Hey folks, sorry about the wait. I was busy helping Rarity out with that fashion show she's been planning, so I haven't had time to update. Actually, I just got back from the actual showing, and guess who I ran into? Hold on…
Author: Script mode!
Trixie: Can the great and powerful Trixie let her voice be heard to the masses, now?
Author: Yeah, you're live.
Trixie: Excellent! Allow the great and powerful Trixie a minute to advertise her new magic show, "Trixie on Ice", every weekday at 3 and 6 pm, standard eastern time-
Author: Hey, I'm just giving you a tour of behind the scenes. No advertisements in MY fanfic.
Trixie: Just like how there's no gore?
Author: Hey, low blow. (turns to reader) I should probably mention that Trixie has been reading my story. I guess she wanted to see the ponies she hates get the hay beat out of them, or something.
Trixie: They deserve Trixie's spite!
Author: We met up at the show, she asked for a tour of behind the scenes, and I obliged. Anyway, Trixie, over here is where I do all the narration for the story. I create the scenery, control actions, their outcomes…
Trixie: Hmm… A most curious form of magic. Can you control what a character is… thinking?
Author: Good question. I suppose so. I mean, as long as it isn't in quotes, I have control over it.
Trixie: Then why don't you just force those pesky ponies to do what you want? Trixie came into the story expecting a bloodbath, but Trixie left each chapter horribly disappointed!
Author: Yeah, sorry about that. The thing is, I want this story to be true to the characters. If I just force every action, it won't be a story about My Little Ponies; it'll be more like a bunch of OC's with the same names doing horrible things.
Trixie: Trixie thinks it would be a good idea…
Twilight: Author! Where are you?
Author: Over by the narration booth.
Twilight: Oh, hey, I'm ready to- What is SHE doing here?
Trixie: Trixie shares an equal amount of disgust!
Author: I'm just giving her a tour, Twilight.
Twilight: … Alright. As long as she isn't scheming something. Has she tried to pitch her new show?
Author: Yeah. I stopped her.
Spike: Sir, are you ready to begin the story?
Author: Ah, yes. The story. With the gore. That's totally going to be… in character.
(Awkward Pause)
Twilight: Soooooo… What's the plan? Or should I say the plot?
Author: …I don't know.
Spike: Maybe you need to take a break, sir? Do you need a bit of time to think it over?
Author: I just… Ever since last chapter, I… Screw it. I can't do this anymore.
Twilight: What! But what do we…?
Author: I don't give a flying Pegasus what you do! Just kill something! Or don't! I don't care! All I'm going to do is come up with some stupid, contrived plot, and you're going to end up not sticking to it! Spike, switch the narration to auto! I'm going to go make myself a taco…
Spike: (shrugs) Well, can't argue with the guy that gives me gems. I'll go turn the narration to automatic…
Trixie: You can do that?
Spike: Oh yeah. Some of the worst stories on the site were written because an author decided to step away for a sandwich while the narration was on auto. Those things can really act up sometimes. So now I'm just going to go and...
Trixie: Oh, don't worry about that, Speck.
Spike: Spike.
Trixie: Whatever. I'll take care of it for you…
Spike: Um, thanks, I guess. Alright Twilight, I guess you can do, well… Whatever you want.
Twilight: I guess so. To be honest, I probably wouldn't do anything, even if the author was here. It's not like I'm a pony that would go on a rampage or anything.
Spike: Well, there was that one episode of the show…
Twilight: Okay, so maybe I did overreact a little to being late.
Spike: A LITTLE? You were crazier than Pinkie Pie!
Twilight: A one time thing. It'll never happen again!
Spike: If you say so. I just hope once the author's done with this, he'll ship me and Rarity!
Twilight: Keep dreaming, Spike.
Spike: It's almost canon! It wouldn't even be shipping!
Twilight: Let's just start the story. I'm sure "the great and powerful Trixie" has managed to switch the narration to auto by now. Or maybe all she could figure out how to do is tie it up with some ropes.
Spike: Alright. So, usually the author does this. What do I do, just say, "start story"?
"I think so." replied Twilight. She looked around, finding herself inside her house. "I guess it worked." Twilight paced for a moment, reorganized a few books, and was finally stumped on how to progress. No plot meant no motivation. Perhaps if she wandered around Ponyville she could find something to do.
