Two shabby, shaggy ponies in ratty old cloaks peeked over the edge of a rooftop. The one with binoculars complained, “You saw him last night, Glue Bottom! Nothing happened to him.”
The other pony moaned. “Have a little patience, Feed Bucket. Chaos takes time, like any artistic endeavour.”
Glue Bottom grunted, “Okay, maybe— wait! Shush. He and his nag are leaving the house.” He adjusted the binoculars, “Huh. He seems... different somehow.”
Feed Bucket snatched the binoculars. “Let me see.” It took him a moment to focus on Alex. “Well, what do you know? He’s lumpier and walking strangely. Can’t say it looks like much.” He adjusted the focus. “Wow. His nag sure looks peeved at him. I wonder if…”
A friendly, slightly confused voice called from the ground, “Why are you folks on my roof?”
Glue Bottom snarled, “We’re bird watching. Now, beat it.”
The voice continued cheerfully, “Okay, but there aren't many birds over there, don’t-cha-know.”
Feed Bucket replied testily, “Who asked you? You heard what the pony said, scram.”
“There's great bird-watching toward that big oak tree, just a little to your left.” The voice continued in a friendly tone, “Would you like some hot cocoa? It makes ornithology much more exciting. We ornithophiles have to stick together, don’t-cha-know.”
I felt like Dash, and I had been staring at each other for a very long time. It felt like about four years.
Dash dropped to a combat stance, wings erect, and she sneered at me, “Alex? Is that really you?”
I raised a hand, examining it. Using my training, I felt around in my mind for the telltale signs of mind control or mental alteration. Finding my mind as squeaky clean as it could reasonably be, I reassured her. “You bet. Well, my mind is my own, my body?” I looked down at my new hand in fascination, “Not so much.” I continued absentmindedly, “ It looks like I’ve been transformed into a woman. That’s a human mare.”
Dash's eyes narrowed in suspicion and anger, “I know what a human mare is! Now, prove it’s you. Tell me something only the real Alex would know.”
I smiled at the memory, “Easy. When we first met, you flying tackled me, we both said ‘Run for it Fluttershy!’ at the same time, and then I elbowed you off me.”
She snorted angrily, “Okay, okay, I believe you. I’m still mad at you tho. You should never have touched those stupid flowers. You should have known better, you dummy.”
I was concerned because, at this point in the conversation, she would smirk, hug me, kiss me, usually all three, for starters. Now she was standing back from me, wings a little less erect but still in a combat stance.
Slowly examining my new hand, I wondered out loud, “But who could have sent them? And why?”
“Who the buck cares? Let’s get you to Dr Emerald now! Let's get you to the stupid ER. You can figure out the ‘why’s later. Celestia’s teats, can’t you care for yourself without all those stupid questions? Just move! I’ll get Scoots and Summer awake, and then we'll go. Got it? Good.”
Dash slammed open the bedroom door, slammed open Scoot's bedroom door, and shouted, “Wake up!”
Summer was startled awake and jumped on her bed in a low crouched combat stance with teeth bared in an angry snarl.
“I’m taking Dad to the Emerg.”
Summer quickly stood, dropping her arms by her side and a worried expression. “Father need healer? How me help?”
Dash ordered, ”You’re in charge until we get back.”
Scootaloo groggily woke up, “You’re taking Dad to the Emerg?” Her eyes grew wide, processing what she heard. She sniffed and grimaced, “No way! We’re going with you.”
Summer looked between Scootaloo and Dash, torn between obeying her new mother, protecting her new father, and caring for her new little sister. “Maybe we should obey mother, little sister?”
Scoots turned on Summer and snarled, “No! We have to help take care of Dad!”
Dash grunted, “Look, we have to go. Both of you, decide now!”
Scootaloo snapped, “Common, move your flank, Summer!”
“Alright, little sister, alright. We go.” She whined with annoyance, “No need bite my tail.”
The quickest way to the hospital was through the market. It was early, but Applejack would be at work, so I guided our group in that direction. Dash, annoyed I was taking a tiny detour, berated me, “Alex! Come on! Don’t waste time. Let’s go already!”
In the distance, I could see AJ and Elusive. AJ noticed us first. We're kind of hard to miss, honestly: a human, two ponies and a diamond dog. I could hear AJ saying, “What in tarnation?”
