So, I just delivered the news to Celestia and Luna about what had happened. Sunbutt was sitting on her throne in contemplation. “I am not sure who would want Princess Cadance dead; nopony would want to threaten one of Equestria’s Princesses, when Equestria is the most powerful nation on Equus… I have a few theories, such as Tirek trying to make a comeback, but I could be wrong. Ostri, perhaps you would have any ideas you’d like to share?” I shrugged. I honestly didn’t care that much. Sure, Cadance was in danger, but she’s still alive. So really what happens from here doesn’t feel like my problem. “Perhaps you have a few ideas as to how we can keep her safe?”
I shrugged. “No clue, your highness, but I don’t see how this is my problem. I kept Cadance alive initially, and that’s all I had to do at the moment. I don’t particularly care about what happens afterwards. I will say that you probably shouldn’t let her leave the palace without a disguise, and maybe run magical scans on everyone to make sure they aren’t gonna wanna kill somebody. I think magic can do that, but I dunno; I’m not the one with the horn. So if you’re done questioning me about whatever the fuck I don’t give a shit about, then that’s cool. I’m gonna go shop for a wagon with Chrysalis and get started on my little roadtrip with her and Blaze.”
The doors opened, and some white guy came walking in, along with Twilight Sparkle for some fucking reason. “I heard something happened with my wife?” He asked. Yeah, it was a white unicorn with a purple mane with a pinker-purple streak in it. The dude was huge for a unicorn, jesus.
Cadance nodded. “Something did happen, Shiny. Somegriffin tried to kill me! Then… Ostri saved my life,” she was sitting up by the Princesses. “Though he doesn’t seem to really care about what happens now.”
I shrugged. “Course I don’t. I don’t hate you, Cadance; that’s why I saved your life, since you tried to at least be friendly and understanding after I got mad at your aunt. But if somebody wants to wage war with you bitches, that’s not my problem. I’m just trying to regain my footing after getting tossed into a world full of magical, talking horses, and then regaining it again after being tossed into the future of that world full of magical, talking horses. I really don’t care about this bullshit, and have zero loyalty to this country or its leaders. I’ll happily defend somebody if you pay me though; I could use some extra bits to pay for that wagon.” I nudged towards the door. “I also would rather just go about my life, and not deal with you asshats.”
“You don’t care about my wife being in danger?” Shiny’s hoof came down with a thunderous crack. “Do you have any sense of justice?”
I chuckled. “I did, but your Princesses ran through every single fuck I used to give. The smartest pony on the planet would not be able to come close to calculating the amount of bullshit they’ve put me through, and I don’t think any quantum physics expert would be able to come to any reality where there’s a slight chance that I care. Your wife’s still alive, ain’t she? Be happy I didn’t sit by and let her get nailed, in the head, by a fucking crossbow, because she was trying comfort me. Hell, be happy the person that tried to kill her, didn’t drag Cadance off to rape and then kill her. Because I stepped in when I needed to.” I nodded to Cadance. “I might guard you, and I would, but I wanna get away from Equestria. So good luck with your future endeavors, don’t grow into your dickwad aunts.” I spun around to Twilight, who was glaring at me. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you-”
“You know, since you were here, I was going to invite you to the Friendship Festival, but after what you just said? My sister in law could’ve died!” This bitch just slapped me! And it didn’t hurt that much.
“Man, that’s crazy.” I started rubbing my cheek. “Oh yeah, Cadance is sitting right, fucking, next to Sunbutt and Moonbutt, unharmed. Still alive, given that she’s breathing air, blinking, and wide eyed right now. Probably traumatized since I shoved a knife into a dude’s skull right in front of her, but that’s also not my problem. I also thought I was clear with how little I give a damn right now. So, Sparky, I won’t attend your retarded festival even if you actually want me there or not; Friendship’s a dumb thing to celebrate. Cherish your friends, not fucking- I give up. I’m gonna go back to my motel if you guys don’t mind.”