It was a beautiful, sunny day out in Ponyville. "How cliché." muttered Twilight. "I guess the auto-narration just goes with default descriptions." Twilight decided her first stop was going to be Sugar Cube Corner. After all, what could add more excitement to a unicorn's day than just five minutes with the overenthusiastic pony called Pinkie Pie?
As she entered the bakery, the small bell over the doorway greeted her with a little ring. "Hi Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Is Pinkie Pie in?"
The two bakers standing behind the register exchanged a nervous glance.
"She's in the kitchen." Mr. Cake answered. "But you should really come back later. She's in her… experimental mode."
"What, she's trying a new recipe?"
"…Something like that."
"Well, that doesn't sound too bad." And before either Cake could say another word, Twilight walked through the door that led to the kitchen and was greeted with the craziest sight. The kitchen was covered in splattered eggs, splotches of flour, and smooshed sticks of butter. And were those power tools lying on the table? Next to the sink was Pinkie Pie, and she was currently clothed in a leather apron and leather socks, with a large face mask for protection. She was holding what seemed to be a welder, and was hard at work baking her new treat. Or would that be forging her new treat? Twilight had to cover her eyes, the sparks given off by Pinkie's cooking being practically blinding.
"Pinkie!" Twilight shouted. "What in Equestria are you doing?"
The shielded face glanced over at her, and then switched off the device. Flipping the mask off, Pinkie Pie cried out in excitement, "Hi Twilight! Are you here to help me come up with the most super-mega-awesome-tastiest thing in the entire world?"
"Oh, well…" began Twilight, as the party pony bounced over to her, miraculously managing to miss the banana peels that were on the floor. Of a bakery. "Actually, I just came to see what you were up to, and now that I'm here, I'm still not sure what you're up to. What are you doing with that welder?"
Pinkie Pie grinned. "It's this great new idea I had! Since I've already tried out, like, a bajillion different recipe combinations, I decided to try different methods of cooking them! I'm trying arc welding right now, but pretty soon I'm going to give gas welding a whirl!"
Twilight was flabbergasted. Using welding equipment to cook muffins? That's stupid! Ridiculous! Preposterous! And- her eye twitched- illogical. Putting on a faux smile, Twilight managed to say, "Wow, Pinkie. That's so, er, creative. But don't you think there's a reason no one has ever used, you know, ARC WELDING to cook things?"
Pinkie Pie giggled. "Because no one's ever tried it before, silly!"
Twilight ground her teeth at the sheer idiocy of her friend. She'd never stabbed Pinkie with a knife before; does that mean she should try it now, just to see what would happen? Twilight would love to cut that brain of Pinkie's open right now, and figure out what the hell was wrong with- "Snap out of it, Twilight…" the frustrated pony thought to herself. "You don't really mean that… What, am I, going crazy or something? No way, I'm sane, perfectly sane!" Twilight began giggling at how funny it would be if she ended up going crazy. She! Crazy? Ha! And the laughter grew more hysterical even as she thought about it.
Pinkie, who was standing there just watching Twilight laugh, chimed in with her own chorus of giggles. "Geez, Twilight! You're really good with this gore fic stuff! You sound like you've actually gone insane!" Twilight froze mid laugh. "Look at me, I'm Twilight! Grrr! I'm gonna eat you up for stew, om-nom-nom-nom!"
In soft voice, the now solemn pony whispered, "I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie, but I really need to go."
She walked briskly out of the kitchen, with Pinkie Pie calling out from behind, "Did I say something wrong? I broke the 4th wall by accident again, didn't I? Oh my gosh, the author told me not to do that, even though the 4th wall for this entire fic HAS been pulverized into little itty-bitty pieces anyway, but…" Twilight didn't stay for the rest.
She walked without knowing where she was going, as though trying to escape from something, trying to escape from her own thoughts. "I'd never do anything to harm Pinkie. Would I?" The image that Twilight had envisioned was clear as day; the pink pony strapped to a table, having just been anesthetized. And she was there. Holding a scalpel, ready to cut Pinkie open and see what was wrong. What was illogical. And with a quick cut , Pinkie Pie would be normal. She wouldn't jump around, wouldn't talk fast, or come up with ridiculous ideas. And that pesky "pinkie-sense" would be gotten rid of. All would be right in the world of science. It would be beautiful…
"No, no, NO!" Twilight shouted. Ponies passing by looked her way, and all she could do was offer them a sheepish grin and an apology.