Elusive just tilted his head, “Alex? You look… different. More bumpy.”
AJ sniffed and frowned, “You sure that’s Alex? I reckon I don’t like it at all. Something nasty about it.”
Dash explained, “It’s Alex, alright. Some comedian sent him a bunch of poison joak. It changed him into a human mare.”
Elusive’s face went neutral. Then, he snorted. Finally, he burst into laughter, tears in his eyes. “Oh, wow!”
I rolled my eyes and smirked, “Laugh it up, fuzzball. Look, Dash is right.” Dash started to pull on my arm with a look of disgust on her face. “We need to book it. Sorry, I can’t stay and chat.”
Elusive waved us off, “Go on, get the treatment. You can talk later.”
AJ frowned, “I suppose. Just get your tail out of here.”
Once Alex was out of earshot, AJ’s nose wrinkled, “Ugh, what was that smell? That’s a powerful nasty stench, Alex had.”
Elusive stopped laughing momentarily, “I didn’t smell anything.”
After a pause, AJ finally said, “You’re kidding me, right? Y’all didn’t smell that?”
Elusive said, “Nope. Smelled no worse than he usually does.”
AJ’s eyes closed momentarily. She shook her head, her expression becoming confused. “Now, why, in the name of Celestia's sun, was I so upset?”
The rest of the way there, Dash glared at me like she was furious at me. I noticed most of the ponies we passed did not give me their usual morning greetings. A few even scowled at me.
Walking was... weird—no other way to describe it.
My hips were wider, and it threw my gait off. The weight distribution shifted my centre of gravity, so I had to stand slightly taller. My legs were a little longer, and my arms were about the same length but less bulky. Not that I had overly muscled arms or anything, but the difference was noticeable. All in all, it felt strange to walk in this new body. The balance didn’t feel right, and I stumbled a few times.
In the early morning light, I noticed some of the flowers in the gardens we passed. The hews were slightly different than I recalled. The greens and blues seemed more vibrant and brighter. And the scents were more intense. Usually, the smells were subtle and in the background. But now, they popped. It was hard to ignore them. It was almost overwhelming.
With the hospital in sight, Dash burst out, “Celestia’s teats, you stink.”
Scootaloo nodded in agreement. “Mom’s right, Dad. You smell real bad.”
Summer sniffed and grew confused, “You no sink extra, father. Just normal stink.”
I rubbed my chin and was a little surprised there was no stubble. “Okay, well, that’s a start. Maybe it’s a side effect of the poison joak? I mean, based on the show—”
Dash interrupted me at the top of her voice, “Will you please forget that stupid creepy pony show? It has nothing to do with reality!”
I backed off, stumbling thanks to my new, hopefully temporary, body. “Okay, fine. Forget the show. Doesn’t poison joak mess with each individual in their own unique way? Didn’t it put your wings on backwards? Made AJ tiny? Gave Fluttershy a profoundly deep masculine voice? It may be messing with me in the same way, taking away my ability to talk to people. Well, ponies, at any rate. You all seem very upset for no reason.”
“No reason? No reason! The stallion I love has been whammied by poison joak, and I don’t know if he’ll ever be back to normal! No reason? That’s a bucking good reason to be upset, you idiot!”
The ER was far less crowded this morning. Last night’s crowd was almost gone.
Nurse Redheart looked tired but not panicked like she was before.
When she saw me, she snapped, “Who are you, and what do you want?” She noticed our little menagerie, “Do you know this person, Rainbow Dash?”
Dash snapped, “Are you blind? It’s Alex! I mean, how many humans do you know around here?”
The two mares came up to each other, muzzle to muzzle. I quickly went between them and tried to separate them, “Hey, guys, this is a hospital. Calm down, both of you.” Separating them would have taken some effort, even at the best of times. Now, I noticed my upper body strength was less than I was used to.
With my nudging, they backed away, glaring daggers at each other and me.
I spoke calmly and to the point, “It is me, Alex. Someone gave me poison joak, which seems to have affected me after all. I woke up this morning with this new body. I also seem to be giving off a scent only mares can smell. It seems to be making you all… angry.” I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “Look, is Dr Emerald still here? Maybe he can sort this out.”