“Now,” Celestia’s horn lit, and I found myself unable to walk out of the room. Mostly because her magic was holding one of my hooves down. “I believe you could benefit from attending the Friendship Festival; you could learn the values of friendship, and possibly make some new friends. So why not stick around and attend?”
“...Because fuck you. I’m not exactly in the mood to listen to you right now, Celestia.”
Celestia’s ears drooped a little. “I’m… Ostri, you can bring Chrysalis, you can bring Blaze. I’m certain you three can at least enjoy yourselves.” I could almost hear the ‘please don’t leave Equestria’ that she probably wanted to say, but couldn’t.
“I swear to fuck, you motherfuckers are about to get bombarded by the same motherfuckers that tried to kill Cadance during this festival. I’ll stick around to tell you ‘I told you so’. If I’m feeling generous, I will happily help out. I’ll have to really enjoy the festival to raise my mood…” I shrugged. “Sure, I’ll stick around for the festival. Then you all can go fuck yourselves Once it’s over.” I would’ve added an offhoof remark, but I also like not getting sent to the moon for ‘insulting the heart of Equestria’ or some shit. I’m also surprised I’m hearing of this festival just now, since the newspaper I was reading earlier had nothing about it… Then again I was mostly doing the word search I found halfway through it, so I didn’t really read it.
That was a fun word search, lemme tell you. All the words were about breakups and depression being bad for you. Weirdly, it was a word search printed by Princess Cadance.
Anyways, I was finally let go from that shithole. Not without receiving the stink eye from Shining Armor. Well, he actually tried to sucker punch me. I ducked under his swing, grabbed his hoof with my teeth, before slamming him into the ground. That… Was actually kinda hard, this motherfucker was huge, and was actually kinda hard to throw around. “Man, I can feel the love tonight. I bet Simba and Nala would happily sing about how there is love in the air on this wonderful Tuesday.” I put my hoof on Shiny, keeping him pinned. “Next time you swing at me, I’m breaking your leg. My moral compass is a little shit right now, so I might just break your nose while I’m at it. Now go tend to your fuckin’ wife before you get angry at me for not wanting to guard her with my life. You’re captain of the Royal Guard, literally just stick by her; she’ll be way better protected with you nearby than me anyways. Now fuck off, will ya?” Shining Armor grunted, and I was allowed to leave without further annoyances.
When I got to our motel room, there was a fresh, new wagon sitting out in front of it. In the distance, I could hear some fuckers singing about shit I could not be asked to listen to. Blaze was laying in the wagon, and she perked up when she saw me. “You took so long, that Chrysalis went and bought a sizable wagon; it only costs about thirty bits, and I can make it move fairly easily with my telekinesis, so none of us have to pull it.” She hopped out of the wagon, rubbing up against me. “You reek of Pony Princesses, what happened?”
“I saved the Pink One from getting shot in the head, and then kicked the shit out of her husband.” Blaze grinned. “Anyways, Sunbutt wants us to join in on some fucktarded festival, so we’re gonna have to attend that before we can get going.” Blaze sighed. “I know, it’s about friendship.”
“That sounds pretentious and stupid.”
“It is.” We both chuckled at our shared, newfound hatred for ponies. “So, where’s our favorite bug pony? I wanna let her know what the hell we have to attend.” Chrysalis poked her head out of our motel room’s door. “Ah, there you are. I assume you just heard of the retarded shit we have to go?” Chryssy nodded. “Anywho, what were you doing?”
“Canceling our motel room; we don’t need it now that we have a wagon to sleep in. It has a nice bed in it, and we have a kitsune to sleep on if need be. So we have to go to a festival… Well, I suppose it would be a good chance to show that I have reformed…” Chrysalis shrugged. “Let’s just go and get this over with. With hope, we can leave because we’re feeling ‘sick’ and want to go throw up in a bush… and then teleport back to the wagon and leave as soon as anyone realizes what is going on.” I nodded.