She turned back to her own thoughts, which frightened her. Pinkie was right; she was starting to seem like that crazed lunatic the author desired.
Twilight shook her head. Pinkie Pie just got on her nerves. That was all. After all, that zaniness the part pony had was what made her special and unique. Did she really want to change that?
Then the thought entered Twilight's mind; yes.
She didn't have time to reflect on that last thought, since Twilight (who hadn't really been paying attention to where she'd been going) ran right into Fluttershy, who was rounding the corner. "Oh my! I'm so sorry!" gasped Fluttershy. "I hope you're not hurt!"
"No, I'm fine…" Twilight groaned as she stood back up, rubbing a sore spot on her head. "I wasn't paying attention. It was my fault."
"Are you sure? I have some soup back home that would make you feel so much better!"
"Soup? For a bruise?" Twilight's eye twitched. "That's completely illogic-" She caught herself. Forcing a smile, Twilight said, "That's very thoughtful of you, Fluttershy. But really, I'm okay." But really Twilight's mind was racing. "I have to get back to the home!" she thought. "Before I end up hurting someone!"
"Are you okay? You look like you've seen a… gulp… dragon." Fluttershy glanced around herself in fear, as though there really was a dragon just lurking around the next corner.
"I told you, I'm fine! I just want to go home and rest…"
"Then at least let me accompany you! It's the least I could do!"
Twilight groaned. "Fine." And as they started walking, Twilight couldn't help but be bothered by her shy companion's every twitch and overreaction to the slightest thing. A shutter suddenly swung open and Fluttershy jumped, a pony randomly yelled and Fluttershy squealed, she saw her shadow and hid. What was wrong with Fluttershy? If Twilight could have her way, she take a pair of scissors and with a neat snip-snip, Fluttershy would be fearless! It would be so easy…
"Not again…" whispered Twilight. These thoughts seemed so foreign; she failed to see how her own mind could fabricate them. She was under pressure, that's all. It'd just been a stressful day. She wasn't crazy. All she wanted to do was to fix her friends. What was so wrong with that? "But there's nothing wrong with them…" Twilight quickly filled her mind with thoughts of Rarity. She was normal. Or was she? Always obsessing over clothes, taking pride in materialistic things… And that case of automysophobia- fear of getting dirty- was practically a clinical case! Twilight would be doing her a favor! "I don't really want this… Rainbow Dash! She's normal!" Rainbow Dash's overconfidence and bravado- it was sickening. Showing off at the slightest opportunity, it's as though the "fastest pony in Equestria" had an inferiority complex, and was trying to make up for it. Twilight was modest, and the idea of bragging was childish and stupid. Rainbow Dash could use a little help. "Applejack…?" Twilight whispered. Applejack. Always so persistent, attempting to do things alone that can't be done. Her behavior is illogical, foolhardy. Of all the ponies that are my "friends", she's one of the worst offenders.
"Twilight? Twi?" Twilight blinked her eyes. She looked up at Fluttershy, who was standing next to the door to Twilight's house. "We're here. Are you sure you're okay?"
You can fix her.
"Yeah I'm fine."
You can make her logical.
"But…"
You can make her normal.
"Maybe you can come in for a second?"
Fluttershy let off a heart melting smile. "Sure Twilight! Anything for you!"
Together they walked into the tree-like house, with Fluttershy a little ahead of Twilight.
She won't just let you do it.
"I don't want to become the monster I hate…"
You aren't a monster. You're just going to help her. Make her better. You're going to be her savior.
"I love your home, Twilight! Did you rearrange your books recently?" Twilight picked up a large, thick book entitled "Pony Biology" using her magic. Fluttershy turned to face her. "Oh, what's that book you got there?" The gentle pony's face turned from fascination to horror as the book came hurtling at her, and with a sickening thud, Fluttershy was knocked unconscious.
Twilight stood over the still figure of her friend. Thinking quickly, Twilight moved a nearby table over and lifted Fluttershy on top of it, setting her down gently. Fetching several ropes from a closet, she firmly secured Fluttershy, making sure she couldn't move a single muscle. Running to a nearby closet, Twilight flung the door open, and inside was a tray covered in operating equipment, all ready for the procedure. It's as though Twilight had known she'd be... "working" on her friend. She took the tray out and set it on another table, which she moved closer to the one Fluttershy was on. Grabbing a syringe, Twilight filled it up with an extremely strong anesthetic. It wouldn't put Fluttershy to sleep, but she was guaranteed not to feel a thing for a couple of hours. "As long as she doesn't wake up, this should be just fine."