With a look of irritation, the nurse pointed to the back corridor, “He’s in his office. If you really are Alex, then you know where he is.” She then turned her back on us and started furiously flipping through paperwork.
“Alright, let's go. Summer, stay here in the waiting room with Scootaloo. Here are some bits for snacks.” I handed Summer my bit pouch, then turned to my pony daughter. “Scootaloo? You listen to your big sister, alright? Don’t worry. I’ll be back to my old self in no time.”
Summer put her index finger on her forehead, “I be good dog, protect sister.”
Scootaloo muttered indignantly, “I don’t need protection.”
I tiredly smiled, “Summer, you are indeed a good dog. The best. Thank you.”
Dash testily pulled my arm, “Will you move your flanks, Alex? The quicker we can do this, the quicker we can get out of this place, and the quicker you can stop stinking.”
I nodded, quickly led Dash to the office of Dr Emerald, and knocked on his door.
His unique British voice said, “Blast and Tarturus, I said I was not to be disturbed!”
I placed my forehead on the door in fatigue. “Doctor Emerald, it’s me, Alex Roberts. The poison joak did affect me after all. Please, open the door.”
The door opened slowly, “By the moon's light, Alex, what happened to you? You look positively hideous.” After a moment of shock, he greeted me warmly, “Well, don’t just stand there, my boy. Come in.” I entered the room with Dash following behind a bit further than usual. When the door closed, Dash seemed even more agitated than before.
She said, “Can we open a window of something? Alex is really stinking up the joint.”
Dr Emerald opened the window and took a tentative sniff, then a sharp breath, “Interesting. A cocktail of pheromones, chaos magic, and…” he inhaled deeply, “yes, mind-altering gasses. Similar to what the Queen uses to control her drones, but with a different flavour. Tell me, Mrs Rainbow Dash, have you been more irritable since this change happened to Alex?”
Dash shook her head, “What? No! I’m just mad at the big lug for getting… fooled…” Her words trailed off as she seemed to have an epiphany. “Well, buck me.” She stomped her forehoof on the ground, “Darn it! I don’t want to be mad. I just am.”
In his dry manner, the doctor replied, “I’ll take that as a yes. For now, I think you should leave the room. In the meantime, I will see to getting the hospital ventilated.”
Through gritted teeth, Dash pleaded, “Can I at least hang out outside the window? To keep an eye on him?”
Emerald smiled kindly, “Of course, Mrs Rainbow Dash. I would expect nothing less from the Element Of Loyalty.“
With a sneer, Dash flew out of the window with a sharp burst of air. Emerald's green telekinetic glow closed the window and locked it.
He spoke into a speaker box on the wall, “Code Chartreuse. I’ll stay with the patient in my office as I seem unaffected. The room needs a negative-pressure atmosphere. Over.”
A gruff female voice called back, “Acknowledged, Doctor Emerald. Please begin the room sealing procedure. Over.”
Dr Emerald replied with a professionalism that impressed me. “Acknowledged, Gas Line. Beginning procedure.”
He quickly drew a roll of wide tape from his desk drawer and started taping the door frame, then the window frame, leaving the air vents in the room open. I noticed a small door in the wall beside the room's main door. I guessed that it was a small airlock of some type.
About a minute later, there was an announcement, “All staff and patients, please prepare for an emergency ventilation in thirty seconds.”
Emerald turned to me, “You may want to plug your ears and open your mouth.”
The squawk box started a countdown about twenty seconds later, “ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one…”
There was nothing for a heartbeat, then FOOSH! It was like being inside a giant vacuum cleaner. About ten seconds later, everything stopped. There was dead silence, and then the sound of the ventilation system began humming again.
Emerald spoke in a friendly tone, “For now, my boy, I shall keep you isolated in this room.”
Through the window, I could see Dash peeking in with a worried expression. She yelled through the window, muffled, “You ok, Alex?”
She looked a lot less upset. I gave her a thumbs up and yelled, “Yeah, I’m stuck here for a bit. How are you doing? Feeling better away from my smell?”
“I’m starting to feel better. That junk really messed you up. Ugh.” She chuckled, “I swear you spend more time here than at home.”