That’s when I remembered something. “So Chrysalis, you know how you said you wouldn’t mind having me be your mate?” Chrysalis nodded, her ears perked up. “Well… Any possible love I held for Luna’s dead, Celestia sure as hell ain’t getting any room in my heart. So far, aside from Blaze, you’ve considered how I’ve been feeling the most out of anyone. I have a newfound appreciation for those who give me space when I need it, and take care of me when I need it.” I cleared my throat and walked up to the Queen and bowed. “I would be honored if you took a chance with me; this stupid festival could be our first date!” I swear, you could see the loading bar in Chrysalis’s eyes while she processed what I had just asked her.
It was kinda cute.
“You… actually wish to court me?” Chrysalis tilted her head. To answer the question, I trotted up to Chrysalis’s side, and nuzzled into it, looking up at her. “I… See. I suppose we both should get dressed if this is our first date together. Sadly, I know I don’t own any dresses; they all got blown up. Do you happen to have a suit?” I shook my head. “Phooey. Oh well, we can just go in our birthday suits; I would rather be able to watch your muscles as you move, rather than have them be hidden. I’m certain that you’d rather be able to see my legs, you little pervert.”
“Oi, having a dress means you just get to tease everyone with your nice legs any time you let’em slip. Though… I do like your legs, very nice. Why are there holes in them if you don’t mind me asking?”
Chrysalis shrugged. “Buck if I know, I haven’t paid any thought to it… Does it make my legs look less appealing?
“Nah, it makes you look cooler, if nothing else.” I grinned and looked Chrysalis up and down. “Your face is the best part of you anyways; a dress would be nice, but I doubt it would do anything to your face.” We chuckled, before Chrysalis got in the wagon, and Blaze started moving it with her voodoo bullshit.
Along the way, we found a fireworks store. I had an odd feeling that I might need a bunch in the future, so I bought a couple dozen, and a box of matches. I rather not deal with Murphy, hence the fireworks. They were pretty cheap for how big they were supposed to be. Eventually, we were pretty much at the edge of Canterlot, where Blaze decided to try and hide the wagon, or even do the following:
“I shall lead the wagon down Mount Canterlot,” Blaze said as we got out basically in front of Canterlot. Because I guess that’s where we’re supposed to enter the festival.
I shook my head. “Just leave it out here, nobody’ll steal it, it’ll be fine!” It probably won’t, but not because the wagon’s getting stolen. When we got into the festival it looked… underwhelming. My whelmed meter is a little over under, actually, but a little away from over. On the brightside, a lot of ponies were sending glares to Chrysalis, who wasn’t paying them any mind. She just strolled forward with all the regality that comes with her being a Queen. I occasionally saw one of the Elements amongst the crowd, probably doing something to help out with the celebration of friendship! Oh yeah, for some fucking princesses were out and about.
This time they had guards, wow. Celestia tried to walk over to us, but Chrysalis grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me into an alleyway. With a teleportation spell, we ended up on the opposite side of the plaza from where Celestia was. “We are not going to have that horse ruin our date. This is for us, not for her.” She gestured towards a little water gun booth. “Let’s partake in some of the festivities, shall we?” Blaze yipped before running ahead like any excitable animal. The booth guy ran away at the sight of us though, screaming ‘changeling!’ For some reason.
Ponies, racist little shits.
Anyways, I managed to get a booth owner to remain calm longer enough to buy cotton candy from them. Me and Chryssy shared a puff, while Blaze got her own, getting some in her ears somehow, but not her lips or cheeks. How? I dunno, but Blaze is basically a magical entity, so she doesn’t have to make sense. Overall, we were having a decent time as long as we ignored all the propaganda about friendship being magical or some shit, because that was a goddamn lie. Especially when a few ponies pass by and give me the stink eye for cuddling the thing they were already giving a stink eye to.
Chrysalis and I booped noses when we didn’t realize we were out of cotton candy.