"Ohhhh…" moaned a now conscious Fluttershy.
"Oh, um, Fluttershy…"
The restrained pony tried moving her limbs, but found herself held fast in place, and panic made her eyes go wide. "Twilight? What's going on? Did I do something wrong?"
"Just… hold still for a second." Not that Fluttershy really had a choice. Out of the corner of her eye, Fluttershy saw the needle and writhed around even more. The ropes held.
"Twilight, whatever I've done to you, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Really, I'm soaaAAHHHH!" Fluttershy let out a cry as the needle pierced her delicate skin. Tears started to run as she broke down into a sob.
Twilight could feel her stomach doing back flips. "Please don't cry… This is all for the best. I'm just trying to help you! You're always so scared, so I'm just going to go into your brain and, well… do a bit of operating. You know how you're so nervous now? Soon you won't be afraid of anything." Twilight thought she should give Fluttershy another whack on the head to knock her out. There was nothing worse than a conscious patient during an operation, especially during brain surgery. But a sinister voice in the back of her head whispered no. Let Fluttershy be awake to witness her glorious transformation.
"You can't do this!"
Twilight's mind had wandered, and the cry snapped it back towards the matter at hand. "What do you mean I can't? I'll just remove some skin and bone at the base of the skull, and with some delicate maneuvering I'll cut a section out of your amygdala. That's the area of your brain that controls your emotional reaction to previously conditioned stimuli, and generally functions as the area that controls emotional behavior. Such as reacting with fear when there's lightning. It's actually quite fascinating…"
"NO! I believe you can do it… And that's what scares me!"
I don't need to listen to her… I can just start the surgery. "… Elaborate."
"I know I'm always scared and shy, but I wouldn't have it any other way! I like myself just the way I am, scaredy-cat and all!" Fluttershy gulped, and in a shaky voice added, "And if you're my friend, you'd like me just the way I am too…"
Twilight shrugged off her friend's message. "Oh, Fluttershy…" She SHRUGGED OFF the message. Reaching for her tray of tools, Twilight grabbed a black sharpie. She began marking the area where the skin would be cut. She needed to be very careful on the matter, as the amygdala, a part of the limbic system, was located inside the brain. She may need to cut through the cerebral cortex or the cerebellum to reach it. Granted, there may be some brain damage…
Fluttershy let out a whimper. The anesthetic coursing through her body hadn't taken full effect yet, and she seemed to feel the coarse marker scratching against her neck.
"I can't do this…" muttered Twilight. She returned the marker to the tray. "Fluttershy's my friend! I can't hurt her!"
But you won't be hurting her. She won't feel a thing.
"That's not the point! I can't just hide behind science and facts! I'll scar her for life… She'll probably be left brain dead… I've never even done something like this before. I don't have the right equipment! What if I do something wrong?"
So what? You're helping her.
"Am I?"
Twilight picked up her scalpel from the tray, and moved towards Fluttershy. The bound pony had stopped moving, as though she'd dropped unconscious again. But her eyes were very much alive, and they looked up at Twilight with both fear and helplessness.
"Friends are something you treasure for who they are. Even if they're shy, or boastful, or just plain wacky, it's important to except them as is and embrace their differences."
What is this, a friendship report? Slice her open already!
"No! I won't!"
But… But… you hate illogical things! Everything has to make sense! Fluttershy's afraid of her own SHADOW!
Twilight's hoof rose, and was visibly trembling. The scalpel was razor sharp, and could easily cut through Fluttershy's skin with the slightest prick.
"I can't…"
Just get on with it!
"She's my friend…"
DO IT! The great and powerful narrator commands you!
"I-"
Author: Script mode. Hey Twilight, I'm back from my taco break, and… HOLY PARASPRITE, what the hell are you doing to Fluttershy?
Twilight: It... It's over? I'm out of the story? Oh, thank Celestia... I… I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me… Fluttershy, are you okay?
Fluttershy: …
Twilight: Please Fluttershy, say something!
Fluttershy: … I'm okay. Now that I'm not in the story anymore, I guess that stuff you, *gulp*, injected into me is gone...
Author: I am so incredibly confused. A guy goes to get a taco, and all hell breaks loose! What were you thinking?
Twilight: That's just it. When narration started, I started having these weird thoughts. And they grew more and more… Violent. I guess I really am crazy, huh?
