“So, let us get it straight,” Luna said calmly.
“You went to Griffonia to discuss opening relations with Emperor Grover” she said.
“Yep” Anon responded.
“And somehow, you got drunk, found yourself several thousand miles north in lands ruled by vampires and necromancers” Luna continued.
“Yep” Anon repeated.
“So your way out of it, was to adopt their leader as your daughter, despite the fact she is older than you, and then have Discord bring their population here”
“You have described it perfectly,” Anon said.
Looking blankly at Anon, Luna looked as if she looked like she was going to choke him.
“Now, our final question. Why are you in a hot tub?” Luna asked.
Reclined in a hot tub with Cream Heart resting on his right side, Anon scratched his left ear.
“I’m sitting in a hot tub with my beautiful marefriend, that statement alone justifies why I’m in here” Anon explained.
“We know you’re sitting in a hot tub Anon but why did you get IN to the hot tub?” Luna asked.
“Oh it was a gift from Saddle Arabia” Anon explained.
“We’ll have to send them something nice back,” Cream said, looking more relaxed then she had been in several months.
“That seems uncharacteristically generous considering the king’s dislike of you” Luna said, with a suspicious tone.
“Yeah it was great once I fished all the venomous snakes out of it” Anon explained.
Now that caught Luna’s attention.
“Venomous snakes!”
“Yeah there were like three dozen in here. Needed a rope and a really thick sack to get them all out” Anon said casually.
“You seem very calm about this obvious attempt on your life,” Luna said.
“I’m from Florida, you can’t live in the suburbs without unknowingly housing a Burmese python under your bed” Anon explained, dismissing the threat those snakes posed to his life.
“Please tell us you at least disposed of them safely” Luna asked.
“Of course, I made sure they were all fed and watered then I sent them to Blueblood,” Anon said.
Many miles north, in the personal estate of Prince Blueblood, the royal pain in the ass was clinging on for dear life.
Hanging from a golden statue of himself, looked down to the marble floor. The entire floor was covered in various snakes.
“Guards!” He squeaked out, expecting the guards, who were also hanging from the statues, to save him.
Back with Anon, Luna had joined the couple in the hot tub, actually looking relaxed as the bubbles floated up around her.
“So how’s Celly?” Anon asked.
“She’s switched to rum cake since the Empire moved south, but other than that she’s fine,” Luna said.
“You should do something nice for her,” Cream suggested.
“Good idea, I’ll get her a hot tub, these things melt the stress away” Anon thought out loud.
“Don’t, she’ll never get any work done. I know I won’t be” Luna warned, sinking into the tub furthur.
“Hey Luna,” Anon asked.
“Hm?” She muttered.
“Why do the Saddle Arabians hate me?” Anon asked.
“At your first Gala as a pony you called their queen a, and I believe this is the correct term, a ‘milf’ to her face with the king standing next to her. They almost threatened war when Tia refused to hand you over for execution” Luna explained.
“Ah, I remember that night now. That was a good party” Anon said, remembering that party’s wine vintage and buffet fondly.
The three spent hours in that tub, but unfortunately their bubbly paradise had to end.
Luna was forced away by the constant burden of social and economic governance and Cream had to do the school run to pick up Button.
Left alone, Anon leaned over the side, scribbling with a pen and paper.
After an hour of solitude Anon was found by Crystal. The mare accidentally stumbles upon her monarch.
“Your majesty! I am so sorry I didn’t know you were in the bath” she apologised.
“No no it’s fine, actually come closer I need your opinion on this” Anon said beckoning her to come closer.
Blushing heavily, Crystal moved closer to the hot tub.
“Here I want you to look over these” he said, handing her several sheets of paper.
Looking them over Crystal’s eyes went slightly wider with each paragraph.
The structure, the logic, the economic feasibility, they were flawless!
“Sir, where did you get these?” She asked.
“I wrote them,” Anon explained.
Almost biting her tongue she suppressed a giggle Crystal went over the papers again.
“Yes, very funny sir, but seriously who wrote these?” Crystal asked.
Furrowing his brow in annoyance Anon held his watery position.
“Crystal, I wrote those papers,” Anon reaffirmed.
Crystal’s eyes quickly shrank to pinpricks once she realised that her king wasn’t joking.
“I think the education reforms and apprenticeship programs will work well towards creating a large educated workforce,” Anon said, pointing to the third sheet of paper.
“And this is about economic development of not just the mines but our now large forest resources” he continued as he pointed to the first sheet.
“Finally, here’s a drawing of a fish. I got bored so I drew a fish. Which could be used to restart the art program” he explained, showing her the very lifelike drawing of a salmon.
“Error found, Crystal rebooting” the voice in Crystal’s head was saying as she stood there. Motionless as she tried to figure out what was going on.
“Sir are you alright? Let me take your temperature” she said worryingly as she tried pressing her hoof against Anon’s forehead.
“I’m fine, I just think that being in this hot tub has given me great clarity,” Anon explained.
“Well, keep up the good work your majesty, shall I have these implemented?“ Crystal asked.
“Yep, oh and fetch me a soda while you’re up please” Anon responded.
“Anon!”
Yet another hour of peaceful soaking was ruined by an interruption.
This time by Twilight barging in.
“What were you thinking!?” She yelled.
“Do my guards just not do their job anymore?” Anon asked, ignoring the question.
“Necromancers, vampires, VOODOO!? You placed a town of monsters right next to Ponyville!” Twilight continued to yell.
“Hey they aren’t monsters they just use magic to make them. Besides, I'm giving everypony a chance. By the way do you have wings?” Anon explained before noticing the pair of purple wings on the former unicorn’s back.
“While you were away I completed an ancient spell using my knowledge of friendship and became an alicorn. But that’s not the point, I-“ Twilight explained.
“Wait wait wait wait” Anon cut her off.
“What now?” Twilight asked, getting increasingly annoyed.
“You used friendship to become an alicorn, the skill that EVERY child other than you can develop on instinct… I call bull” Anon said, smashing X to doubt Twilight’s story.
“That’s not the. I. Ugh! What’s the point trying to argue with you!” Twilight groaned in frustration.
“There isn’t, never was and never will be. Now it’s time for me to ask YOU another question” Anon stated.
“What?” Twilight tiredly asked.
“Ok actually it's two but I’ll let you ask two in a row after” he explained.
“Ok 1. Do you know a spell to make artificial brains because the ghouls need them to keep their intelligence and 2. Am I the only one who hears that ticking noise?” Anon asked.
Now that her mind had switched from anger to annoyance Twilight could hear a ticking noise.
“It started shortly after I got the hot tub, it was soothing at first but now it’s getting on my nerves” Anon said, looking over the sides of his hot tub, following the sound of the noise until he got the back of it.
There, glued to the back of the royal hot tub, was a piece of pipe with several wires wrapped around and an alarm clock stuck to it.
The hands on the clock were just a few seconds away from striking twelve.
“Oh look my hot tub came with a pipe bomb- OH FUCK!” Anon yelled as the bomb exploded.
Luckily he and Twilight survived.
But the hot tub did not.
AN: The King did not take kindly to Anon rizzing his Queen.