to a casino wasn’t one of them. “It’s ok, I’m not into that stuff anyways, plus I had fun foal sitting, even if it did take me a day to unreverse my colour pallet” Spike admitted. Still curious how String Theory turned him green with purple spikes instead of purple with green spikes. But it was pointless trying to figure her out at this point. “Yeah, I’ve created a monster, an adorable monster,” Anon chuckled. The two enjoyed their chat for another hour, speaking about random gibberish until an actual topic popped back up. “So how’s married life?” Spike asked. “It’s been great, well it’s mostly the same as before but it's just… FEELS better somehow. Although that may be down to the fact that ever since we hired Pinkie to help take care of the kids Cream and I have been having even more rough, hardcore se-“ Anon monologues before Spike shoving another cup of tea in his face. “Hey thanks man,” Anon thanked. Spike let out a sigh, resting his head in his claw while looking dreamily at nothing. “I wish me and Rarity had that kind of relationship,” he said. Putting his cup down, Anon calmed his nerves. Knowing now was the time to give our little simp ‘the talk’ “Spike, have you ever considered maybe there’s a REASON you and Rarity aren’t coltfriend and marefriend?“ Anon asked. Spike tilted his head, unable to figure out what Anon was trying to get at. “Do… Do you think she’s not into dragons?” He asked. Facehoofing himself Anon realised this was going to be harder than he thought. “Because I’m sure I could get Twilight to turn me into a pony like she did you if it would help” Spike said. “Spike, that's not the answer” Anon stated. “Then what do I have to do!?” He asked, standing up in frustration. “Nothing, Spike a time comes in every man… it colt… or baby dragon’s life that they have to admit when they’ve lost” Anon stated. “But I love Rarity! Everything about her makes me feel all warm inside” Spike said. “I know but sometimes love is a one way road, take it from someone who’s outside looking in. You can spend years pining for Rarity but it’s not going to work. You’re a literal child and she’s a fully grown mare. What’s your master plan? Keep gushing over her until you’re an adult?” Anon asked, becoming more firm in talking to the dragon. “If that’s what it takes!” Spike shot back. “Spike if you can get Rarity to like you back I’ll give you enough gems to give you every type of diabetes, which I refuse to believe is real but if it was you’d have it” Anon bet. “You have a bet! Wait, you don’t think diabetes is real?” Spike asked, his anger vanishing for a second. “If it's real, why is it so hard to spell?” Anon asked. “It’s not that hard,” Spike commented. “The point I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t spend your childhood chasing a girl who’s WAY too old for you. If you call it quits you’ll find a girl your own age who’ll like you back. It’s at least worth a try, if it fails Rarity’s still gonna be here” Anon argued. “Then how come you get to be married to a mare who’s ten years older than you?” Spike pointed out. “That’s simple, I’m an adult. If you and Rarity had sex she’d go to prison, if me and Cream have sex I get high fives from everyone who finds out” Anon explained “we are not the same” he added. Interrupting the massive pile of Spike shaped foreshadowing, the two heard a clunk noise come from the top of the tank. “She found me. Spike, get the guns” Anon ordered, pointing at the locked metal box saying “rifles”  Instead of doing that, Spike climbed up and opened the hatch. “Is she there?” Anon asked, wielding a wrench with intent to kill. “Well there’s A she, just not Cream’s mom” Spike said climbing down the hatch. Unlike when he went up, Spike was now covered in foals. Albus, Strong Tooth and String Theory to be precise.  “How the hell did they get up there?” Anon asked. “Maybe they snuck out of their nursery. We should probably get them back” Spike suspected. “Yes, that would be the responsible thing to do” Anon said, managing to pull Strong Tooth off of Spike’s drool soaked head. “Oooooor~” Anon added mischievously. … “Bah!” Albus said as he pressed a big red button, sending another shell firing out the cannon, annihilating another tree. “Yay!” Anon said as Albus giggled in his arms. A few miles west, Anon, Spike, Button, Cream’s dad Fluffy Bonce and his kids had been blowing stuff to bits in the tank for close to an hour. “These kids got amazing aim, reminds me of my days back as a merc in Griffonia,” Fluff said, impressed that all four of the kids had destroyed their targets with maximum efficiency and maximum cuteness. “I have never been so proud of anyone in my life” Anon agreed, wiping a tear away from his eye. “Thanks for letting us come, Anon” Button thanked, having taken out a few trees himself once Anon and Fluffy showed him the controls. “Yeah I should thank you too, firing off a giant cannon makes me feel young again” Fluffy thanked. “And thank you for being way way cooler than I thought you’d be” Anon thanked. “And what is that supposed to mean?” He asked. “Well if you weren’t this cool you wouldn’t have let your grandkids get into a tank” Anon explained. Suddenly, for the second time today, a noise came from outside the tank. “Yo Anon! Our race still on or what!?” The familiar voice of Rainbow Dash called out. “Dang it Rainbow I’m having family time here” Anon said as he popped his head out of the command hatch. “Come on Anon, I've been waiting months for this race!” Button almost begged. “Yeah, I’ve been training 20% harder to kick your butt” Rainbow backed him up. And like that Anon’s investment in Button’s opinion of him and his ego were both challenged. “Hey kids you wanna see Papa fly circles around Auntie Dashie?” Anon asked confidently. Getting excited noises from Albus and the Twins, Anon smirks at Dash. “First one to Celly’s old place and back wins” Anon said. “Deal!” Rainbow agreed. After careful calculations Anon came to the conclusion he couldn’t win the race inside his tank. Therefore he got out of it. Making a starting line in the dirt, Anon and Rainbow readied to race off. “Alright, on your mark, get set, go!” Spike yelled. Shooting off over the Everfree, Anon and Rainbow continually overtook each other every couple seconds.  Feeling the wind flow over them, the two racers searched the horizon for the Castle of the Two Sisters. Slowly at first, then quickly it came into sight. Seeing it, Anon dived down towards it, moving like a shell being fired at its target. Clicking onto it, Rainbow dived as well. While he had a head start, Anon was quickly overtaken by Rainbow. The flyer’s greater speed makes a clear difference. Beating Anon to the castle, Rainbow was forced to pull up in order to avoid hitting the ruins. Soaring away in the opposite direction from where she approached before looping back. Anon on the other hand-hoof, began flapping his leathery wings hard once he started approaching the castle. Managing to pull up close enough his hooves could touch the entrance to the gates, Anon started racing back to the starting line ahead of Rainbow. “Not today Anon!” Rainbow called out. Flapping her wings faster and faster, Rainbow quickly built up enough momentum to close the distance. As the two approached the finish line Rainbow’s speed only got faster and faster until- BOOM For miles in every direction you could see a sonic rainboom shining over the Everfree. “HAHA! FUCK YOU RAINBOW, AMERICA WINS A- OH SHIIIII-“ he yelled out before the shockwave of the rain-boom hit him. Before the light engulfed him, Anon could see Rainbow zoom past him, crossing the finish line and winning by a landslide. … Later, once again in the royal hospital. Anon laid on his stomach while his wings were sealed in plaster. “And what have we learnt?” Twilight asked in the tone of a mother scolding her foal. “Don’t challenge the mare who can break the sound barrier to a race” Anon said, using a very grumpy tone. “And don’t you forget it” Rainbow said cockily, while holding a get well soon balloon and a “I’m sorry” greeting card. “Yeah well you’re a bottom for Spitfire so I still win” Anon stated, making the pegasus go bright red. “Why you! Let me at em!” Rainbow said, rage in her eyes as she tried to lunge at Anon, only to be stopped by Twilight putting up a magic barrier. “It’s like having foals” she thought to herself watching Rainbow try to punch through the barrier to no avail. AN: So we agree Spike is winning that bet right? Not because I ship it but because it’s funnier than Anon winning.