Author: Huh... Wait a second. I don't think you're crazy. Far from it. Excuse me; I have a bitch to go slap. (Marches over to the narration booth, flings open the door, and drags out a surprised unicorn.)
Trixie: Why, author! Great to see you! I was just, um, cleaning up the narration booth for you! That's it!
Author: Well, thanks. It's also nice to see that, while you were in there, you managed to completely screw with my story. Nice going.
Trixie: Bah! So much for subtlety! You should be thanking me! I actually succeeded in making a gory story!
Author: ALMOST succeeded. It seems that, after reading over the story, Twilight Sparkle managed to keep the fic clean despite your intervention.
Trixie: If you hadn't barged in when you did…
Author: You'd have still failed. You know why?
Trixie: Don't you say it!
Author: It's because cutting up her friends…
Trixie: Don't you dare say it!
Author: Is not in Twilight's character.
Trixie: Gah!
Author: The funny thing is, it took me five failed attempts at gore fics to finally realize it.
Trixie: Pardon me while I gag at the mushiness of the moment…
Author: Well, you can gag all you want outside. Spike?
Spike: Yes author?
Author: Show her the door.
Spike: Oh, um, okay. Trixie, see that rectangular object built into the wall? That's the door.
Author: Spike?
Spike: Yes author?
Author: I meant get her out of here.
Spike: Oh. Right.
Author: (Turns to Twilight and Fluttershy.) As for you two, I'd just like to apologize for what happened.
Twilight: Hey, it's not your fault.
Author: Okay, maybe not, but I still feel really bad about this. Even worse, what are the readers going to think? At this point, the whole fic is basically a comedy. The reader's are expecting humorous fourth wall breaking by now! And what's this chapter? Crazy depressing! And even worse, my fic made Fluttershy CRY. I'll be shunned from the community forever! I'm positive it's illegal in, like, eighty countries to make Fluttershy cry!
Fluttershy: I'm sure they'll understand, author… I don't hold it against you. The readers can see what we're saying now, right?
Author: Yeah. But they've all probably stopped reading at this point…
Fluttershy: Then if they can see what we're saying, than they'll also be able to see this.
(Fluttershy trots over to the author and gives him a big, warm hug. Author, taken back at first, returns the hug.)
Author: You realize that the readers are going to think this is such a Sue moment, right?
Fluttershy: I don't care.
Author: And that this is such a clichéd self-insert type thing to do.
Fluttershy: I don't care. (She releases author.) Feel better?
Author: Well, besides my heart, which is now currently a puddle, I'd say that all is right with the world.
Twilight: I'd say you learned something today, didn't you author?
Author: Um, yeah. I suppose.
Twilight: In that case… Spike! Take a note! (Spike readies his quill.) Dear Princess Celestia… Well?
Author: … Oh no. We are not ending this fic like that.
Twilight: Please?
Author: This is even more cliché than the hug!
Fluttershy: Please?
Author: …Oh, son of a bitch, how do I say no to Fluttershy? Confound you, blasted pony, you're too adorable! Fine, you win... (Clears throat.) Dear Princess Celestia…
Spike: I already got that.
Author: Shut the hell up, Spike!
Spike: (Scribbling on the parchment.) Shut… the hell… up…
Author: Gah! No, don't write that! Just… turn it over and start a new letter! Okay… Dear Princess Celestia. Over the course of many chapters, I've finally come to the realization that sometimes it's not always a good idea just to have gore for gore's sake. Although a gore fic is great for a good laugh, or even for a serious read if the writer is talented enough, I shouldn't go into writing about cartoon ponies getting cut up expecting people to really be horrified. I mean, look at Cupcakes. I think it's hilarious! It's a SCREAM you might say. (Twilight hurls a book at author's head) Basically, if your going to have gore, maybe try to have a little plot to go with it? Sincerely, the author. Oh, and P.S, this can also apply to clop fics. P.S.S. Don't go looking up rule 34 on the web if you want to preserve your sanity.
Spike: What's rule 34?
Author: Twilight will tell you when your older.
End story. Well bronies, these terrible (literally) and not-so-horrifying tales have come to an end. Thanks for reading, and please review. And while the author in this story is not supposed to be a representation of me (This ain't no self-insert!), I'm going to be honest in that I really did find Cupcakes hilarious. Anyone else share the same sentiments? Anyway, thanks again for reading, and have a nice life!