I smiled, “Yeah, well, better for that than the alternative. Speaking of home, why don’t you take the kids there? I don’t want them to miss school. Tell them I asked them to go if they give you any trouble.” I looked at the clock on the wall, “They have about an hour and a half. They can help you make their lunches and still be on time. And don’t forget to give Summer some of that ham. ”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Got to be a Mom first. Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can. I know you’re in good hooves. You stay safe.” She gave me one of her glorious smirks, ”And no heroics.” She turned to leave, then quickly turned back, “Oh, and I’ll bring you your knife. I don’t want that magic messing you up more than it has to. Love ya, you big lug.” She put her hoof on the glass, and I placed my hand in the same spot.
I replied, “Love you too, Dash. See you soon.”
We stayed there for a few seconds before Emerald cleared his throat. “Right. That poison joak had quite the effect on you, my boy. A few cure doses should be available even after last night's outbreak. It should work, and I don’t foresee any issues.”
I faced him and gave him a warm hug, feeling gratitude for everything he had done and would do.
He patted me on the shoulder, surprise in his voice, “Thank you. I was famished. I think, due to the poison joak, I was able to metabolise a small amount of your positive emotion.” He sat and rubbed his chin. “Did you know not one of the poison joak patients I treated last night was grateful? Not a solitary one. I had to rely on the kindness of the staff.” He brightened, “And now, in the spirit of reciprocation, let us get you in that healing bath.”
Miss Sweetheart stood in front of the Foal Protection Services board in Fillidelphia with an exasperated expression. “I know Mr Alex Roberts and Ms Rainbow Dash are not typical pony parents, but I assure you they will provide Scootaloo a loving home.”
The old, grey unicorn stallion sniffed. “But Miss Sweetheart, the, ahem, father, is of a predatory, meat-eating species. Not only that, but they’re not even married! What good would it bring that foal to place her in a perpetually broken home? Simply preposterous!”
Miss Sweetheart pleaded. “Alex Roberts must take care of a profoundly personal matter before getting married. They will be doing so sometime in the next season. Would you have the same reservations if Alex Roberts were a gryphon?”
An older pegasus mare replied, “Of course we would. However, Mr Alex Roberts seems to invite chaos wherever he is. He seems to be continually surrounded by… incidents.”
Scootaloo’s caretaker argued, “But what about his status as a Paladin? He was selected by Princess Luna herself!”
An ancient earth pony replied with no slight disdain, “With all due respect, Princess Luna has shown the occasional lapse in judgment."
The now frantic mare begged, “But you will agree, not in this case, correct? Please, they love her, and she loves them. He has made every effort to be a good father, and I feel he has succeeded.”
The three older ponies quietly conferred. After an eternity, the old unicorn stated, “We shall review the evidence, for and against. We will render a decision in two days.” And with that, he banged his gavel.
Dr Emerald left to get the cure, and I was alone. While I was waiting, three orderlies wearing hazmat suits had brought a collapsible tub into the room. After setting it up, they ran a hose through the little airlock and filled the tub with warm water.
As the orderlies pulled the hose back out of the airlock, Dr Emerald returned with four small vials filled with a purple liquid. “Here we are, my lad. I’ve taken the liberty to bring a quadruple dose just to be safe. If my calculations are correct, and they always are, you’ll be right as rain in approximately fourteen hours. I warn you. It will be very unpleasant. The changes in your body have been extensive.”
“Thank you, doctor.” I gave him another heartfelt hug.
“Think nothing of it. And thank you for the snack.” He poured the little vials, one by one, into the tub. Purple suds started forming on the surface. “There. The last of the cure. I hope there is no need for it again for a while.”
I took my clothes off and slipped into the frothy tepid water. “The water’s not very warm, and it’s only going to get colder. I know ponies can take the cold better than I can. Any chance I could get a top-up with hot water?”
“Don’t fret. The tub has heat controls. Allow me to set it to thirty-seven degrees Celcius. Will that be warm enough?”
I nodded, “I think so. We can always change it later. You said there would be some unpleasantness. What… erk! Oh, ya. I can feel bits of me rearranging. Oh, that is not comfortable! Aah… fourteen hours of this, you said?”
Dr Emerald nodded gravely, “I’m afraid so.”
I muttered between grunts of discomfort, “Great…”
Dr Emerald checked his notes and said, “Naturally, I’ll need to check your medical condition when the process is complete.”
I asked wearily, “Needles?”
Emerald smiled sympathetically, “I’m afraid so.”