Oh hey, everyone’s singing a song about friendship. How cool. Chrysalis visibility cringed, and somebody tried to pull me into the song and dance. I didn’t, I don’t want any part in this shit. Twilight flew by and hit us with water while soaring into the sky while singing about how she’s the Princess of Friendship.
I only didn’t set a firework off in my mouth because Blaze wouldn’t let me.
Oh fuck, a storm cloud.. Nevermind, that’s an airship carrying the will of Satan. Once the ship touched down, some dog looking-bitch walked down, announced the Storm King, and then his commander. The commander came out in a stupid cloud of smoke, staring down at the Princesses that I was inching towards. Fuck me and my moral compass; I’m actually going to help them despite everything that’s happened. Twilight got done trying to talk to the unicorn with a broken horn, I decided it was my turn to speak up.
“Hey, tell your King to go fuck himself,” I had a bundle of fireworks next to me. “Go get back on your ship, or you will regret waking up today.”
“And what are you going to do if I don’t leave, hmm?” The unicorn, who was named Tempest Shadow, asked. “Shoot fireworks to celebrate your defeat?”
“Listen, everyone here was having a dandy ol’ time, celebrating friendship. Me? I’m just enjoying my date that you interrupted. Quit being a cunt and talk, or leave. Because… I may look like it, but I’m not a pony. I am more than willing to kill you, burn down everything you care about, and then slaughter any and all troops…” Tempest didn’t budge. “Meh.” I tilted the fireworks forward, aiming them up at the entrance. I lit it before anyone could stop me. Tempest was surprisingly quick to react, jumping out the way… The ship got blown to shit though. Everyone in the crowd sat in horror as burnt, humanoid bodies flew to the ground, some were not fully intact, and almost all of them were dead. Chrysalis hopped in front of me and used a shield. The Princesses collectively shielded the crowd from the debris from what remained of the ship.
When Tempest hit the ground, she turned to me with wide eyes. “W-what did you just… Just do?” She was actually shaking slightly in fear.
“You didn’t take heed to my warning, lady. As much as I hate everyone standing behind me, I also don’t like the idea of your stupid king enslaving them, or doing whatever the fuck he wants with the Princesses. Chryssy, use your magic to strip her of anything that could be used as a weapon.” Immediately, four… balls fell to the ground and quickly rolled towards us. Huh. Twilight tried to touch one when it reached her hooves. “Twilight, don’t fucking touch that. If you have any common sense, you’d know that’s a weapon, and it’s probably designed to deal with alicorns. So maybe… Don’t touch it.” I grabbed a knife I had concealed under my wing.
“I-I… You just killed my entire army!” Tempest was backing away from us, shivering in terror.
“Man, nobody remembers that one pony, that one pony that wiped out a fucking clan of griffins?” I looked around. “Well, once upon a time, a pony loved a Princess. Because he loved that Princess, he defended her, and her capital city from griffins who wanted her head. That pony killed every single griffin that tried to hurt the Princess… That was nearly a thousand years ago, if I recall correctly,” I tilted my head. “That pony was me, Bald Ostrich, by the way. If that bit wasn’t basically erased from history, these ponies would probably have some backbones.” I shrugged. “Oh well. I’ll just reteach the world that you don’t attack my home while I’m alive.” I pointed the knife at Tempest. “Now, surrender, or I will cut your stomach open and let you bleed out while you contemplate everything you thought was a good idea. If you’re lucky, I’ll just stab you in the heart!” Yeah, I’m riding on all that sweet, sweet anger and hatred that’s been festering since Luna dumped me.
I will make due on my threats if Tempest doesn’t surrender.
“I… I concede. “ Tempest fell to her knees, so I put the knife up.
“Coolio. Well Celestia-” Oh sick, even she is shaking slightly… Hah! An arm hit Luna and she’s covered in blood, and her eyes look like the eyes of somebody who just shat themselves. That’s funny. “I did my job. I’mma go take a nap, have fun!” Chrysalis and Blaze followed me, until we got dragged into the aftermath of this bullshit.